Ask Aunty Black Robe

[The Black Spot]

Dear Cap'n Throw etc.

Throw this nutty scurvy ridden mad bastid over the side at once!

As ye can see from the post above, ee's now pretendin' ee's a ships doctor.

Auntie

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Dire Annie Back Rub,

Eyes jess got me nuu pegleg , hows duz eyes keep dur woims furm etten up dis won?

[Griffin NoName]

Dear BC

Eet der werms foirst yersel.

Yours

Auntie Black Widow

[Bruder Cuzzen]

My Dear Auntie Black Robe,

In the midst of my recent shopping trip to the Orient I stopped to break fast and found myself signed aboard a pirate vessel.

The fashions on board are simply hideous!

How do I tell them without injury to their sensiblities.

[Sibling Chatty]

Dear Connor-sewre of Foine Cuisine,

Pick up a few tins of the "Fish Head Stewe" they've been serving you and point out that the ingredients label is written in an unknown language, so as to not have to list only non-food items. Then clunk the Cap'n on the head with the tins and mutiny!!

Auntie Rabble-Rouser

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Dyer Ann E. Beckrib'

Wiles uh leeve tuh cee me ole Mum ,dee loco Preezt envitz me umbel self tuh suppuh.

Wells i sez yah, been reel ungree  enprezt loik i waz tuh meet so zi et tee.

Me mum sez tuh brang uh holstez pezint.
"Watz ez i tuh brang ",i sez .

"Tells me morr abouts dis envadayshun", she sez.


Wells i tole er 'an nouh she sez uh shunt go.

      ........

I tole me Mum,' well Mum! the loco Preetz sez hez soo fahmusht an' affer he dun widda ulta boiz he wantz me fuh dezurt in duh Wrektor Ree.

Wut shud uh do?
I wantz tuh cee sum famuhst shipwrekz.
But me Mum sez, nah!
   Yurs trulee,'Blood' Elias Stanes ,Ableseamen HMS Comet

[The Black Spot]

Dear "Blood"

the first thing ye should do be to take some electrocution lessons. Yer accent be makin' me eye water.

As to yer priest problem: take 'im a bottle o' Captain's Delight as a present, an' open it straight away. It has a decent sized cork in it.

Yours

Auntie

[Black Bart]

Dear Auntie

I must confess ta leadin a double loif.  By day I be an honest office worker, but by night I turns into a fierce scurvy pirate!  The trouble be, a bit loik Jekyl and Hyde me two lives be blurrin.  T'other day I ran through a colleague's lunch apple with a plastic cutlass and ran off with it shoutin: 'Yarrrrr Booty!'.  It be true he were on holiday at the toim and was unable to defend his fruity hord...but I be worried about the future...where will it all end?  Will he come back and demand the return of his apple (which to be quite honest weren't a very noice apple anyway)?  Will I descend into a life of pillagin and mayhem?  Any suggestions Ye great Scurvy Wench?

Sorry about that last bit...

Yours Capn Tea Boy

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Cap'n T Bar

Ye seem to av problems wiv the piratin side o yer personality since yer wuldnt be able ter eat an apple anyways.

Oi sergest sum positive affirmations.

Start with: Me teef be rottin stumps

Say it over an over fer 15 minutes a night.

We can try others once yer get the hang o that wun.

Yours

Auntie Black Magic

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Deer Anti Black Robes,

My son "Bloody" (not hes reel name) insists apon goin to the preests ball.

Goin ta have et in the rectory he sez.

I don't no 'bout dem preests affer wots i red inna penny dreadfuls.

Bloody be a regular pirate an all . Butz i be afraid sumfing bad befall em.

Do you thing sumfing evil gonna get 'em in the end?

[Bluenose]

Dear no-name-supplied,

Get your son a pair of cast iron under britches.  That way nothing evil will get him in the end.

Auntie Black Bottom

[Black Bart]

Dear no name

As yer bruvver tried bein a Cabin Boy?

Obvious suggestion really!

Yours

Auntie Black and Blue Bottom

[Bruder Cuzzen]

My dear Aunty Black Robe,
     
  Over two decades ago  wilst in a state of youthful naive curiousity i foolishly sought enquiry into a free publication from a commodore L.Ron Hubbard.
  I did nay realize at that time said M.Hubbard did not receive such rank ,in fact further enquiry to his status reveiled he did not nary receive a commision as ensign!
  Now i find myself receiving the unending entreaties to purchase all manner of (in my opinion)useless materials from his office.
  My problem is thus:How do I put to an end to this torrent of wasteful and unwelcome correspondance landing upon the threshold of my humble abode?
  I have returned a veritable sack of material back without breaking the seals with polite (and now very rude)replies to ceast and desist yet it seems my plees have been ignored.
Must I seek consul from a barrister?
Can you help me? They are causing me much ire and destraction.

   Desparately yours, Sick of scientologists.

[DaveL]

Dear SoS,

O'id be tellin' Mr Hubbard that his Mrs 'Old Mother Hubbard' still doesn't have any bones in her cupboard to give her poor doggie, and get his act together domestically.

If he were serious about lookin after his Missus, O'id be tellin him to give all that Xenu Volcano stuff 'a big miss' and get a real job.

Barring that, Oi know a couple of lads at the Portsmouth dock who can assist for a small fee. Slip 'em an extra dubloon and they'll pay Xenu a visit an' get that E Meter reinserted in a place 'where the sun don't shine'.

If yer need any references for their handy werke, just ask the Purple Avenger (if yer can find him).

Their semaphore number be 1800-BLACKSPOT.

Koind Regards,

Aunty Black L. Ron

[Sibling Chatty]

Dear SoS,

Write DECEASED, no forwarding address on all of it and send it back.

Auntie Black-Bordered Envelope