Missy Melissa's Piratical Unisex Fashion Column and Personal Tips

[Griffin NoName]

Guys n Dolls

Oi noticed sum of ye be gettin in a fix wiv fings n Oi'm ere to elp ye.

Terday's Tip

Oi've ad a letter from wun yung man wot be a little shy o the ladies. Lad, use a cotton bud ter clean out yer nose wen yer feelin a bit dowdy like. It'll buck ye up no end and pleese the ladies, but keep yer secret ter yerself an don't let em catch ye at it.

[DaveL]

Dear Missy Melissa,

Is it true that followin' editorial budget cuts, that you and Aunty Blackrobe are now the same person?

If so, should we get Rupert Murdoch and string him to our main mast, upside down.

Koind Regards,

Capn Faux News

[The Black Spot]

Dear Missy Melissa,

I read one o' yer articles recently, an' ye said that tricorn hats an' frockcoats were out of fashion this year, an' kipper ties an' puffy jackets were in.

Does I wear flares or drainpipes wi' a peg leg?

Yours

Cap'n Brummel

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Capn Faux News

Yer source be useless. Must be alf blind or alf deaf or bof. That were budgie cuts not budget cuts. We brawt them budgies in to save on parrots but it didnt work out.

Oi can assure ye we are quite different peeple an yer questiun be an example of jest the sort Auntie Blackbird deals wiv. Yer lucky Im bovvering ter answer it.

If you av a question on dress code or gender an such, please rite in agin. Else dont risk arm ter the environment wastin ink and paper.

MM


Dear Cap'n Brummel

It be tru but the Disciplinary Board be tryin to discourage Kipper ties to preserve fish stock.

Drainpipes be best fer the peg leg fer formal occasions, but flares can be useful if ye get yer tailor to sew pokkets in the widest part fer carryin cat-o-nine tales an the like, special if'n ye need ter keep yer ook free.

MM

[The Black Spot]

Dear Missy Melissa

I bought a stylish new wristwatch the other day, an I be right pleased wi' it. Me first mate made fun o' it so I decided to let 'im ave a closer look at it.

What be yer opinion?

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

That be a luvly gentle way to teach your crew 'how to tell the toime' there Spot. Nuthin werse than some ole blaggard who's use to sundials makin fun of yer.

[Black Bart]

I bought a stylish new wristwatch the other day, an I be right pleased wi' it. Me first mate made fun o' it so I decided to let 'im ave a closer look at it.

YYYAARRR I bet the blaggard ventured to say:

"What kind o Micky Mouse Time Piece be that Capn?"

YYYYAARRRR...Can I have one?

[Griffin NoName]

Oi bileeve they be avaiable on AAAAAARRR-Bay dirt cheap.

MM

[DaveL]

Dear Missy Melissa,

A 'friend' of mine has a penchant for dressin' up in wimmens clothing. Many months at sea leave me 'friend' lacking sufficient female company. He thus gets in touch with his feminine side by sportinga nice pink frock round the lower decks. This sends his cut-throat crew absolutely beserk!

Do you have any fashion tips for me 'friend'. Is pink still the rage this year? Or should he be tryin a few pastels with a nice fancy hat?

Kind Regards,

A 'friend'

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Friend

Brown be this year's colour. Oi sergest ye yer friend go fer sum good toned down brown to placate yer is crew and spruce it up with a bit of pink ter express yerself is real self. Oi wuldnt go fer a different at, that be askin fer truble. Jest yer is normal Cap'ns hat mebbe set at a good angle. Av yer As yer frend thought abawt a stilleto extenshion fer yer is peg leg?

[Black Bart]

Dear, er, friend L

I can let you have that french maid's outfit back.  It's got some tears in it but the frilly knickers are foine.  Do not wear it into the Dribblin Parrot or the Admiral Benbow. I think ye moight get away wiv wearin it in that new bar what's opened near the docks: 'The Swinging Sailor'.

Bart

[Griffin NoName]

Useful Tips fer Chrissmus

1. Elp yerself ter lots of stuffin in case yer only asked once, unless it be supplied by Big Ron.

2. Don't let anyone cook yer goose.

3. Think careful like before ye ask anyone ter pull yer cracker. Oi erd Scumsoft as supplied ther jokes.

MM


Submit yer tips ter this column an claim a reward^*

* rewards available from 1.1.2088 on presentation of proof of climate change

[Black Bart]

Another useful Tip fer Xmas:

Last year me crew got a lovely Xmas card from Madame Fifi's Knocking shop.  The picture on the front showed a beautiful Xmas tree complete with candles shimmerin on each and every bow.

