Scumsoft 'elpdesk

[Bluenose]

Ahoy there all modden pirates!

Iffen ye be 'avin trubble wiv yer Portholes XP or yer Great Cabin Suite, call our 'elpful, 'ighly traned and respeckful tecknishuns oo are eeger to 'elp ye owt.

[The Black Spot]

Dear 'Elpdesk

Ev'ry time I be downloadin' a big video file (fer personal use only) I gets a blue screen when it gets to 99%. It then wipes me 'ard drive an' I hast to start everything from scratch again.

Trouble is, Scumsoft an' Microswab only supply R-mail addresses. 'Ow can I find a real live throat to get me 'ands round?

Cap'n Miffed

[Black Bart]

Bart: AARRRGH be that ye Scumsoft elpdesk?

elpdesk (Bombay): pleese to be holding line sahib...

Bart's put on hold with Sitar/Captain Pugwash music playing...

elpdesk: Can we be having your post code sahib?

Bart: I aint got a bleedin post code ye landlubber I be a pirate!

elpdesk:  Name of ship sir

Bart: The Big Brenda

elpdesk:  How can ve help you sahib?

Bart:  AAARRGH...I was playin 'Pirate Quake 5 online  t'other night and some blaggard took out me Gallion with his BFG!

elpdesk:  OK Mr Bart you'll be wanting the address of this person so you can exact a terrible revenge?

Bart:  YYYAAARRRRRRRRRRRR!

[Bluenose]

Mr Miffed, you should not be visiting those sorts of web sites.

The "problem" you describe is an undocumented feature in Portholes XP which prevents your computer from being attacked by a virus and being damaged.  Unfortunately, there is a known problem in the code which causes the hard drive to be wiped and is fixed in Update ARGH12-49618-GOTCHA-4756098 which you can download from the Scumsoft security centre.

Scumsoft values its customers and prides itself on providing only the best for our pirate friends.  Please accept our offer of a free bug patch programme, Portoles Update which will automatically install all the latest bugs directly from the Scumsoft servers.

Have a nice day.

[The Black Spot]

Dear 'Elpdesk

I's bin sendin' millions o e-mails to people tellin' them how to make their peglegs thicker an their mainsails larger. Does Scumsoft have a method to 'elp me send 'em out faster?

Yours

Cap'n Lumberjack

[Bluenose]

Dear Cap'n Lumberjack,

Fer a small fee, Scumsoft can previde you with the secret access codes that allow you to use the "back hatch" built into every copy of Portholes XP and allows you to utilize the inbuilt zombie program to help spread your valuable messages.

Just click on the following link and the codes will be automatically downloaded into your computer.
http://www.how-gullible-is-this-fellow.scumsoft.com/empty-his-bank-account.php

Thank you for using Scumsoft

[DaveL]

DEAR SCUMSOFT,

I AM A NIGERIAN BANKER OF ILL REPUTE AND THE SON OF PRESIDENT MOBUTO SESE SEKO.

IF YOU WOULD BE SO KIND I WOULD LIKE TO DEPOSIT 80 MILLION DUBLOON IN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT FOR A SMALL PERIOD. FOR YOUR TROUBLES I WILL GIVE YOU 1 MILLION DUBLOON.

I AM MOST GRACIOUS FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE, GROVEL, GROVEL, GROVEL...

KIND REGARDS,

MPENZA SESE SEKO
WEST NIGERIAN BANK

[Bluenose]

Memo
~~~~

From: Elpdesk Manager

To: Chief Financial Controller

'Ere, Johnno,

Smiggins down in accounts as got his revenue program all outer kilta agin.  We jest received wun o' iz "Nigerian" letters in the elpdesk inbox.

Could you go down an get im ter fix the blaggard thing so it uses the customer database, not the employee one?

Nongo
Elpdesk Manager

[Calico Jack]

I be the famous Kazakh Pirate BoratBeard. I have just earned 1 Billon Dubloons by pillaging and plundering through America and would like some advice on internet banking where I can securely store my ill earned fortune.

Please help me infidels or you will be the victim of a thousand cuts.

[The Black Spot]

Dear Boratbeard

Naturally, ye be a little cautious about where to store such a king's ransom. I kin heartily recommend the "Scumsoft Savings Trust".

It be the safest place to put yer money. In five years, no-one's managed to get a penny out o' it.

Jim Fatcat

Scumsoft Financial Advisor
Ye Big Mansion
Beverly Hills

[Griffin NoName]

Dear elpdesk Big Bodd
Oi av three problems
ONE
Oi bin sendin yer a million emails a day an no reply. Me problem is Oi can't receive emails. Ow many do Oi av ter send ter get an answer to me problem?
TWO
Me laptop keep rebootin itself wen Oi be trying ter kill sonic hedgehog. Yer scumbag elp desk lad be tellin me that be a featuuure. Ow do Oi get it downgraded ter a bug so as Oi can get ter kill the little varmint?
THREE
Can yer forward a message ter that MPENZA SESE SEKO at the
WEST NIGERIAN BANK? Oi appen ter av a bank on me ship an wuld be interested in doin busines wiv im.

Thanks fer yer elp wot I trust yer will be givin me.
Treadmill-Dow-Jones

[Black Bart]

Dear Scumsoft elpdesk

I has purchased one of yer 'Scumsoftpods' to download all me favourite sea shanties onto.  Can I get a noice Skull n Crossbones skin for it and when be the Skumsoftpod nano comin out?

Yours Yo Man Capn SoSolidCrew 

[Bluenose]

Dear Treadmill-Dow-Jones,

we have emailed you full instructions on how to fix your problem.

Your ever helpfull Scumsoft 'elpdesk operator



Dear Cap'n SoSolidCrew,

The skull and crossbones skin is available for purchase from out Accessories Dept.  I have taken the liberty of placing an order on your behalf and the amount of 2,097.99 Dubloons has been automatically deducted from your credit card.  the skin has been despatched by Cronin Couriers and should arrive within 12 weeks.

The Scumsoftpod Nano should be shipping some time soon.

Yours incincerely

Scumsoft 'elpdesk 

[The Black Spot]

Dear 'Elpdesk

Me e-mail crashed the other day. I phoned scumsoft  an' they said I had t' buy another bigobyte o' memory. They installed that, but now me machine won't run minesweeper proper. On scumsoft's advice I bought a new motherbeard but it still won't run "Scumsoft 'Earts".

What do ye recommend?

[Bluenose]

Dear Mr Spot,

Yarr!  Well yer 'ard drive needs ter be replaced wiv an all-new Scumsoft Fast Ultra Wide SCUMSI III 15 Terrorbite drive, available fer only 10,397 Dubloons plus 150 dubloons post and packagin.  Installashun can be arranged boi yer own scurvy tecknishun or Scumsoft can do it fer you fer jest 1,000 Dubloons.

Glad ter be o' service,

Scumsoft Elpdesk