Further Adventures of a Pirate Chef

[Bruder Cuzzen]

         Chapter One :A Not So New Beginning

    "What was i just saying before that virus warning?",said Capt. Lance.

  "You were about to go on a satirical tirade about evil priests and the unspeakable actions commited by such",said a crewman.

"Yes,right...well after thinking about it a few days perhaps such a rant will be to risque or depressing,lets get back to nonsense".

The crew let out a huzzah as most hands wern't paying attention anyways.

We have been trying to get to Madgascar for the past seven months for some reason that i can't recall.

Lo and behold!! Madagascar rose on the horizon,as we approached i flipped a coin and it was decided we should pull up on the leaward side of the island.
As the rounded a bend we almost rammed another ship!

Holy Socks! Tis one of Black Barts fleet! The " Eat My Pantaloons" The Merry seaman of the Raging Queen were besides themselves with glee,these lads get lonely for fresh company in a hurry.

As seaman prepared to launch themselves at the vessel I peeked into my spyglass to see if Bart was aboard.Alas he was not to be seen ,Capt.Dave was maning the Pantaloons, I could him mouthing ,"Oh eff" something something.

FSM? Must be ,what else could it be?

My crew quickly swarmed Capt. Daves Pantaloons,loaded with scented soaps,combs,brushes,makeup,scissors,razors,aftershave,clean towels,shampoo (didn't have real poo just yet),silks and smartly wrapped packages.
I just grabbed some cooking utensils.

The pantaloons crew scambled about in a panic,eyes wide in horror.I could smell the fear, taste the salt of perspiration within the air.
What were they afraid of?They were getting presents.
I found that soapy warm water didn't hurt me none for wear.

Oh well, pirates are a noncomformist lot,none shall escape the seaman,the pantaloons men shall get wet.

The screams were deafening,tis pitiful to witness hardened pirates crying like that.The sounds of terror were hideous.I had to do something!
I found a soft candle to plug my ears.

After all that racket simmered down a notch I sought out Cap. Dave.

"Captain!,I must speak with Tony!He still commands the galley, yes!

ARRGH!,The scurry dog jumped ship in Narlins"

"New Orleans! Antionne's in New Orleans? Dang it all, I want his new lobster recipe."

"ARR",May the barnacles of a thousand whales infest his knickers!"

"Well Cap,the Raging Queen needs meat!Manly meat! Wadda ya wanta trade?

"Ye may pillage all ye want, pervioded ye cooks us food for a quest for a new cook",said Cap.Dave.

Agreed!A feast an' them some,let's have a boo inna hold.


   Join us next time as we Chapter two:A Boo Inna Hold

[Black Bart]

Chapter Two

(I swear this has been written by none other than Herman Melville and his trusty co-writer Moby Dick)

Ahoy Captain Quint be that a Great White ye has languishin in yer gunnels?

<terrible noise of nails being drawn down a blackboard>

Quint: Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin' ...I loiks to scrape me nails down blackboards and go swimmin with daft sharks.

Capn Dave: YYYAARRRR Quint ye be a proper hero and no mistake...but I heard ye ended up as a Great White's dinner!

Quint: Nay lad...I gave that tiddler indegestun and the fellar spat me out with most o his teeth!

Capn Dave: Well Rollickin Rollocks welcome aboard the 'Ragin Queen' ... we be bound fer Madagascar and The Ivory Coast...quickly followed by The Gold Coast, The Platinum Warf and the Silver sands!

Seaman Staines: Avast Capn...Pirates off the Port Bow!

Capn Dave: Actually I'd prefer to curtsy...Oh sorry, you mean the side of the ship...AAARRRGH, Pirates...We be done for...HELP!

Seaman: We also are Pirates Capn!

Capn Dave: Quint, show em your Big Shark that'l scare em off! We've got a vicious lookin Goldfish in the aquarium aswell...

Quint: Why don't we fire a warnin shot accross their bows Capn?

Capn Dave: We would if we had any cannon, we left them behind to make room for the Cat Walk!

