Ye Pirate Pantomime

[Griffin NoName]

Message to Calico Jack, this not be the briny tale........

Stepmother continues   ....in his Counting House.

Set rotates to show magnificant King with the largest crown in the Universe, so big that he would have been weighed down by it and bent double if he weren't the strongest most powerful handsomest intelligent benificent King in the Universe.

In the background can be seen hundreds, at least nine hundreds, maybe more, of bean counters, for this King was not only the most wonderful, perfect, utterly astounding Kingiest King, but he also had the most money.

King: Hums to himself.... I am The King, I am the KMing, I am the King.

Choir[/b}: He is the King, He is the King, He is the King.

The final act closes with The King and All his Subjects worhsipping Him.
T

[Calico Jack]

The audience can hear frenzied activity behind the curtain where a man's voice is heard to say, which of you blaggards as nicked me grog.

Suddenly the curtains open with a flourish and a woodland scene appears.  From stage right two riders gallop on to the stage:

Clop Clop Clop Clop Clop

Prince: Oh Mother what am I to do, where am I ever going to meet my sweetheart who I can worship until my dying day

Queen: What sort of man you be, get yerself down to Fifi's where there are wenches an grog a plenty.

Prince:  Mother, there is only one women for me, the most beautiful girl in the world, trouble is I have not met yer yet.

Queen:  What an idiot

Audience:  Oh no he's not

Queen: Bollocks to the lot of yer I'm off to get some grog

The riders gallop off stage left.

Clop Clop, Clop, Clop

END OF ACT

[Black Bart]

COMMERCIAL BREAK...

Sexy Barry White music leading into voice over by Henry kelly.  Tacky film showing a plumber hard at work bending a shiny quality looking pipe.

Kelly: Having problems with your ball cock...something wedged in your U bend...why not call:
Bustlin Brian on 0205 656 7777 for all your plumbing needs.

Wobbly shot of Sewage Works...

Bustlin Brian's Plumbing Emporium, accross the street from Madame Fifi's, behind the trees.

[The Black Spot]

During the Intermission, a riot breaks out as the Audience scream abuse at Brian's advert. The manager appeals for calm as the Ugly Sisters fight over the Ice Cream Lady's last Raspberry Ripple. Order is restored after a cannonball is fired into the ceiling as a warning. Then it's:

ACT TWO

Interior. The Grand Palace. The throne room.

Prince Charming: Oh Daddy, what shall I do?

King:You can start by adressing me as "your Majesty"

Set rotates slowly and creakily to show the Queen in the Admiral Benbow

Queen: Landlord! More grog over here!

Landlord: Here yar m'Lady. (hands over a two pint tankard)

Queen: I don't know what's the matter with that son of mine. Thinks he's too good for the girls around here.

Landlord: Most people are too good for the girls round here. Even the people 'oo live 'ere.

Queen: Oh, I know that. But how do I get him interested in one?

Landlord: Why not invite them all over for a party? None o' the local wenches'll say no to a free drink.

Queen: That's brilliant! After a few drinks, he's bound to see one he likes. I'll talk to me old man and get it organised immediately!

END OF SCENE

[Black Bart]

The Director notices the audience have settled down and are actually paying attention and he decides to play his trump card...a musical number.

Four scurvy lookin Pirates hobble onto stage and begin a sort of hornpipe dance whilst singing:

Sailors, Seabees and Marines:
We got sunlight on the sand,
We got moonlight on the sea,
We got mangoes and bananas
You can pick right off the tree,
We got volleyball and ping-pong
And a lot of dandy games!
What ain't we got?
We ain't got dames!

We get packages from home,
We get movies, we get shows,
We get speeches from our skipper
And advice from Tokyo Rose,
We get letters doused with perfume
We get dizzy from the smell!
What don't we get?
You know darn well!

We have nothin' to put on a clean white suit for
What we need is what there ain't no substitute for...

