Scurvy Disciplinary Board

[Griffin NoName]

The Board has been closed for renovations.

All previous cases are dismissed. The double jeopardy indemnity will however be waved and old cases may be re-opened at the discretion of the Board. Applications to be made in triplicate to The Court Recorder. 

There will be a formal re-opening for inspection of the new Court furnishings. Complaints may not be upheld.

Please convene in an orderly fashion and enter in single file. Do not crowd The Judge.

[Calico Jack]

Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock sat in his chair and addressed the public gallery who had all gathered waiting for the next case to commence.

"The Court will reconvene shortly and I will be the presiding judge.  I would like to remind prosecutors, defenders, members of the jury and memebrs of the public not to mention the scurvy vermin that regularly disrupted proceedings in the past that I will not tolerate any delays or time wasting whilst I am in charge.  Now my chambers need a coat of paint where are those blasted decorators"

At this point Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whislecock left the chambers.

In the public gallery Dave L turned to The Black Spot and sighed "This blaggard is trouble, we'll have our work cut out not to end up on the wrong end of a hangman's noose"....

[Bluenose]

Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock returned to the bench.  The Clerk of the Court exclaimed "All rise!"

"Now Mr Clerk of the Court," Sir Ronald said "read the charges for the first case, if you please."

The Clerk of the Court picked up some papers off his desk and proceeded "M'lud, the first case this morning is case number 23,967,463a, part II, subsection 23 - In the matter of the Scurvy Fleet versus Black Bart, it is alleged that Black Bart has gone AWOL on or about the 23 September and has not reported for duty since."

Sir Ronald asked "Am I to understand that Mr Bart is not present in court?"

"No he is not M'lud"

"Very well, we shall proceed to trial with with the defendant in absentia.  Mr Prosecuter, if you please..."

[Griffin NoName]

"Objection M'Lud!!!" came a scream in a high pitched voice.

Everyone turned around and stared at a strangely dressed female personage who had entered at the back of the court. She was wearing filthy rags and clutching several carrier bags. Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock peered over the rim of his spectacles at the spectacle and gave her a silent glare that would be enough to frighten anyone but Madam Judge Prucilla Cleopatra Fox-Terrier Stonehart, JD, MBE, DVD, RPM, EdX.

"M'Lud. There is an error. The aforementioned date being the 23rd (of September) [for this was a Lady who could talk in brackets] has been erroneously copied to the subsection. I doubt the subsection is number 23. I doubt it very much."

Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock beckoned the Court Recorder. Fifteen minutes passed while they whispered and the court became restless.

Eventually Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock called order in the court and announced "The subsection was numbered in error. It has been corrected. It now subsection 2233. Proceed. Bring out the Prisoner."

Someone shouted "Throw her out". Someone else shouted "There is no Prisoner." Another shouted "He's lost his marbles". Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock thundered "Court adjourned until 2 p.m."

[Calico Jack]

Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock stood up he was very angry "I am not going to tolerate any more interruptions to court proceedings, is that clear"

There as complete silence in court except for the sound of a pencil being sharpened by the clerk of the court. "I said no noise" said the judge hurling a cutlass across the courtroom where it neatly removed the clerk's head. "Now prosecutor present your case against Black Bart and no more time wasting".

[Calico Jack]

"I be the prosecutor" said a skinny figure wearing a black robe and trainers

"And you are" said Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock

"I be Calico Jack formerly known as Walk the Plank when I was a vicious murdering blaggard. But I be a law abiding citizen now and I as joined the Scurvy Fleet as its Prosecuting Counsel"

"OK OK I do not want your life history" sighed Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock "Read the charges against Black Bart"

"Well e as gone missing" said Calico Jack

"Oh someone please help me, another imbecile is in my midst" said Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock "Going missing as such is not an offence, please explain why this is such a serious charge"

"Well e pinhed me Rum and poisoned me crew with is Fish Head Stew" said Calico Jack

"No no you cannot charge him with that" said Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock "Don't you see that this is a confict of interest the offence was committed against yourself and you are the prosector".

Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock then conferred with his counsel and then said to the court "Please listen carefully this is very importnant. I understand Black Bart has been seen recently in old pirate territories" he said "If he presents himself to this court within 48 hours all charges will be dropped, Court Adjourned"

Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock then left the Courtroom. Dave L then turned to The Black Spot and whispered "Good work Spot, we have our man as Prosecuting Counsel and Bart only needs to show up at Court and he will be freed, our plan is working perfectly".

[Black Bart]

If I sends the court a photo of meself in the dock from the last time ye tried to hang me...will that suffice yer honour?

[Griffin NoName]

"No way" said Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock, dropping his posh voice so as Bart would understand he meant what he said. "All yer picters be just clones. That not be evidence" - talking pirate to emphasise the seriousness of the issue.

Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock gave an order to the clerk to send out the bailifs to take posession of Bart's peg leg immediately.

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRRR ye blaggards...that makes me hopping mad!

(hopping...peg leg...get it!)

