The Continuous Briny Fable

[DaveL]

Once upon a time, a large man trod the streets of Portsmouth...

[beagle]

With his harpoon gun, long grey beard and his glittering eye, not to mention the albatross hung round his neck, distressed oilskin jacket, and even more distressed face there was not much danger of mistaking him for a minor civil servant at the Department of Work and Pensions.

Then there was his habit of fixing passers by with the aforementioned glittering eye, ripping their iPod headphones off, and bellowing in their ear.

"There was a ship ", said he...

[The Black Spot]

...A large ship. A ship so huge that a man standin' by the prow would need an hour to make 'is way back to the stern (and that were runnin'). It were so big that it were rumoured that a man could get lost in the Officers' toilets.

Now this behemoth were sailin' off the coast o' Madagascar with the mission to fill its vast hold with...

[Bluenose]

...lemurs.  Yes, the behemoth had been chartered to that evil zoological genius Mad Squirrel Bobkin.  Bobkin planned to capture all the world's endangered animals and hold them for ransom at his secret hide out in the Bermuda Triangle.  After Madagascar, Bobkin planned to sail to...

[DaveL]

...Antartica, for Bobkin was misinformed that Antartica was named for it's abundance of ants. However...

[Calico Jack]

....they got a bit lost on the way and ended up in Antigua.  This huge ship then run aground on some rocks and the crew escaped just in time to see it crushed to pieces by the huge waves.

Antigua was ruled by a tribe who offered to help them build a new ship. First of all they introduced the crew to their chef who had invented a new recipe, his name was B...

[beagle]

...listeringly hard to remember. Legend had it he had done his chefing apprenticeship at Rick Stein's Padstow seafood restaurant, but was found to be so incompetent that he was only allowed to cook with the left over bits and pieces. Nevertheless he became famous with public health authorities the world 'oer on account of the havoc he caused with his...

[The Black Spot]

...special entree dish. Marinated overnight in cabbage water, his baked bean and cucumber cluster was the talk of the catering world.

His big break came soon after when, with the backing of the grateful Andrex company, he set up his first restaurant.

On the opening night...

[Calico Jack]

...the cream of society was there. Lords, Actors, Polictians, some even took their own wives.

Howver the customers who sampled this lavish dish would never forget this evening in a hurry. This is because the Baked Bean used contained a strange ingredient that on consumption resulted in violent stomach pains and an overwhelming urge to go to the....

[The Black Spot]

...library and do research on nautical matters.

One chap, consumed by the baked bean bug, read every shipfaring book in the library. He then found himself growing dissatisfied with his life as a telephone directory proof reader, and decided to embark on a new career on the high seas.

First, he had to find a ship to join. So off he went to "The Dribbling Parrot Hotel" by the docks, and made a few enquiries at the bar. The barman pointed him in the direction of...

[beagle]

...a faded oak door with a strange symbol of a man on it. He went back to the bar, once again trying to make himself heard above the aaarrrgggs, yaarrrrs, and old Bee Gees songs. "No, I mean a boat he said.  B-O-A-T."

"Well there be Capn DeathTrap's old ship, tied up over there next to those leaking drums of radioactive waste", said the barman. "I wouldna" (he was part Glaswegian) "sail on 'er meself guvnor" (and part Romford), "on account of her having no promenade deck, and a reputation for..."

[The Black Spot]

...serving up out of date packets of pork scratchings."

The young man rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"I'm prepared to rough it," he said as he strode manfully towards the rotting hulk.

As he boarded the ancient, creaking gangplank, the fearsome figure of Cap'n Deathtrap appeared.

"Arrr, ye want t' join me crew," he said. "ye'll have to take the position of...

[Griffin NoName]

...The Locust.

Lie on your front. Rest your chin on the ground, then move it forward as much as you can, so that your throat lies almost flat. Put your arms by your sides, then push your hands under your body, and make them into fists or clasp them together. Bring your elbows as close together as possible.

Then see if yer can make it up ter the crow's nest without splittin yer.....

[Aphos]

infinitives.

The young man, being highly motivated to join the crew, made it to the crows nest without having to use improper grammar.  Once there, he rememered the captian's instuctions...Keep a sharp eye out fer...

[DaveL]

...buxom wenches, for the 6 month voyage will send a lesser man bonkers.

On the Foc'sle stood a drunken ole Captain with...