A Pssitaculturalist's Delight: Parrot Breedin' Stories

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

It's bin a while since we've 'ad the chance to discuss our fine feathered friends.  The Monastery offers some excellent breedin' opportunities - ooops an' Oi didn't mean a visit to Madame Fifi's either...YArrr!

Oi's hear that there be some excoitin developments to breed some bewdiful parrots in this foine establishment.

As it be parrot breedin' season again, it's toime get yer Polly and Poll-ette together...after they get to know one another of course ...and tell us the finer points of your Pssitacultural delights.

Settle down Polly...Settle Down!! YArrrr!!!

Just check out these foine websites dedicated to the art of parrot breedin'

http://www.parrots-psittaculturist.co.uk/
http://www.perroquet.com/en/

YArrrr...and who said Monasteries were a bit quiet when it came to red hot action...YArrrrr!!!

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

For me first breedin experiment, Oi crossed a George Bush with an African Grey and got 'A War on Parrots'..YArrrrr!

[Aggie]

Do this mean ye blaggarts'll leave the sheep alone? 

Me parrot got into me medical kit a whoile back an' then laid an egg...
It hatched out into a tournikeet!

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

I tried t' breed some fine parrots, but they got a taste o' me grog and they can't stop drinkin' ever since. They're not interested in breedin' anymore:

[Aggie]

YAAARRR!  A case o' the ol' "whiskey cloaca", issit? 

[Bluenose]

Oi bin havin a bit er trubble wiv me red tailed black cockatoo, Oi fawt 'e be gettin a bit lonely an' so Oi went an got im a girlfiriend, or so Oi thunk.  But it seems the parrot shop Oi went to did not know their business reall good like, coz the female they selled me were no girl parrot at all but anuvver male.  Now my bird is nay interested in the girls and keeps wistlin at all the boy parrots.  Wot do yer suggest?

Cap'n Bluenose

[Aggie]

Mebbe yer bird was the femail... any eggs about?  Elsewise, make sure ye give's em lots of tasteful fabrics to decorate the nest wit.

[Aphos]

Me parrot took up ballet, and now Oi've got a cocka-tutu.

[Sibling Chatty]

Arrrrgggh, me parrot took th' week orf ter go visit at the home ov one o' his parrot buddies an' has come back wif a most dissgustin' habit.

At any odd toime of ther day er nite, he'll holler out "Stay the course, stay the course" or start chantin' a couple of odd numbers...noine, eleven, noine, eleven.

Is he possessed? It this a passin' affliction, or should we hev his squawker remooved an' get a little tape thet'll play the traditional "Pieces of Eight, Pieces of Eight" and other of the more sensible parroty sayins??

It is defoinnitely th' verry las' time he'll be allowed to go ter Kenny Bunk Port, wherever tha' be.

Tis sad when yer parrot loses his little Psitticalcinated mind...

[Aphos]

'Tis truly sad, sibling Chatty.  Your parrot has clearly been spending time with birds of inferior intelligence.

Judging from the symptoms, your parrot has fallen into a rut.  He needs Perplex-a-Parrot (tm).

All transactions final.  All work guaranteed for 24 hours.  Offer void in some states.  Warning:  Treatment effective only on parrots, parakeets, cockatoos, cockateels, macaws, and related species.

[DaveL]

Yarrrr...

Me George W. parrot keeps squwakin somthin about invadin the adjacent bird cage...

Oi keeps tellin 'im that they've got exactly the same bird seed he has, but he's just not satisfied.

[Sibling Chatty]

OI b'leeve the George W. parrot is a Kenny Bunk Port Breed, and tis me unnerstandin' thay they breeds true for insanity, pointy beaks, beady eyes an' a touch o' facism in mos' generations.

Oi been cogitatin' on ther history of th' breed, and oi'm defynitely rememberin' the fascism part quoite well. Was the Grandfatherly Generation to the current one thet was so terrible inclined to it.

