Calling for competitors in the new prime time TV Reality Show, Cap'n Cronin's Ship Trip.
Please submit the reasons why you would make a suitable candidate for this show.
Selections will be at the discretion of the Producer, Big Reg. (Big Ron's bruvver).
All voyagers will need to be fit and ready for anything. No contact with the outside world will be possible during the Trip.
Every week one passenger will be voted out and dumped overboard. The last remaining passenger will get to meet Cap'n Cronin imself!!!
Votes may be registered by any Portsmouth citizen by the dedicated premium phone line. All proceeds will be distributed at the discretion of Big Reg.
Don't miss the oportunity of a lifetime. Start writing now !!!!!!
Dear Big Reg
I think I would be an excellent candidate for the Cap'n Cronan Ship Trip. My vital statistics are 94-125-94 and I love children, animals and grog...but not necessarily in that order.
Yours Sincerely
Big Brenda
Thanks for writing in Big Brenda. We will confirm your successful entry if we can persuade the ship carpenter to create a wide enough suitable berth.
Dear Reg,
Oi'm a bit concerned that a few of me on board antics involvin' wimmens clothing may expose a side of me that the Portmouth public is unaware of.
Can yer keep the CCTV cameras out of me private quarters?
Thanks a bundle!
Your privately,
Capn DaveL
PS Can you elaborate on the reward and immunity challenges which will take place on the ship?
I think I be a very good contestent on yer show.
I be an excellent cook an will be bringing me finest bangers on to the ship an will be happy to do all the cooking on the show.
Please call me agent to let me know when yer would like me to come aboard.
Yours
Big Ron
Dear Cap'n DaveL
This be a Reality show. Ther be no private quarters. There jest be ther Berthin Room fer sleepin, an ther wont be much o that Oi can tell yer.
As fer reward and immunity, Oi's not suwer wot ye meen. There'll be the Insanity Ward and The Mutiny Locker ? Is that wot ye be on abowt?
Yours
Big Reg
-------------------------------------------
Dear Big Ron
Ther be no food alloud brung on board. Ye'll get wot yer given. Big Bother, oo be in charge of the Trip, will be electin cooks as e sees fit fer each meel. If ther be meels. Nothin as bin finalised yet.
Yours
Big Reg
Quote from: Griffin NoName The Watson of Sherlock on March 26, 2007, 05:48:56 PM
As fer reward and immunity, Oi's not suwer wot ye meen. There'll be the Insanity Ward and The Mutiny Locker ? Is that wot ye be on abowt?
YArrr, that be the silly challenges they have on that bloomin CBS reality show 'Surviv-arghhh'. A contestant gets voted off the island each time his tribe loses a challenge.
Oi can see comin' up with challenges in confined quarters should be quoite a hoot.
I vote for the followin challenges:
1. Team weevil racing;
2. Catch the cockroach competition;
3. Team pillaging;
4. Tag team 'Maison del amour' competition...
yarr the list is endless!
Arrr Cap'n DaveL, ye think team werk will werk wiv this crew on booward?
Dear Big Reg
I've noticed these reality shows usually as a politician on board. Who can forget the mad antics of 'Georgie Straits o Galloway (minister for bad underwear) on the last reality TV voyage. I would love to be on the show...if I can escape from me kidnappers before they chops off any more o me bits!
Yours Hopefully
Ken Liversausage (Mayor o Portsmouth and perpetual kidnap victim)
Dear Ken Lovasossage
Ye has a berth reserved. It be a bit on the small side as it be the next one ter Big Brenda's. But yer wont be spendin much toime ther so it shuld do yer. Big Bother says pleeze bring yer own bowl.
Big Reg
Dear Big Reg
I has a question to ask -- in all innocence mind -- about yer guests.
'Ow much ransom do ye reckon someone could get by kidnapping all these 'ere celebrities? I only ask 'coz me an' a couple o' me crew were discussin' all the terrible kidnappings that 'ave bin goin' on lately.
It occurred to me someone else that all these people in one place could be worth a bob or two. If ye were that way inclined o' course - which I ain't. So it purely be an interlectal conversation. Nuffin else. Promise.
