Ask Aunty Black Robe

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Auntie Black Hood

Ther be a terruble risk of mistekin identity. Wot wiv everyone bein idden by their long robes (witch be a right pain wen tryin to run a ship Oi can tell yer an wot wiv them gettin rapped round me peg leg).

Some scruvy scum be thinkin that Mr Opus Day be none ovver than Opsanus Tau oo be often known as Opus. Oi dunno as ow it might be intentional identity theft, but it Oi can smell truble.

Yours confidentially

Lord Cap'n Earl Cap'n Lordy Lordy Treadmill (Portsmouth Passport Office)

[Sibling Chatty]

Opus Day?? Of Opus Day an' the Knights??

Yaaaargh, they be me fav'rit musical conglomeration...

Sincerely,
Bloody Bertram Benderhatcher, MPE, DDS (Mrs.)

[Aphos]

If we consider the diet of vegetarians, can we conclude that cannibals are humanitarians?

[DaveL]

Dear Aunty Black Robe,

Followin' a recent delivery of carrots to a 'Mr B. Bunny' one of me crew members skin started to turn orange.

O'im afraid he got stuck into the carrot cargo and now he's complainin' that he can see all'goings on' in the dark. He keeps asking 'Whats up with Doc' or sumthin' silly.

As me crew be very private in all their dealin's, O'im afraid he may see a few things he's not supposed to see.

Would it be best if Oi give 'im two eye patches until the carrots wear off?

Yours Sincerely,

Capn Beta Carotene

[The Black Spot]

Dear Cap'n Carotene

Ye must get rid o' this blaggard at once afore 'ee disrupts the whole ship.

I suggests ye get a wifle and cweep up on 'im vewy, vewy, quietly.

Yours

Cap'n Fudd

[Bluenose]

Yarr, Cap'n Fudd be given yer good advice there, but make sure it's wabbit season.

Cap'n Daffy

[Aggie]

Cap'n Carotene....

Tell the blaggart to shut 'is gob, as Doc's on the lam.  Letters, bags o' doubloons and the loike can be forwarded 'ere:

Doc Otis c/o Sibling Agujjim
Toadfish Monastery
North Portsmouth

[Sibling Chatty]

Yarr, Cap'n Fudd be given yer good advice there, but make sure it's wabbit season.

Cap'n Daffy

Yarrrr, but it be Duck Season...

[Aphos]

Auntie...

Me crew and Oi made a big haul.  We captured a ship owned by someone named Brach.  It were full o' crates and crates o' gold doubloons.

Me crew stacked 'em on the deck in da hot sun, and now me ship is covered in melted chocolate and little pieces of foil.

What do I do?

Cap'n Confuddled

[The Black Spot]

Dear Cap'n Confuddled,

ye be in a bit o' a fix here. Ship's rats be very partial t' chocolate.I suggests ye get a few more cats aboard before the rats take over. I kin suggest a place where ye might obtain a few fer free.

Yours

Officer Dibble

[Bluenose]

Yarr, be careful o' any o' them thar cats wot have glow in the dark red eyes.  Cap'n DaveL had a bit o' trubble wi' one o' they ones a while back...

An anonymouse friend

[DaveL]

YArrrr...O'id better explain Tiddles the Cat to Aunty Blackrobe.

Tiddles used to be me favourite bilge ratting ole puss. When Oi punished him for bein lazy, he turned all evils and devilish on me.

He ended up mutineerin'and takin over me ship. Now he sails the Meditereanean plunderin' merchant vessels for their wares.

Oi hears he may try to enter the Monastery...(yikes!)

[Sibling Chatty]

Yaaarrr, 'tis sad when yer own puss terns on yer...

Mebbe he jist become a Republican, and wi' get ovvur it arfter the next US elections.

[DaveL]

Dear Aunty Blackrobe,

Durin a recent naval exchange in the Indies. Oi found a very large canonball had lodged in me crewman's Bob's forehead.

At first me crew were terrified, but after a few days they got used Ole Bob's metallic disposition. 

Now they be makin up jokes abouts him like:

'Knock Knock...Whos there'...'Bob'...'Bob Who'
'Bob down or you'll get a canon ball stuck in yer head'

Or when someone gets a headache, they keep sayin'

'I've got a mighty 'Bob's head' comin on'

Can yer help me educate me crew about bein' a bit more sensitive to his unfortunate disposition?

Kind Regards,

Capn Paracetamol

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Cap'n Paracetamol

If Oi weres you Oi'd tell yer crew ter find anuvver ship. They sound mighty cruel ter me.

Best,

Lord Cap'n Earl Cap'n Lord Treadmill-Sackum von Oilywaters