STOP fornicating! you are causing global warming

[anthrobabe]

well at least according to Yisrayl Hawkins, pastor and overseer of The House of Yahweh

not sure if it's on the web-- probably is-- but found a flier on my car, 4 pages about global warming and yep you guessed it among it's many causes (and of course it is prophecised in the bible as well) FORNICATION is causing it!

ok after rereading it is   www.yisraylhawkins.com   I can't wait to check it out. and dear ones he is in Abilene TX.

other goodies in the newsletter--- a dubious translation of the word sorceries to mean 'pharmacist,medication,druggist, pharmacy or poisoner'  yes folks Penicillin is causing global warming as it is a sin because it is used to cure STD's (among other silly illnesses).

so here is what I think we should all do
get his email and email him every single time we fornicate in our daily lives--- now let's use a broad definition of fornication to mean ANY and ALL sex or even making out that we do--- in any way or form with anyone or not--- that way he'll get a clear picture of how boring his life is and maybe he will go out and get laid and get a life 

also we need to make him aware of how in fact Pirates help fight global warming!

[Opsa]

Oh, super- another doomsday-worshipping fanatic. Oops- did I type that out loud? I'm sorry- that was not very humble of me. But really, the "Chucky" nuclear baby really takes the cake.

So what are you thinking, Ababe? Maybe send notices of our whoopie disguised as confessions? Maybe with extended remorsefulness and gnashing of teeth/rending of clothes? Or maybe we could say we already gnashed/rent whilst in the throes and see if we get points off for it. 

[Pachyderm]

Tell him to ^&*% off. And see if that counts as "fornication".

[Aggie]

So what are you thinking, Ababe? Maybe send notices of our whoopie disguised as confessions? Maybe with extended remorsefulness and gnashing of teeth/rending of clothes? Or maybe we could say we already gnashed/rent whilst in the throes and see if we get points off for it. 

Much whipping (cream) and ganaching of teats..... 

[Griffin NoName]

It's just so sad.

[Sibling Zono (anon1mat0)]

I hate to say it but there is something to the argument, think about it, fornication begets children and children become consumers with large carbon footprint appetites. On the same token, antibiotics are pretty much the reason for the explosive rise in population for the past century, think of all the children that would have died without antibiotics.

IOW, the argument is sound: More people = More CO2

Which explains the prophesied apocalypse: g_d needs to get rid of a huge number of people in order to reduce CO2 emissions on his creation. Given that a flood is ruled out (perhaps because he figured out the amount of methane resulting from it) a different measure needs to be taken this time...
 

[pieces o nine]

Much whipping (cream) and ganaching of teats..... 

Brother Hawkins can be found on one of the public access channels here in the weeeeeee hours of the weekend mornings. If chronic insomnia is wearing me down and I am bored with my books/cds/movies/blogs, I'll watch an episode or two, in utter fascination. (In his case, episode is the definitive word...) He harangues, berates, and works that patriarchal mojo for all it's worth.

I am a pale jealous wreck that you have this flier, PS, and I like your suggestion. Of course, this person could find a whole slew of verses to prove that your proposed emails are not only foretold in Daniel *and* Revelation, but are in fact, interstate propositions or worse. Just a thought. 

[Pachyderm]

Is it only human fornication that is causing the problem? Or are all those unmarried plants and animals contributing to it?

[Sibling Chatty]

Oh, geeze, a stupid ex-cop and trailer park manager is the next David Koresh??

Damn, Bill Hawkins was crazy years ago. I guess it just got worse.

Abilene was the closest "city" to Brownwood, where I went to college. One of the girls on my floor in the dorm was related to this nutcase, and she said back then that he and his brother were crazy. Time has shown 'zakly HOW crazy...

[Aggie]

Oh, geeze, a stupid ex-cop and trailer park manager is the next David Koresh??

It's Mr. Layhey? ^^

[Scriblerus the Philosophe]

That's hilarious stuff. I was showing this to a friend, and he sent me to this site, which is even funnier.
It looks like someone ran it through babble fish about half the time.

