Scumsoft 'elpdesk

[Black Bart]

Dear Scumsoft (all scum and not very soft if ye ask me!)

What browser should I use with Portholes 76 for optimum performance?
a. Crowsnest 4
b. Portholes Navigator 5

or c. Lookout 3.5

   

[The Black Spot]

Dear Bart

Choosin' a browser be a difficult thing. Have ye considered tryin' Ferfoxsake? We can supply a copy for 200 dubloons (plus callout charge).

Oh, ye'll need a new hard drive as well.

Scumsoft

[Black Bart]

Dear Scumsoft

Apologies in advance fer Cross Threading but if ye cost me any more cash I'll bring me Very Hard Drive round the Helpdesk and shove it roight up yer...

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Scumsoft

Can yer tell me which cookies be best?

Oi'm finkin of installin a few enticin-finger-lickin cookie buttons on me laptop fer me crew ter stop em gettin the ones Oi dont loike.

ShipChef Treadmill

[The Black Spot]

Dear ShipChef Treadmill

Ye should always be careful when installin' cookies on yer machine. Contrary to popular opinion, these things take up loads o' room. My advice be that ye pop down to one o' our service centres an' get yerself a new, bigger hard drive installed immediately. We has a special offer on this week - 450 dubloons should see yer sorted out. Fer now anyway.

Scumsoft 'Elpdesk

[The Black Spot]

Dear 'Elpdesk

I had t' change me mouse last week as the ball got gunked up with blood grease.

I fired up me machine, an it said "Your computer configuration has changed. Portholes XP needs to be reactivated to be valid for this machine. Reactivation period expired, please purchase a new copy of Portholes from your local retailer. Have a nice day."

What be all this about?

Yours

Cap'n Stuffed

[Calico Jack]

To Cap'n Stuffed

This be an automated message, please do not respond to the originator of this message as he died in 1745.

You need to purchase Portholes XP Patch 'We will rip you off.exe' for 200 Dubloons.  You will pleased to note that this patch does not conflict with existing software on account that it doesn't do anything.

Thank ye fer calling Scumsoft elpline now git back to sea an stop bothering us yer filthy varmint.

[Black Bart]

Dear Elpdesk

Ye sent one o yer Technician/IT support people round t'other day to fix me broadband. As he came up the gang plank his box o tools sort of unbalanced him and he fell over board!  When I finally got me crew to stop laughin (by strong use o the cat), I sent me second mate down to rescue the poor beggar. Sadly, his luck was out as he had fallen next to the Excess Fish Head Stew outlet.  On the positive side, we managed to salvage his box o tools and we sorted the problem ourselves.

Yours Truly

Capn Alaine B'stard

[The Black Spot]

To: Capn Alaine B'stard
From: Scumsoft elpdesk

Re: recent technician's visit

It has come to our attention that during a recent service visit, one of our technicians died after he was drowned like a rat. You should be aware that the toolbox he was carrying contains some very valuable tools and is the property of Scumsoft.

We take the loss of these tools very seriously. Please sent your remittance by return of post.

Sincerely

Sumsoft

[Black Bart]

To: Capn Alaine B'stard
From: Scumsoft elpdesk

Re: recent technician's visit

It has come to our attention that during a recent service visit, one of our technicians died after he was drowned like a rat. You should be aware that the toolbox he was carrying contains some very valuable tools and is the property of Scumsoft.

We take the loss of these tools very seriously. Please sent your remittance by return of post.

Sincerely

'Sumsoft'

YYYAAARRR I noted the mis spellin o Scumsoft there ye blaggard...this be clearly a phishing spam e mail loik the one I got about me 'BAAAAARRRGHKLAYS' credit card.  I aint fallin fer it ye blaggards. 

[The Black Spot]

Dear Capn B'stard

I am in receipt of your reply to our letter dated 10/11/76.

Your reluctance to settle your account puts us in a very difficult position.

I therefore have no alternative but to send the boys round.

Have a nice day

scumsoft

[DaveL]

Dear Scumsoft,

Everytoimes Oi log on to me email account, Oi gets these spam messages sayin' Oi've got male impotence problems, O'im not a good lover and Oi 'ave problems pleezin' a woman.

As Oi be an 80 year old married woman, they are absolutely right on all three counts... well at least last time Oi checked.

Anyways, O'id like to thank 'em for caring so much about me health problems. Can yer help me contact em, as O'ive got lots of toime to respond to their most helpful letters.

Koind Regards,

Mildred Hubble
c/- Portmouth Aged Care

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Mildred

I hope ye wont mind me bein on first name terms, but I feel such warm feelings towards ye.

I don't wish to alarm you but have you considered these emails you be getting be sent by Scumsoft theirselves?

Ye should allus be cortious oo ye talk ter on the internet and I would be appy ter advise yer ow ter take care o yerself.

Yours respectfully and oping ter be o service

Arthur Three-Sheds Senior

[Black Bart]

Dear Scumsoft,

Everytoimes Oi log on to me email account, Oi gets these spam messages sayin' Oi've got male impotence problems, O'im not a good lover and Oi 'ave problems pleezin' a woman.

Mildred Hubble
c/- Portmouth Aged Care

Dear Mildred

We humbly apologise for the mis-direction of this e mail which was not intended for you. It should have gone to Big Ron after his unfortunate incident with Pirgella's maids. 

In compensation for the affront we appear to have caused you, can we offer you a guided tour of the Scumsoft Offices and a free lunch at the Admiral Benbow.

Our Humble apologies,

Scumsoft

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Mildred

Oi erd that Scomsoft be lurin ye ter their offices. Ye shuld be very careful abowt this. Perhaps ye wuld like ter meet me befor hand loike so I can accompany ye ter prevent any misdoins. Oi av a loverly ouse by the river wear we can meet in safety.

Yours respectfully and oping ter be o service

Arthur Three-Sheds Senior