Gennyrally yer able to deal wi' the George W's by lettin' 'em overindulge in grog. They have a deep likin' fer it. Unfortunately, they gen'rally hev a Dicky Bird (Cheneyinsis Dickus Majorus, a rather ugly bird wif a nasty temper'mint, a perm'nunt scowl and sparse plumage) pushin' em and tryin' to cause trubble wif all the other birds they in-cownter.

Sev'ral breeders suggest the applycation of a nice level spoonful of saltpeter and Valium 3 toimes a day to reduce aggression, but others are in fayver of a lobotomy. Num'rous Bird Doctors hev reported diffyculty foindin' a brain on the George W. but more curious is the ability of the Dicky to live wif no discernable heart.

Strange birds, indeed.

[Black Bart]

Whilst I were marooninated by me mutinous crew last week there weren't much ado but drink exotic cocktails and admire the local birds...

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

For me second experiment. Oi crossed a Macaw with Sir Bob Geldorf and got a parrot that wants to end world hunger by feedin' the world bird seed...

YArrrrr!!

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRRR...Cross breedin be a dangerous thing...that be how the English (POMS) were created!

[The Black Spot]

Me own cross breedin' story be unfortunate. There were no plan, just that me parrot got a bit lonely after a few months at sea, an' got a bit too friendly with the ship's cat. After a few days, me parrot laid an egg, an it hatched into the most ghastly feline-bird hybrid.

Similarly, in the hold, one o' the racehorses got involved with one o' the goats.

These two cross-breeds took an instant dislike to each other, and so now we have to put up wi' daily battles between Cat Parrot and Filly the Kid.

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

That be truly scary. That must have bin one helluva long voyage there matey.

Oi've heard those feline birds be hard to catch. Oi suggest catchin 'em with a saucer of milk and piece of cuttle fish for sharpenin' his beak.

P'aps you could give the goat/horse a run in the local races. Just watch out for his horns.

YArr..

[Black Bart]

Cat Parrot and Filly the Kid.

YYYAAARRR The Black Spot's been cross bred with Tommy Cooper!

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

Oi also tried crossing one of me Giant Parrots with a Whale Shark and got 'A long tall drink of water'

YARggghhh!!!

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRRR...in an even more bizarre experiment my chief scientific officer cross bred a centipede with a parrot and got...

A walkie talkie!

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Oi wundered why Oi got bitten last toime I wuz doin a bit of mobile communication.

[Sibling Chatty]

Oi hev resently incountered a new variety of parrot owner. He claims ter be a Pollytheist.

Oi be loikin' me parrot as much as th' next pirate, but it set me ter wonderin' if Oi should join thet faith, becuz a dislecksyk loike meself woud be much better off wif a Deity named Loppy than wershipin' Dog...

(OK, that was really bad...I would be ashamed of me if I had any sense.)

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Whadaya talken about Sibling Chatty? Oi though it wuz huddy bl-ilarious!

[The Black Spot]

There be a parrot that we keeps on the deck that be a bit poor at talkin'. 'Ee chatters away alright, but 'ee keeps gettin 'is words mixed up. Spoonerisms or summit like that according to an educated "guest" I once had aboard.

This parrot just learns t' repeat what 'ees heard on deck. 'Ee shouts things like "ARRRR yer dazy log!" and "Into the nose crest wi' ye!"

Lately, it's bin saying "Slack Bot is a bright rastid." an all me men snigger when 'ee says it. Fer the life o' me I can't puzzle out what the bugger be tryin' to say.

[Sibling Chatty]

Yer know the silly birds just make th' babblin' sounds most the time, Slack, err Spot. If it amyoozes yer crew, encourage 'im ter say it orften.

[Black Bart]

T "Slack Bot is a bright rastid."

I ran it through the 'Portholes 98' translation widget for parrot and it came out as:
'Pieces of eight, pieces of eight, who's a pretty boy then!'
Then I swapped it round for English to Parrot and it gave me:
Squawk again ye bastid bird and I'll have ye roasted for dinner!

