PLAYBILGE - FUNNY PHOTO CONTEST

[Sibling Chatty]

Big Ron and The Incredible Wind Band, Live at The Scurvy Rex Stadium

The crowd knew they were in trouble when Big Ron went for the matches...

Miss Louisabelle Renae, third door to th' right 2nd floor at Mme. Fifi's was very enchanted by this 'ere entry. she sed it remoinded 'er of th' toime she werkd as a chef's assistant at th' Admiral Benbow, but not enuf smoke. 'Owever, the compysitsun ov the pease was "balanced and drew the eye to the inevitable stunned onlooker." Whutevvur that means.

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Mr B Spot

Judge Tau and I have discussed the small problem that has arisen with one of the other Judge's whose identity, you will understand, I cannot reveal (but if yer can slip unnoticed into Portsmouth School Mafs class ye might get sum help there in ther Logic and Countin lessons).

We decided that we very much want to put your mind at rest and reduce the pressure on you at a time when you must be already struggling with strong and uncontrollable feelins over who is going to win the compertitiun.

We are offerin ye a course of therapeutic sessions with one o Madam Fifi's best trained girrls. She has the right half of a Diploma and many hours "experience" and we believe is best suited to the kind of addiction (ter winning) that would be uer main presentin sypmtom. Er name be Annatta Lotts-Freud an she had a right weirdo for a Dad so she shuld be jest roight fer yer.

This considerate concession by us will be made instantly available to yer on receipt of 1,056 dubloons in use gold and the will be a surprise bonus.

The bonus be that yer will not ear anythin abowt the Big Brenda photgraph agin. As yoo can imagin this kind o protectiun has its price and we dont want ter understimate the werk and risk involved in scaring off the pursons or purson oo be round yer neck so ter speek.

Judge Tao and Judge Griffin
Founder Members of The Society for Badly Judged Protection Rackets
SBJPR
Registered Office
3890 Pall Mall
London
W1
Tel.           0207 666 7666
email         agro@SBJPR.org
website      www.bashem.SBJPR.org/bashem/index.html
Complaints  www.bashem.SBJPR.org/Scumsoft/Scomsoft/index.htm

Please context us urgently.

Addendum. Ye may be intersted in owr sisster comnmapy in Nigeria oo wuld lend ye anyfin you might suddenly find ye be needin. Their email is pfishinbefun@toadpfish.scroungealot.dgy - I loike their name cose it reminds me of camelot.

yer may notis Scumsoft on the bashem site has no "l" after the final "htm". This indicates it has passed the Scumsoft Best Web Standards certication. Scumsoft be tryin ard ter get basham to get certificated. Until they do thay can get away with murder and may not work to best practice standards. Hence they are not permitted ter drop the final "l" - for Learner - off html.
Scumsoft are to launch an L for Learner campaign early next year.

The current meaninglessnes,confusion, randomness, and wilful tendency to apply the final "l" or not on the basis of whim without knowledge usage causes upwards of a million phone calls a day from distressed people.

Thank you for your time. We are sure it will BE rewarded.

[Black Bart]

Weakened by Scurvy and endless games of 'Simon', a desperate member of The Black Spot's crew tries to get a job at Scumsoft!

Mr. B. Bart,

Madam Fifi wonts ter know wher ye got the foto of her former husbin. If yer kin pruve he's werkin' she 'as a matter of child support fer the 11 children wot she's raisin'. Nae one o' them resembuls the gent in the pickshur, bu' she sez th' judge b'leevs 'er and 'as awardid her support.

Also, th' new girl at Fifi's sez "Oi!! Wot's me ol' Da doin'? He can't code HTML werth beans!!"

However, fer artystick merit she gave you a 10, as it's a perfect loikness of 'im on 'is best day.

Tis an easy mistake ta make.  I fears I ave to disapoint the young wench and tell her tis a case o mistaken identity. The dark sunken eyes, the hollow cheeks, the look of a haunted tortured soul.  I be afraid that ALL of The Black Spot's crew end up lookin the same.

