Ask Aunty Black Robe

[The Black Spot]

Dear Auntie Blackrod

The other night I were dreaming that I were eating a big crusty meat pie.

The next morning I couldn't find me pet tortoise anywhere.

D'ye know where I can pick up a few more?

Yours,

Cap'n Birdseye

[anthrobabe]

Help me, me First Mate as run off with me wench. I really miss him, what shall I do?

Dear Calico Jack
sends 'im a free dinner pass for tha Admiral Benbow and be thare watin on 'im sos ye can explains fings to 'im and sos 'e sees how much ye needs 'im on tha ship. In addition I willa  be sure to keep 'is tankard full o our bestest ale!

Sincere like
Saucy Gert Pettigrew

[Sibling Chatty]

Dear Aunty Black Berry.

Me monkey wus pinched orf me shoulder at the footy turnamint las' season. Some o' them Hooligans (not OUR Hooligans, them bad 'uns) was mauradin' about bein' cheeky, and he just was thar one moment, gone the next.

My insewerants comp'ny, Lloyd's of Lleeds, chose to replace him wiv a "creature of equal or better value" and have give me a monkey that is of a much larger size. Oi'm not sure wha' kind he be, but he claims to ha' been raised near a cousin called KoKo. (Me second mate be deaf, an' he an me monkey be able to communicate quite smartly. The monkey ha' taught me 2nd mate sevral new werds.)

Oi'm wonderin' if Oi should just sign him up as a crew member an get meself a parrot. (He can raise the mains'l and brace the masts as fast by himself as me crew can do werkin togevver.) Me only uvver alternative is to build a large perch onto the shoulder of me jacket, as the little bloke be weighin' near 13 stone, an' shows no sign o' stoppin' soon.

Oi'm about to think them people at Lloyd's got me the wrong kind o' monkey...

So, dear Auntie, do Oi promote me monkey to crewman an' git me a parrot, er shuld Oi keep the littul feller on me shoulder as long as Oi can still stand up??

Most Sincelery,
Cap'n Mortland Pendergrass Smythe-Smith John

[Aphos]

Cap'n Mortland...

Seein' as how your monkey's pers'nal hygiene is likely better 'an your crews', and can prob'ly count higher, I says make him a full member o' the crew.  And see if'n he will take his loot in bananas.

[Bluenose]

Dear Cap'n Mortland,

Cood Oi get th name o the place wot you got yer monkey from, Oi'd loike ter get wun jest loike im coz 'e sounds loike 'e wud be much better than me curr'nt crewe.  Reckon e'd be cheaper to feed too.

Cap'n Bluenose

[Black Bart]

Dear Antie Black Adder

All this talk of monkeys as made me
yearn for some o those great shanties o the 60s:

Last ship to Clarkesville.
I'm a Buccaneer believer etc etc

It also reminds me o the time I swapped me hentire crew for a bunch o monkeys...it worked out well, but that be a story for 'Far fetched annecdotes o the sea' if ever it returns.

[Aggie]

Dear Antie Black Adder

All this talk of monkeys as made me
yearn for some o those great shanties o the 60s:

Last ship to Clarkesville.
I'm a Buccaneer believer etc etc

Ye'll be off to Davy Jones' locker if ye keep up with that rot around 'ere!

[Black Bart]

Dear Auntie Black Robe

Can ye clarify somehtin what's buggin me.  Is Davy Jones a horrible tentacled monster what lives in the deep or is he that English bloke from 'The Monkeys' what wouldn't harm a cabin boy?

Yours Capn Jack Sparrow

[goat starer]

Dear Captain Black Sparrow,

whilst I believe your question betrays deep seated emotional issues I can provide you with a simple answer. Google it, hit I'm feeling lucky and go with that! I even went so far as to do it for you....

http://www.davyjones.net/

and it is indeed the guy from the Monkees.

yours

auntie black robe

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRR he be lookin good for someone what lives under water!

Dear Auntie Black Robe

I has met a gorgious young lady in the Indies what wants to marry me. However I has some reservations and need yer fine dependable advice.  We wents to see the bishop to harrange the ceremony and he looked at us very stern like and said, "sex before marriage is wicked"...himagine my shock when the young lady sais: "Yes, and it's brilliant after marriage aswell!"
I thinks the young wench be a bit flighty...should I go ahead with the match or not?

[anthrobabe]

Dear Bart,

As to ye wench prolem

Practice makes perfect
have fun

[DaveL]

Der Auntie Black Robe,

Yesterday Oi saw an ole adversary of mine...Capn Hossenfeffer. He was extremely upset that he was written out of the Continuous Salty Tale.

Oi tolds 'im that he was an 'old hat pirate' and that Big Ron was far more interesting. Then he started cryin'...

Oi tolds him that he just wasn't innuendoey enuff for us blaggards.

Can yer give Capn Hossenfeffer some advice on becomin' a modern day pirate?

Koind Regards,

Capn 'orrible Bastid (wears Prada)

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Worried in the Indies

Beware!! Remember what happened to Mr Rochester. Why not hang on a while until you find a nice English governess?

Lord Cap'n Earl Count Treadmill-Bronte

[Black Bart]

Dear Bart,

As to ye wench prolem

Practice makes perfect
have fun

YYYAAARRRR...I've had plenty o time to practise durin me long voyages...it be toim fer the real thing!

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Bart, Oi thinks O'ill let that one go through to the keeper (or short stop).