Missy Melissa's Piratical Unisex Fashion Column and Personal Tips

[Griffin NoName]

Guys n Dolls

Oi noticed sum of ye be gettin in a fix wiv fings n Oi'm ere to elp ye.

Terday's Tip

Oi've ad a letter from wun yung man wot be a little shy o the ladies. Lad, use a cotton bud ter clean out yer nose wen yer feelin a bit dowdy like. It'll buck ye up no end and pleese the ladies, but keep yer secret ter yerself an don't let em catch ye at it.

[DaveL]

Dear Missy Melissa,

Is it true that followin' editorial budget cuts, that you and Aunty Blackrobe are now the same person?

If so, should we get Rupert Murdoch and string him to our main mast, upside down.

Koind Regards,

Capn Faux News

[The Black Spot]

Dear Missy Melissa,

I read one o' yer articles recently, an' ye said that tricorn hats an' frockcoats were out of fashion this year, an' kipper ties an' puffy jackets were in.

Does I wear flares or drainpipes wi' a peg leg?

Yours

Cap'n Brummel

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Capn Faux News

Yer source be useless. Must be alf blind or alf deaf or bof. That were budgie cuts not budget cuts. We brawt them budgies in to save on parrots but it didnt work out.

Oi can assure ye we are quite different peeple an yer questiun be an example of jest the sort Auntie Blackbird deals wiv. Yer lucky Im bovvering ter answer it.

If you av a question on dress code or gender an such, please rite in agin. Else dont risk arm ter the environment wastin ink and paper.

MM


Dear Cap'n Brummel

It be tru but the Disciplinary Board be tryin to discourage Kipper ties to preserve fish stock.

Drainpipes be best fer the peg leg fer formal occasions, but flares can be useful if ye get yer tailor to sew pokkets in the widest part fer carryin cat-o-nine tales an the like, special if'n ye need ter keep yer ook free.

MM

[The Black Spot]

Dear Missy Melissa

I bought a stylish new wristwatch the other day, an I be right pleased wi' it. Me first mate made fun o' it so I decided to let 'im ave a closer look at it.

What be yer opinion?

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

That be a luvly gentle way to teach your crew 'how to tell the toime' there Spot. Nuthin werse than some ole blaggard who's use to sundials makin fun of yer.

[Black Bart]

I bought a stylish new wristwatch the other day, an I be right pleased wi' it. Me first mate made fun o' it so I decided to let 'im ave a closer look at it.

YYYAARRR I bet the blaggard ventured to say:

"What kind o Micky Mouse Time Piece be that Capn?"

YYYYAARRRR...Can I have one?

[Griffin NoName]

Oi bileeve they be avaiable on AAAAAARRR-Bay dirt cheap.

MM

[DaveL]

Dear Missy Melissa,

A 'friend' of mine has a penchant for dressin' up in wimmens clothing. Many months at sea leave me 'friend' lacking sufficient female company. He thus gets in touch with his feminine side by sportinga nice pink frock round the lower decks. This sends his cut-throat crew absolutely beserk!

Do you have any fashion tips for me 'friend'. Is pink still the rage this year? Or should he be tryin a few pastels with a nice fancy hat?

Kind Regards,

A 'friend'

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Friend

Brown be this year's colour. Oi sergest ye yer friend go fer sum good toned down brown to placate yer is crew and spruce it up with a bit of pink ter express yerself is real self. Oi wuldnt go fer a different at, that be askin fer truble. Jest yer is normal Cap'ns hat mebbe set at a good angle. Av yer As yer frend thought abawt a stilleto extenshion fer yer is peg leg?

[Black Bart]

Dear, er, friend L

I can let you have that french maid's outfit back.  It's got some tears in it but the frilly knickers are foine.  Do not wear it into the Dribblin Parrot or the Admiral Benbow. I think ye moight get away wiv wearin it in that new bar what's opened near the docks: 'The Swinging Sailor'.

Bart

[Griffin NoName]

Useful Tips fer Chrissmus

1. Elp yerself ter lots of stuffin in case yer only asked once, unless it be supplied by Big Ron.

2. Don't let anyone cook yer goose.

3. Think careful like before ye ask anyone ter pull yer cracker. Oi erd Scumsoft as supplied ther jokes.

MM


Submit yer tips ter this column an claim a reward^*

* rewards available from 1.1.2088 on presentation of proof of climate change

[Black Bart]

Another useful Tip fer Xmas:

Last year me crew got a lovely Xmas card from Madame Fifi's Knocking shop.  The picture on the front showed a beautiful Xmas tree complete with candles shimmerin on each and every bow.

This year we got a tree from the market and, rememberin the card, the First Mate stuck candles on all the branches.  For all of five mintues the tree looked beautiful with candles twinklin away... and then the main sail caught fire!

Anybody got room fer homeless pirates this Xmas?!

[Griffin NoName]

More Tips fer Chrissmus

1. Do not be desceeved by Pirate Strangers askin fer a bed claimin they be omeless. Arrange ter meet them in a public place like Portsmouth High Street where it be safe an giv them a Scumsoft voucher.

2. Yer can giv Scumsoft vouchers ter Carol Singers. Remember ter claim yer free gift fer introducin a frend.

3. Do not pay any mooore dubloons inter the Scumsoft Chrissmus Club.

[DaveL]

Dear Missy Melissa,

Life on Captain Cronin's reality TV survivor show is becoming a real pain. The isolation has been sendin me a bit whacky, but I've bin enjoyin yer fashion tips like

1. How to wear a poncy bandana so Oi look tough like Rambo;
2. How to get the most out of me 3-day growth so that Oi look all disheveled;
3. How to capture  prized maggot from the village rubbish dump.

Given that there are 40 days to go in this bleedin contest, can yer tell me what opportunities there are for...erm...gettin in touch wifs me feminine side.

Koind Regards,

A fellow contestant