[Aphos]

And what about all those sheep and cows and pigs and such.  After all, methane is a greenhouse gas, and the more cows we have, the more cow farts.  It's awful.  We will have to stop all this animal fornicating.  If we want the world to return to its natural state we are going to have to get rid of all this nature.

[beagle]

I haven't followed the link, but I'm guessing from the name that we're talking Old Testament here. The same Old Testament that has "Go forth and multiply" and Noah telling his sons to spread it about a bit (paraphrasing slightly).
How is a tribe expected to prosper in the eyes of the Lord if not big enough to thump the neighbouring tribe with a different Lord next door? The man has no concept of theology .

[Swatopluk]

That won't run. Fornication is illegitimate sex, i.e. outside marriage and/or for enjoyment instead of procreation. Whether sex inside marriage is allowed to be enjoyable is an old debating point among theologians. Many think it is sinful in any case but if the puprose is legitimate it is only a venial sin. But you can't be in the 144000 specially rewarded ones, if you are female or had sexual contact with females (that actually is in revelation and not a later invention).

[beagle]

Phelps isn't going to like the implications of that.  Wouldn't want to be God explaining it to Germaine Greer either.

[Pachyderm]

I went and had a look at Scriblerus' link, and found, among the rantings, this little gem:

Santa & God debase women
as if non-existing opposites.
How evil unto their mothers.

and this:

Scientists know Time Cube,
but any scientist supporting
the 4 simultaneous days in a
single rotation of Earth, will
be fired and banned for life
from academic institutions.
Scientists are evil cowards
and  should be castrated
for obscurantism of the 4
simultaneous days within
a single rotation of Earth.
Average people understand
4 Day Creation when I tell
them about it, but scientist
can't accept it, for the evil
bastards think singularity.
Singularity can't procreate,
a feat requiring opposites.

oh yes, and:

Recognition and application of this Cubic
simultaneous 4 day rotation of Earth,
will change all math, science and societies
from the beginning of human existence.
You have to be evil to ignore this math.

1-Midday to midday is a 24 hour rotation.
2-Sundown to sundown is a 24 hour rotation.
3-Midnight to midnight is a 24 hour rotation.
4-Sunup to sunup is a 24 hour rotation.

4 Earth corners rotate 4 Time corners -
for 4 simultaneous day rotation of Earth -
equating the principle of a 4 pole motor.
Academic bastards will deny the obvious.
Americans are EVIL for ignoring Cubicism.

That's some quality frothing at the mouth, old-time raving.

He's not a fan of Wikipedia, either.

[beagle]

You have to be evil to ignore this math.

1-Midday to midday is a 24 hour rotation.
2-Sundown to sundown is a 24 hour rotation.
3-Midnight to midnight is a 24 hour rotation.
4-Sunup to sunup is a 24 hour rotation.

I didn't entirely follow why:

Tea-time to tea-time is a 24 hour rotation

doesn't qualify too, but then I haven't been eating the cacti or licking the toads.

[Aggie]

.......atoms are made of spaceships, and I'm the reborn Jesus.

[Pachyderm]

Hooray! Jesus is back! And he's a Canadian scientist!

Nasty one in the face for all them Southern Evangelical types.
Stand up all the Creationists who feel like idiots now....

[Aggie]

I was quoting an old user at TOP.     