There is nothin' like a dame,
Nothin' in the world,
There is nothin' you can name
That is anythin' like a dame!

We feel restless, we feel blue,
We feel lonely and in grief,
We feel ev'ry kind of feelin',
But the feelin' of relief
We feel hungry as the wolf felt
When he met Red Hiding-hood
What don't we feel?
We don't feel good!

Lots of things in life are beautiful, but brother,
There is one particular thing that is nothin' whatsoever
In any way, shape or form like any other.

There is nothin' like a dame,
Nothin' in the world,
There is nothin' you can name
That is anythin' like a dame!

Nothin' else was built the same,
Nothin' in the world
As the soft and wavy frame
Like the silhouette of a dame!

There is absolutely nothin' like a frame of a dame.

So suppose that dame and bride
Are completely free from flaws,
Or as faithful as a bird dog,
Or as kind as Santa Claus,
It's a waste of time to worry
Over things that they have not,
We're thankful for the things they got!

There is nothin' you can name
That is anythin' like a dame!

There are no books like a dame,
And nothin' looks like a dame.
There are no drinks like a dame,
And nothin' thinks like a dame,
Nothin' acts like a dame,
Or attracts like a dame.
There ain't a thing that's wrong with any man here
That can't be cured by pullin' him near
A girly, womanly, female, feminine dame!


Cue entrance of UGLY SISTERS!!!!!!!

They are both holding Invitations to the Royal Ball...

[Griffin NoName]

Enter stage right: KING. Stares at UGLY SISTERS.

SISTERS approach KING; SISTERS show invitations to KING.

KING draws in huge breath; goes bright red; screams until his head falls off. Head rolls across stage.

Enter: stage left: Widow Twanky.

Widow Twanky: Hallo boys and girls.

WT sees King's head on ground, stoops, picks it up.

Widow Twanky:What have we here? Looks like a Royal Ball to me. Have you got your invitations girls and boys?

Audience: ......

[Calico Jack]

Before the audience could reply the set revolved around to reveal Fifi's basement with Brenderella and her faithful friend Buttons.

Brenderella: Why I am so ugly Buttons what shall I do.

Buttons: Being fat and spotty doesn't help.

Brenderella: I just want people to like me, why don't my step sisters like me, I do everything for them.

Buttons: Well nicking their Grog and snogging their favourite Cabin Boy doesn't help.

Brenderella: If only I could go out, my sisters have been invited to the Kings ball, Am I the only girl at Fifi's who has not been invited?

Buttons: I don't the answer to that, perhaps I can phone a friend, hmm I have no friends, I know I'll ask the audience.

Buttons: Audience, please help me should Brenderella go the ball.

Audience: No, she's ugly, she's fat, she moans all the time and she nicks all the grog.

Buttons looked puzzled, this was not in the script.

The revolving set then turned around to reveal the Ugly Sisters at the Kings Ball.

[Black Bart]

UGLY SISTER 1: I wish the set would stop revolving...I'm having trouble keeping my lunch down.  It's not often we get posh nosh like this is it Sis? Have another canape.

UGLY SISTER 2: Don't mind if I do, it beats Fishe Heade Stewe...

(UGLY SISTER 2 picks up a large juicy prawn throws away the body and gobbles down the head belching loudly)

UGLY SISTER 1: Ooh Er...I think the Prince is winking.

UGLY SISTER 2: Filthy sod, he could wait till we've finished eating...Oh I see what you mean, he probably fancies the pants off us. OOOH Lor Luv a duck...he's coming over...don't forget to use protection, you never know what these Royals are carrying.

UGLY SISTER 1: I know, I know...The Madness of King George, The Grossness of King Henry and The Slackness of Queen Gertrude, to mention but three!

The Prince, having consumed more than a couple of pink gins, approaches the Ugly Sisters smiling drunkenly...

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

While the Prince approaches the ugly sisters, the coachman staggers onto the cage, starts swinging his whip and starts shouting.