Yours,
Anonymous.
p.s. With yer reply, could ye kindly send me the exact coordinates o' where the ship will be on Sunday mornin' at 4 a.m. I'll cut yer in be very grateful.
Dear Anonymous
If yer rite in agen wiv your co-ordinayets we will reply.
Yours
Samantha
Sekertary ter Big Reg
Signed in the absence of Big Reg
YYYAAARRR...will there be a diary (or Capn's Log) room onboard the ship? Arter bein all nice an pally to everyone, ye goes in the secret diary room an slags em all off to yer hearts content!
Dear Big Reg
yarrgh I be a little concerned about yer reality TV show as I av watched some of these programs afore an I notice that all the contestants are totally thick and talk shite all of the time.
Now by Pirate Cap'n standards I be a bit thick an would even get lost in Southampton Water. However, even I cannot be that stupid all of the time, therefore I be wandering if there is some sort of script that the contestants av to follow so they can be a total idiot all of the time.
If it would help I think Black Bart would be an ideal contestant as e would not need a script.
Thank yer fer yer help.
Calico Jack (Useless) Pirate cap'n
Dear Big Reg,
O'im offended as I have a patent on the nomenclature 'Big'. To avoid any conflicts wif me trademark range of smallgoods, Oi suggest yer call yerself.
1. Incredibly Large Reg; or
2. Slighly Rotund Reg; or
3. I've had more baked dinners than you've had breaths Reg; or
4. I like a good stout in front of the TV Reg,
Lookin forward to 'putting in' on your show. And I don't mean just an appearance either.
Yours sincerely,
Big RonTM
Dear Big Ron
Oi as changed me name ter Little Reg.
Now will yer stay off me show?
Yours
Big Little Reg
Dear Reg,
You will always be BIG Reg to me and my girls.
Madame Fifi
Dear Fifi
How much extra will I ave ta pay to get the girls ta call ME Big Barty?
Yours
Black 'I wish I hadn't a seen me First Mate Barbados Ben in the showers' Bart.
Dearest Barty,
As one of our best customers, we would be happy to provide you with the service of calling you "Big Barty" free of charge.
However, if you would like the service to be provided with a strait face, there will be an additional charge of 10 Dubloons per visit.
Yours as always,
Madam Fifi
Dear Bart,
Try one of my finest pork sausages in the cod piece region. How do you think I got my name?
Regards,
Big Ron
Dear Madam Fifi
Extra ordinary ter get yer letter jest wen Oi wer finkin of sergestin a tye in wiv our advertisin. Oi wer finkin if we ad wun or too o yer girls aboaward it wuld be good fer bof o us. We be sortin owt ther advert wot is goin in ther Aaaaaaaargus an culd offer ye a menchiun.
Yours
Bigger Ron Reg
Yo man we be jammin...if me can get me away from that Blackheart Man, Bart, wid his Macca Back Fish Stew and all that, will you have this raggamuffin on the boonooonoonous Cronan Show?
Yours Barbados Ben
ps Can me bring me ganja?
We now as a full compliment.
Ther ship will sail shortlee wiv ther followin berths:
DaveL
Big Ron
Ken Liversausage
Black Bart
Barbados Ben
Missy Melissa
Lola Spanks (curtesy of Madam Fifi)
Little Miss Fifi (curtesy of Madam Fifi)
Big Brenda
Sister Mercy (at a bit o a loose end since sadly bein let go by St. Winifreds)
That be 5 fer the boys team, an 5 fer the girls team.
Ther be one berth left fer each team; if these not be filled by ther rise of the seventh sun the ship will set sail as is.
YArrrr...
Oi be votin fer Black Spot and Calico Jack, but E.Raser would be a fine addition as well.
Black Spot an Calico Jack be welcum. Oi ad the impressiun them wuldnt be seen dead on ther trip.
Oi just got wind o a late arrival. Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD has boarded an be refusin to take the lower bunk beneath Big Brenda.
Arrr...
I'd come along if I be allowed to heave people I's don't like over the side. Should make it a short programme.
Failin' that, I be nominatin' the Dark Avenger.
Aaaaaaar! We needs moore wimin. Ere be the Dark Avenger checking out er berth just after boardin.
