Ask Aunty Black Robe

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

Dear Aunty Blacklove.

I think I'm in love. I've been havin' a dream about one o' Mme Fifi's lasss for a week now. I just can't get t' young lady out o' me head.

Is thar a cure? I don't want t' be seen by me crew as a softie.

Best regards Captain Grog Cupid

[Black Bart]

Dear Capn Grog Cupid

Tis a mistake to loose yer heart to a lady o the night...it be far too expensive for one thing.  My advice would be to hang around the entrance to Pirgella's Evening cookery classes where ye might meet a nice young wench on her way back from learnin how to make the best stuffin. Then arter invitin her round for Sunday Lunch ye can quite likely say: "That's the best stuffin I've ever had!"

[The Black Spot]

Dear Auntie Black Robe

November the Fifth be approachin' an me crew are getting all excited. They's bin makin' fireworks an collecting driftwood to make a big bonfire. They's also made a big effigy o' Guy Fawkes to burn on the fire. I said to the swabs "Arrr, yer Guy looks a bit wrong to me." an' they all said "No,no,no, Captain. It's absolutely perfect for the bonfire."

I'm not sure though - did Guy Fawkes really have a pegleg, hook, eyepatch and a parrot? And did 'ee really wear a captain's hat?

Yours

Cap'n Howie

[Griffin NoName]

Yaaarr!! Cap'n Howie,

That be a variant on the old Fawke Andles mix up. Tell yer crew to look that up on Google. That'll sort em owt.

Yours

Cap'n Lord Count Treadmill-Wick

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRR... By the toim his illiterate crew ave learned how to use Google, Capn Howie'l be burned to a crisp!

Still twill be a nice display to watch, I'll sort out the baked potatoes and the sparklers.

[DaveL]

Dear Aunty Black Robe,

There is a very rude butcher, who keeps talking about sausages all the time. Please tell him to stop at once!!

Yours prudisihly,

Lord Albert Uppington Penning-Smythe IV

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Lord Albert Uppington Penning-Smythe IV

Oi thinks ye be a bit muddled loike. It be rude ter keep avin a butchers at someones sausages.

Not yours at all yer rude b!

Lord Cap'n Earl Cap'n Private Treadmill

[Sibling Chatty]

Dear Aunty BlackBottom,

Oi hev herd that thar be a goodly number o' Poirates here thet read quoite hesitantly. Do yer think Oi should write slower ter make it easyier fer them to read??

Capt. Willard "Gumby" Pokewhistle-Ponder Smythe

[DaveL]

Dear Capn Willard,

Knowin' the literacy skills of pirates, O'id say that the chance of a pirate bein able to read anything at all would be near zilch.

O'id be goin' for hieroglyphics or a talking book, as anything that involves connecting letters and sentences together will just throw 'em totally.

Koind Regards,
Aunty Blackboard

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

Dear Auntie Blackrum.
In t' past few days I've been "shoppin'" for beer and rum for t' Football Squad and in order t' brin' some o' it aft t' t' monastery, I forbid me crew t' drink any o' it. T' be a good captain, I haven't had any meself either.

But now me crew be becomin' very upset becuase o' t' lack o' alcohol and I fear a mutiny. Because o' t' lack o' alcohol in me blood, I'm too weak t' fight them on me own.

What shall I do?

Yours sincerely Captain Alcohol Boy the Alcoholic

[Black Bart]

Dear Capn Al

Ye be in big trouble thar.  Ye could try distractin yer crew with appropriate hentertainment such as dancin girls from the far flung islands of Thong or puttin on a nice cabarrrret!  Should ye not survive, the players o Piratica appreciates yer sarcrifice!

Yours Capn Thirsty

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Auntie BlackBill

Me frend Michael as bin elpin the perlice wiv ther enquiries. Oi be worryin Oi moight lose me title. Wot can I do ter keep it?

Lord Cap'n Lord Lord Lord Treadmill-Skint OBE

[DaveL]

Dear Lord Cap'n Lord Lord Lord Treadmill-Skint OBE,

There be too much emphasis placed upon titles these days. People only use them to cover up their own insecurities. So judging by the length of yours, O'id say you'd be near paranoid. O'id say you could afford to lose at least 3 of those Lord titles, and still hold yer own in His Majesty's court. Losin' yer double barreled surname wouldn't hurt either.

As you be as rich man though, O'im sure you can come to some...ermmm...understanding wif the authorities. Perhaps your friends testimony could go "missing".

Arrr...the power of the dubloon.

Kind Regards,

Aunty

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRRR...
Thar be nowt wrong wiv double barrel names just look at the loiks of:

Tara Palmer Thomkinson
Camilla Parker Bowles
Helena Bonnham Carter
Heather Mills McCartney...

AAAARGH I see what ye mean matey...what a bunch o landlubbers!

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Auntie Blackmail

Summat terribul as appened.

Yours

Treadmill.