Coachman: Go horsies, Heeeyaaa!!!! W'ere me bloody 'orses? W'ats goin' on ower 'ere? W'ere 's me coach?

The theatre staff tries to explain to the coachman that he is in the wrong act and move him out of the stage. He starts to swing his cutlass stabbing several people and runs off.

Coachman: You'll never get me! I'm the fantom ov t'e Oprah!!!!!

Several cries of horror are heard behing the scene.

That didn't bother the Prince in his move towards the Sisters, managing to drink another three pink gins on his way.

[Black Bart]

In the confusion the audience suddenly cheer loudly as Capn Jack Sparrow swings swashbucklingly onto stage' he wears a terrified expression:

Sparrow: YYYAARRRGH I've nearly been swallowed by the KRAKEN!!!!

Ugly Sister 1: You're over reactin Capn...it just looks loik that when Brenderella's bendin over to clean the fireplace!!

[Calico Jack]

After the curtains closed after the last scene there was a loud crash followed by anguished cries.  The audience looked upwards in terror and were alarmed to see masonry falling on to their heads and a large hole where the roof of the theatre used to be.  At this point the manager of the theatre appeared on the stage.

"Ladees and Gennelmen, we are going ter suspend production of this foine play as some blaggard as blown a hole in our roof.  As soon as we git ourselves a new roof the play will recommence.  Can yer all leave the theatre in an orderly fashion, thanking you"

As the audience left the arena Pirgella was heard to say to her companion "I knew The Black Spot was unhappy to be cast as an Ugly Sister"

[The Black Spot]

A makeshift roof was made out of a pair of Brenda's old drawers, and the audience resumed their seats just in time for the next act.

Interior. The basement of Madame Fifi's. Brenderella is deeply upset.

Brenderella: Boo-hoo. Oh woe is me!

Suddenly - POOF! Enter the Fairy.

Good Fairy Why Brenderella, whatever is the matter?

Brenderella: I can't go to the ball! Look at these terrible rags!

Good Fairy That be no problem, me dear.

The Fairy gets his wand out and waves it in Brenderella's direction. ZAP! Her rags are transformed into something glamorous - well, something without dinner down the front of it anyway.

Good Fairy: There Brenderella, now ye can go to the ball.

Brenderella: I dunno. I'll need a new pair of drawers. You shouldn't go around appearing in front of people like that. Anyway, why have you got an eyepatch and a hook?

Good Fairy: Do you want to go to this ball or not?

Brenderella: And why have you got a pegleg and a bald head? Couldn't you magic yourself up a Tony Curtis wig?

Good Fairy: Will you--

Brenderella: And look at you! You need a good wash - look at the state of your neck. And you could at least have had a shave before you came out. And all that hair growing out your ears!

Good Fairy: --SHUT UP! Good grief girl! Now we needs to get ye to the ball in style. I needs ye to fetch me six bilge rats and a fishhead...

[Black Bart]

Brenderella: Fish Heads...I've got plenty of them, but the bilge rats have all been at the stew and died, the lot of em! Can't we use your parrot and some cockroaches?

Good Fairy: Dear, dear, dear, this is a shoddy production, must be ITV!  Oh well, you must go to the ball Brenderella so hand em over and I'll say the majic words: SUPERCRONANHALITOSIS NICKY NACKY NOOOO!

With a puff of pungant green smoke the parrot and cockroaches are magically transformed into a London Taxi covered with adverts for Bart's Industries!

[Griffin NoName]

And so Brenderella arrived in style at the Ball with buckets of fish heads balanced on a bar across her shoulders.

As she made her entrance, meekly and mildly, hiding her light under a bushel, blue fairy lights sprang into life across the far wall spelling out How Do You Solve A Problem Like Brenderella and the vast ballroom fell silent, agog, and expectant.

[Black Bart]

The prince was just about to snog Ugly Sister 2 when he caught sight of Brenderella's entrance...