(http://i.imdb.com/Photos/Mptv/1336/th-5634_0054.jpg)
http://us.imdb.com/gallery/mptv/1336/Mptv/1336/5634_0054.jpg?path=pgallery&path_key=Rigg,%20Diana (http://us.imdb.com/gallery/mptv/1336/Mptv/1336/5634_0054.jpg?path=pgallery&path_key=Rigg,%20Diana)
YArrr...
O'im 'fraid the Dark Avenger has a few other..erm..issues regaring insertion of summit unpleasant in a certain bodily region.
Oi won't mention where, but Oi thinks ee moight have a few problems sittin' down on the ship.
That wont be a problem for 'The Dark Avenger' NEVER SLEEPS!
He might be a bit jumpy when he hears the sound o peg legs on the deck though!
The ship has set sail. You have but a short time to settle in before Big Bovver gives ye yer first tasks. Make the most of it !
Dear Bigger Reg
yarrgh help me I seem ter av been put in a cabin with Black Bart. I can cope with all is bad habits not washing fer a month, swearing all the toime, farting after evry swig of Rum an even the odd murder when some swab upsets im, after all we are all Pirates an we know the score.
However no one will let im in the kitchen to cook his foul Fish Head Stew so e as started to make it in our cabin. The smell in the cabin is dreadful an I even tried to open the window to throw meself off the ship but they weres locked.
Please get rid of the blaggard fer me as I will be hanging meself by the end of the day if e makes is stew again.
Thank yer
CJ
Just make sure yer Wig don't fall in the cookin pot ye daft blaggard!
From Bigger Reg to all ye Scurvy Shipmates
We will be docking in London on Sunday ter let off Calico Jack as e be taking part in the London Marathon. Unfortunatly the bald blaggard will be back on Sunday evening an we can expect im to start whinging as usual when e comes back.
Therefore I need yer help to arrange a little accident so e doesn't mek it back to the ship. Dave L, The Black Spot and Black Bart Meet me in the hold at 06:00 hours on Sunday ter discuss me plan.
Bigger Reg
From Big Bovver ter Bigger Reg
Ye scruvy producers are all the same. Ye stupid pair o peg legs. CJ WILL be back on boawd - e be jest the rite material fer makin ther programb excitin. We needs every trublemakker ter get ther competitoors ter creaite ther roight atmosfere.
If ye wont ter ang on ter yer job, ye get im back by midnite.
Or else.
*** Message from Big Bovver ***
Boy team will partner the Girl team in the first task as follows:
Task Leader is The Black Spot
DaveL - Missy Melissa
Big Ron - Lola Spanks
Ken Liversausage - Little Miss Fifi
Black Bart - Big Brenda
Barbados Ben - Sister Mercy
Calico Jack - The Dark Avenger
Task: Collect rare vegetables from obscure islands. Develop an interesting recipe using your initiative. Force feed your partner the cooked product.
Goal: Winning pairs will be those who manage to eat the most without vomiting or other mishaps. Points will also be given for originality. Pair who come in last will force feed each other from all the other pairs food samples. First to vomit or fall over dead will be thrown off the ship.
**************************************************************
You have 45,890,404 minutes to complete your task.
***************************************************************
YYYAAARRRRR...First port o call l'be Swansea to pick up some Leeks and a bucket o Lava Bread. Taint technicaly an island but I be hopin it qualifies as it be called The Gower Peninsula an it be part o the hobscure British Isles.
Sufferin barnacles Brenda's eaten the Leeks already!
YArrr, offs we go Missy Melissa.
Oi know a excellent rubbish dump where we can get some delicious gourmet maggots.
Was that weevils you say Missy? Ooh yes, Oi think we can manage a lovely weevil-maggot combo wif rice.
Hey Barbados Ben, Oi know wears we can find sum rare sago maggots in Borneo. Don't tell DaveL or that prissy Melissa.
Back at camp, strategies for this weeks Piral Council elimination were being devised. Everyone was now sporting 3-day growths, including the women to give that rustic 'I'm stuck on an island' look.
In full view of their despised subjects, alliances for this weeks vote were being formed.
'You know that varmint Barbados Ben' said Mayor Keith.
'He's gotta go, he's a Big threat for more reasons than one' said Black Spot.
Over in the bushes, more whispering and more alliances were being formed.
