The Captain's Blog

[Bluenose]

Capn's Log Supplemental 30/1/1777

Yarr, ye neede ter install an egg-nishner inter yer ship ter keep th' tempratchure down.  That will stop ye maggots from ternin into blowies.

[Black Bart]

Capn's Blog Astroid Date 2/2/77

YYYAARRRGH...Bleedin first mate let a sawbones in to assess me health arter I spent two months solid tryin to beat the frogger Score.  He looked orrified when he saw me hunched over me Scumsoft G5 thrashin the arse of me cabin boy who was workin the controls, blisters on all his fingers, eyes bloodshot, emaciated...

Sawbones demanded I give the lad some rest...I reluctantly agreed so he be back on Fishe Stewe tastin duty till he recovers his health!

[Black Bart]

Capn's Blog YARR date 8.2.77

YYYAARRRGH...I be sailin around the Western shores of the Isle of Wight when the lookout spotted the flag o the Black Spot (a Skull and cross bones with a big black pistol hole in the forehead!) flutterin ahead.  As we passed close by we hobserved Capn Black Spot merrily Keel haulin some of his crew and shoutin out: "Cast me adrift would ye mutinous blaggards!"

I turns to me first mate and sais: "Must be his birthday again, he loikes a good keel haulin on his birthday!"

[The Black Spot]

Capn's Log Supplimental

Gah! I turns me back fer a couple o' days an' I can't find nuffink. It's all bin moved about. Still some things never change - Bart's still puttin' the hours in at the Arcade, an' DaveL still be top o' the Simon game. Mind you, I thinks DaveL's score will still be top when hell freezes over.

[Griffin NoName]

Capn's Log Nocturnal

Oi bin wunderin if DaveL is really Simon maskeradin under a false moniker.

[Black Bart]

Capn's Log Yarr date 21.2.77

Thar I was reclinin on deck, glass o rum punch in me hand, dusky wench massagin me forelock, baskin in the glow o Arcade domination...

Suddenly, the look out cries: The Black Spot's flyin out a message in semaphore:

"Hingland hexpects Bla Bla Bla...Beat yer Simon Score Harr Harr Harr..."

Staggered I grabbed me eyeglass and gazed upon the rampant ship.  The Black Spot's crew all lyin about in a deathlike swoon, gibberin loonatics, poor baskets, the men all painted from head to foot in either red, green, blue or yellow paint...

I did not think even he could be this cruel!

....

Right men get the Dulux out, we've got a challenge on our ands!

[Black Bart]

Ye Chronicle of Sir Bartalot

Part One: Ye Mornin arter ye Knight before...

Sir Bartalot hath returned from his highly successful Quest to find the Holy Grail...it wasn't difficult, there were 6 of them and they camest in the post!

Bartalot: <Groans> verily mine head durst throbeth...I have a strange memory of Golden Haired maidens floating down to me with a shining cup...no hang oneth, verily it was a shining tray with...Oh no, not 6 bottles...6 bottles of Holy Grail Ale and a Valiant Vindaloo! 

Sir Bartalot's page appears at the chamber door...

Page: Morning Sire, whilst thow be questing today?

Bartalot: Clearest off ye little Tike and telleth the minstrels to blow offeth somewhere else...OOOOHHH My head doth spliteth in twain!

Page: Shall I tell the Princess Brendallavere to give you a rub down sire?

Bartalot: HMMMMMMMMM...That soundeth good, but pray tell her not to sing rugby songs like she usually does! Now go and fetcheth the chilled toilet tissue...

[Aggie]

 

[Griffin NoName]

  Five grails too many perhaps 

[DaveL]

YArrrr date 1707.

Place: Portsmouth Art Gallery

Event: The Masters of Portsmouth

YArrr, wots the world comin to? All these hoity toity types in black skivvies lining up 3-deep to view summit Oi can barely comprehend. A squiggle here, a line there, is it really because these arty types arn't getting enough 'in-the sheets' action at night?

If these blokies just spent more time down at Fifi's they wouldn't need to excise all their frustrations with a piece of canvass. Except Tolouse Lautrec of course, who really did hang out at a place like that.

Yarrr, you can gives me a copy of PlayBilge any time. Now that's art! And it doesn't have one thing to do whatsoever wif being deprived of any 'horizontal folk dancin'. No sir! No not a bit....

Not one single bit. None at all....Ok, Oi can see you don't believes me...but yewl just haves to trust me.

Yes me, a life time susbscriber...YArrrr...Oi think Oi'll just go and stand over here now...

[The Black Spot]

Capn's Log: Yarrr Date 30/4/1707

I were walkin' along the street this mornin' swiggin' back a bottle of Captain's Delight, when everything starts movin' about like. Well I knows what's comin' next, so I runs into the nearest building (the art gallery) lookin' for a khazi. Needless to say, I didn't find one, an the old Captain's Delight worked its usual stuff an' I launched a high-powered high-pressure chunder all over this big paintin' on the wall.

Bumped into Cap'n DaveL later. 'Ee said loads o'them arty types were studyin' it an' marvellin' over the "dazzlin' use o' textures" an' the "subtle nuances o' colour".

I think I may 'ave found a new racket.

[Black Bart]

YYYYAAARRRRRR...That be an absolute load o Pollocks!

[The Black Spot]

Ye stupid Constable.

[Black Bart]

Capn's Blog Yarr date 25.5.76

BBBBRRRRRRRRRRRR...tis freezin!

AAARRRRGGHHBERG 101 hidin amongst a flotilla of icebergs just off Greenland.  The men are gettin fed up of wearin the penguin outfits...four of em ave been killed and roasted by hungry esquimos...ye just can't get the staff these days!

Main drawback of the 101 is it's tendancy to stand out against a background of palm trees and windsurfers!  Come to think of it ye don't get many icebergs in Portsmouth either...AAAARRRGH, will I ever set foot in blighty again?

[Aggie]

Head over to Hans Island, matey - there's a bottle o' brandy there for ye's, but mind you leave the whiskey alone.

Or p'raps we should just send Cap'n NoName to devour the Danish.