Quint: YYYAARRR...Ye've had it mateys...twill be the Hornpipe fer the lot of us!

The terrible Black hulk of the enemy pirate ship bore down upon the hapless Raging Queen...

Will Capn Dave get out his best pink dress?

Will the Raging Queen be taken up the midships?

The answers to these and very few other questions in the next episode of...

Voyage of The Raging Queen

[Bruder Cuzzen]

  Seaman Stanes!!!

Why haven't i thought of that one.
Now i'm going to spend all day trying to cum up with ones.
You realize,of course, that Stanes belongs on the Raging Queen
I'm goin to Shanghai him.

I need appropriately named characters for my other ships as well.
Will most certainly appreciate such gems for the Queen and Goodness Sake,Pile o'Junk and the Naughty Navel.

 

[DaveL]

Will Capn Dave get out his best pink dress?

Will the Raging Queen be taken up the midships?

YArrrr...

Who'd like to know...shhhh...sorry...O'ive never...ummm...shutup Dave, shutup! O'ill just walk over here now...

[Bruder Cuzzen]

         CHAPTER THREE: ABOO INNA HOLD

We made our way below deck,leaving the crews to their sport.The crew of the Queen were engaging their counterparts in a game of "spoon tag",as they so named it.Any Pantaloonys  caught quickly placed hands to their backsides.An oddly named game as i cought not fathom how one would win such a game and no spoon were ever visible.
Mine eyes adjusted to the gloom of the hold, there were no Boos to be seen."Oh it's positively fithy down here !,exclaimed Lance," i'm going back up to tag the cabin boy!

Lance scurried away.

The hold was filled with crates and cages containing all manner of beasties,critters,fowl and varmints.

"These creatures be unknown to me Capn.Dave,would ye enlighten me?

"Arrgh! Tis beasts from the colonies,dem be bisons,dar be passengARRGH piggins an dem giant pingie wings be culled..AWKS!"

"Got any them Dodos?"
"Argh!We scoured the eyes land gur em an oinly foined dese two an' sum eigs.

I bellowed to my crew,"Hey fellas, lend a hand here,gots lots o' work to do if we're to eat at a reasonable hour!"

"Lance!,get off that cabin boy!."It was clear by the lads expression that this form of tag was disagreeable to him.
"That goes fur thee rest of yas as well!,Why doncha play dice or cards like other seamen!"

I decided to save the bison for another day and set upon the fowl instead,there shall be lots of new pillows and pens later to keep my crew occupied for a fortnight.

The awful offal of the fowl will make good fishing bait.I saved some liver and giblets for a pate the remainder was mixed with rice,onions,truffles and whatever spices we had to push up the business ends of the squabs.One of the passenger pigeons looked a bit sickly so i tossed it to the winds,he or she might find a spouse out here maybe,anyways i bet there's lots more from where they come from.

The sqaubs were then rubbed with salt and pepper after which i violated the Dodo with,which in turn outraged the giant Auk.Lots and lots of these fowl out there as well, a welcome change from chickens which are consumed in such quantity that i fear there wount be any left by the end of this century.

I then brushed the Auk with beaten dodo eggs and rolled it in a mixture of ten herbs and spices.
At half hour per pound dinner shall be ready sometime next tuesday.

Oh well,might as well set out the wine and chesse.

Being a bit lazy none went out for fresh water,after a few hours all woke up to greet tuesday and much food,ready to transformed into fertillizer.

........"AARGH! that wuz good chow'

"Thanks matey",we must get more of them birds sometime"

The remiander of the day was spent sampling sherrys and cigars from Hispanolia.

I pondered what we were going to with ourselves tomorrow.

Jion us next time at the " Debate"

[Bruder Cuzzen]

              ..................................

  "The meal you described sounds very agreeable to me sir",said Billy Budlight,late of Milwaukee."Would you ask Commodore Whistleblower fetch us some passengARRH pigeons,Dodos and AWK!s for supper tonight sir?

  "When will you stop calling me sir Billy!?"

"Begging your pardon sir,it wount happen agin,sir"!

