Scurvy Disciplinary Board

[Calico Jack]

There was a hushed anticipation in court as Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock, sat in his seat.  Rumours were rife that a big name was going to stand trial.

Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock shuffled his papers and banged his gaval. "The Scurvy Disciplinary Board calls" and after an audible gulp "Beagle" he said.

A gasp of astonishment came from the public gallery if anyone was above the law it was Beagle. Beagle was dragged cursing and spitting into court and taken into the dock where he was chained to the railings.

Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock banged his gaval "Silence he boomed. Mr Prosecutor please read out the charges."

Another gasp came from the gallery as Pirate Cap'n and part time barrister Calico Jack stood up and said.

"Desertion me lord, not just once mind but twice..."

[Black Bart]

AAARRRGGGH...Can we adds:
'Bein a clever bastid' to the charges m'lord?
The blaggard posted a Steely Dan song in the Lyrics thread before I could get thar and he knows every single Pink Floyd lyric, which aint sayin much granted...

[Griffin NoName]

Aye, said Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock, that we can. Meanwhile, as Beagle seems to have done another runner (add it to the charges Mr Clerk), we'll be hearing another case.

There was a rustling from the crowd and a few cheers when Treadmill, stripped of his titles and bare-footed, bare-headed, bare-eyed, and white as a sheet (Halloween not being far off) was frogmarched into the dock.

Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock looked down his very long nose at Treadmill and said "You stand accused on a very serious charge. It has been brought to the court's attention that you have libelled one Black Bart claiming him of self-timing exposures. What have you got to say for yourself for starting such viscious rumours about a few holiday snaps?

[Black Bart]

Would it please the court yer honour to point out that I often take my holidays at the Cloning Facility or at The Fish Head Stew Factory...tis a most agreeable place to relax and count me dub...er, write me memoirs!

[Griffin NoName]

H'Announcement

The Board is to send representatives to Southampton today to follow up leads in the Portsmouth Poisoning case.

Last month in Portsmouth, Cap'n LillyLiver was found dead, apparently poisoned, at The Admiral Benbow. Traces of the poison were found at several addresses, including Madam Fifi's. Cap'n LillyLiver had been investigating a group of Pirates, the Four Scurvy Bustards (FSB) known to have been hiding out in Southampton. The mystery deepened yesterday when traces of the same poison were discovered in Cap'n ScurvyScum's teapot. Cap'n ScurvyScum had previously informed The Board that he and Cap'n LillyLiver had been intercepting parrots fleeing the FSB.

Developments in the case indicate the Board may meet strong resistance from the Southampton Pirates even though one of the visiting Board members will be none other than PC Bobby Defenderson who is known for his people skills.

Anyone having any information relating to this case is encouraged to report to the Board and spill their guts.

[Black Bart]

YYYYAAARRRR...I blames the parents!

Oh...sorry... be this not about me cabin boy's ASBO?

[beagle]

I would's like to answer the charges wot some scurrolous varmints 'as laid against me. Me defence rests on several key facts:

I wasn't there.
I didn't do it.
I won'ts do it again.
I 'as an alibi for whatever time and date the alleged offence occurred.
It was a case of mistaken identity. How could the varmint have possibly recognised me at 100 yards distance in the dark and fog with blood in his eyes after I'd^H^H^H someone 'ad shot him. Especially as it wasn't me and I wasn't there. Wherever it was. In fact I've never been there.

Can I go now?

P.S. I's not a clever barstid either; it's just I can work Google and the ship's cat is a big Steely Dan fan.

[Griffin NoName]

Despite and Notwithstanding Beagle's claims, Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock after many days lengthy consideration, sentenced him to nine years peg leg whittling.

Forewith, Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock swiftly announced the next case.

Call Black Bart to the stand. The alledged crime is the telling of clapped out old jokes especially Big Breaths.

Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock thighed heavily. Call the first witness, Big Ron.

[Black Bart]

There was a terrific farting noise and the doors to the court blew off their hinges...

Clamping his nostrils tightly, Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock gasped and bellowed:

NO, NO, NO...belay that order, call another witness...any witness other than Big Ron...choke splutter!

[Griffin NoName]

But no other witnesses could be found. There was not a single soul in the whole of Portsmouth that'd admit they'd ever read such a bad joke.

Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock declared "This reflects badly on the character of Black Bart. Despatch the prisoner to er um er um er Jupiter at first light. And be swift about it."

[DaveL]

The judge then proceeded with Big Ron as a witness.

'Big Ron, please inform the court of your testimony...um, just to qualify, can you make that verbally and 'not other'.

[Griffin NoName]

Big Ron: Well me lud, Oi can still smell that joke even though ye sent Black Bart to Jupiter. An it smells bad, as bad as a joke can be, even worse than.....

[Bluenose]

a bucket o prawns in the sun, err, the secret ingredient o' me extra spicy sausages.  Cor, ye nearly 'ad me there me lord, I nearly revealed the secret o' 'w I came ter be known as...

[Black Bart]

...never mind that ye heartless blaggards...I be about to become the first pirate in space!!!!!

[The Black Spot]

... the patron saint of Andrex." Ron attempted a humble little cough, but instead produced a window rattling blast from his nether regions.

"yes, yes," gasped Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock. "But what about these appalling jokes?"

"Well m'Lud, I was delivering a hundredweight of my special deluxe gristle pies to Bart's ship, when I saw him composing one of his posts. As he was writing, he kept referring to a book."

"Did you see what this book was?" asked Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock.

"Yes m'Lud. It was entitled "Ken Dodd's Tattifilarious Book of Fun"."

A shocked silence fell over the court. "Ye gods!" said Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock. "I've heard legends about that hellish book. It's said that a copy is kept in the vaults of the British Museum, but I didn't think that there any in private hands! That book has been banned for almost a century!"

"Aye, and the jokes were old then," said Ron.

"And that monster has been recycling the jokes of Dodd," said Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock in a hushed tone. "Lord knows what terrors he has unleashed..."