This year we got a tree from the market and, rememberin the card, the First Mate stuck candles on all the branches.  For all of five mintues the tree looked beautiful with candles twinklin away... and then the main sail caught fire!

Anybody got room fer homeless pirates this Xmas?!

[Griffin NoName]

More Tips fer Chrissmus

1. Do not be desceeved by Pirate Strangers askin fer a bed claimin they be omeless. Arrange ter meet them in a public place like Portsmouth High Street where it be safe an giv them a Scumsoft voucher.

2. Yer can giv Scumsoft vouchers ter Carol Singers. Remember ter claim yer free gift fer introducin a frend.

3. Do not pay any mooore dubloons inter the Scumsoft Chrissmus Club.

[DaveL]

Dear Missy Melissa,

Life on Captain Cronin's reality TV survivor show is becoming a real pain. The isolation has been sendin me a bit whacky, but I've bin enjoyin yer fashion tips like

1. How to wear a poncy bandana so Oi look tough like Rambo;
2. How to get the most out of me 3-day growth so that Oi look all disheveled;
3. How to capture  prized maggot from the village rubbish dump.

Given that there are 40 days to go in this bleedin contest, can yer tell me what opportunities there are for...erm...gettin in touch wifs me feminine side.

Koind Regards,

A fellow contestant

[Griffin NoName]

Fear Fellow Contestant

Glad ter ear from yer. We'd all be appier if yer spruced yersel up a bit.

Oi sergest wen yer get yer tern in the Big Bovver Blogger Room ask Big Bovver ter reskedool the port stop overs usin this map:



Ye can pikk owt ther pink bits on this map eezily an Oi'm shure ye can foind the sort o dress clothin yer loike.

Yours Miss Melissa

P.S. Oi'll be be'ind the forfth gang plank at dawn.

[Black Bart]

Dear Missy

Don't tell anyone but I've dyed me Ginger Hair Jet Black and I think I've got away with it so far.  Can you let me know when me roots are showin?

I am goin for the 'David Guest look'...I've got a cabin boy called Roger Seaman Staines...honest!

[Pachyderm]

Wot thee 'ell is a Ginger Hair Jet?

An' why would you get a ginger one, just ter dye it black? Shurely easier ter nick a black one?

[DaveL]

Dear Missy Melissa,

Oi've bin thinking of 'cats fur jackets' for this winter aboard me ship. Knowing that Tiddles is extremly bad tempered, do you think he'll mind if I borrow his pelt for a season or two?

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Capn' DaveL

Go eezie on the dye as Pink Spotted Tiddles be a real scarey thawt. Aaaaar, may'aps ye culd dye the pelt pink after ye snip it awf not before (Oi jest got this hot tip from Cuddles).

MM

[DaveL]

Dear Missy Melissa,

Do you think Oi should ask Tiddles in future? He didn't take to kindly to me snippin' his fur off.

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Cap'n DaveL

Wiv the graitest respekt, ye be a clod.

MM

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Oi thought you said cloud there for a minute. Yes, me Cumulo-nimbusus have bin playin' up of late. 

[DaveL]

Dear Missy Melissa,

Some fashion nazi called MM has taken to hinsultin me? Should Oi be hupgradin me wardrobe?



Capn In Pink Afterhours

[anthrobabe]

Dear Missy,

Where can I get a ride to the hospital?
That last photo spectacle from kind pirate DaveL has me in the floor seeing stars.
and I thought the idea of pirates in pink underdrawers was something.
BTW--where can I also get me a set of those stunning beige shoes?

Love
Saucy Gert

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Cap'n DaveL and Saucy Gert

Forgive me replying to both at once but we are running low on paper and no one's filled the ink wells for months.

Agreed, the shoes are stunning but beige is so last year. We have got out fashion department to smarten up your outfit Cap'n DaveL with the latest gold stillettos and this year's must-have black whip accessory. All the boys love a good whip.

Saucy Gert, we hope this will keep you out of hospital. We appreciate how distressing it can be to see such out of date taste.

