Ask Aunty Black Robe

[Aggie]

Better yet, write DECEASED and a (non-earthly) forwarding address!

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Dear Aunty Black Robe,

               Upon my retirement from the navy i invited the ships cat Topper(not his real name) to reside with me since he had not set aside enough catnip and kibble for his golden years.

We get along famously, however ,the life of a landlubber is quite foriegn to him and sometimes I find him stumbling and tipping over when it rains as if compensating for the roll  of a ship.
I find it quite amusing and he is beginning to adjust.

But I cannot get him out of the house ,do you think it is because he feels the other cats would mock him for his pegleg and eyepatch.

Yours truly, Concerned About Topper

[DaveL]

Dear C.A.T.

Havin' a feline friend is indeed a pur-rrfect past time. Your moggy be your friend for life. Always eager for a pat, a saucer of milk and a warm lap to curl up and fall asleep on.

99.9% of all cats are OK in my book. That is unless he's called Tiddles to which the term 'evil, stinking mutineering, backstabbing varmint' will apply. DAMN YOU TIDDLES!

Erm sorry, where was Oi..,oh yes Topper.

Anyways, Topper may require a good debriefing session from his seafaring years wif a shrink. This may be difficult, as modern psychotherapy is still about 300 years off being invented.

So you may have to employ more contemporary methods from the 1700's such as:

1) Grabbing Topper's tail and givin it a good tug;
2) Drainin' all his blood out and chanting strange noises;
3) Calling the cat exorcist round to expel the seafarin' spirits away;
4) All of the above (recommended)

Before you know it, Topper will be the biggest landlubbin puss in Portsmouth. Next he'll be givin Big Ron a run for his money in his mercantile pursuits.

Best of luck and koind regards,

Aunty Black Meow

PS You can contact a very good psychotherapist down at the Portsmouth dock. He be the same bloke who fixed the Purple Avenger up. YArr!

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Dere Annie Backrubs, AHHHH GAGAGAGA!

  Eyes resently sewed a gross o' canned  spinach to Saucy Gert on ARR-bay.It wuz of da highest qualitee AHHH GAGAGAGA!

Butz shes be besmirching me gud name since it dint come wiff an opener. AHHH GAGAGAGA>

Butz the cans got all la vitamins and minerals loikes I sez in dere advertisemint.

Nows she bin tellin all la strippers 'bout me bin a cad ana rake , Eyes neffer gardened in me hole life.

Nows me dear Olives wount speack to me.

Me freen Wimpy be returnin all da hambergers I loan'd him on friday!

Sweet peas bin reel sour.

An' on toppa dat Saucy Gert be chasing me about the seven seas in a dingy...iffen eyes don't haves enuff trouble wiff Bluto!

Wots an' honest sailor ta do???


Yeres with much bewildermint ,  Popeye the Sailor

AHHH GAGAGAGA!

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Popeye

Call her bluff !  Whenever she hoves into sight, yell "BLUFF" at her. She's a ninny if she sets sail without a can opener. What would she do if she got stuck in the can?

As to your friends. Who needs friends you can't rely on in a crisis? Join Pirates Anonymous and find a new lot.

Yours

Auntie BlackEyes

[Black Bart]

Dear Auntie Blackwotsit

I has joined 'Pirates Anonymous' and it baint be doin me no good loik.  Their office be situated right next to the Naval Dockyard, and whenever I tries ta get in there be loads o the King's men outside askin "Are ye a pirate?"  So I has ta pretend I aint a pirate by dressin in a smock an carryin a piggy wiggy and pretendin ta be a farmer.  Then when I gets inside and I sais:

"I am Black Bart and I is a Pirate", everybody just bursts out laughin!

Yours,

Capn Wurzel

[The Black Spot]

So I has ta pretend I aint a pirate by dressin in a smock an carryin a piggy wiggy and pretendin ta be a farmer.  Then when I gets inside and I sais:

"I am Black Bart and I is a Pirate", everybody just bursts out laughin!

Aye, I remembers that night. We were laughin' 'cos we thought that the pig were a ventriloquist.

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Dear Auny Blackrube ,

     I want experience the BIG POND ! I would like a position on a pirtae ship.

The problem is that I walk like , talk like , and do pretty much everything , like a duck .

Do you think I could fool them into thinking I'm a parrot ?

Whats the trick to talking by the way ? I  almost have my physicians name spot on .

Maybe I could find a spot in the crows nest ?


Yours Truly , Gilbert

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Midair Anti BlackRobe ,

                             YARR! I jus be back frum a long voiyage ...a cuppel muntz into et hARR! be groan on me roite han .

I dont mine thee hARR! so much ,  but it don't match me leff han .

Wot shud I do ?

  Sinsurly , Seaman Stanes

[Black Bart]

Dear Auntie Blackrobe

If dem raidin party pirates return we be needin a moighty big bath fer the lot o the sweaty blaggards...moight a sheep dip be best?

[Griffin NoName]

Dear BB

Moighty big baths be the least of it. We will be demanding blood tests.

Yours

Auntie B

[Aggie]

Aye, Oi remembers well that some o' the parts the lads be raiding in be known for propagating foot-in-mouth disease!

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Me Deer Anteuppa Black Robe ,

       We dun set sail , me gran'pappy an me , doan to Nassau Town we did roam .

But da Sheriff Johnathun Wilberforce Percial Wickentingdonhamshirefordvillerockanstone IV

He woodint leff me alones .

I feel so broke up.

I wanna go home .


   yers ...... John B.

[Bruder Cuzzen]

 Me Deer Annie Bleck Rub ,

                           Uhh be in puzzelmint bowt sum dem Fence Pirits .

  Uh wuz havin grog wid dem en got loss lookin fer da 'ead , anyhows uh herd a bunch dem goin on bowt da john bin dark .
  I hadda go fine a buckit !

I was wee barrassed en all bowt it , but uh cud toss the buckit o'er en nun wiser , it be butter dan peed all awares .

Wuz uh wong Annie ?

[Bluenose]

Dear Captain Cuzzen,

It is apparaent that you have contracted a very nasty case of E-Raser-itis.  The only known cure is to take five bottles of Captain;s Delight XO every day for a month and then wait until you feel better.

Auntie Black Rum