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Oi believe the Oz translation fer that is:

'Strewth! One more peep out of you yer flamin' bag of lice and yewl be me next feathered quilt.'

[Black Bart]

...YYYAAARRR and the Welsh translation be:

Parrot GoGoGoch!

[DaveL]

YArrr...

The thought of a parrot speakin Welsh sounds terrifyin'

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRRR...I never thought on it loik that...ye be right it be quite disturbin!  Twood be a bit loik Sir Harry Seacombe sittin on a perch!

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Oi wuz teachin my parrot Welsh an' thought Oid start of with sumthin simple loike;

'Llanhyfryddawelllehynafolybarcudprindanfygythiadtrienusyrhafnauole '

Then he freaked out and flew to coop!! Oi 'aves no oidea why 

I'll try teachin me next parrot the finer points of Manx.

[Black Bart]

YArrrr...
I'll try teachin me next parrot the finer points of Manx.

For a minute thar Capn Dave I thought ye were teachin yer parrot:
'The finer points of MARX'. That would be impressive but it needs to be thought out proper loik.  If the Marxism was to spread to yer crew it could cause all sorts o bother. I once made the mistake of takin me crew to watch a Sartre play at the Skull & Crossbones Theatre in Portsmouth...on the next voyage, which appened to be a long one, all I could get out of the blaggards was Existential this and Existential that.  The entire crew had to be re-trained at the end of the lash!

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

Me last flock of parrots started a Parrotal Revolution. One of the dominant parrots became known as the Chair-parrot, Kim-Jong Macaw. His picture was plastered all over the bird cage.

The other parrots started burnin' their seed trays clamin they were 'petty bourgois luxuries'. Before yer know it, non-complying parrots were being marched around through the bird cage, with signs around their necks sayin 'I'm a capitalist parrot'

Unfortunately Kim-Jong Macaw destroyed the bird cage when he started testing nuclear bird crackers'. Oi lost me whole avery that year...YArrr!

[The Black Spot]

I had one o' them marxist fellers in me crew once. Aways gripin' about the unfairness o' "the system" 'ee were.

One day, we were diggin' up some treasure on a small lonely island. We opened the chest, an' all the men cheered when they saw the gold it contained.

The marxist looked down 'is nose at the treasure chest an said "Nothing can have value without being an object of utility."

I wonder if 'ees still there?

[DaveL]

YArrr...

Next thing yer know, they'll be partitioning yer ship with a large brick wall, havin 5 year plans and invadin the other half of yer ship trying to 'liberate' it from ye.

[Black Bart]

Getting back loosely to the original theme, I decided it was toim to fire up the old clonin equipment once again. This toim I threw in me best parrot 'Dixie' with the idea of cornerin the European parrot market.
Sadly me crew hadn't informed me they'd been usin the clonin facility to experiment with small scale nuclear fission!  Still, I've got plenty of brightly coloured quills for sale, ideal fer fillin in yer log book or writin ome to yer loved ones.

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

O'ill buy one of yer on Arggh-bay matey!!

Ifs we crossed a radioactive parrot wif a Kim Jong Il parrot, we'd probably get a 'Radio Head' parrot.

'Oi'm a creep (Rawrk!) O'im a Wierdo (Who's a pretty boy)...'

[Black Bart]

Ifs we crossed a radioactive parrot wif a Kim Jong Il parrot, we'd probably get a 'Radio Head' parrot.

'Oi'm a creep (Rawrk!) O'im a Wierdo (Who's a pretty boy)...'

AAARRRRRGH...a secret weapon.  Ye could fly the Radio Head parrot over yer enemies and spread depression and dispair amongst their ranks!

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

It might give the Kurt Kobain Parrot a run for it's money. Jes don't let him near the armoury, he may not be around too long.

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRRR...it could be worse, the other day Buddy Holly Parrot crashed through the roof o me cabin!