Yours Missy

[DaveL]

Arghhh..

That looks like a fine addition Missy Melissa. O'im sure Sibling Bluenose will find that handy when I'm not wearin it round me leg.

Wifs yours and Saucy Gert's fine assistance Oi can see us developin a new fashion label for Pirates tryin to get in touch wif their feminine side.

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Missy M.

Oi be acumpanying Mrs Primrose Postlethwaite OBE ter ther R.W.U.C.T.A. protest outside that retched Public School this Friday to stamp out vice, bad grammar and evil.

Can ye sergest a sewtable outfit.

Lord Cap'n Treadmill-UpJohn

[DaveL]

Dear Capn Treadmill,

O'id be stoppin at nothin less than this, if yer planning to protest out the front of the school.


Catchy little blue number, with nice use of accessories and a lovely hat to boot. Those little blaggards will be givin yers what for so be at the ready. There may be injuries....lots of injuries!

Best Regards,

Principal Bill Cullinane (on behalf of Missy Melissa)

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Missy M

Oi be writin on be'alf o a good frend 'oo 'as towld me yer tips 'n fashun columm 'as bin 'ijacked by a bad man.

A Well Wisher

[anthrobabe]

Dear Missy M

Oi be writin on be'alf o a good frend 'oo 'as towld me yer tips 'n fashun columm 'as bin 'ijacked by a bad man.

A Well Wisher

im who ell remain unnamed DaveL ain bad
jus drewn that way
at lease tha turkey bastin ain stated bak up

i likes the flours in tha shelds look -


oi've a qwestin?
bout lady unmentionables

wif or wif out dem wire fingies? ye knows the bits that supposd to make fings perky like but after a warsh or 3 jus poke atcha. does one ave to wears em? is is unladielike to not wear em?

sincerely

Saucy Gert
(oh an do sizin matters-- I be a 38DD ifin it makes a different matter an all)

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Saucy Gert

'Em wire bits be a curse wot bin invented by ther washin' macheen manifacturs. Ye'll 'av no dowt noticed 'ow menee be missin' arter a good washin'. Aaargh!! They be foulin' yer macheen an 'appen ye'll be forkin' owt fer a new wun.

But tek 'eart me deary. Ye stik wiv 'em wale bownes an ye'll be foine; especial if'n ye get a frend ter put 'is foot in yer bakk an' tug 'ard wen ye be lacin' yersel' in. Ye be wantin' a good sized man if'n ye knoes wot Oi meen, wot wiv ye bein' a 388EE an all (downt fret yersel' deary, we get lowds writin' in ter us wot clame ter be a dubble D luvvy).

MM

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Missy

'ow d' yer tell a frend 'e needs ter do 'is buttons up befor 'e frytens little kiddies?

A concerned citizen

Ps. This be a pciktoor o' 'im tekken by a zoom lenz from Portsmouth Arbor.

[DaveL]

Dear Missy Melissa,

Oi wuz wunderin if ye had any tips for this impendin Autumnal fashions. O'ive bin havin trubbles swappin me summer pinks for sumthin fawn or orange.

Do ye think Oi should lash out and get a new pair of high heels, for next time Oi get me shore pass stamped?

[Opsa]

DaveL, Oi hopes you still gots them beige heels, as Oi fink they'd go noice with a fawn outfit. Dare to be ecru.

MM- everyone sez my striped stockings are so last season. Oi sez they are classical-loik. Who's roight and who shall Oi run through next time they open their lily-livered gob?

[Bluenose]

_mmmmm-Oim-_mmmmm-not-_mmmmm-sayin-_mmmmm-nuffin-_mmmmm

[Griffin NoName]

Dear DaveL

Try Missus Polly Porter-Stuff's Boutique for the best fawn and orange collectiun. 'An remember ye cannot 'ave too menny stilettos (not forgetting the wun down yer stockin' (not striped)).

Yours
MM

[DaveL]

Dear Missy,

Oi forgot to add that Oi shuld be gettin a new autumn hat. Do ye have the name of a good Portsmouth Milliner? One that make more than just tricorn hats wuld be a start!

[Griffin NoName]

Dear DaveL

I send all my boys to SHATS.R.US. - they do a fine line in sailors hats. Ye'll find em at the rear of the Benbow.

Yours
MM

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

Oi heard that some of their frilly hats are crap. No idea why!