Imagine the feeling of hope that lifted this man's spirit as he saw Spot being left fer dead in an Open Boat in the middle of some godfersaken ocean...poor bastid, the hope was dashed at the end of a Cat o Nine tails when Spot was reunited with his crew, his shear hell bent determination and lust fer revenge keepin im alive against all the odds.

No...let the wench hope her daddy never sets foot on the same ship as The Black Spot.

[DaveL]

Miss Louisabelle Renae, third door to th' right 2nd floor at Mme. Fifi's was very enchanted by this 'ere entry. she sed it remoinded 'er of th' toime she werkd as a chef's assistant at th' Admiral Benbow, but not enuf smoke. 'Owever, the compysitsun ov the pease was "balanced and drew the eye to the inevitable stunned onlooker." Whutevvur that means.

YArrr...It was life and death takin' that photo. Any close to Big Ron and Oi would've needed a flameproof boiler suit.

YArrr, there be nuffin less smoky than a blue flame.

[The Black Spot]

Message 1. Dispatched by Jeff 24/4/1707

From: The Captain
To: The Gun Deck

Chief,
I needs ye to load these 'ere coordinates inter yer guns

Judge Tao and Judge Griffin
Founder Members of The Society for Badly Judged Protection Rackets
SBJPR
Registered Office
3890 Pall Mall
London
W1

I be in a bit o' a scrape 'ere, an 'ave to do a bit o' sweet talkin' to get meself out o' it. If ye don't hear from me in the next couple o' hours, let the blaggards have it.

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Message 2: Destroyed. Eaten by Bilge rat

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To: Communications Officer
From: The Captain

Jeff,

'ere be a letter I wants you to send to Judges Tao an Griffin. It be nice an' flowery, and should see me right. Fer gawds sake, don't let 'em see the one to the gun deck. Ye'd best destroy it.

TBS

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From: Communications Officer
To: The Captain

Cap'n,
messij 3 sent as ye reekwestid.

Jefff

--------------------------

[Griffin NoName]

To: Judge Tao
From: Judge Griffin

Cc: Judge Chatty

Dearest Sib/Cap'n/Judgey Personage

This odd communique just turned up. Wot shall us do abowt it?



------------------------------

To: Communications Officer
From: The Captain

Jeff,

'ere be a letter I wants you to send to Judges Tao an Griffin. It be nice an' flowery, and should see me right. Fer gawds sake, don't let 'em see the one to the gun deck. Ye'd best destroy it.

TBS

-----------------------------

[Black Bart]

YYYAARRRRGH...Just had to carry 6 bottles o Holy Grail Ale home on me bike...how i didn't end up in the river I'll never know.  One o em exploded in me kitchen...my god the Fishe Heade Stewe will taste good tonight!

(this is a true story).

(apart from the stew...I had toast!).

[The Black Spot]

...how i didn't end up in the river I'll never know.  One o em exploded in me kitchen...

Bah! Ee survived the booby trapped bottle! Another one o' me cunnin' plans comes to naught.

[Sibling Chatty]

Gennelmen, an' Oi use that term in th' loosest possybil sence, th' judging has enddid.

The annownsments an' awardin' of prizes will be made as smoothly as we kin do, seein' as how we're sustainin' some dammagis from continyouiss  bombardmint.

Th' judgin' team wood loik to rekwest a cessation in the pelting of the hedkwarters wif bilge rats wif notes in their moufs as a means of communikashun. Th' rats chew th' notes up somefin' owrful an' it na reedabil.