"Uh......yeah....well,....Billy, my fine lad,I think it doubtful that we should find such fowl.They be native to the new colonies of America and we've been anchored here for almost a two years."

"And furthermore,I shant be preparing anything wilst in the brig now can I?"

"Oh no sir , the Commodore shall be releasing you tommorow sir,the officers have grown tired of burnt food sir and all the hair in their san witches ,an they be finding battered rats tails passed off as calamari!

I doubled over with laughter ,this serves them right,but they had no idea who they pressed into service as cook wilst I grew a beard down here.
The chef in my stead was no other than Pah Woi San Dem Boc Goot!,late of the 'Pile of Junk".

"Yes sir,the chef jumped ship an took a nother ten crew with him as well"

"How did he manage that Billy?

" While the Officers were vomitting this time they jus' loaded up the long boats and left!"

"Now the Commodore must leave for Portsmouth for replacements since the carpenters all left as well".

"this be exciting sir!, we may find eminnees for a battle sir!"

"Whaoo there Billy desire not for battle, that just leads to war!

"But I've never been inna battle before sir ,eveyone would be impressed if a had a tale to recount of honour and glory"


"Billy ,set yurself down a moment while I tell you of honour and glory."

[Bruder Cuzzen]

"Before I start Billy I must say that i didn't take an active part in any sea battles as I think it a waste of good food.But I must follow orders and as such the  cannon munitions inboards "The Goodness Sake" are made of the finest rotting ground meat I could steal from the vultures."

"The sauce cannons contain the most potent scotch bonnet I can get my hands on,I wear gauntlets to handle 'em of course."

"Now Billy ye wishes for honour and glory ,take another look at seaman Stanes or seaman Banks.I was in the some battles as they .They also wished to receive honour and glory ,instead of receiving, they gave."

"They gave an eye, a leg  ,an arm at the elbow, a foot and the chance for progeny."

"Ye thinks ye will be brave, Ye thinks it be easy to lob a key lime pie into another mans face ,to soil fine silks with grape shot."

"But thee truth be another matter,I've seen the horrors of a food fight and it not be pretty. The screams chill you to the bones Billy,I've seen large brutes sink to there knees when their new shoes get scuffed,when their fine shirts get hit with grape shot or worse still grape juice!"

"You've never seen the affects of pepper sauce or fresh minced onions hit a man in the eye just the patch afterwards."

"You don't know the fear of that only the battle hardened have of sour cream , rotten eggs ,spoiled milk , mayo ,fruit pits that gets in your hair stays in there and  stinks far into the ether."

"You have not witnessed the appauling injuries when men slip on banana peals, shortening or vegetable oils"

"But you don't have to believe me Billy, read these missives from my pirate mateys , Black Bart,Admiral DaveL ,Commodore WalkthePlank et al have something to say to you about their sea battles"

"Take your time to read these Billy, some are long some are short and to the point,some enjoy a good food fight some do not.In any case reconsider the thought of honour and glory.Why don't you take up chess instead?.

"Anyway this is what the pirates have to say to you and other youngsters like you.........

[Bruder Cuzzen]

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz *SnARRttttttttt......*.zzzzzz* pooufff*.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......zztt...*BLATTT!!!* " Whuuuu......arrrr....ahoy Billy 'ow is ye ? " , " I be well sir , here is your lemon pie . Lemon pie !!!!...I made a dash for the fridge Billy brought the tray of tender vittles within my reach ." thanks ta ye lad" ,  and I set to it....." Soze sir its been June 14th since the story about your first battle ...tell me some more please  " , said Billy ...." of course Billy , as soon as i get back from the fridge I can....

[Bruder Cuzzen]

....."Yarr Billy" , said I ," Bess avoid any battle  Billy ...whether it be fer loot or  other .

"But sir ... anything is better than wasting away into madness 'ere in the Dreaded Doldrums!, sir ."

" The Boredom in life tis better than the one in death Billy , soze lighten up man ."