[Bluenose]

Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock looked up at Bart "For that remark Mr bart, you can spend seven days in the stocks down at the quayside.  Seargant at Arms!  Take the prisoner away and lock him in the main stock.  Bring him back here this time next week."

Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock looked through his papers and said "Clerk of the court, next case please..."

[Calico Jack]

A seven-year-old cabin boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his Father ship captain The Black Spot and the judge Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock initially awarded custody to the boy's Uncle Dave L, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the maximum degree possible.

The cabin boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his Uncle Dave L beat him more than his Father and he adamantly refused to live with him.

When the judge Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock then suggested that he live with his godfather Black Bart, the boy cried out that he also beat him viciously.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them as is common within the pirate fraternity; the judge Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRRR I move that Calicaloooloooo Jack be strung up for tellin corny jokes on a Wednesday in a built up area!

[Griffin NoName]

I move that Calicoco Jack inform the court the country through which the widest part of the river Euphlaminidiot flows. If appen e can't then chuck im to the fishes.

[DaveL]

Oi didn't beats 'im yer honour.

Oi was just explanin' ot the lads how to defend yerself durin' a sea raid. The cabin boy, bein a helpful lad volunteered to be part of the demonstration.

[Black Bart]

Oh Crikey Dave...don't mention Cabin Boys again or we'll all be in the dock!!!!!!

[Calico Jack]

There was a hushed anticipation in court as Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock, sat in his seat.  Rumours were rife that a big name was going to stand trial.

Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock shuffled his papers and banged his gaval. "The Scurvy Disciplinary Board calls" and after an audible gulp "Beagle" he said.

A gasp of astonishment came from the public gallery if anyone was above the law it was Beagle. Beagle was dragged cursing and spitting into court and taken into the dock where he was chained to the railings.

Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock banged his gaval "Silence he boomed. Mr Prosecutor please read out the charges."

Another gasp came from the gallery as Pirate Cap'n and part time barrister Calico Jack stood up and said.

"Desertion me lord, not just once mind but twice..."

[Black Bart]

AAARRRGGGH...Can we adds:
'Bein a clever bastid' to the charges m'lord?
The blaggard posted a Steely Dan song in the Lyrics thread before I could get thar and he knows every single Pink Floyd lyric, which aint sayin much granted...

[Griffin NoName]

Aye, said Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock, that we can. Meanwhile, as Beagle seems to have done another runner (add it to the charges Mr Clerk), we'll be hearing another case.

There was a rustling from the crowd and a few cheers when Treadmill, stripped of his titles and bare-footed, bare-headed, bare-eyed, and white as a sheet (Halloween not being far off) was frogmarched into the dock.

Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock looked down his very long nose at Treadmill and said "You stand accused on a very serious charge. It has been brought to the court's attention that you have libelled one Black Bart claiming him of self-timing exposures. What have you got to say for yourself for starting such viscious rumours about a few holiday snaps?

[Black Bart]

Would it please the court yer honour to point out that I often take my holidays at the Cloning Facility or at The Fish Head Stew Factory...tis a most agreeable place to relax and count me dub...er, write me memoirs!

[Griffin NoName]

H'Announcement

The Board is to send representatives to Southampton today to follow up leads in the Portsmouth Poisoning case.

Last month in Portsmouth, Cap'n LillyLiver was found dead, apparently poisoned, at The Admiral Benbow. Traces of the poison were found at several addresses, including Madam Fifi's. Cap'n LillyLiver had been investigating a group of Pirates, the Four Scurvy Bustards (FSB) known to have been hiding out in Southampton. The mystery deepened yesterday when traces of the same poison were discovered in Cap'n ScurvyScum's teapot. Cap'n ScurvyScum had previously informed The Board that he and Cap'n LillyLiver had been intercepting parrots fleeing the FSB.

Developments in the case indicate the Board may meet strong resistance from the Southampton Pirates even though one of the visiting Board members will be none other than PC Bobby Defenderson who is known for his people skills.

Anyone having any information relating to this case is encouraged to report to the Board and spill their guts.

[Black Bart]

YYYYAAARRRR...I blames the parents!

Oh...sorry... be this not about me cabin boy's ASBO?

[beagle]

I would's like to answer the charges wot some scurrolous varmints 'as laid against me. Me defence rests on several key facts:

I wasn't there.
I didn't do it.
I won'ts do it again.
I 'as an alibi for whatever time and date the alleged offence occurred.
It was a case of mistaken identity. How could the varmint have possibly recognised me at 100 yards distance in the dark and fog with blood in his eyes after I'd^H^H^H someone 'ad shot him. Especially as it wasn't me and I wasn't there. Wherever it was. In fact I've never been there.

Can I go now?

P.S. I's not a clever barstid either; it's just I can work Google and the ship's cat is a big Steely Dan fan.

[Griffin NoName]

Despite and Notwithstanding Beagle's claims, Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock after many days lengthy consideration, sentenced him to nine years peg leg whittling.

Forewith, Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock swiftly announced the next case.

Call Black Bart to the stand. The alledged crime is the telling of clapped out old jokes especially Big Breaths.

Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock thighed heavily. Call the first witness, Big Ron.