So, wif no ferther adoo (adoo is expensive and, quite honestly, the bribes in this instance have been below par) the Winnerz are:

First Place,...Black Bart for Pirates of Portsmoutha foine leather eyepatch

Second Place...Aggie for Cor, Wot's That?, the video of Pirate Documentaries from the Golden Days of Film Piracy

Third Place...DaveL for Portsmouth Public School Deluxe Pirate Kit, wif comapass, manacles, patch an' cutlass

Fourth Place is a three way tie, all Black Spot's Arrr entries (Skeletons and both ships, the Game one and the Away from the Galley one) Deluxe Pirate Kit, Skull Bandana, and a convenient Pirate Tote bag for carryin' spare eyepatches, parrot feed an th' odds an' ends ye need abowt but don't want ter carry in yer pockets. (NOT loike a lady's purse at all.)

Then...DaveL's Wind Band Skull Bandana

Next...Bart's Big Ron Skull Bandana

Next...Spot's Police PhotoSpecial Pirate Disguise Kit, with Beard, mustache, an extra fancy Hook and a Eyepatch so's he can disguise himself when Brenda's around.

Finally...Bart's Scumsoft Skull Bandana

All Winners are asked to send mailin' information by Secret Message to Judge Chatty, who promises to NOT deevulge to yer enemies th' addresses of yer hideowts, really. Honestly. Not evenn wif a cutlass at her neck. NEVVER!!

Honorariums fer the  Non-Release of Information Lock-up Box at th' Diskreet Box Rental Site at th' World Piratical Bank in Switzerland should be sent to Chatty's Mum c/o Old Biddy's Rest Home, Number 81 Far Winding Lane, Portsmouth. (Be warned, the Old Biddy's staff knows, an' is willin' to perteckt my an' their own interests, as Mum can be MUCH more obnoxious if Oi tells 'er to.)

Hartyest Congratyoulayshins to ALL The Winners!!

[The Black Spot]

GARRRRRGHHH!

The competition be fixed I tells ye!

I had me crew phonin' their votes in 24 hours a day, I bribed the judges, threatened others wi' violence, bought off all the other officials, an I STILL lost.

What be the world comin' to?

[Griffin NoName]

Wait til ye see the prizes. Ye'll be glad ye lost

[Sibling Chatty]

GARRRRRGHHH!

The competition be fixed I tells ye!

I had me crew phonin' their votes in 24 hours a day, I bribed the judges, threatened others wi' violence, bought off all the other officials, an I STILL lost.

What be the world comin' to?

Ye got BOTH kits' a bandana AND the lovely quite nice Tote Bag. If yer'd won the movie, yer'd havter go to Aggie's ter watch it ennyways, as it be in th' wrong 'area' or 'district' or whatevver...an' same for DaveL!! Th' film be the US/Canadian player only!

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Many congrats to youse all. Youse are lucky to get a weekly bowl gruel wif maggots in it, let alone Chatty's top quality merchan, regal pirety stuff. So quit yer whijun.

But to put a 'sports platitude' on it all, the real winner here today is Piracy...YArrr, sorry but Oi've heard Aussie sportsmen say that it make me want to 'vom'. YAr!

[Opsa]

Fank you to awl entrants and a hardy congratulations to our foin winner's circle. You are one gamey crew!

YO HO!

[Sibling Chatty]

The shippin, department is searching for the proper size treasure chests for all the paraphernalia to be sent, and be hopin' to have it ready to go by Thursday, which, in an amazing co-inky-dink, is the day the Eagle flies!

The ferocious guard dog that has been pertecktin' the goods durin' the judgin' has agreed to allow the shippers to pack things up, providin' he be rewarded wif Liv-A-Snaps. Addresses are bein' gathered, and photos will be hexpected!!

The purported phone-in lines have been traced to an entity known only as Bart Enterprizes, LLP, a subsidiary of the Bart-n-Dave Brokerage House!!

Gennelmen, be sure yer will is up ter date afore commencin' hostilities, as the judgin' crew will assume no liabilities for enny misdeliveries due to sudden lack of head or guts on the part of the winners. (Winners without heads agree to pass on beards and moustaches won, as they don't photograph well if not on an actual head.)