Long Winded Stories of the Ocean

[Black Bart]

Blimey, funny I should mention that incident, we were at the quiz last night.  We didn't win but the landlord must have had a few too many Mince pies or something cos he started giving away all his wine.  It was one question per bottle and by the end we'd won a bottle each!

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Yarr ! He was generous cos ye be responsible for his new Rolls Royce ( an it be yer burfday ) YARRRRRRRRRRRR!

[Griffin NoName]

Oi jest 'opes it wernt Cap'n's Delight

[Black Bart]

I fear it was Captain's Delight...I was extremely ill on Wednesday Night!  I've either had a touch of food poisoning or I over did it...recovering slowly!

[Griffin NoName]

aaaaaaaaaarrrrgh!  Oi downt fink it be fittin fer a pirate ter offer sympaffy !!

[Black Bart]

Arrrrgh...A noice bowl of Fish Head Stew and I be as roight as rain!

[anthrobabe]

.....Ye not ridin in me cabin ifin ye eats tha stewe-- ye kin ride on the quartermasters deck and hang ye head off tha side fur a bit, that stewe'll make one see fings like onced I swears I seen Ol Aggie wearin a ....

[Black Bart]

...skimpy pair of...

[Bruder Cuzzen]

...Aces! , beamed The Black Spot as he reached for the pot .

" Wait !" , exclaimed Black Bart , " I has three aces ...Ye is a filthy cheat ! Here !...use me hanky , ye has a few spots about ye...

[Griffin NoName]

...frilled shirt.... interrupted TBS " Aye that be me frilly shirt wot went missin in 1748. Gi' it bakk 'ere." and TBS lunged fer it, rippin' it right down the front and exposing.................................

[Griffin NoName]

..........that the margins between long winded tales and continuous tales is a fine line, along with the totally naked hairless, not a single hair in sight, possibly even shaved, chest of the biggest sea-going coward that ever raised a peg leg in anger while adjustin' his.......

[Aphos]

Phil, Lil and the Bilge Rat Pirates

Phil had once been a seafaring hamster, but had settled down to a nice sedate life in the city of Portsmouth.  There, he had met a very pretty mouse by the name of Lillian, better known to her friends as Lil.  Lil worked Tuesday and Thursday nights at Barnacle Bart's Emporium as a fan dance, entertaining the sailors on shore leave.

One Friday morning, in the very wee hours, Phil became anxious as Lil had not returned to their flat.  Deciding that something may have happened to his dear mouse, he started forth to investigate.  As he made his way to Barnacle Bart's, he saw no signs of trouble, though a lone rodent could run into a lot of misery on these mean streets.  Alley cats were everywhere.  Phil, however, arrived at Barnacle Bart's without a single cat showing itself.  There, Phil talked to Bart hisself, and learned some disturbing news.

That night, during Lil's routine, a group of rats in quite disreputable clothes had entered the Emporium.  Their jeers and comments had been so rude that Bart had tossed the lot of them out on their tails.  However, Bart had seen the rats hanging around the side of his establishment for some time after he had evicted them.  Bart then noted that the rats had disappeared after Lil's show was over.

Inquiring further, Phil learned that this group of rats had been later seen heading toward the docks all in a huddle.  At the docks, Phil discovered that a group of rats had been seen hustling something up the gang plank of the Parsifal.  The Parsifal was a privateer that spent most of its time in the Mediterranean raiding French merchants.  It was back in England to purchase two new cannon.

Going up the gang plank seemed like a bad idea to Phil, so he picked one of the hawsers tying the ship to the dock and scurried up it to board the ship.  Hiding behind the scuttlebutt, Phil caught a whiff of Lil's perfume.  The scent led down a line into the bowels of the ship.  Carefully descending the rope, Phil made his way to the bilge.  There, among the ballast stones, he found Lil.

Lil was cowering against the ships hull, surrounded by rats.  At the head of the rat pack was a huge rat wearing a belt and three-cornered hat.  He was leering at Lil in a way that made Phil's blood run cold.

