Ask Aunty Black Robe

[DaveL]

Dear Siblings and Mateys,

Your Agony Aunt is now open for business in the Monastery. If you have any Piratical or Monastical concerns that need addressing by non-divine intervention, please ask. You may also pretend to be Aunty Black Robe and provide us with your infinite wisdom.

RAmen.

Let the Agony Begin!

[Sibling Lambicus the Toluous]

Dear Auntie Black Robe,

As a Toadfish, I try to be as tolerant as possible, but I'm having trouble in one area: I'm lactose intolerant.  Is there anything you can suggest to help me be more tolerant and understanding of my dairy-based foodfriends?

Sincerely,

Trying in Toronto

[Bluenose]

Dear Trying,

You cannot be held responsible for the merely physical properties of your body.  Try being spiritually tolerant of lactose, even as you avoid the unfortunate consequences of actually ingesting the stuff, by not eating any.

So long as you tolerate the existance of lactose, even its proximaty to yourself, good karma will flow.  No one said you have to eat it to tolerate it.

Aunty Black Toast.

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

Dear Aunty Black Robe

As a toadfish sibling, I strive to be tolerant of all forms of life, including those small 6-legged creatures that are currently inhabiting my kitchen.

There are many of these, and I have taken to giving them names.  There's George, Donald, Richard, Condie and their many, many siblings: George II, George III and so on.

My problem is this:  even though I'm trying to be tolerant, every time I see little George IV or George XIV scurrying for the dark corners, what I really want to do is squash'em with my foot - or worse, I want to introduce strong poisons and wipe out the lot of 'em.

What's a person to do?

[The Black Spot]

Dear Bob,

ye have to be true to yerself. Ye are hamstrung between yer humanity an' yer spiritual self. The moral side o' ye thinks that all things should live, while yer spiritual side recognises that ye'll be doin' em a favour by crushin them under yer boot (the varmints will be re-incarnated as something better).

I often had the same dilemma when raidin' a merchant ship.

Well, I be sure the merchants be much happier as goats or badgers or something.

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Auntie Black Robe

Oi be shocked ter ear thet somefolk be impersonatin ye. Can this be true?

In fact, Oi erd a lot of rumers abowt a lot of fings but most be unmentionable.

Anuver fing Oi erd was that ther Black Bart bin an ran off wiv all the cutlasses everyone as bin leavin at the door of the Monastery an no one knows where e be hidin.

Oi be puttin bungs in me ears from now on.

Lord Cap'n Earl Field Marshall (Water Div) Treadmill Snr.

[ivor]

Now that is funny. I have the vapors!

[Sibling Chatty]

Dear Auntie Black Robe

Oi be shocked ter ear thet somefolk be impersonatin ye. Can this be true?

In fact, Oi erd a lot of rumers abowt a lot of fings but most be unmentionable.

Anuver fing Oi erd was that ther Black Bart bin an ran off wiv all the cutlasses everyone as bin leavin at the door of the Monastery an no one knows where e be hidin.

Oi be puttin bungs in me ears from now on.

Lord Cap'n Earl Field Marshall (Water Div) Treadmill Snr.

Remember that Black Bart has been fitted wif the Pirate electronnicle watchin and trackin'  boot...an' that the constabulary of the arear is well aware of his darstarly ways. They's goin' ter git him a metermaid outfit, as he been spendin' so much time in the gutters...he can mark tyres while he's crawlin thru.

Bart woodn't take all them cutlasses. He learnd a long time ago to niver steal more that yer able ter carry.

[DaveL]

Dear Aunty Blackrobe,

YArrrr..

In me days with the Corsairs of Tunis, Oi wuz employed as a code breaker to decipher the Ottoman communications.

During a recent trip to a Museum in Paris, this Albino geezer in a monks robe started chasin me through the museum.

Ee said Oi 'had sumthin very valuable and ter hand it over. Oi barely escaped wiv me loife....Yarrrrr!

As Oi be a pirate monk. How should Oi's handle this varmint. Oi thinks is name was 'Mr Opus Day'

YArrrrrs sincerely

Capn MIDL

[Bluenose]

Dear Cap'n MIDL,

Oi be not wantin ter take Aunty Black Robe's place but even as a recent convert ter the ways o' th' Toadfish, it seems ter me that ye'd be foine takin the blaggards 'ead orf wiv yer cutlass so long as ye do it in a 'umble and respeckful way.

Cap'n One-Eye Nick

[The Black Spot]

Dear Cap'n MIDL

Cap'n Bluenose be right. I's heard o' this "Hopeless Dave" monk, an' ye can feel free to hack away at 'im. I hears he enjoys it.

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

Mr Opus also likes to whip 'imself stupid as an act of contrition.  He would 'ave loved being on my ship.  He could have saved me the trouble of regular crew floggins.

Maybe if Oi can makes 'im feel guilty enough, he'll flog 'imself to death.

YArrrrrr...

[Calico Jack]

Opus was asked to leave The Black Spot's ship as the floggings were not severe enough.  Last I heard Spot was using a Knout

[Sibling Lambicus the Toluous]

Dear Auntie,

No one said you have to eat it to tolerate it.

Aunty Black Toast.

Umm... really?  Wow.  Is my face ever red!

Do you know of any cannibal support groups?  Something along the lines of a "Human-anon"?

Sincerely,

Was Trying, Now Confused, In Toronto

[Sibling Zono (anon1mat0)]

Human-anon? I thought that as with the AA meetings the first thing you did was to say your name.

On the topic of tolerance and cannibalism, perhaps you should talk to the nice German chap that ate a very willing volunteer.

Personally as Human (and anon  ) the only form of cannibalism I support is metaphoric and with my significant other.