Scumsoft 'elpdesk

[The Black Spot]

Dear 'Elpdesk

sometimes me computer seems arthritically slow. Would a new hard drive help?

Yours

Cap'n Mollasses

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Cap'n Mollasses

We can offer ye a Scumvision PassPortsmouth external UPB drive for a mere 2,000 dubloons.

This model has been treated with the new anti-arthritic SpeedScumSpray™. It also protects against treacle spillage. For a mere 250 dubloons we can also provide protection against coffee spills.

We also suggest you purchase a UPB relaxant which can be used to lessen the perceived retrieval rates. You can find this product here.

We trust your future drive experience will be satisfactory.

Scumsoft

[DaveL]

Dear Mildred

Oi erd that Scomsoft be lurin ye ter their offices. Ye shuld be very careful abowt this. Perhaps ye wuld like ter meet me befor hand loike so I can accompany ye ter prevent any misdoins. Oi av a loverly ouse by the river wear we can meet in safety.

Yours respectfully and oping ter be o service

Arthur Three-Sheds Senior

Well thankyou so much Arthur. By the way, I was just checking my junk mail account. Can you tell me why 95% of them start with Re:Hi.

Oi don't get many visitors at the Aged Care Facility deary. So when I get all these messages, O'im overjoyed dearies.

Also, what's wrong with the spelling of you young folk.
Can't you spell Viagara properly? Oi keep gettin'

VlhAGRA
VltAGRA
VzIGARA
VIuAGRA

Put that word processor away and start learning the 3R's dearies. And when I say Rs, I don't mean you bloomin pirates either!

Regards,

Mildred

[The Black Spot]

Dear 'Elpdesk

I 'ad a problem recently where me machine wouldn't boot up.

On yer advice I installed a new hard drive an' loaded the latest copy o' Portholes.

Later, I discovers that the problem were caused by a jam tart that me cabin boy had shoved in the CD drive.

Can I get me money back yer blaggards?

Yours

Cap'n Miffed.

[Black Bart]

Dear Capn Miffed

If that be 'ALL' yer cabin boy be doin with tarts ye should be thankful!

Your ever faithful servants

Scumsoft

[DaveL]

Dear Scumsoft,

My 16 year old son keeps downloading Take-the-Lot* videos off R-Tube. Should Oi be concerned that me sons music tastes. Will pirate rock corrupt him?

Yours sincerely,

Mrs Bertha Uppington-Twatty

*That hideous pirate boyband

[Black Bart]

Dear Bertha

I wouldn't be worried that your son is interested in 'Take the Lot', but I would be concerned that he has developed an unhealthy interest in 'boy bands' at such a critical age. I believe that is how Captain Cronan started and look what happened to him!

If this continues I would suggest enrolling your son in a 'cabin boy' apprenticeship. We at Scumsoft happen to offer an on-line cabin boy beginners course at a competeive rate.

Yours truly

Scumsoft

[The Black Spot]

Dear Scumsoft

Me nephew enlisted on yer Cabin Boy Apprenticeship an' it has changed 'im beyond recognition.

Instead o' learnin seamanship, all 'ee seems to 'ave learned is 'ow to swear fluently an colourfully. 'Ees also developed a strange, bandy-legged walk that I don't like the look of.

Is this normal after the first day?

Yours

Cap'n Cough

[Bluenose]

Dear Cap'n cough,

We fail to see your problem.

Could you please tell us exactly what the problem is so that our highly trained technicians can assist you?

Ima Twit
Manager
Scumsoft Helpdesk

[The Black Spot]

Dear 'Elpdesk

I decided t' put a wireless network in me ship. Trouble is, no-one be able to access the Intership unless they be less than two feet from the router. 'ow does I fix this?

Yours

Cap'n Nosurf

[Black Bart]

Dear Capn Nosurf

Did yer wireless network kit include the Dynamo Crank Handle Part 9854, 2 Ton Coil of copper wire Part 3452 and the emergency loudspeeker Part 3987?

If not you can purchase these additional items at a cost of 50 dubloons and you will recieve a free CD of 'Around the Horn'. CD Drive not included.

Yours,

Scumsoft

[The Black Spot]

Dear 'Elpdesk

Are ye tryin' to tell me that the only reason ye call yer network "wireless" is because ye don't put any wire in the box?

I'll be round in the mornin' to offer yer a job.

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Cap'n Nosurf

Av ye checked yer ports? Routers be a devil fer ports.

If ye aint appy wiv surf-in, wait fer the tide ter go out.

Ex-Scumsoft Employee
Free Starter Support Service
One Day Only
If you like us we pay you you pay us

[Black Bart]

Dear Scumsoft

I be readin an article in the PC World (Pirate Computer World) magazine t'ther day what said Scumsoft be developin a complete computerized ship's navigation and steerin system.  In fact Scumsoft will be supplyin the entire computerized ship.

YYYAAARRRGH...if this ship be runnin loik me Scumsoft Computer that means:

a. For no reason whatsoever, your ship will crash twice a day

b. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your ship will lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the gang plank, turned the wheel and grabbed hold of the anchor!

c. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a turn to port would cause your ship to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

Yours,

a Concerned Midshipman
 

[Bluenose]

Dear Snotty,

Ye been readin that nasty propaganda bein spread by those 'orrible "open sauce" zealots pushin' Buccanux ov'r at PC world, aint ye?

Scumsoft has ov'r 125% o' th' piratical cumpooter market, as resently calculated on the new Scumsoft LootCalc^TM handy hook mounted ransom calculator.  All those other pirates can't wrong, can they?

Scumsoft