Atoms are made of spaceships in which trillions of super-intelligent micro-beings live and in the far future we shall built also the whole universe into a spacecraftculture too.
Like it is in the microcosm it will be in the macrocosm too.
Atoms are made of spaceships in which trillions of super-intelligent micropeople live and in those micropeople are little atoms too of course which are also even smaller spaceships of an even higher spacecraftculture, and so on as an infinite progression.
In fact: the whole universe is not a dead mechanism what science wants us to believe, but it is built of living beings, micro-beings in the microcosm.
All those microbeings as one unity, as one being is GOD himself.
Read the new bible about Gods Kingdom in the microcosm:
http://home.wanadoo.nl/r.f.dezwart/Frame-engels.html


EVIDENCE
I have much evidence, because the microcosm is a higher world according to the fact that an atom is much more complex than our solar-system and according to the higher fysics of the microcosm.
And what is a higher world?
AN ETERNAL EVOLUTION
A higher world is a spacecraftculture, due to the fact that we ourselves shall build the macrocosm into a higher spacecrafculture in the future and then the cosmos shows to be al logical system of an eternal evolution.
ENDLESS PROGRESSION OF CULTURES
And this eternal evolution already exists in the microcosm as an endless progression of higher and higher cultures.
INTELLIGENT ATOMS
And you can also explain why our bodies can be ruled by simple atoms, who are not so simple anymore in my atomtheory.

Then again, I have been known to expound on the structure of the universe being inherrantly hyper-noodley, so I'm not so far out of the atoms-are-spaceships bin myself. 

[Opsa]

My atoms are made of spaceships that are badly in need of tune-ups.

Atomtherapy? Is that like aromatherapy? Do I need therapy from things that are made of spaceships? Who the heck's driving those things? Do they have licenses?

It is forever tea-time and we are all the reborn Jesus. I don't have to believe. I know it deep inside my spaceships.

[anthrobabe]

who was it that said

string theory--- aren't noodles just sorts of strings?

i'm hungry--- spag at my house tonight!

[Sibling Chatty]

.......atoms are made of spaceships, and I'm the reborn Jesus.

[pieces o nine]

I didn't entirely follow why:

Tea-time to tea-time is a 24 hour rotation

doesn't qualify too, but then I haven't been eating the cacti or licking the toads.

Sounds like the Long, Dark Teatime of the Soul.

[goat starer]

Frankly I have not done nearly enough fornicating for ages (otherwise known as none at all).

Give me half a chance with someone nice and any kindly thoughts towards polar bears will go straight out the window!!!!!!!

[Griffin NoName]

Is fornicating all it's cracked up to be? 

[Pachyderm]

No idea, it's been a while. I prefer to count it in Ice Ages, then it's only four...

[Aphos]

.......atoms are made of spaceships, and I'm the reborn Jesus.

I had completely forgotten that guy on TOP until you brought this up.  GAWD!, that guy was weird.

[beagle]

Yep. Even when judged against some pretty stiff competition.

[Swatopluk]

Frankly I have not done nearly enough fornicating for ages (otherwise known as none at all).

Give me half a chance with someone nice and any kindly thoughts towards polar bears will go straight out the window!!!!!!!

Finally something we can agree on!
Hm, what about doing it on a polar bear skin?

[E.Raser]

Is it only human fornication that is causing the problem? Or are all those unmarried plants and animals contributing to it?

we should be  fornicating like porcupines, with many, many cautions

[Opsa]

 

"Hey baby- let's fornicate like PORCUPINES!"

It's really very simple. If you MUST fornicate, just remember to cry out "Y'ARRRGGGHHH!" or (my personal favorite) "G'ARRRGGGHHH!" at some point during ecstatcy to balance out the global warming with piradical sensibilities.

[Aphos]

OH...MY...YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARR!!!

[anthrobabe]

sex therapist: well what brings you here today?
girlfriend of pirate: well it's _________ he's begun to yell alot during our lovemaking.
sex therapist: Could you elaborate a bit more?
girlfriend: well he goes YARGH! alot and the neighbors are starting to notice.

[Sibling Lambicus the Toluous]

Oh, geeze, a stupid ex-cop and trailer park manager is the next David Koresh??

It's Mr. Layhey? ^^

Ha!

If I had to pick the leader of a crazy religious commune, I'd go with Bubbles, but I don't think he'd be very keen about the job.

[Opsa]

I think all the Y'AARRGGGHHHHing would upset Bubbles and his kitties. Maybe we could soundproof his trailer.