Ye Pirate Pantomime

[DaveL]

...in a lovely pink dress.

Someone in the audience yelled:

'Get dressed into yer real costume DaveL, yer stinkin varmint!'

[Black Bart]

The Prince reeled at the sight of Brenderella's entrance...
Prince: These spotlights aren't half strong, and that pink chiffon clashes dreadfully with the size 18 glass slippers...but what a woman!
With that the Prince tossed aside his drink and lurched drunkenly towards Brenderella...

[Calico Jack]

The Prince looked into Brenderella's eyes through a drunken haze. 

The orchestra starting playing soft romantic music

Brenderella:  Get away from me you stinking drunken Pervert

The music stopped abruptly

Prince: Burp

Brenderella: Help, help, someone get this weirdo away from me.

Prince: Cum on darling, hic, We both know what you really want.

At that point Brenderella turned away from the Prince and fled.

Prince: OK, I'll give yer 500 Dubloons and 20 cases of Rum.

Brenderella had reached the edge of the set and promptly stopped and turned round to face the Prince.

Brenderella: Make it 50 cases and you can have me fer yer wench ferever.

Before anyone could utter another word the clock chimes struck midnight.

[Bluenose]

Suddenly dropping out of princely character, Cap'n Bluenose peered out of the rum induced haze at Brenderella.  Something was nagging at the back of his (for want of a better term) brain.

The vision of loveliness before him seemed suddenly to shift focus and with growing horror Bluenose began to remember - this is a Pantomine.  Cap'n Bluenose is not a handsome prince.  That's not really a gorgeous buxom willing lass waiting for him to say the right words.  What is it he is trying to remember?  Finally the awful truth broke through the fog.  That's not a girl, that's DaveL!

Cap'n Bluenose fainted.

[Black Bart]

...and his parrot fell off.

Brenderella swiftly picked up the parrot and legged it out of the palace...the clock struck 12 midnight and PHHHHUUUTTT! the beautiful ball gown turned back to rags...

...there was a tremendous crash as Brenderella's enormous plexi-glass knickers hit the floor, bounced down the palace steps and settled on the prince's head! The concussion caused the drunken prince to forget everything but his dance with the gorgeous Brenderella...

"Organise my coach and horses at once", said the prince, "I must search my realm til I find the beauty to whom these knickers belong!"

[Calico Jack]

After a short intermission in which the Theatre manager had to quell a riot due to the lack of Rum in the auditorium bar.  The curtains opened on to the galley next to Fifi's where Brenderella was waiting on her two step sisters.

Ugly Sister 1: God have I got a head on me, what did I drink last night at the Prince's ball.

Ugly Sister 2: I don't know but I be more worried about the cutlass I found in me bed this mornin, who did it belong to.

Brenderella: I think I met my dream man last night but I was so pissed I can't remember what e looked loike

Ugly Sister 1: You meet a man, who is going to want to look at you, specially with that beard.

At this point Dave L realised that his portrayal of an attractive young girl was not that convincing.

Just then there was a knock on the door and Buttons came rushing down the stairs. "Quick" he said "It is the Prince an he wants to see all of you girls"

[Calico Jack]

The impending arrival of the Prince left the three girls in a mad panic.

Ugly Sister 1: Oh no look at me dress I was sick all over it last night, an it smells of stale Fish Head Stew, what will e think.

Ugly Sister 2: I can't remember if it were him that was in me bed last night, will e remember me, I hope not as I pinched is wallet.

The Prince was ushered into the room clutching three full bottles of Rum. Cue dramatic music from the orchestra. Well, dramatic music from what was left of the orchestra as most of them had hotfooted it to Fifi's to take advantage of the 2 for 1 January sale.

Prince:  My dream girl who I intend to marry drank a bottle of grog in 4 seconds last night, therefore you girls will have to undertake a test for me.

Brenderella: Oh no, what am I to do, I am desperate for some grog but I don't want ter marry that ugly blaggard. Mebbe now e is sober e will see me beard an look for his wife elsewhere.

The Prince summoned his servant to place 3 bottles of Rum in front of the three girls.

[Black Bart]

Ugly Sister 1:  Please refer to my Pirate articles what state that no Grog is to be consumed in the presence of Royalty.

Prince (in the voice of Mrs Doyle from father Ted): Go On, Go On, Go On, Go On...

[Calico Jack]

There was a commotion as Brenderella's Stepmother raced into the room. 

She grabbed hold of Brenderella by her beard and threw her out on to the snow covered street.

Meanwhile Ugly Sister 1 picked up the bottle of Rum and awaited the call to start drinking.