The Captain's Blog

[DaveL]

Rovaniemi 4.12.06

Me scoutin' team hidin' out in the Arctic Circle has spied a great deal of activity. Elves buzzin' here, dwarves running there.

Saw Santas sled bein' fitted with anti-aircraft missile decoy flares and 4 x 500kg bombs wif special messages for Bart, DaveL, Spot and Tansy written as follows:

Dear  - - - -

Please find attached a little something special for the Festive Season.

Merry Christmas!

Love Santa

YArrr...after all we've done to him, he still thinks of us. How sweet!

[Black Bart]

Capn's Yuletide Log 4/12/76

Spotted Dave L's Scoutin Party staggerin drunkenly accross the icy Lapland Wilderness...shoutin 'Where's beardy and his Red Nosed pal?' Stupid Bastids nearly blew me cover when one o the clots called over:
'I'm sure that Reindeer looks loik Black Bart!'

Four days into me secret hoperation and I be blendin in with the others well.  I be gettin a bit sick o the oats and hay (especially as I suffers from Hay fever!), and a problem be developin with the reindeer behind me, Blitzen...he's taken a fancy to me rear end and I be dreadin the long flight to Europe!

[DaveL]

15.12.06

Sydney Headlands AA Battery - Progress Report

1. Radar Operational  - CHECK
2. 'Big Brenda' Super Gun Operational - CHECK
3. Copious 450mm Ammunition Supplies - CHECK
4. Supplementary Bomb Shelter (in case he fires back) - CHECK
5. Rescue Boat - UNCHECK
6. Life Saving Equipment - UNCHECK
7. Reindeer Resuscitation Gear - UNCHECK

Come on Big Boy!! If yer survive yer journey across the North Pole, 'The Big Brenda' will be waiting for yer.

See yer on the 24th December, Chubby Chops.

Love
Capn DaveL

[Black Bart]

Capn's Yuletide Log 15/12/76

YYYAAARRRR I has pumped Santas Sleigh full of condensed Fishe Heade Stewe. In it's frozen state the Stewe will remain armless, but as he flies into the warmer air above Europe...BOOOOOM!

I will have pulled me quick release harness long before that, twill be a surprise fer the other reindeers, especially that Red Nosed bugger.

Should Santa somehow survive the detonation twill be over to Dave L.

[DaveL]

Plow the skies with guns and rockets - Falalalalalalal-arrgghh
Santa will get blown out of his socket - Falalalalalalalarrgghh
On the 24th of December - Falalalalalalalarghh
Pirates will give 'im a night to remember - Falalalalalalalarrrghh

[Griffin NoName]

Gave me first lot of xmas gifts ter me crew. They be complainin it be a bit early but now Oi can re-use ther gift wraps fer me second load o gifts.

[Black Bart]

Capn's Xmas Log 19/12/06

Twere me birthday yesterday (true - 25 agin) and the crew all clubbed together ta give me a celebration.  I enjoyed it all in all, but arter about alf an hour me arms started to ache what with pointin me heavy pistols at em!

[Griffin NoName]

Arrived at Chrissmus Island terday after a long and stormy passage. It be stripped o Chrissmus trees. Shockin. Me first mate be checkin awt the Travel Inn as ther dont seem to be much else goin on. It be dead quiet an no sign of any festivities. Yer can't rely on anything these days.

[Black Bart]

Capn's Post Yuletide Log 28/12/76

Did we get the hairy brute this toim?

[DaveL]

24.12.06

Location: Sydney Headlands, Coastal Anti-aircraft battery.

Notes: (yarrr, the toimes are slightly 'out of whack' due to me festive celebrashuns)

1800: Skies all clear, word from Black Bart - fishhead stew, administered successfully. Heading for Europe.

Open a nice bottle of rum.

1830: News: Black Spot's galleon engages Santa over Portsmouth. Several escort sleighs are downed in the English channel. Santa alters course for Canada.

Time for some egg nog.