[Black Bart]

There was a terrific farting noise and the doors to the court blew off their hinges...

Clamping his nostrils tightly, Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock gasped and bellowed:

NO, NO, NO...belay that order, call another witness...any witness other than Big Ron...choke splutter!

[Griffin NoName]

But no other witnesses could be found. There was not a single soul in the whole of Portsmouth that'd admit they'd ever read such a bad joke.

Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock declared "This reflects badly on the character of Black Bart. Despatch the prisoner to er um er um er Jupiter at first light. And be swift about it."

[DaveL]

The judge then proceeded with Big Ron as a witness.

'Big Ron, please inform the court of your testimony...um, just to qualify, can you make that verbally and 'not other'.

[Griffin NoName]

Big Ron: Well me lud, Oi can still smell that joke even though ye sent Black Bart to Jupiter. An it smells bad, as bad as a joke can be, even worse than.....

[Bluenose]

a bucket o prawns in the sun, err, the secret ingredient o' me extra spicy sausages.  Cor, ye nearly 'ad me there me lord, I nearly revealed the secret o' 'w I came ter be known as...

[Black Bart]

...never mind that ye heartless blaggards...I be about to become the first pirate in space!!!!!

[The Black Spot]

... the patron saint of Andrex." Ron attempted a humble little cough, but instead produced a window rattling blast from his nether regions.

"yes, yes," gasped Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock. "But what about these appalling jokes?"

"Well m'Lud, I was delivering a hundredweight of my special deluxe gristle pies to Bart's ship, when I saw him composing one of his posts. As he was writing, he kept referring to a book."

"Did you see what this book was?" asked Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock.

"Yes m'Lud. It was entitled "Ken Dodd's Tattifilarious Book of Fun"."

A shocked silence fell over the court. "Ye gods!" said Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock. "I've heard legends about that hellish book. It's said that a copy is kept in the vaults of the British Museum, but I didn't think that there any in private hands! That book has been banned for almost a century!"

"Aye, and the jokes were old then," said Ron.

"And that monster has been recycling the jokes of Dodd," said Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock in a hushed tone. "Lord knows what terrors he has unleashed..."

[Black Bart]

I protest your honour...

I came accross this book at Portsmouth Market...it were in a job lot with 'The Des O Connor book of mirth and music', 'The Arthur Askey book of Music Hall and The Crackerjack annual of 1968...

look there's a great joke on page 23 of the Crackerjack Annual when Peter Glaze sais to Lesley Crowther...

[The Black Spot]

..."It's nice out."

To which Leslie Crowther replied...

[Sibling Chatty]

"It's nice in, too, so try a little harder."

[sfx: rimshot]...

[Griffin NoName]

"Order in Court, Order in Court" screamed Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock banging his little gavel in a frenzied attack on his bench. The bench fell into a thousand pieces with a terrible thundering noise. Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock fell to the floor, buried in a heap of broken wood.

[Black Bart]

There were mutterings from the assembled court room folk/pirates: "Attackin the Queen's bench...YYYAARRRR, that be a hangin offence!

[Griffin NoName]

The court re-assembled. The bench re-assembled. The next case was announced.

The Good People of Portsmouth v. The Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus - all the news that's unfit to print

Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock raised his monicle and gibbered and spluttered as he glanced through the latest edition.

Ye Gads!! It is Unfit To Print !! he exclaimed. Call The Proprietor to the witness stand.

[Black Bart]

Now no one in their tiny right mind is goin to admit to that one!!!!

[Griffin NoName]

The collapse of the previous case has left the court without a Judge.

A new appointment is sought to hear an urgent case: The terrible case of the Pirates Raiding Party Success.

All Pirates are on trial for their lives. Will suitably qualified Judges approach the bench where Madam Fifi, Big Ron and Big Bovver are selecting the short list of candidates.

[Bluenose]

Yarrr!

That be the way, Oi culd yuse sum target practiss.  Oi'll go get me favourite cannon an' 'ave it 'nstalled in the courthouse right away!

Cap'n Bluenose

[DaveL]

Bleedin' Scumbags all ofs 'em 

They should be hung for even contemplatin' restoring the old Playbilge. That magazine was downright smutty!

[anthrobabe]

Bleedin' Scumbags all ofs 'em 

They should be hung for even contemplatin' restoring the old Playbilge. That magazine was downright smutty!

avin appeared in that foin magazine meself I do object to it bein termed smutty!

Oh and I be glad to help the judge( when one is appointed) in and out of his offishial robes and such-- and no one of ye put any thing dirty or naughty ot o ye minds into that statement---judgin being hard work an all and all those offichial robes and such must make for tirin out,  I ust feel it is me duty to help out where and when I can-- seein as I'm not qwalified to be a juge meself.

sincerely
Saucy Gert Pettigrew

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Bleedin' Scumbags all ofs 'em 

They should be hung for even contemplatin' restoring the old Playbilge. That magazine was downright smutty!

ARRR! ye be black Spot on dere Davey ! That wuz an ornery bit of carnage it be , we , I meens they shunt do that sorta' thin.