'Bart if we stick together, we can get to the final four, said The Dark Avenger. Little did Dark Avenger realise, but Bart had already formed an alliance with DaveL, Spot and Calico Jack. 'Yeah sure Dark avenger, O'ill look after ye' said Bart (with fingers crossed)...
.... meanwhile Lola Spanks and Sister Mercy were spotted behind a tree waving smoking bunches of herbs.....
'YArrr, my fully emblazoned Bandana is bigger than your fully emblazoned Bandana...only 5 dubloon at yer nearest Cronin shop' shamelessly plugged Big Ron...
GGGGAAARRRRR...Ye filthy blaggards...which one o ye's been widdlin in the shower?
yarr I av been paired with The Dark Avenger, though I can't find the blaggard, in fact I don't even know what she looks like.
Also no varmint will be force feeding me anything or they will discover that me cutlass be very sharp.
CJ
Big Bovver be witholdin food ratiuns til ye all get yer act tergether an stop foolin arownd.
Big Brenda's eaten all my rations...ULP, an she be lookin at me kind o strange, and lickin her lips!!!!
That notoriious buccaneer Cap'n Bluenose in a magnificent demonstration of superior seamanship pulls in hard on the sheet and slamms the tiller over on his fast sloop to pull up alongside the ship. He pulls out a bull horn and directs it at the poor swabs on deck
"Aaaarrrggghhh!!!! Ye sea dogs! Be enny o' ye lookin fer sommat ter eat? Oi got exsellent hard tack, infested wi' the foinest quality maggots! Oi got five gallons o' last month's fish 'ead stewe wot Oi bin savin fer sum speshul kustomers! 'Ere be a kupple o red cowe sangas ter temp ye an' to be showin me bone-a-fiydees. Oi also got all manner of foine small goods specially stol, err, obtained from Big Ron's, plus there be cakes and uvver delights, all yours fer the takin, and fer a small fee, jest ter cover me hexpensus ye unnerstan..."
Cap'n Blue nose tossed rather unsavoury package across to the opposite deck. He sat back awaiting for some business...
Big Bovver Bovver Bovver Bovver......
Quote from: Calico Jack on May 08, 2007, 12:25:51 PM
yarr I av been paired with The Dark Avenger, though I can't find the blaggard, in fact I don't even know what she looks like.
CJ
Tis easy to spot the Dark Avenger...she be walkin with bandy legs an a pained expression!
Master of Ceremonies, Mr Big Bovver announces that the groups will be split into 2 tribes to compete in the elimination challenges.
1) The Pustule Tribe (Coloured cheesy yellow)and;
2) The Barnacle Tribe (Coloured white with grey spots)
Each of the competitors stepped forward to draw a colored scarf...
..... and tied themselves together with them so they wouldn't lose each other in the.....
...mist coming out of Big Ron's hammock. Meanwhile in the diary cabin The Dark Avenger whispered into the microphone...
'...I know it was the Black Spot who rearranged a certain part of my body back in Portsmouth. I'll never forget the scars on his face...well that and the fact he's been telling the whole tribe how he fixed me good and proper.
I'm so gonna vote him off the ship come Tribal Council time.
dare Wan an Bwine ,
i has a leeky dyaper
wots ya sujjist ?
YArrrr...
P-TV must have canned this reality TV show.
Quote from: DaveL on July 13, 2009, 09:36:50 PM
YArrrr...
P-TV must have canned this reality TV show.
The contestants all killed each other- so no one left to vote off- also the filming crew rioted over back pay and took the entire P-TV studios hostage demanding pizza, fish n chips, and beer while they figured out their other demands.
All hostages volunteered to go out and get the pizza, fish n chips, n beer thereby leaving only the hostage takers at P-TV.
They all starved to death by the 2nd week and no one wants to go in and clean up the mess. However the anthropology department at Portsmouth Uni has expressed interest in the human remains- decomposition studies you know.
...and Cap'n Cronan escaped AGAIN..................................
alloooooo....?
iz tha kamra on ?
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
i faht Bwuswin Bwine an Big Wawn on dis punch an Judy ShOw
Hey nefuBB - we are all in the swimmin' pool.
HOBOY !
i wull git tharr affer i walk fru all tha traffik on tha hiway .