Leaping out of the darkness, Phil stamped on the huge rat's tail.  With a scream, this rat turned around.  A slow smile appeared on his face as he drew a huge sewing needle, used for repairing sails, from his belt.  He swished it back and forth a few times and advanced on Phil as the other rats pulled back.

Phil, light on his feet, sprang back as the rat slashed to and fro.  Phil, no stranger to sword play, could tell that while this rat was powerful, he actually knew very little of how to use a sword.  Waiting for his moment, Phil lunged under a swing and came up in the rat's face.  There, Phil bit down hard on the rat's nose.  The huge rat towered over Phil and tried to beat him down with the sword, but Phil grabbed the weapon and wrenched it from the rat's hand.  Turning the needle on the rat, Phil executed a perfect thrust and pierced the rat through the throat.  The huge rat died with a gasp.

Still holding the sword, he picked up the dead rat's tri-cornered hat and set it on his head.  The gang of rats shrank back, bowing in subservience.  Phil had just become the captain of the Bilge Rat Pirates.

[Bruder Cuzzen]

YARR ! , Tis many a month since we have had such a loverly  long winded tale . Well done matey ! ARRRRGH !

[Aphos]

Phil, Lil and Fat Tom

The Parsifal has a ship's mascot of sorts.  A cat by the name of Fat Tom.  It is actually one of those ironic misnomers, for Tom is far from fat.  He is a lean, grizzled old cat, blind in his left eye, a mangled left ear, and a stub of a tail where a French cannon ball took the rest.

Fat Tom works for Pops, the ship's cook.  Pops is an old sailor who is now more than half blind.  Fat Tom's main job is to keep the bilge rats out of the ships stores, for sea biscuits are reserved for humans and weevils.

The bilge rat pirates make do mostly by making off with fish heads from Pops galley.  They take 'em back to the bilge where they brew up a mean fish head stew.

Phil's problem is, Lil has a delicate palate and can't abide fish head stew.  So Phil has to sneak into the stores every few days and nip a biscuit for her.  With Fat Tom on guard, this can be a dangerous task.

So one fine day, Phil was off to steal his lady love some biscuits.  Lil, who was still leery of the bilge rats, spent almost all of her time in Phil's cabin.  But the close spaces were giving her cabin fever and Lil decided to go up on deck.  There, she was enjoying a brisk sea breeze when she spotted Fat Tom heading for the hold and the ship's stores.  Remembering it was biscuit day, she realized Phil might be in danger and hurried after Fat Tom.

Now Phil was just about to nip a biscuit when Fat Tom leaped onto a nearby barrel.  Phil immediately dove for cover behind a chest.  Crouching as far back as he could, Phil was just able to escape Tom's needle sharp claws.  Problem was, Phil was trapped.

Suddenly, Fat Tom gave a scream and jumped straight up into the air.  Lil had kicked him on the stub of his tail.  Coming back down, Fat Tom tore out after Lil, who ran between two barrels.  Fat Tom careened into the barrels, shook his head and jumped to the top of one looking for his prey.

Phil, acting quickly, scurried out of hiding and up a rope.  He made it to the peg on which the coil of rope hung and strained to push the coil off.  With a thud, the rope landed on top of Fat Tom.  Buried in tangled rope, Fat Tom hissed and spit and clawed his way out, only to find that Phil and Lil had made their escape.

Now one might think that Phil and Fat Tom would become enemies after this, but Phil actually negotiated an agreement with Fat Tom that was worthy of pirate shipmates.  In exchange for a fish head from Pops' galley, Fat Tom agreed that Phil could nip two biscuits, not enough to gather notice.  Also, every few days, one of the bilge rat pirates would scamper out on deck, be chased by Fat Tom from bow to stern and disappear back into the bilge.  Thus Fat Tom maintained his reputation as a superb mouser.

And Lil got to eat her sea biscuits.

[Black Bart]

Arrrrrrgh...nice to hear a good tale while ye supps yer grog.  Can ye repeat the last bit matey...I fell off me seat and singed me hat!