1930: News: Tansy and Agujim engage Santa in a Pirate sleigh, towed by drunken varmints. The effects of the stew are noted. Santa's sleigh wobbling frantically.
Tansy has trouble taking aim, instead taking Prancer and Blitzen out.

Time for the Xmas turkey and heavy pudding.

2200: Notes: Radar picks up Santa over Australian East coast. Adjust picture to fit the 'blip'on the screen. Anyone for Guiness?

2230 zzzzzzzz '...all is calm, all is bright'...zzzzzz...hic..hic

2245 Radar blips are going beserk, spotted the bugger!! Several elves begin dive bombing and we hit the deck. Flotilla engages, several elves downed.

2250 In a drunken stupor Oi fired the Big Brenda at sumthin' yellin 'Yohoho, your toast DaveL'...
Suddenly there is silence...

2255 Santa not spotted by Bluenose in Melbourne. Time for a fizzy vitamin B.

0000 zzzzzzzzzzzz...hic...zzzzzzzz...burp...zzzzzzz.

[Black Bart]

Capn's Post Yule Tide Grog 4/1/77

Note to myself:

Don't let Gunner (formerly chief engineer) Scotty mix the condensed Fishe Head Stew concentrate next toim!

Note to ship's carpenter:

New peg leg needed sharpish!

Note to ship's cook:

Venison for supper again.

[Black Bart]

Capn's Log Supplemental 16/1/77

Written by Bosun as Capn be indisposed

The Capn has locked himself in his Cabin.  No, no, the cabin boy's not in there with him, it be that darn Scumsoft computer!  He's given orders not to disturb him till he's beaten Spot's score on snake! Thar be strange noises emergin from the porthole...Capn's got someone in thar with him tho...sounds like... Homer Simpson?
"Doh, Doh, Doh, Doh, Doh..."

[Calico Jack]

From the Log of Capn' Calico Jack from the Summer of 69

Location off Cornwall near the Sicily Isles

"Many years ago we had to take refuge from Storm Force Winds in the harbour of a remote island. I sent a landing party aboard to get provisions and wipe out the local population, they never returned. 

I sent another party ashore the following dawn leaving me alone on me ship. All that night all I heard was the sound of the wind but then something more sinister.  Howling wretched screams, it were the sound of men being tortured.

What was I ter to, in the end I took me last dinghy and sailed ter shore.  Of me men there was no sign except for a message scrawled in the sand.

YE MEN ALL BE DEAD,THIS BE THE SECRET ABODE O THE PIRATE YE KNOW AS CRONAN. GO NOW AND WARN ALL SEAFARERS TER STAY AWAY.

Then the incoming tide washed away the message an I jumped on me dinghy an escaped back to me ship.  As soon as the winds dropped I was away from that ghostly place and back to civilisation.

This be a warning to ye all, whatever yer do stay away from the Sicily's an especially from the Beast known as Cronan"

[Black Bart]

Capn's Log Supplemental 16/1/77

Written by Bosun as Capn be still indisposed!

Capn, Capn...Ye ship has run aground on some god foraken shore of Cornwall.  Ye know what appened the last toim we came to Cornwall...Capn, Capn!

I puts me ear to the door o the Capn's cabin but all I could hear was: 'Doh, Doh, Doh...YYYYAAARRRGH, drat these snakes me up arrow key's fallen off again!

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Oi haven't bin arounds much. O'ive been gettin me prized maggot ready for the big race - The Grand Wriggler.

Every mornin' me and me prized maggot 'Pupatin' Princess ''aves bin up at the crack of dawn. Then it's off to the gymnasium, where Oi put me PP through a torturous weights session.

Then it's off for a run along the beach 'Hup Two Hup Two' (cue music from Rocky)....

Then Oi takes her down to the sports pyschologist, who puts her through a number of visualisation sessions.

'Picture yourself wriggling across the finish line...'

YArrrr...the world of championship maggot racing is a very competitive business.

Now if only Oi could stop her from turnin' into a blow fly...

YArrr!