" But thats me point!,  sir , we are almost owt of live critters and beasties  for sustenance ! Thee only water left is sea or bath water! There been nay the slightest of breeze for two moons ! ....No more fresh fruit or veggies , spices............"!

I'd rather face the Royal Navy than this ! , sir ".

Arrrrrrr .... Indeed we were somewhere in the South Pacific without any oars , although we could make some , i suppose , if we had to .There is still plenty of material for making rope and with any luck we make be able to hitch onto a whale or sea serpent to tow us somewhere other than here.
This rope making is a painstaking  , time consuming task..what with stripping off all the flowers and foliage firstly then smoking the biggest buds.
... splintering the stalks for strands and weaving, twisting and counter twisting and such for daze under clouds of smokedays on  into the nights.

Now we have come to this ...DESPERATION!...

The Captain cried owt ,  hoarse from grief and lack of a Shiraz ...he could not bring himself to drink the grog , much to my perplexitude wonderment since what orange guts ,( as well as the secrit ingreedant ) we could issue forth into the rum barrel has made for a loverly mix .
Since I had axedently dropped the tool into the barrel ( me secrit greedant)...I got to name the new grog a Screwdriver !

" Men ! , Craoked the Capn. ," We are in Dire Straights ... only a miracle will save us from lung cancer or dehydration !"

The crew of the Queen began to weep and cry owt to Po' Cy Dan Neptune  and their moms.

"Lads...We must pray for the Fabled Iceberg of the Long lost Pirate Monks to save us !...I can't stand anymore cocktails without ice !"

With a huzzah the lads set to praying wilst franticly fanning and blowing at the sails ...I climbed to Gilbert's nest...he was the last bird aboard ship and the tastiest...we lined the nest with his pink feathers... in his honour.

I miss Gilly and would love to braise him again... with more cloves if I could. It is with hindsight that i see how handy he would be up here with those sharp eyes of his....we could have tyed a rope to him and have him tow us to the Iceberg (if such a legend be true).

I scanned the vastness of the seas with an image of ice chunks , a cool drink be Nectar of Ye Gods roight abowt now as  Apollo trys to cook us all ....


  Join the poor bastids soon to be bonemeal lads as they attempt to raid and board other threads for insprayshun idears .

[Bruder Cuzzen]

  Cooks Log : 7.6.71

We are now a day into our desperation and our situation is growing ever worse ...We had to throw the bath water into the last of the rum to make a new batch of grog...so far we have not been any sicker than normal...I'll address that situation at supper after poor ole Toby is done...Oh woe and stuff...Toby was a good gunner...

[Bruder Cuzzen]

 Cooks log : 7.6.74

Jimmie just finished dying , he was warned not to trust Toby's green bits but he was famished... the poor sod ...at least I wount have to worry about tonites supper ...Jim lad being fresh an all...we have stopped peeing and crying and sweating to stretch our grog ....and dream of mugs of ice water....

[nefyuBB]

OOOOOOOOO
NOOOOOOOOOOO !

Heer dwagin have sum wadermilin blud !

i rite da wessypee fer yah

furst i go pillij
doan go way.
hokay?

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Cooks log : 7.6.98

" WE ARRRRR SAVED ! " , shouted thee remaining crew . Apparently we had a stowaway with an abundance of watermelon juice !

"  Nefyoo , this is surely nectarr of thee gods ! I must have thee recipe ! Tuppence for a sip is a barrgain "

Thus refreshed , thee crew celebrated with copious amounts of grog .
We are hoping that by sailing with thee wind and using sails we could get moving again .
In gratitude , we agreed to get Nefyu home for his concert performance and headed out , that way.

He has promised thee crew a sample of his shanties .
We eagerly await .

[anthrobabe]

More watermelon juice (blud) PLEASE!

[nefyuBB]

HOKAY !
heer iz tha lass ove tha wadermillin blud
now i go mak sum mango blud
et wull b mussy flayin tha mangos
an mushin tha gutz
dis wull b harrrd werk!
i wull go ta tha wushwum furst
so doan way
i kum bak an mak ya fwesh mango blud !
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr