Once upon a time, a large man trod the streets of Portsmouth...
With his harpoon gun, long grey beard and his glittering eye, not to mention the albatross hung round his neck, distressed oilskin jacket, and even more distressed face there was not much danger of mistaking him for a minor civil servant at the Department of Work and Pensions.
Then there was his habit of fixing passers by with the aforementioned glittering eye, ripping their iPod headphones off, and bellowing in their ear.
"There was a ship ", said he...
...A large ship. A ship so huge that a man standin' by the prow would need an hour to make 'is way back to the stern (and that were runnin'). It were so big that it were rumoured that a man could get lost in the Officers' toilets.
Now this behemoth were sailin' off the coast o' Madagascar with the mission to fill its vast hold with...
...lemurs. Yes, the behemoth had been chartered to that evil zoological genius Mad Squirrel Bobkin. Bobkin planned to capture all the world's endangered animals and hold them for ransom at his secret hide out in the Bermuda Triangle. After Madagascar, Bobkin planned to sail to...
...Antartica, for Bobkin was misinformed that Antartica was named for it's abundance of ants. However...
....they got a bit lost on the way and ended up in Antigua. This huge ship then run aground on some rocks and the crew escaped just in time to see it crushed to pieces by the huge waves.
Antigua was ruled by a tribe who offered to help them build a new ship. First of all they introduced the crew to their chef who had invented a new recipe, his name was B...
...listeringly hard to remember. Legend had it he had done his chefing apprenticeship at Rick Stein's Padstow seafood restaurant, but was found to be so incompetent that he was only allowed to cook with the left over bits and pieces. Nevertheless he became famous with public health authorities the world 'oer on account of the havoc he caused with his...
...special entree dish. Marinated overnight in cabbage water, his baked bean and cucumber cluster was the talk of the catering world.
His big break came soon after when, with the backing of the grateful Andrex company, he set up his first restaurant.
On the opening night...
...the cream of society was there. Lords, Actors, Polictians, some even took their own wives.
Howver the customers who sampled this lavish dish would never forget this evening in a hurry. This is because the Baked Bean used contained a strange ingredient that on consumption resulted in violent stomach pains and an overwhelming urge to go to the....
...library and do research on nautical matters.
One chap, consumed by the baked bean bug, read every shipfaring book in the library. He then found himself growing dissatisfied with his life as a telephone directory proof reader, and decided to embark on a new career on the high seas.
First, he had to find a ship to join. So off he went to "The Dribbling Parrot Hotel" by the docks, and made a few enquiries at the bar. The barman pointed him in the direction of...
...a faded oak door with a strange symbol of a man on it. He went back to the bar, once again trying to make himself heard above the aaarrrgggs, yaarrrrs, and old Bee Gees songs. "No, I mean a boat he said. B-O-A-T."
"Well there be Capn DeathTrap's old ship, tied up over there next to those leaking drums of radioactive waste", said the barman. "I wouldna" (he was part Glaswegian) "sail on 'er meself guvnor" (and part Romford), "on account of her having no promenade deck, and a reputation for..."
...serving up out of date packets of pork scratchings."
The young man rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
"I'm prepared to rough it," he said as he strode manfully towards the rotting hulk.
As he boarded the ancient, creaking gangplank, the fearsome figure of Cap'n Deathtrap appeared.
"Arrr, ye want t' join me crew," he said. "ye'll have to take the position of...
...The Locust.
Lie on your front. Rest your chin on the ground, then move it forward as much as you can, so that your throat lies almost flat. Put your arms by your sides, then push your hands under your body, and make them into fists or clasp them together. Bring your elbows as close together as possible.
Then see if yer can make it up ter the crow's nest without splittin yer.....
infinitives.
The young man, being highly motivated to join the crew, made it to the crows nest without having to use improper grammar. Once there, he rememered the captian's instuctions...Keep a sharp eye out fer...
...buxom wenches, for the 6 month voyage will send a lesser man bonkers.
On the Foc'sle stood a drunken ole Captain with...
...a terrible case of scurvy and an ingrowing toenail.
He kept a watchful eye on the dock, waiting for a certain person to come by. He jumped to his feet when he saw the figure of...
...an uncertain person, he gave a sigh and sat back down, keeping hi eye out for for a certain person. Just when he was about to give up all hope he saw...
... spots before is eyes. AAaaaargh! e shouted "that damned black spot be............
...attacking the roses in the municipal flower beds (placed near the docks by a grateful council, partly in gratitude for the contribution the sailors made to local income, via various shore establishments, but mainly to hide the sight and smell).
The ex-telephone-book-proofreader was getting a little nervous by now. One or two things he had noticed about the ship bothered him. Finding a haggard old sea dog on the deck, he traced up its lead to its owner, and decided to raise his concerns with the gap-toothed, unshaven, heavily tatooed, muscular lady he encountered.
"I was just wondering", he said, groping for the right nautical term, "why the ship seems to be listing to stern, something I've not seen before".
"Arrgggh, she been like that since the abolition of slavery in Capn. Deathtrap's great-great-great (five times removed and five times got back again) grandfather's time said the crone.
Since then the for'd hold's been used for makeweight cargo, tyres, rubber goods and things for the weekend sourced from the Malay jungle, for delivery to a garage and chemist shop in Surbiton High Street. It's a steady trade, but the weight's not the same.
"Ah, right" he said. "I also couldn't help noticing a line of footprints painted around the deck, going round the complete circumference of the ship".
"Arrgh, that be the Plimsoll line" said the crone.
Something about this answer perturbed him, but before he could work out what, he looked over the side and noticed...
...a well-born lady with a parasol walking up the gang plank.
"Pardon me," she said, "but has anyone seen my poor cat Wiggums? He..."
was lured out the catflap by an exceptionally raucous parrot that sat in my aspen tree and squawked out rude comments all day. Wiggums is a Sweetie Precious Mummy's Wiggum-Biggums, and I shall shortly swoon into a dead faint if I cannot...
...hold him and pet him and hug him and...Well I really need to find him."
At this point she notices that the old sea dog has a tuft of tabby colored fur sticking out of the side of his mouth. The lady faints dead away, falling onto...
...a chaise longue, conveniently being carried into Madame Fifi's Holistic Healing and Massage Centre, by two workmen employed in the ongoing refurbishment program. The work had been in progress for some six years now and was five and a half years behind schedule, but there always seemed to be some new reason why the workmen needed to return each day.
As she was carried down the corridor, she caught a glimpse through the kitchen doors of a chef she could have sworn she had seen once before at a spectacularly unsuccesful municipal function (one of the few her husband had taken her to). "Who is that man pointing at a chicken with his chopper"? she asked the workman nearest her elegantly coiffured head.
"Arrrghh" (he was a part time pirate), "that be ....
...Sinhoff the Parrot, from another Continuous Tale. Sinhoff was a well known adventurer, who traded his roguish life for a stint in the Gourmet kitchens.
Sinhoff was extremely good with poultry, considering he was not far off it himself. His signature dish, reknowned throughout Portsmouth, was his...
...Claude Raffelprise. Ye must o' heard of 'im." The man's voice grew low. "'Ee be the Royal Executioner. Thing's 'ave been a bit quiet o' late, so he comes 'ere and has a bit o' practice by chopping some animals up."
The fine lady didn't like the sound of this at all. "What an awful man," she said. "Tell me, why is he looking at me in that peculiar way?"
"Ah, yer ladyship," said one of the men. "I think he wants...
Gah! DaveL posted the same time as me. Bugger.
dressed bird.
...
Claude decided that everyone was looking at him, so Sinhoff sniffed loudly, and went back to work.
Claude Raffelprise ran a finger over the end of his chopper. "You have a very nice neck m'lady," he said.
"Ummm... thank you," said the fine lady nervously.
"Please, come into the kitchen and see what I am preparing."
The lady looked around, but the two workmen had disappeared. Claude took her hand and led her into the kitchen.
"I don't see anything."
"Ahh," said Claude. "It's something very delicate and small. You need to see it close up to appreciate it. If you sit here, and lean forward a bit - that's it, if you rest your chin on that table... forward a bit more..."
Just then...
...nothing at all happened. This was so disconcerting in a fable consisting almost entirely of untoward sudden interventions, that the chef was totally flummoxed, and stood there with wide open...
...pockets, one filled with bread crumbs and the other with salt.
The lady, thinking quickly, grabbed a handful of bread crumbs and threw them at Claude. One of the crumbs lodged in his throat, starting a terrible coughing fit.
Trying to help, Sinhoff pounded Claude on the back, knocking Claude into...
...a rather shady character who had entered the room and who was covered from head to foot in bandages.
A low gutteral sound came out of his mouth as he reached for a meat cleaver and thrust it into Claude's....
...wonderful Shepherd's Pie, sending mashed potato flying everywhere.
Mmmmmm...'Floor Pie' said...
... Argos, the Robot Pirate, being at an early stage of language acquisition. "Soup poison" he continued and, picking up a large tub of pesticide, began to waddle his way towards the big pans, knocking over Sinhoff and leaving his.....
....prostrate form lying in a puddle of hot soup that had spilled over on to floor. The soup burned Sinhoff quite badly and he jumped up and ran around the kitchen screaming in agony.
Argos sensing the damage he had caused tried to help by thowing cold water over Sinhoff. However he only contrived to make the situation worse as it was not Water that he emptied over Sinhoff it was....
...a bucket of urban legend strength coca cola.
Sinhoff looked in horror as the fizzy liquid began dissolving the wooden floor of the kitchen. It was doing exactly what Sinhoff had been told by his ex wife's youngest sister's best friend it would do.
Sinhoff flapped his wings madly to get rid of the foul, fizzy liquid. In desperation he picked up...
...a copy of Comopolitan and began hitting Argos about the head and shoulders. Sinhoff began yelling for Argos to grab the mop. Argos' speach circuits being rather faulty thought he said "stab the cop".
So Argos picked up a butcher knife, ran outside, and looked for a policeman. Seeing one at the corner, Argos ran toward him and...
...AAARRRGHSKED him the way to St Paul's cathedral for he had heard the bells were enormous thar. The bobby looked in surprise at sinhof...blimey he said, a talkin bird, ye don't see many o them in our fine city, apart from blond ones from Essex with huge...
...wheelbarrows filled with their belongings.
Meanwhile, Sinhoff was still hitting Argos' head with the magazine, yelling, "Not a cop, ye bucket o' bolts. A mop! A mop!"
At this point, Argos turned around and returned to the resturaunt, found the broom closet and pulled out a...
...Motor Operated Pink Amateur Moose On Prozac (bein as is neural learning centre ad never come across Mop A Mop before) an set it off on a wild goose chase across the kitchen. Sinhof, noticin the Mouse wer not professionally qualified, got old of the......
...bucket from the kitchen. It had several holes in it and leak badly. So Sinhoff threw it into the alley behind the kitchen.
Here, a wandering sailor picked it up and took it back to his ship, where he used it to keep his pet rat in. Now this was a very special rat, as it could dance a jig whenever it heard the boson play a tune on his pipes.
One day on deck...
...the sailor was calling for his pet whom he had named Ratty:
"Ratty, Ratty"..."I know I know," said the ship's Captain patting the sailor on the back, "We all get a highly strung after a long voyage with only biscuits and urine to consume...scupper me skiff, look at that a nice juicy Rat..." and with that the Captain grabbed poor Ratty and threw him into the cooking pot!"
The sailor was heart broken but he hadn't had a good meal since he'd consumed a plate of Big Ron's Cumberland sausages back in Portsmouth. The crew enjoyed the Rat stew and sat round the Capstan singing Shanties and letting off enormous...
...fireworks in celebration. They were celebrating because the cook had discovered an unopened bottle of rum in the bilge.
The crew sat in a circle around the bottle. The Cap'n had his tankard in his hand as he looked around at the crew.
"Which o' ye dogs wants some o' this rum?" he thundered.
Everyone shook their heads furiously.
"Good," said the Captain. He opened the bottle, and just as he was about to pour it into his tankard, a crewman ran forward, grabbed the bottle from the Cap'n and glugged it all down...
... There was an unearthly silence, punctuated only by a "hic!" and the noise of teeth being ground. Most of the crew could not recollect seeing the captain such a shade of puce since a young crewman (sadly now deceased) had dropped a cannon (not canon) ball on his foot.
To everyone's astonishment the captain did not explode however, but mastered his rage, and quietly poured himself a large gin from the concealed flask in his wooden leg.
The crew meanwhile sat wondering. What power did this crewman have over the captain, and was it related to his owning a camera with powerful zoom lens? It was clearly time for a discreet search of his cabin, thought the boatswain, sneaking away from the group, a fire-axe in his hand...
..the Captain's parrot 'Sinhof'(for it was he)gave the game away by shreiking:
"Careful with yer chopper, careful with yer chopper"
The boatswain explained he was off to chop up some timber for the galley, cursing sinhof under his breath. He crept down to the crews quarters. En route he noticed Brian the ship's plumber who was busy installing a Water Closet in the Captain's cabin. Spotting the boatswain Brian shouts:
"Can I borrow yer chopper for a minute? - I'm havin a spot of bother with me U Bend." The Boatswain scoffed:
"YYAARRR...the last time you got yer hands on me chopper ye got it wedged in your Faucet!"
Brian scowled: "Give us that chopper or I'll show me monkey wrench right up yer...
...non-return valve. Axeless, the boatswain continued his ever-downward trip to the luxury, non-view, single-occupancy, compact, stateroom where he hoped the crewman had hidden the secrets of his bizarre hold over the captain.
...
As the boatswain continued downward he heard Brian the pumber shout arter him...
"Call that an axe...I've seen bigger choppers on a..."
...slab in Ron's fine butchery establishment. He..."
However his words were lost as The First Mate grabbed hold of Brian and hurled him into the Sea. "Be off with you" he said "This is an 18th Century Pirate Ship, we do not have plumbers on board, our toilet is over the side with not a faucet or ubend in sight.
Just then the Cap'n reappeared "Where is that Boatswain" he said "I need him in my quarters alone for a deep...."
...Heat Musk of Old Sea Dog massage...me rumatism's playin up somethin terrible. We need to call into port to get these drafty windows fixed. Can anyone recommend a good glazier before I get chilblains on me...
...pinkie toes."
You see, the Cap'n was quite tall, and his bunk was rather short. So his feet stuck out from under his blanket and got cold at night.
"I knows a good glazer," said one young man. "He's me brother's wife's uncle's, er...some'at like that, anyway. He makes the finest...
...thinnest glass that you ever saw. 'Tis as delicate as a cobweb - a true work of art".
"What good is that?" roared the Captain. "When we be rounding the Cape an' there be a force 10 blowing an' there be 50 foot waves smashing the ship, I'll be wantin' summit a bit substantial in me porthole."
The young man looked a bit crestfallen. "Well, he also makes...
....stained.....
...aperitif glasses. Yer knows, the one ladies has their dainty licker in."
"Anyways, he made one with a...
...ornately blown...
...bust of...
...Grover Cleveland. He sold it at auction in London. While there he bought a...
...full scale replica of the...
Palace of Westminster, in case he ever...
...got elected as a Member of Parliament. Which is very unlikely because...
... of his extremely large....
tax debt.
He rarely considered
...the price of a dozen eggs, and so was often broke from eating too many omelets.
Meanwhile, the Cap'n had gone to sleep and the boatswain continued his search in the...
...crewman's cabin. It was an unremarkable room, sparsely furnished in general, though perhaps a little over-supplied on the chains and black leather front for the boatswain's personal taste. After pausing briefly to flick through the Playbilge "Asian Mermaids" special edition he had found hidden under the mattress he discovered, (cunningly concealed inside a fake rhinoceros), an old wooden trunk labelled "Davy Jones' locker - to be kept until called for"...
...the boatswain swore under his breath...
"Davy Jones's Locker...by the shavins off me peg leg, it can't be! Why the Captain must be under a curse...that explains why he's got such a small..."
**YArrrr...do Oi smell an innuendo-a-thon comin up?**
...vocabulary. He jus' keep gibberin' away about sumthin', which Oi can't understand.
'YArrr...maybe if yer stopped treadin on his foot, he might be able to speak.'
That voice came from a lovely vision which had entered the room, complete with cooking pot and chcolate laden spatula. Pirgella Lawson, kitchen goddess had returned.
Now then, where is Black Bart and DaveL, we have unfinished business?...
...barely had she finished speaking when the door was flung open and Capn Hossenfeffer strode manfully into the cabin and swept her off her.....
...enormous feet. Her large feet had often come in handy, steadying her when she was hard at work in the galley durin a storm. The big feet also helped to support her massive...
...reputation as a useful midfield sweeper, established when a temporary lull in the catering business led to twenty English caps, and one Dutch.
"You seem pleased to see me" she said, "why on earth...
...did you blighters leave me behind in Portsmouth?
'Arrrgghh...well Pirgella, last time we saw you, you were running the streets stark raving mad with a carving knife' said Bart.
'Oh, yes that. That horrible DaveL broke me heart, dumping me to sing in that Pirate boyband' said Pirgella.
'I've had a good girly chat with Saucy Gert at the Admiral Benbow and I feel much better now.'
....my headache has gone and I think I might even feel up to a bit of.....
...blancmange wobbling and that's just for afters. For the main course I'm thinking of getting out my huge...
carving knife, and cutting into that spectacular...
...pair of...
...pork chops.
Pirella looked around. "Or is there something else that you might fancy instead?" she simpered.
Cap'n H removed his hat. "Arrr..." he said "It's been months since I've had a decent...
...role in the Continuous Briny Fable (or other). P'raps you'll allow me to reacquiant with me former parrot friend Sinhoff.
'We'll erm, I'm sorry to say it Capn H. but Sinhoff got a lady parrot friend these days' said Bart.
'He hasn't seen her for weeks and he's flown over to her place for a...
...bottle of Rum and some...
...aspirin.
"YYYAAARRR", said Capn H. it so appens I've got a terrible migraine from re-appearin in the briny fable, ye wouldn't happen to have a spare aspirin?"
"Sorry", said Bart "The Parrotseatamol!"
THWWWAAAAACK...Bart copped an apple strudle round the ear from Pirgella for usin the same bad joke at least twice in the Briny Fable. Bart had to be rushed to Portsmouth hospital with concussion, threatenin his role as striker in Piratica's Champions League challenge.
"Nurse, nurse you've got to help him," said Capn H, "he's completely sensless."
Nurse: You can say that again...I've tasted his 'Fish Head Stew!' We'll have to check his neural responses, stick this pin in his leg.
Capn H. No response nurse it's worse than we thought...
Nurse: Try the other leg, there's less wood in it!
Unfortunately for Bart Capn H tripped and stuck the needle right into Bart's...
...left...
...gluteus maximus...
...Bart let out a scream and shouted:
"What in the name o Billy Bones hit me?"
Capn H: Twere an apple strudle flyin at about 20 knots, you be lucky to be alive, them Germans know how to make pastry! I think they'd better keep ye in for hobservation me old matey...I'll just go and check on Pirgella...
Bart: YYYAARRR, ye swab ye be hopin to get your hands on pirgella's...
...Telescope. Pirgella having taken an interest in astronomy after spending many hours looking up at the stars whilst in the company of Dave L.
You are not having my telescope screamed Pirgella you want to spy on Fifi's wenches and look up their...
...phone numbers!
Capn H: YYYAAARRRR ye be right...I've been out o this saucy...er, salty tale for so long I be dying for a bit of...
...a storyline."
From the doorway came a sound like someone tearing a pair of curtains in half.
"That's what you think," said Big Ron. "I got you written out once before, and I can do it again."
"Not this time," said Cap'n H whipping out his...
...cosh. Capn H used to be a fair fightin Pirate but he'd learned to fight dirty in his days as a Ice Cream seller in Jamaica.
Big Ron always carried a length of Black Pudding in his pocket (I'm not sure what the other bulge was) it looked like this was goin to be the biggest fight since 'The Rumble in the Jungle' only this was more like 'The Tumble in Portsmouth'.
'I'll teach ye to turn my Briny Fable into a Carry On' said Capn H and with that he clobbered Ron right in the...
...veal cutlets.
Enraged, Ron swung his black pudding like a madman. He flung a handful on mince into Cap'n H's eye, and smashed his pudding over the Captain's head.
Cap'n H was dazed, but he managed to whack his crutch into Rons ample stomach.
Ron looked up and leered. He knew that Cap'n H came from the days when the Salty Tale/Fable was about daring-do and adventure -- he'd never had to deal with innuendo. Ron played his advantage by reaching out and twisting Cap'n H's...
...Rum Flask cork. The Corked popped catching Capn H right in his...
...map dividers.
"Ye blaggard", yelled Cap'n H. He reached into his pocket and produced a rotary hook attachment which he fitted to his stump.
"No yer don't!" shouted Ron as he pulled out his knackwurst and slammed it into Cap'n H's...
...repetitive strain injury wot e got from the briny fable repeatin itself.
Just at that moment who should arrive but Peter Rabbit. Oi said Cap'n H, you bin near Mr Mcgregor's cabbages sonny Jim? Peter Rabbit looked startled and lept onto......
...the table and shouted.
'Dear Pirates, I send a message from one Mr E. Bunny. My master has decreed that any assassination attempt on his or Mr S. Claus shall be regarded as an act of war. Should you persist in firing 256mm supergun shells at us, we will be forced to retaliate.'
But before Peter Rabbit could go on, Big Ron swung his massive salami at...
...the innocent lookin young bunny. To Ron's amazement, however, the rabbit's reactions were lightening quick and he countered Ron's stroke with a razer sharp carrot! Capn H didn't know who's side to join in on, his fight was with Ron but on the other hand he hated Beatrix Potter stories with a vengance ever since they'd refused him permission to be in 'The Tale of Tom Kitten and the Fish Head Stew'. His mind was made up by events as the razer sharp carrot caught him square in the...
navigation bag, ruining a lovely set of colour by number charts of the West Indies he had been working on for weeks. He had just got all the dragons and sea serpents coloured in and was about to begin on the compass roses, now it was all in vain. In a rage Cap'n H grabbed...
... a cauliflower from the bunny's ammo bag and hurled it with great force toward Peter Rabbit and Ron. Cap'n H was in such a fury, that he didn't care who he hit.
The cauliflower ricocheted off a stew barrel and...
...caught Brian the plumber square on his pipe bender. That was it, Brian looked at the califlower, Capn H looked at the carrot, Ron pulled his Black sausage out of Peter Rabbit's...
...ammo bag. Then with an almighty explosion, Black Spot decided to open up on Peter Rabbit with a few rounds from his 460mm supergun.
'You want war, yer buck tooth rodent, yewl get a war, yelled Black Spot.
'Yeah yer bleedin varmint, tell your master and Santa that if they want a rumble with us Pirates, it's game on' yelled DaveL as he lobbed grenades at the 'cute widdle bunny'.
'I shall indeed, said Peter Rabbit' You varmints are gonna pay!!
By now the Pirates were whipped into a bloodlust....
... and were too busy fighting each other to notice Peter Rabbit jumping from the table up to the chandelier. From this lofty position he screamed "Power to the Rabbits", having just passed through Tooting on his way to Portsmouth. He whipped an odd looking beret out of his pocket and put it on his.....
...friend Che Rabbit, the famous left wing leader of the Rabbit's Popular Front. The pirates were too busy scrapping amongst themselves to notice the arrival of Che's heavily armed Storm Rabbits! Suddenly, with a shout of their terrifying war cry: "Nobody Does it Like Rabbits" Che launched his Storm Rabbits into the fray! Ron was so surprised by the attack he let off an enormous...
...methanous emission, which sent the Storm Rabbits scuttling for the doors.
Just then, Capn H. lit a match which...
...spontaniously ignited the heavy brown gas,
KABOOOOOOOM!!!!!!
Big Ron and the pirates all survived the blast with minor burns and smoke inhalation but the rabbits were blown to bits!
Still there was no shortage of rabbit stew for next few weeks. Big Ron sat down to a hearty meal with his new chums, they'd all consumed copious amounts of rum...
Ron: Ye aint such a bad un Capn H.
Capn H: I love you, Big Ron.
Black Spot: Ye sound like a right couple of...
....rabbits
and no sooner were the words out of his mouth than Cap'n H and Big Ron started sprouting long floppy ears and fluffy.....
...tails.
'Nyah What's up Ron?' said Capn H.
'Nyah, you wanna go watch Piratica play The Festive Season All Stars? said Capn H.Bunny gnawing a carrot.
'Sure do...wanna pass me that lettuce'...said Big Ron Bunny
Meanwhile, word of the vicious attack had reached the Easter Bunny...
...Girl. The Easter Bunny girl was a recent addition to Madame Fifi's harem. She was tall, blonde and had the most magnificent pair of...
...Bunny Ears Capn H had ever seen. Big Ron was also smitten by this lapine beauty, infact so smitten was he, he burst into song:
So fair a wench was she
She had me writing ditties
and I could hardly wait
To grab hold of her...
...soft cotton bunny tail...
"...I've never heard it called that before!" said Capn H. "Fair Bunny, will ye come aboard our gallion and take a butchers at our etchins?"
Suddenly, there was the sound of clanking spanners and Brian the Plumber appeared...
"Fair maiden, let me introduce you to Brian the plumber", spake Big Ron, his eyes twinklin like stars.
The Bunny Girl held out her dainty paw for Brian to kiss...
"My good man", said the girl "So you are a plumber, can I see your testimonials?"
Brian was taken aback..."Blimey", he said, and with that he whipped out his...
...wallet and produced a shaef of papers. "Here's all the proof you'll need," said Brian.
The Bunny Girl quickly read through them.
"My, my," she said. "I see that Lady Anthea was particularly impressed with your...
.... monkey wrench. If you can sort out chimpanzees perhaps you'd like to help me with these rabbits that are nibbling my.....
..root vegetable collection. Stop it yer blighters or O'ill tell DaveL, Black Spot and Black Bart where yer be hidin'...
"...just a minute" said the Black Spot, "I've rumbled this, rabbits and a Bunny Girl on board a Pirate Ship...we've been caught by the oldest trick in the Necromancer...she aint no Bunny Girl...she be...A WITCH!!!!!" The rabbits are her familiars...quick lads abandon ship or she'll turn us all into...landubbers!
At that moment the witch shed her Bunny Girl disguise and let out a terrifying cackling...Sinhoff the parrot popped his head out from behind the cask of rum where he'd been havin a kip and cried "What's that terrible noise?" "It be the witch blaring" said Capn H, "and it be worse than one of Big Ron's ...
...shrivelled little...
Blair Witches wot e got from is mate Tony oo as an abit o delivering half.....
...of wot anywun orders an makin up th' diffrense wi' stuff that no-one would want. Tony had started out as a...
...toothpaste model and had worked his way up to a master blagger. He could say any old nonsense, and somehow people would believe him.
His terrible legacy was now apparant as he told Bart that his leg had grown back. Bart believed him totally until...
...his supply of viagra ran out. Then in a terrific storm Bart toppled over and was only saved from going overboard by an amazing stroke of luck...his...
...belt was caught up in the rigging and Bart was totally trapped high above the deck. As Bart's screams echoed over the wild seas a lone seaman heard his cries and set sail for him.
When Bart saw his mysterious rescuer he screamed, no not you, leave me here to die. For Bart's saviour was none other than....
...Garrilous Gertrude, one of Bart's many former girlfriends. Bart had left her weeping at the alter and she had sworn a terrible curse on Bart that one day she would have her revenge. As her skiff drew closer, a now terrified Bart began to...
...tremble in his boots. Gertrude was known around town as the 'de-manhood-inator'. The reason being that any man that crossed her would get their...
...palms read. Gertrude being a fortune teller who had a reputation for unerring accuracy in her predictions.
It was only the few weeks ago that she foretold that Dave L would give Pirgella a....
...dose of nasty medicine as he was going to mistake a bottle of claret for a bottle of cod liver oil which someone had topped up with Ribena. Even though forewarned, DaveL still failed to notice.
Many years before DaveL had bought a dozen bottles of claret when his parrot gave birth to a baby parrot, which he stored away down in the bilge for the baby parrot's 21st birthday. Unfortunately the baby parrot was a very sick little bird and the only thing that got the millet to work its way through his tiny stomach was a dose of claret and Ribena. To save time in the early mornings and late nights, DaveL pre-mixed all the bottles of claret with Ribena and just had to grab one and shove the stuff down the poor birds gullet. Sad to relate, the poor little poppet died and DaveL forgot what was down in the bilge.
Not long after the great prophesy, Pirgella arrived in a great.....
..Fury, wielding a meat cleaver. Pirgella placing two objects together screamed 'See these two onions, this is what I'm gonna do to Bart and DaveL's...
...potato collections!" as she swung the cleaver in a frenzy quickly reducing the onions to a fine dice.
It was DaveL who had introduced Bart to the finer points of potatoes, previously Bart had only collected broad beans. The boys screamed in terror, and ran off to...
....the bilge where he over-indulged in the claret and Ribena unwittingly.
In his confuddled state, he danced around and around until he fell over a crate. Curious, he peered at the labels on the bottles inside. Cod Liver Oil. Dispensed to DaveL for treatment of his crew when on the Turnip Diet. Mix three parts oil to one of Ribena for palatable taste.
Having had nothing but Turnips for the last few years and rekkening to save DaveL a job and gain his favour, he set about mixing all the contents of the bottles of Ribena (he did not know about the claret of course) with the bottles of Cod Liver Oil.
Being a thorough and pedantic lad, he even printed labels: Blackberry Drink for Turnip Diet. Very Calming. You've never had it so good. on all the newly filled bottles using the ancient printing press that had been placed in the bilge by Tiddles long ago.
He also printed a note to DaveL offering him a way to impress Pirgella. This note read Oi hav yer answer to sortin out the lady. He stuck the note on his forrhed which was just as well because, totally exhausted and feeling rather sick, he passed out. He was not discovered until............
...the ship's surgeon came down to the hold lookin for some alcohol to help in a delicate operation what needed to be performed without anaesthetic. The ship's cook had had an unfortunate accident involving zuccinis and a large cleaver. In attempting to chop up the zuccini the idiot had accidentily sliced off his...
...cat's tail. The poor thing was beside herself with pain and anger and promptly lept on me Cabin Boy and clawed is....
...copy of 'From Cabin Boy to Captain' (subtitled '15 years before the Stew Pot') the autobiography of Black Bart just published by 'Ladybird Look and Learn Books'. The cat had ripped out half a page and the cabin boy looked in dismay as the sentence now read: 'For the first 4 years Bart always had a very sore...'
...parrot who always squwarked when Bart...
...attempted to sneak up behind Pirgella to give her a...
....bottle of Blackberry Drink for Turnip Diet. Very Calming. You've never had it so good. For Bart was a considerate and kindly soul and couldn't bear the sight of......
...cats chasing mice on the gun deck so he...
...ran head long towards Pirgella, burying his head between her two wobbling...
...hand maids that Pirgella had recruited to help carry her cullinary wares, and also to help her beat the living daylights out of Dave L if ever she caught up with him. The hefty maidens shoved Bart backwards who stumbled awkwardly crushing several mice before he stuck out a hand and grabbed hold of Big Ron's...
....bottle of Blackberry Drink for Turnip Diet. Very Calming. You've never had it so good wot DaveL ad given im last time e fell over a cat (possibly Tiddles). Bart glugged it down and within moments was rolling on the floor frothing at the mouth and grasping is.......
...nose since he had smashed it on the floor. One of Pirgella's maids started screaming because a mouse had run up her...
...culinary wares...
...and had got its tail stuck in...
...the Big lass's underwear. There was but one way to save the lady from further distress...Big Ron lept up and ripped off her...
.....fantastically valuable pearl necklace. Sure enough she was so shocked she forgot all about everything that had happened up until the moment she felt that huge hairy hand round her.....
...family jewels (for the necklace had belonged to her mother.) She was so mad, she kicked Big Ron in right in the...
...sausage bundle he was carrying...
...at the request of Pirgella who was planning a suprise Dinner for the return of Capn H. Big Ron groaned clutching his...
...lottery ticket. "Has anybody checked me numbers?" asked Big Ron.
Pirgella's maid looked through a newspaper.
"Good heavens," she said. "You've...
.... bin snapped outside Madam Fifi's wiv only yer......
..chipolata covering your...
..chipolata covering your...
...onions and mash. "I'll be ruined" wailed Ron, "I be known for me foine bangers and these little greasy things are not mine. Its a fit up I say" and Ron stormed off looking for the perpetrator of the photograph.
Just then there was a loud bang and Dave L and Big Brenda came crashing through the window of Fifi's. Dave L was in agony as Brenda had a hold of his...
... ear and was tweaking it maniacally. The local Bobby - a new young recruit, named Defenderson - happened to be passin by, on an Increase Your Local Police Presence Initiative at that moment. "Allo, allo, allo, what have we ear?" he said. Just at the same moment DaveL landed a punch right in Big Brenda's........
...half eaten pastie.
Constable Defenderson was covered in a shower of mincemeat, potatoes and cubes of swede as the pastie exploded under DaveL's fist.
"You beast," said Brenda. "I'm going to ram this crust..."
...straight up yer...
...nostril. 'Argghh Brenda, there be nuthin better than a round of fisticuffs wif yer goodself.'said DaveL, picking pastie out of his nose.
All that exctitment made them want to...
...get out the Domino set and have a marathon session with Brenda. No matter how hard he tried Dave L always lost at Dominoes to Brenda as she always seemed to get the Doubles and the Blanks.
However Dave L had a cunning plan to help him win, he plans to distract Brenda by grabbing hold of her...
...hair extensions what she's just had done at Portsmouth's finest hair salon: Capn Sweeny's. The trouble with playin dominoes with Brenda though was, half the pieces got lost up her...
...blouse sleeve. Somehow, DaveL never heard 'em rattlin' around there. And since DaveL tweren't too good at countin', he never noticed the shortage of dominoes on the table.
Anyway, while Brenda was playin' the first domino, DaveL was scratchin' his...
.... left shoulder as his parrot had come unstuck the day before leaving him somewhat itchy. Constable Defenderson noticed and, that week being the Clean Up your Neighbourhood Discarded Needles Week, took a good look at DaveL's shoulder for suspicious needle marks. To his horror he found......
...the number '546 Dartmoor' tatooed on Dave L's skin...does this mean that Dave L is an escaped convict from Dartmoor prison, was Dave L trying to remember a phone number or had Dave L once been a dartmoor pony! There was an easy way to find out if Dave L had any horse blood in him...constable Defenderson chuckled to himself, 'horses have got really huge...
....problems with gnats and DaveL seems to be covered in....
...haddocks from the Men of Portsmouth photo shoot...
.... for the Largest.....
...charity calendar ever to be be produced. If we raise enough money for starving Pirate's families this could become an annual event.
'Can I be in next year's calendar', Pirgella asked Dave L...
'Not really', said Dave, 'the calendar is about the men of Portsmouth dear.'
'Let me rephrase that', said Pirgella menacingly, 'I WILL be in next year's calendar wont I?'
'Allright, allright,' said Dave L with tears running down his cheeks, 'you can let go of my...
...haddock now.
Well if you boys can do a calendar, then so can us girls...me, Fifi, Brenda.
'Yarrrr...there ain't enough fruit in Portsmouth to cover you girls up chuckled Big Ron...
'...who sais anything about covering up', said Pirgella, 'we'll be more than happy to show off our...'
...petunias and melons which we take great.....
pride in mixing in the blender to smear on our...
...large wobbly...
... jellies, not to mention our cute little...
tarts."
The innuendo was flying fast, and Constables, parrots, calendars, Dartmoor and dominoes had all been forgotten in the rush to...
...to see who would be the first to mention Big Ron's enormous...
...spread in the calendar. How they managed to fit him into July the spirit o Davy Jones only knows. Pirgella continued leafing through the Men Of Portsmouth Calendar until she came to the page with Dave L on...she laughed so much she toppled over the side. Her legs kicked up in the air and if she hadn't a been wearin her best Dolchi and Bizmark Knickers the crew would have had a good look at her...
...hip flask she'd strapped to her leg.
'Pirgella, we know you have been havin' a few problems of late, but when did yer start drinkin' so heavily?' said Brenda, who magically appeared.
*NB YArrrr...Oi couldn't think of anything innuendoey, but we'll set it up nicely for another round.
....who magically appeared having been playing a fairy in the Portsmouth Alternative Shakespearian Pantomime Production of Midsummer Night's Mare wearing only a.....
..set of strategically placed band-aids...
...coverin her large pumkins...the sudden appearance of Brenda so scantily clad caused Captain H to choke on his lunch, which happened to be a tasty Lincolnshire Sausage from Big Ron's 'Farmhouse' collection. 'Corrrrr' said Brenda, 'is that one of Big Ron's savouries, can't you give me one?'
Capn H gasped 'Do you want me to slip ye a sausage or are you askin me to give you a...'
..free passage to the Indies on me ship.
There was much chatter in Portsmouth that day. For those who were not at the Big Ron Concert were in dismay at the disappearance on Mayor Keith Liversausage.
Down at the Admiral Benbow, the talk amongst the patrons about the disappearance of Mayor Keith was rife with conspiracy theories.
'I know who did it' said Sinhoff the Parrot...
..."it were..." but no one was listening, everyone was too busy checking out the size of Brendas enormous....
..band aids.
Saucy Gert was busy pulling a few cloudy Lambics for a mysterious cloaked figure and cohorts stooped over the bar.
'Tell that parrot to shut his beak' said the cloaked figure to his henchman, Guido.
'Hey birdbrain, shut your trap' said Guido
'I'd watch your manners with that parrot' said Saucy Gert cleaning the bar 'he's more formidable than you think!'
The hooded figure and his henchmen burst out laughing. 'What's he gonna do, bite me to death?', said Lenny.
Sinhoff flew down to the bar. 'What seems to be your problem gentlemen?' he sqwaked.
'My friend here don't like parrots in bars' said Guido.
'Well, as I'm a regular here Sir, one of us is going to have to leave' said Sinhoff 'and I'm sure it aint going to be me'.
'Well show us what yer got birdbrain' said the mysterious hooded figure...
...Sinhof sniggered...Have at em Capn H...Capn H? Sinhof gulped, he was no longer perched on Capn H's shoulder he was looking down at the delicate form of Harris the cabin boy...
'Oh gawd help us' said Sinhof
'I've got my pen knife, watch out' said Harris...
The hooded figure and his henchman gaffawed with cruel laughter and began to draw out their enormous...
...daggers. But before they could take a swipe, Sinhoff flew across the bar, knocking their beers over.
The entire bar burst into laughter 'Bahawhaw!!'. Guido was covered in beer, while Lenny's pint glass lay upon the ground.
The mysterious hooded figure then pulled out his pistol, but Harris the cabin boy managed a swift kick to a swift quick in the shins.
'Why you rotten little sod' said Lenny 'I'll...
...rip yer head off and shove it up Big Ron's...
...pork cutlet counter.
'Rawrk, I'll show you true respect for parrots yer blaggard!' said Sinhoff sinking his beak into Guido's hand.
Guido screamed loudly and the entire tavern erupted on raucous laughter. Bahawhawhaw!!!
'Let's be gone lads! said the mysterious masked figure. 'This tavern shall from this day be cursed'
'YArrr, be gone wif yer ya, ya stinkin' varmints said Saucy Gert, before I call Constable Timmins.
Meanwhile Constable Timmins was sitting in a zucchini patch admiring the 'saucy vegetable' edition of Playbilge.
'Man, I wish I could get my Zucchini to look like that...
...enormous courgette...just a minute, if it's an enormous courgette it's actually a Marrow!!! Only one person would be so low down as to win a Giant Courgette competition by cheating and submitting a Marrow...
But while constable Timmins was concentrating on his saucy veg mag, he failed to notice a shadowy figure creeping in through the back door and grabbing Harris by his...
...cute cabin boy outfit.
'Excuse me sir, would you please refrain from assaultin' young Harris' said Constable Timmins.
'Paah, codswallop!' said the mysterious hooded figure.
'Sir, if you continue to address me in such a fashion, I'm afraid I'll have to arrest you.' said the good Constable.
Just then, the entire crowd (turned lynch mob) from the Admiral Benbow arrived.
'Run those blaggards out of town' screamed Saucy Gert, waving a pitch fork.
'Yeah, we'll teach you to pick on parrots in a pub' screamed old Percy Lambert.
YEAH LETS GET 'EM!! screamed Sibling Bluenose...
...who with jet propellled peg legs moved quicker than Black Bart at closing time at the Admiral Benbow.
As the lynch mob approached the mysterious hooded figure it made a horrible gutteral sound and then removed his hood revealing....
...the instantly recognisable features of none other than...
...a second hood making his face yet unrecognisable...
...to all but his closest friends.
"Yarr I know who you are" screamed Bluenose, "You dirty scheming lying blaggard Capn......"
"....Crmmphlrkkkmflphhhtt, phhhtttt. Yack, Ptuiii Arrrk." As he spat out feathers and a rather bedraggled looking Sinhoff who for some inexplicable reason had flown full tilt into Bluenose's mouth just as he was about to utter the name. Bluenose was just about to open his mouth again when he noticed the look on Sinhoff's face and decided that discretion was the better plan and turned to the hooded figure and said....
'Bustlin Brian can get yer a really good deal on a new hood' said Bluenose. If yer contact Portsmouth Prison Centre, he'd be more than happy to do a deal wifs yer.' (Bluenose and the entire crowd of 50 sniggered)
Rawrk 'Bustlin Brian's a varmint, Bustlin Brian's a varmint!!' sqwarked Sinhoff.
'Well Mr Bluenose, if you call this unruly lynch mob off me, me and my thugs shall venture forth to purchase sundry clothing items from this Mr Bustlin Brian'.
'Oh yes, he'd love to see the colour of yer money' chuckled Harris...
...from behind the bar, where he was hiding...
The Hooded figure grinned..."The Colour of Money", he said, " That was one of my favourite films...beautifully directed by Scorsese and a great performance by Paul Newman...but I've seen it 23 times, so unless ye happen to have the new directors cut DVD I'll be passin on that offer. Now I'll be off to see Bustlin Brian and by the way my name is Capn...
but the name was drowned out by the sound of an enormous explosion from the direction of the Portsmouth Pirate Public School.
When the noise had subsided, the hooded figure was already heading for the door.
Just as he was about to open the door to leave he tripped over...
...a large piece of shrapnel from the Pirate School's still. He picked up the still warm copper piping, twisted by the explosion.
'Right' he said, 'It's been too long since we had any innuendo...so I'm going to shove this pipe right up Principle Culnane's...
...lectern.
The mysterious figure and his thugs, feeling worse for wear trudged up the hill to the Portsmouth prison. From the hill they could see the Public School fire and a strange 'green haze' in the vicinity of Big Ron's butchery.
'YArrr, this be a very strange town...' he said to Guido his henchman. 'If we empty this prison of all it's inhabitants, this town will be destroyed and our revenge will be had' he snickered.
At the gate, the mysterious figure knocked on the prison gate. 'Who goes there?' said the prison guard 'I am here to see the inmate 'Bustling Brian' said the mysterious figure, slipping 100 dubloon to the guard...
..."what makes ye think I be open to bribes ye scurvy blaggard?" said the guard...
"accordin to me inside information ye be Bustlin Brian's brother in law Quentin and if ye be married to Brian's sister Fanny ye be needin all the dubloons ye can lay yer hands on!"
"Aye ye be right enough Fanny be very expensive in these parts!" Hand over the loot an I'll see if I can let ye slip in...
.. ter sum more appropriate clothing. Them prison lads will have yer guts fer garter if they sees yer in em......
...mysterious looking hoods.
As they walked the corridor, they saw the who's-who of Portsmouth criminal underworld.
'YArrrr, some of the worst maritime scoundrels you'd ever et eyes upon are here' said the prison guard.
When the rounded the narrow passageway, they came to a cell with a rather dapper looking plumber, with a large bearded cell mate.
'Are you Bustlin Brian?' said the mysterious figure...
...no, I'm Hannibal Lecter...who the bleedin ell do ye think I am ye great pile of...
... fluffy lambswool. Cross me hand with silver and I'll knit yer a Devil's Footstool. Cross me in any other way and I'll.....
... twist yer pipe in a knot. Now what d'yer want?"
The hooded figure reached into his pocket and...
...pulled out a large section of pipe.
"I was hoping you could help me with this" said the Hooded figure. "This Pipe was taken from the Toliet System on Black Bart's ship but there is a blockage in it which I can't remove"
"Arrrrrrgh" said Bustling Brian "That is an unusual object stuck in yer pipe, not what you expect in a Toilet system, yes, just as I suspected it is a....."
But before Brian could answer, the mysterious figure pulled back his hood, revealin his true indentity. (cue dramatic music)
It was non other than Bustlin' Brians' identiacal twin brother, Straddlin' Syd.
'Yarrrr, Oi've come to bust yer out yer blaggard' said Syd.
Straddlin Syd, was the evil twin in Brian's household. He succummed to a life of crime at an early age. Brian the good-er twin was offered an apprecticeship with 'Golden Taps' Graverson, where he quickly superceded his masters skills.
Following a stint on a famous lifestyle thread with Big Ron the Butcher, Brian's latent evilness did finally surface during his attempts to ripoff Portsmouth Pirate Public School.
Now he and his brother...
...swiftly made their escape dressed as a couple of washerwomen.
Brian: Where did ye get these bright pink gowns from Syd?
Syd: I got them off some pirate geezer wiv an Aussie accent. We'd better steer clear of the town centre dressed loik this...those sailors can get a bit desperate. I knows a lovely oriental restaurant half a mile from here, we'll head for there.
Brian and Syd sit down to a lavish meal for two...
Brian: Blimey Syd, these Korean meatballs are the dog's...
...vest."
Syd looked bemused. "What's a dog's vest?" he asked.
"Well," said Brian. "I picked up some rhyming slang while I was in the nick. It means they're good. Dog's vest - best!"
"Are ye sure you've got that right?"
"Of course," said Brian. "There's lots of others. Like if I said I was a raving...
....Monster Looney Party candidate once upon a time. And I've decided to take up the call again. From now on I am running on the "Ban Litebulbs" ticket. "Eat Daffs in The Dark". Aaargh! Oi got a few good slogans up me.......
...thank goodness for that, for a minute there bruv I thought you were going to say you are a Raving...
...Lonster Mooney Party.
Just as Syd and Brian left the cell cage. Elroy was overcome with grief and began to cry and bellow.
'Come back Brian, don't leave me...Arghhhh!!!'
Elroy's bellowing alerted the prison guards, who began running down the corridor.
'Quick out through here' said Syd.
Syd's henchmen had prepared an escape route over the prison wall.
Within minutes, Bustlin' Brian was free...
.... sheets to the wind, as he gulped down the contents of the hip flask Syd's henchman had brought with him. He could no more climb the ladder over the wall than spot a Monster Raving Looney in a football crowd. Syd's henchman gave him a good kick in the.......
...(reverting back to Cockney Rhyming slang) Hazels! That will teach you to cast aspersions that I am a complete pipe...
Editor's Note: at this point in the Briny Tale it became apparent that Black Bart was over-identifying with the villain.
...continue...
....teach you to cast aspersions that I am a complete pipe...
...bender! Which is of course cockney rhyming slang for...
...me kitchen blender.
*YArrrr, now where were we again, oh yes hazels*
The escapees boarded a row boat, which went round and round the prison moat. 'Yarrrr, ya peanut we be goin round in circles' said Brian.
'OK everyone out of the boat, let's use our feet, said Syd.
In the distance, the blood curdling bark of bloodhounds could be heard...
..."AAARRRGH, we be doomed, tis the hound o hell himself...BLACK SHUCK!!!!" squealed Brian.
"But we be no where near Lowestoft...or ave we got lost in the DARKNESS!" said Syd.
Brian gulped clutchin his brothers hand in fear "BLACK SHUCK...that dog don't give a..."
(with apologies to anyone not knowing THE DARKNESS lyrics!)
...bark that's like any hound O've heard before.
'Quick throw him one of your Big Ron's extra tasty chippolatas...
'Are you kiddin' me, we didn't get that quality of food in prison' snapped Brian.
The only way O'id rewards that was if I...
*YArrrr, cmon, it be toime for an innuendo-athon*
...if I...hang on a minute, Black Shuck, that rhymes with...
ummm...Mack Truck...YArrr!
......and by enormous coincidence, at that very moment, Mack The Truck appeared (he was called Mack The Truck on account of he would have no truck with people who had been in prison). Mack The Truck soon found out Brian had been in prison and left in a huff saying he........
...was responsible for the scandalous, wantonly, naughty...
*yar get cracking yer lazy blaggards*
...and wickedly evil...
...Prison Quest debacle, which involved the burying of one of the guards in a secret sealed location, and the race to find im before the rats ate im...but Brian had put all that behind im now. Brian was free, life was lookin rosy...'if only Rosy was free' thought Brian, his thoughts had turned to a natural path for a man who'd been locked up all this time and a drop of drool fell from the corner of Brian's mouth as he pictured Rosy's huge...
...melons. "Ah yes," thought Brian, "there's nothing like a loverly fruit salad after a bloke's been banged up for while." as he sat there idly caressing Rosy's lovely soft...
...Hot Cross Buns. 'I haven't squeezed a good bun in quite a while' said Brian. 'Oh I know' said Rosy 'I've bin waitin a long time for you to...'
...get your plumbers boiler suit on and get your rough and ready hands on my...
...big taps. Then I can assist by helping you adjust your...
...television set, but first I'll have to fiddle with the Horizontal Hold so hurry up, plug in, switch on and prepare to show me your...
...set top box. Yes, that's right, I had the cable TV guy round while you were in prison. The next day he came around and installed a big...
...plasma TV in the house. He said "where do you want it love?" I just couldn't decide whether to have it in the lounge, the study, the hall or the kitchen. In the end we tried it every which way but he said it was too big to stick it in me...
...living room. So the cable guy, rippling with muscles, whipped out his little...
...digital video camera and asked if I would like some lessons about making home movies. I was very distracted 'though, because I just couldn't keep my eyes of his enormous....
....bulging camera lens, one of those convex ones which he said would really show off Big Brenda's......
...recent burlesque photographic collection, which showed of her very round, fullish...
(hang on we've gone from Rosy to Big Brenda in one installation!!!)
...pet Hamster called Nigel. As Nigel whirled around on his wheel the photographer had snapped Brenda bending over to fill Nigel's water bottle and the whole frame was filled with Brenda's huge...
...water receptacles, which hastily filled Nigel's water tray. The mere site of Brenda leaning towards him made Nigel him to...
...find a nice girl hamster and somewhere else to live but unfortunately there was no escaping Brenda's.......
...enormous thrusting...
...celery stalk she'd presented to Nigel...
... on the end of her.....
...nicely presented serving tray.
Meanwhile, the townsfolk had learnt of Bustlin Brian's prison escape. Mayor Keith Liversausage was busy at Portsmouth Town Hall, eyeing off his...
...new prosthetic ear. " I'll ave revenge on those dasdardly pirates " said Ken "I'll levy a special pirate Olympics Tax on the blaggards" Ken's personal assistant Miss Bloomfontaine vetured a reassuring word to her tormented boss: "It could have been much worse Mr Liversausage, those nasty pirates could have chopped off your..."
"... Oh no!" Miss Bloomfontaine exclaimed as she saw the pained look of dejection on (Red) Ken's face. " Surely you don't mean they did cut off your..."
...Council expenses allowance. 'Yes indeed' said Keith 'no more trips to Madame Fifi's to have...'
...cucumber sandwiches with the church council. No, in future I'll just have to have a straightforward...
"... foot long subway pork riblets on an oregano and parmesan roll with swiss cheese, tomato, cucumber, sweet onion and jalapeno and southwest chippotle dressing and a large Coke Zero and then nick over to Madam Fifi's for one of her quick budget special..."
.... video conference calls to swap carbon emissions with......
...Debby from Dallas, Profile: Single, Children: 14, Likes: Ballroom Dancing, Mud Wrestling and Flower arranging Y'all. Dislikes: Small Portions and Runnin out of Ammo.
"What the hell happened to your ear Ken?" asked Debbie, her image flickered accross the screen and Ken couldn't help but admire Debbie's huge...
...portions she'd allocated to him for his post kidnap dinner.
'How yer feelin Keithy?' Is there anything I can get yer' said Debbie. 'Yes sure' said Keith 'I'd really love it if you'd give me a...'
....tart, bakewell is me preferred choice but I'm partial to a jam tart as well. Could I have some cream on me tart please that would be nice. What on earth are you doing I want the cream on me tart not on me.....
...** CENSORED **,** CENSORED **,** CENSORED **,** CENSORED **,** CENSORED **,** CENSORED **,** CENSORED ** a duck by the name of Gilburt...
...who was by all appearances a rather ordinary mallard , he had feathers that were mostly pink except for the patch over his right eye and his nether regions .
He was plump , but in all the right places .
Life was idyllic on the little pond where he quacked and swam any time he wanted to , there was always plenty of food and fresh water . But it was getting boring , Gilbert was tired of the routine even the loons went off the deep end . It was time to leave !
Early in the shell Gilbert had lofty ideals and dreamed of all the things he could do after he finishes molting . He would fly , he would chase ganders and when he caught one he would...
....take a number 29 bus to Clapham Junction where he planned to.......
...sign up on the fist pirate ship he comes upon . If Polly and Maynard could find a perch so would he . The pirates life for Gilbert now ! Off on the big pond ! Yar de yarring my days ! Away from the quacks and the quackery and the geese with their goosings about !
"I'm a fine specimen !" , he declared to himself ," look at those feathers , those webbed feet ,those thick legs , that meaty succulent chest , and the thing I'm most proud of my enviable...
...incredibly long...
...voyage ought to work out the bird brain in me ", thought Gilbert to himself , " I'm so excited I could drop my corn ".
" Ah ...the sailing life " , he mused , " until I learn to fly , the crows nest will be my roost...if I knew how to climb everything would be perfect . "
"I must find some proper clothes , I hope I can find something that hides my large protruding ...
...beak onto the port hole and hoisted himself through . He tumbled over and struck beakfirst into warm water and feathery bodies , " great I found the hottub " , he thought ... he closed his eyes for a moment of rest....Suddenly Gilbert noticed the smell..." Aright... 'ow dun peed "....
Gilbert opened his eyes to stare down the culprit ..., they were all half cooked ! THIS ISN"T A HOT TUB !
He sprung from the cauldron and landed to the deck , he gazed about Eyes wide with horror !
Oh the fowlness most foul !
Everywhere were corpses with familiar beaks , geese , ducks , dodos chickens ... all dead , some mutilated beyond recognition after the night in the steam bath , some stuffed , Oh the humanity !
Gilbert quickly realized he was aboard a pirate ship by the Yarrs and stench , which one , he could not fathom , he decided to find out ...
By signing on as the ships parrot , pulled out his eyepatch recently procurred from pirates- R- us and flew off to find the captains quarters. He went from one area to another until he caught sight of a large mass of pink lace in a captains hat .
He was yarring by himself in front of a mirror an caught sight of Gilbert the duck with pink feathers cap an eyepatch .
Capn Dave turned ta face Gillbert ," ye muss be hARR fur ta crows nest pole sit In , I like ye colours lad ye gits the job " .
Capn Dave roared the order to cease interviews , so thus ...Gilbert from Little Pond officially became a pirate mascot ...
"Yaaaar!" cried Captain Dave. "Hoist the mainsail!"
"Quack" said Gilbert
"Weigh that anchor ye scurvy swabs!" roared Captin Dave
"Quack" said Gilbert
"By gum!" said Capn Dave "Ye may be a foine lookin bird, me hearty, but how am I to teach ye to curse, if all ye can do is this quackin caper!?"
Gilbert began to realise that his role as a parrot was going to be more difficult that he had thought to pull off.
...some wicked bird mimickry including talking like a parrot, sqwarking like a parrot, as of course after eating lots bird seed and crackers...
were not convincing . Some of the crew were whispering when Gilbert flew by or waddled past . Some claimed he be a French spy because of his speech. Happily Gilbert had admirers since giving away some choice feathers to crew members.
They defended him now ," I sez we put Gilbert to da challenge ! Ask him this one question iffen he nought be correct... into the pot wid him !
( OH GUANO ! , thought Gilbert , I'm au L'orange and loas !
"Give 'em some time to think first ..... okey whut be ye question ." enquired Seamen Bank .
Aroite Gilly , Whut be da shups DoctARR ? , asked Seamen Stanes .
QUACKKKKKKKKK !! , spat Gilbert now sick to his stomach .
The crew were bewondered that he was so astute and...
descriptive in his choice of language.
"Tole yez he was a French spy!" said one
"Nah! Course he aint." said another. "Look at that eye-patch! That be gool ol British made!"
"I'll ask him another" said seaman Bank. "Tell me now, me feathered friend, what noise do a musket make?"
Just then Gilbert felt an enormous build up of, err, intestinal gas. He let it rip.
"Gerrof, yer blaggard!" said seamen Bank, "Oi said musket, not cannon!"
Gilbert was coming to the awful realisation that his "clever" disguise as a ship's parrot might be nearing its use-by date. He was about to make a run for it when a terrible stench overcame the ship. Cap'n DaveL came out of the head pulling up his...
...his gas mask , " Mhgsd mmfjh snfgh hgfdjk fraap hgdf " !
" Whet he sayed " ?, asked Seamen Bank .
" Ee sayed " Mhgsd mmfjh snfgh hgfdjk fraap hgdf " , replied Seamen Stanes .
" Oh , I taught he sayed....
...XXX, XXX, XXX, and other rude utterances of a triple X nature...Cap'n Dave fainted and his face fell right between Pirgella's...
...enormous soft, yet strangely stimulating...
...feather bed and pillows reminded Gilbert of his mom and hatchlings ....zzzzzzzz....Suddenly ! Gilbert was aroused ...from his slumber...he crept about cautiously...got good hold of his wee wood...den club...and...
took his turn at mini-golf, which had been set up on board the ship to keep the swabs from each other's throats during periods of being becalmed.
'Tol you he were a French Spy!" said Seaman Bank. "Look how he holds his club. Be in the wrong hand...er... wing..."
"Quack!" said Gilbert, although meaning "Fore!" and struck the mini golf ball a mighty blow.
This turned out to be unfortunate, because...
...standing 200 metres away in direct trajectory with the ball was the bald bulbous, round head on none other than...
.... Neptune Bigfeet, the doziest pirate of the lot, with his spherical...............
...codpiece could not protect him from the force of the blow...Bigfeet doubled over , sang softy for his mother , or was it grandmother ?, or someones esles' mother...? the author couldn't make it out since it was some distance away ! Gilbert quickly threw the club to seaman Stanes who ...
...helped Neptune to his (big) feet.
'Awfully sorry old chap. Oi didn't mean to hit you in the ba--'
.... in the back entrance to The Admiral Benbow. I saves that sort of behaviour for less savory places like ....................
...on board me ship, which is a vessel of despair and lonliness.
Neptune Bigfeet, was a strange character who wandered the worlds golf courses, looking for...
........bags of.........
...dung used as fertiliser. The minute the golf ball struck him, he was busy with his arms inside a big bag of...
....popcorn which he'd found underneath a bunker when peeping at........
...the golf course manure storage bin.
Of course Neptune has a brilliant plan. He had dream of harnessing biogas, to power entire townships and golfcourses from the droppings of cloven animals.
To get enough biofuel, Neptune spent his days in cattle pens, with a collecting bucket, which he placed up against...
....the rear auxilliary exit........
...of the cows bu...
.......buckets of mashed fodder. Unfortunately, the buckets were badly designed, having one rear auxilliary exit too many, which left the cows unsatisfied by the......
...design.
Neptune was convinced that he could harness the power of Biofuel and rule the world. Essential to his plans was the emissions produced in the Portsmouth Butcher shop from Big Ron's bu...
..........bunson burner which leaked dreadfully. Combined with the additional emissions from Big Ron's........
home made sausages. Neptune, having miraculously and suddenly recovered from his recent golf ball accident, entered Big Ron's Butcher shop, dragging his enormous sack of collected cow sh manure behind him.
"Mornin'" said Big Ron, "be that the latest batch?"
"Aye!" said Neptune "Soon we'll be rich I tells ye! I've collected enough of this sh biofuel to sink a ship. The, next step world domination will soon foller!"
"Yaaar!!" said Big Ron, (who may have temporarily given up the life on the bounding main for butchery, but none of his piratical ways) "Put it over thaaarre next to the bunson burner and let's away to the tavern. I've a terrible thirst"
Big Ron and Neptune devised a corporate plan for their takeover of the world. During their 4th pint they devised the B.R.N.A.G. Corporation, standing for Big Ron and Neptunes An...
Anabolic Gearoids which would revoltionise the rotation speed of large sized vi.....
...visibly impressive...
...bovine-toilet brushes. Unfortunately, by the time this was tranlated into production, the hyphen was lost, and the marketing department were left with 250,000 cow-hide toilet brushes. The B.R.N.A.G. Corporation were up against tough competition to supply the local farms with appropriate cleaning products and failed to get their products into the......
new millenium.
By the time they had downed their fifth pint and their plans had become ever so ambitious as to include "Bovine Toilet Brushes The Movie" (extending to several sequels).
But, just as they were getting around to casting, there was an enormous explosion from the direction of the butcher shop and lamb-chops and home-made sausages began to rain from the sky, along with something brown and far less pleasant smelling.
"Great Scot!" said Big Ron, "What the....
...what the..?...could it be?...YES A TREMENDOUSLY ENORMOUS ICEBERG!!!!
I am saved from a life of destitution thought Saletheseas ...I can barely believe my eyes ! my new home on the whor horizen hoarresin distint !
His present home was melting away from underneath him.
All he now possessed were his dingy and clothes upon his person .
His ice and fresh water business dried up ( so to speak) many weeks ago...
He bemused about all he would have once again if only he could gain control of the big ice cube ....oh yes that ice means fresh water , pingie wings , seals , fish and ice cubes for drinks...the bar owners and their patrons will come back ..drawn to the oasis of coolness in the South Pacific and all the free ice they could handle for their grog.
He could get rent money again ...he could get himself some...
.... fresh cabin boys and even at a pinch a good......
....ski run on the leeward side of the iceberg island ought to get the money rolling in as well. I may lose a few customers in the early stages
seeing as the old towlines were burnt three inches at a time ...
No fencing left after the fishing folks took it all for netting in exchange for food...oh well ..the waters soft if they slide of the berg....
This one looks like I could be set up for life by the looks of it from here ...
Sal rowed with ever growing determination to reach it before any pirates or monks decide to claim it.
This 'berg looks like a biggin ! Reminds me of...
... the Butcher of Portsmouth he mused nostalgically while fishing for a juicy..........
...thought entered his mind ..." I'll carve out some grottoes and rent them out as deluxe accommodations with a view and A/C !....Oh...money money money all for me on me massive...
.....protruding.....
... tip of the 'berg must be 1,000 square miles , thought Sal as rowed and rowed towards his new (he hoped ) home .
........................the hours passed and still the berg seemed no closer...."**** me right arm is killing ...*pant*........me....... .*pant*....remines...*pant*....me...*huff*...of ...*pant*...the...first...*pant*...week...*pant*...me...*pant*...girlfriend left !....
...toilet seats arr a bit cold though ...as long as nobody wets on themselves they'll be fine....
...as a nice summer day."
Which was really the problem, for it was all too warm for this time of year. You see, there weren't that many pirates in these parts, most of them having moved to Palm Beach where condos were renting for very reasonable rates.
So the iceberg was melting rather fast, and it had left a huge spire in the middle that looked just like...
...what came out of Black Bart's mouth could not be repeated .
The vapourous emission ...a curse...inflamed the ether ....
.... next Chapter....
...Salentheses could row more...thee back of his head struck wood soaking his queue . The reek of offal assailed his nostrils and now soaked into his rags ( his last set of rags ) , though the filth of his wee bilge outraged his cuts and boils he was still giddy as a wee gurl.
He arched himself up with thee top of his head to see his goal on the bottom of thee horizon .The picture gave him rise to smile once he could control his breathing .
Sal was a piteous sight indeed ...I'm gonna cry soon ...(he's so up the creek)!
He pushed himself back upon his perch , restied his head within his blistering hands , he covered his eyes because he never knew who might be looking ...He sobbed out nary a tear .
He felt like Henry Thomas , thee poor sod that was cast away all those years ago....alone on his island...
"at least he had an island ! All I had was a cold rock!"
......Sal could not afford tears , for he noticed his home , his old ice hut was a green stain on a blue ocean .
" Just me chamber pot now...thats all...then its ..." , he sighed heavily .
The sun seared into his back.
" I hope I get some half decent breaks in this story " , thought Sal , " What could be more apropos than if ...
...Angelina Jolie, playing Lara Croft, were to parachute down onto me iceberg and show me her big, beautiful...
........lace handerkerchieves for then I could wipe the tears from my eyes in style. But alas, it seemed unlikely and meanwhile a nasty problem arose with his.........
...pet hamster, whose parka refused to zip up all the way. You see, while daydreamin' o' parachutin' movie stars, Sal had drooled onto the hamster's jacket and the zipper had frozen solid.
Now this hamster, whose name by the way was Phil, was very upset about being drooled on and decided to bite Sal's...
...hunger was sated... for the moment...he was so famished he ate his fill real qwik .....many...dots... of.. time.. go.. by...
Back to rowing...Sal rowed and rowed his boat...
...gently down the stream, while Phil stood on the bow tugging at his zipper hoping the ice would thaw.
Sal, whose arms were starting to look like Popeye's from all the rowing, was hoping they would reach land soon. He was getting awfully lonely and wanted a bit o' conversation. While Phil was a perfectly fine hamster, his talk was a bit borin' since he went on an' on about...
...the miraculous regurgitation of his humble self after being cooked and consumed by a voracious Sal ." Phil will assuredly be battered and dipped next time if he doesn't shut up " , thought Sal .
Sal heaved a sigh with grief and exhaustion , what happened to the burg ?... New Iceburg will be its name . Sal got out of the boat tossed Phil overboard ," That rat will be happier here " , he turned the boat around and rowed back to the iceberg .
" I suppose I could stay here , never noticed all this land before , must be my imagining ..."
Sal set back to the awful drudgery of rowing to the New Iceburg , his innards churned out loud complaints , he felt his back needed more seasoning , his hands ruined by all the...
...scrubbing he'd had to do as a cabin boy. He remembered one day, when he'd been bending over to polish the brass, the First mate accidently stuck a Turbot up his...
...euphonium. It's the devil's own job keeping this orchestra clean he had thought, wondering why the ship needed a symphony orchestra at all, and cursing the first mate, who had misread the chief engineer's book on turbo-charging.
If only I had a ...
...whiff of that Turbot to cheer me up, he thought. No sooner had his mind moved on to the production of Swan Lake that the orchestra were rehearsing, than a whopping great Turbot flew past, narrowly missing his ...........
... autographed poster of the members of the House of Commons Science & Technology Select Committee.
Most cabin boys had posters of the Spice Girls, or occasionally WestLife, but once, when he had been on London shore leave he had accidentally wandered into a festering den of iniquity, perched precariously on the bank of the Thames, seemingly supported only by a combination of "aspirations" and hot air. Hearing the sound of muffled screams from behind a door marked "Chief Whip" ....
.........he was terrified and grabbed a black rod that someone had left in the corridor. Just as he was about to..............
... force his way into the room he heard the yeoman of the guard, closely followed by the division bell. "Interesting", he thought, "It's not often you hear Gilbert and Sullivan and Pink Floyd together, and certainly not emanating from the lower chamber, as this appears to be". Which should he investigate first? had the entire place gone mad(der)? Was his member in danger? ...
......This last was a particular worry as he was tasked with representing Mr Brattly from Rotherham South and last time Mr Brattly had been to his surgery he had tried to pull out his......
(this is a bit like the good old days all those years ago on the place that shall remain nameless but beginnin with a V)
...computer disk full of data from the Home Office review of Portsmouth's Health, Financial details, Sexual habits and Treasure chest locations...unfortunately his hands were still greasy from a big helping of Plum Duff in the Refectory and the disk slipped out of his blubbery hands and flew out of the window. He stuck his head out of the window just in time to see the disk land on a passing hulk...with a groan of mortification he shouted OH...
...........Festering Fishcakes!! There goes me 'opes of having the biggest..................
...leak in years. "Have you seen my floppy?" he called out to a somewhat perturbed looking young sailor on the passing vessel. "It's about this size" ( he gestured with his hands), "and...
....thereby dropped the royal charter for abolishing fishing in the harbour that he had been carrying. There was an instant scrum. Several people dived for it at once, unfortunately crashing into his.........
..other arm sending yet another data disk flying out the window and into the arms of the now expectant Pirates.
"Yarrrrski said Cap'n Vladimir Ripemoff...let us see vot is on zis disk...ve already have all the financial details and ze verabouts of ze treasure...vot more can zer be to lose?
"I don't belief it Kapitan" said Komputer Officer Scumski...look at ze computer screen it is a compromising video of...
... those politicians we met at that pole-dancing club. I thought at the time they there was something fishy about them, and that they didn't look Polish.
All the time they were...
.....passing things to each other under the table. Look, look really carefully and you will see that what you thought was a ............
...finest iceburg Sal ever laid his eyes upon . He jumped onto the burg , "I claim thee in my name ...Sal !". Sal set about chipping out a grotto with glee , pounding away at the ice and snow .
" What a great tool this is , I could...
.........use it to pick pearls out of oysters. No sooner had the thought formed in his mind than a gigantic oyster attacked him from behind. He was swallowed whole along with his chipping tool. After about 4 days he began to get hungry and in a deranged frenzy he used his tool to chip his way out of the oyster. Freedom !! But alas, a large walrus was lurking nearby and in the far distance was a carpenter. May well you ask how it was possible to see it was a carpenter at such a distance, a tall story you are probably thinking but he had the most enormous butt marker ever seen so it was obvious. Just as the walrus began to stir the carpenter arrived and asked how he could be of service, would his enormous butt marker help? They put their heads together and came up with a plan to use his enormous butt marker to........
...lure a large ice breaker to their rescue. (I want to state quite clearly, before there is any unpleasantness, if Moby Dick appears in this story, I'm out!)
As the ship approached Russian accents could clearly be discerned and one voice rose above the others to say "Zey vill never find the Data Disks here...in ze name of Boris Yeltzin it is cold enough to freeze off your...
.......Mobius Strips. Unfortunately the crowd misheard and thought the well known star Moby Weatherspoon was about to whip off his............
a marker (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Silverline-Butt-Marker-Misc/dp/B000LFVLMA) ~Ed.
...gloves and play his immensely popular guitar chords.
In the crowd was Phil the Hamster, who had been doing quite well for himself since being stranded by Sal. With Phil was his new mistress, a petite mouse named Lil. Lil made extra money by fan dancing on weekends at a nearby rat hole.
Lil was a very big fan of Moby Weatherspoon. Upon hearing his music she jumped up and showed everyone her...
...lovely tail , Philly just loved Lil for her tail , he would keep this to himself .He looked at his own tail , " OucH !" , he exclaimed , after touching the hideous angry swelling at end of his tail .
Phil was indignant from being thrown for a loop by Sal ,"Wroite ! I'll do 'im fer that !
Phil's tail was in bad shape , and he was happy it didn't snap off " Hey Lil me luv !
C'mer an' 'elp me me wid me ...
.............blowpipe; I'm going ter get that there Sal where it hurts right in the...................
..."<mrpmph!!!???>" said Phil, for Lil had covered his mouth with her hand.
"Quiet", she whispered.
Nearby, two suspicious looking pirates could be seen conversing in Russian accents. Lil almost fainted when she saw that hanging out one of the pirates pants was a floppy...
.......union flag. She rushed over, pulled it out screaming this must be erected at once in the Queen's Square; does anyone have a pole? Several people surged forwards from the crowd but it was the two conversing in Russian accents that got to the centre of the square first. They uttered a few words in Russian which sounded like "heer Elyana Alexndria Lil, ooz ower Polez plixz. The crowd jeered. They knew fake Russian when they heard it. The yelled out demands for the two men to prove their credentials by showing them their.................
...bare bodkins , many a seafarer had not seen rushing bodkins before and with lecherous grins they set upon the two bare...
...pated sailors. For these two were bald as billiard balls, and everyone knows that true Russian pirates have thick tresses.
Many a fine looking woman stood around watching the melee. Phil, a red blooded hamster male, was enjoying the sight, looking up...
..." YONDA BE DA CASSEL OVE ME FADDA...DA CALUFF ! ", shouted the rushing pirate , named Stroganoff , pointing his...
......puny.......
...ears up . Phil leaned over to ask Lillian , " Wot did 'ee say Lil ? I had me tail in me good ear...look at what I got..." .
Lil glared at the hamster .
Lillian was deer mouse , and was of fowl mood today . Those fleas bites were becoming so bothersome .
" I dunno dearie " , responded an itchy Lil , "I dont unnerstan' Russian but I tell ye thus ...
he probably saying something foul. Humpff. Men!", she said and stalked off.
Phil cleaned off the end of his tail and hurried after her.
Meanwhile, the two rushin' pirates dropped their...
...eggs all into one basket were they broke open .The hurried pirates decided to stop and have a lunch of scrambled eggs and craving bacon went after the only animal around...a fat hamster picking his ear with his tal just down the beach . The hungry pirates began to ...
.... pick at their scabs in a desperate attempt (mirroring behaviour) to convince the hamster they were benevolent friends. But the hamster had met hungry pirates before and failed to be seduced by their...............
... by their bree , cheddar , swiss or provolone . Phil liked to eat ...
...Gorgonzola. In fact he liked it so much that the merest whiff of that fabled Italian blue cheese gave him a huge...
...appetite.
As a matter of fact, a new cheese shop had just opened up down the street and Phil rushed in, hoping for his favorite. "One pound of Gorgonzola", he ordered, licking his lips.
"Sorry, we're all out of that.", said the cheese monger.
"Well, how about some Havarti?", asked Phil.
"We're all out of that, too."
Just then, the two rushing pirates burst through the door. They stopped dead in their tracks, for they were extremely embarrassed to be seen chasing a hamster. To cover his embarrassment, one of the pirates ordered some Munster.
"Don't got none of that, neither", said the cheese monger.
While the pirates were going through a long list of cheeses, none of which were available in the cheese shop, Phil quietly made his way out the side door, where he ran into...
... John Cleese. "I wouldn't go in there mate, if I were you," Phil said, "there isn't a skerrick of cheese to be found in the place." "Well, blow me down with a feather", said John, " a talking hampster!" and with that John turned around and thereby deprived countless millions of one of their favourite Monty Python sketches.
Meanwhile Phil made good his escape from his two pursuers, by taking a short cut past the back of PPS distillery, at least until a strangely attractive aroma csught his attention and, despite the constant string of invective issuing from within he stepped inside through a crack in the wall, to be confronted by Stillmaster Bluenose in what can only be described as a compromising position involving a length of curtain rod, three rubber gloves and...
.......the front door. Swiftly changing direction, he ran into the back door. It proved to be one door too many and Phil keeled over. Just at that moment a bouzouki could be heard and Phil lay on the sawdust floor swooning to its mellifluous wailing. The rushing pirates began to dance the hornpipe but the tempo was all wrong and their feet became irretrievably tangled together. The two conjoined pirates tried to disengage their.............
...beards, which had become horribly entangled during the frantic dancing. Intent on the struggle to get their whiskers separated, they failed to hear the keening of a police whistle.
Bursting in through the door came two constables, led by Lil. Pointing at the rushin' pirates, she cried, "There's the two blokes that grabbed my...
...copy of " Pyrate Rodent Weekly " , I need to read the article on plague infested fleas ."
Constable Timmims was outraged by the mashers and clapped the two hurried pirates in leg irons .
" While I'm here I think I'll try a sip of the Stillmaster's brew ".
The constable dipped a ladle into a vat of roiling liquid and...
...before he could bring it to his lips the stillmaster called aout "Gah! Ye cannut be drinkin it like that, it be a nue brew o' Cap'n's Delight, but it has nay yet got the addition o' the sekret ingredient numba 27." The stillmaster reached behind him and grabbed a bottle which appeared to be marked XXX Ratte Poisonn XXX from which he added a few drops to Constable Timmins ladle. "Ye'll be roight now matey" Stillmaster Bluenose explained.
Constable Timmins took a sip and exclamed...
...."I've come over all dead". The speeding Pyrates exchanged glances (not hard as their eyes were only millimetres apart due to the entangled beards fiasco). Lil said to Phil, "can 'e be dead if 'e says 'e is?". Phil said to Lil "may'ap 'e can an' may'ap he canna". Suddenly there was an erruption in the.......
...ear of one of the harried harriers. A tiny morsel of earwax was causing a terrible itch, which the poor pirate clawed at frantically. The other pirate slapped him heartily, saying, "Don't you know that is bad manners to do in public?"
As everyone knows, speedy pirates are obsessed with decorum. Embarrassed, the scratching pirate stopped scratching, but now was twitching as he tried to get the itching to go away to no avail.
In the meantime, the last remaining constable was trying to decide what to do. On the one hand, there was a dead constable to deal with. On the other hand, he had two entangled twitching pirates to arrest. On the third hand, he was mighty thirsty and was considering having some of the Cap'n's Delight. On the fourth hand, he realized he didn't have four hands, so he...
...ended up dropping a bottle, which smashed to the floor.
'Darn it, Still Master Bluenose will have my guts for garters, if he finds out that I dropped his prized moonshine'
Just then, a scantily clad Madame Chantelle wandered in the room and saw the smashed bottle.
'Ooo la-la...
.... la plume de ma tante ! C'est impossible !'
Yes, indeed ! She had spotted a large earwig coming out of one of the hurried Pyrate's.......
...ear, carrying a large plug of ear-wax above him like a prize.
Phil, who was just rousing from his fainting spell when he spotted this exclaimed "Ewww, gross!" and fainted again, this time landing right between Madame Chantelle's ample...
...big toes.
Barely missing stepping on Phil, Madame Chantelle rushed forward to aid the fallen constable, for if anyone could raise the dead, it was Madame Chantelle. She grabbed the constable's...
...club and gave it a yank ! , unfortunately the club was still attached to the constable . It was securely looped around the constable's wrist by means of a leather strap .
Chantelle's capable hands failed her this night and the billy club swung back down and struck ...
...fair and square on her large...
...bunion, causing her to shout, "...
...OH ! , the constable is out cold ! , exclaimed Lil the deer mouse . She ran over to the manacled pirates and retrieved her copy of " Bilge Rat Illustrated " from Knockoff's trousers .
" And while I'm here...How do ye like this !?... as Lil...
...whacked him on his ingrown toenail, causing Knockoff to scream in pain.
As this was going on, the unconscious dead constable started to moan as Madame Chantelle's ministrations began to arouse him. She continued to rub his...
...billy club until it gleamed . Constable Timmims slowly ...
...sat up and rubbed his head. "Oh," he exclaimed, "that Cap'n's Delight has quite a punch."
Madame Chantelle, seeing that the constable was coming to his senses, dropped the nightstick, which landed on her big bunion. This started her howling.
With all the howls, moans and screams in the room it sounded like a...
...beached humpback whale which had been stranded on shore for several days...
..., which was what all the whalers in town thought had happened. They all grabbed their harpoons and headed for the whaling boats.
Amid all the noise and confusion, the two manacled pirates made to escape, sidling out the door. The moaning, screaming constables didn't see them getting away, but Lil did. Lil started kicking one of the constables ankles to get his attention.
The constable looked down, then grabbed up little Lil. "That's assaultin' and officer, that is." He was going to arrest Lil, but realized that his handcuffs were far too large to fit Lil. To keep her from running off, he held onto Lil's...
...... small round body with a fist of steell. Outside, a peaceful protest group began to form with placcards proclaiming stuff like "free all small creatures too small to defend themselves" and " down with constables". A few at the back appeared to be saying "Bring back fish-head stew" and unfortunately the constabulary over-reacted to this minority and started firing foam (consisting largely of Cap'ns Delight" into the crowd. Soon all the protestors were on the ground clutching their............................
..noses, for someone had spilled a bowl of fish-head stew.
Meanwhile, Phil made to rescue his girlfriend. He silently approached the constable, then crawled up his pants leg and bit the constable's...
trouser pocket, for it was full of tasty nuts and Phil had not eaten for a while, he needed his strength for the work ahead. When all the nuts were gone, Phil who was still inside the trouser leg reached across, grabbed and then pulled very hard on the constable's...
...underwear, giving the constable a wedgie. The constable yelped and released Lil. Phil then rappelled down the pants leg, grabbed Lil's hand and ran for the door.
Adding to the confusion, Madame Chantelle hopped around on one foot, tripped and fell into one of the constables. To keep from falling, he grabbed the Madame's...
..... tiara which was not anchored with enough hat pins and quickly detatched from her head. The constable found himself flat on his back on the floor in possession of a fake diamond tiara but unfortunately Jones of The Yard arrived and immediately instituted an internal inquiry into stolen diamond tiaras. The constable was locked in a cell without charge for 90 days and the public went wild, demanding the instant release of all tiara thiefs and the cessation of flights over Portsmouth harbour until the .........
...plague of rushin' pirates about Portsmouth had been cleaned up.
Now, normally, two pirates do not constitute a plague, but these two pirates had been very, very busy. They had managed to all but corner the Bilge Rat Illustrated market. Getting a hold of Lil's copy was the final step in their dastardly plan.
But first, they had to get out of the constable's manacles AND get their beards untwisted. To do this, they headed to Carl's Blacksmith and Barbershop Boutique on the outskirts of Portsmouth. Carl was a particularly unsavory character who had been shaving pirates and cutting manacles for over twenty years. He had studied the arts of barbering under Sweeny Todd, back in the old days.
So the two hurried pirates rushed to Carl's and demanded he cut off their...
manacles. They shouted out loudly "Cut off this blasted man..." But before the pirates could complete the word 'manacles', they spied someone who owed them 100 Dubloons from a game of Crown and Anchor the previous week. "Hood!" they cried out to John Hood, their old shipmate. Carl, not being one to question his instructions, and not noticing that the two were somewhat distracted by the fellow who had just walked into the workshop, reached out and with a large cutlass cut off the nearest pirate's...
...Manchester Rugby Club pin.
Hood, seeing the two hurried pirates, turned and fled. The one pirate, seeing his favorite rugby pin fall to the ground, reached down to pick it up while the other pirate attempted to give chase to Hood. The result was that their manacles and beards yanked taut, straining their...
.......relationship to breaking point. The bent pirate was dragged along the rough ground which was extremely painful due to his exposed..............
...roll of film in his pocket, with pictures of...
...Lilly .... Lilly oh Lil...ly , sang Jolly Roger and Who knows who . Phil was outraged that these long haired minstrels knew his mouse so well , " Hmmff , maybe I should have stayed with that fetching gerbil with the big...
....side whiskers. Yes, indeedy, they would have tickled my................
...fancy. But Lil is such a nice girl...most of the time. Except when a pirate ship is in town and all the pirates want to see...
and sing mmmmmmmm- My Generation. Profoundly, he couldn't get The Who out of his head. There was just some strange connection between The Who and Gerbils, which was yet to be established.
But after a few minutes, the Gerbil was doing Pete Towshend's windmill guitar and...
(Apologies for the interruption , I must say that I'm growing quite fond of Phil and Lil , I've developed a mental image of them and they are awfully cute ) :rockon: :drive:
...arrrr, it be the salt water gettin in yer grog matey...mental himages can be a trial to a man...ye be himaginin all sorts o terrors loik this fellar on First Watch who thinks he's turned into Simon King:
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos_files/snow_trees1.jpg)
As you were...... the Gerbil was doing Pete Towshend's windmill guitar and...
..... he hadn't quite got the hang of it. He soon fell over his peculiarly long.....
...tail, which had gotten entangled in his guitar strings. Falling down, the gerbil's guitar issued a horrible sound, much like the moan of a beached humpback whale. The local whalers, which were all down at the beach, came running to the town square, wondering how a whale had managed to get that far.
Once again failing to find a whale, the irate whalers began to kick everyone's...
......skittles to pieces and by the time GreenPeace arrived it was too late. No one had any.......
...skittles left. GreenPeace left in a deep blue funk.
While all this was going on, Carl had managed to get the two hastening pirates separated, though he had been forced to trim their beards extremely short. The two pirates were almost too embarrassed to show their beards in public, for rushin' pirates MUST have long beards.
Now separated, the two pirates began to search for Lil in earnest. They hope to grab her...
......cage and lure her into it. But the Society for Abolition of Gerbil Caging was one step ahead of them. The pavement was too narrow for them to get past them so they joined the rear and pretended to be fully paid up members of the Society. Unfortunately a very tall Admiral, one Thomas Pugh-Smythe, had a sixth sense and it was telling him that all was not well with the Society's rear......
...guard. Spinning around, the admiral brandished his...
......tarnished scabre. The pirates guffawed derisively at the sight of such a.........
...rusty rapier.
The admiral, put off by their harsh laughter, retreated in dismay.
Lil, though, heard the commotion outside, and escaped by the back door. She headed toward the local Piggly Wiggly, where Phil was working as a stock boy. Reaching the store, she noticed that the price of all rodent pirate magazines had risen by more than 3 pounds sterling. See this, Lil began to realize what the pirates' fiendish plan was. They intended to...
.......steal her new frilly garters and fly her to an obscure South American rain forest. While she was out of the way, they would continue their infiltration of the Society for Abolition of Gerbil Caging who in fact owned the rodent pirate magazines. Once establsihed they would then be able to persuade Miss January to defect from Playbilge Magazine for their own January issue centrefold. Phil, who was a regular proof-reader, would be deeply shocked when he saw the pre-publication copies. But it would be too late. The rushin' pirates would pop out from behind the curtain in his dark room and have his guts for garters. The bloody garters strewn with viscous entrails would be sent to Admiral Thomas Pugh-Smythe who was known to have a fetish for................
...bloody garters strewn with viscious entrails.
He only became homocidally activated after reading Playbilge, which would set him off on a blood lust, which included wielding a large...
..............portfolio of centrefolds showing their best...............
... lice combs were on sale . Lil had to have a pair and set the magazine down . She quickly tidied herself up and headed out the knot hole from under the bar cabinetry of the Benbow towards the shop with her mind set on....
..bloody vengeance. She was determined to stop the runnin' pirates no matter what. The thought of her dear Phil's innards being used as garters was particularly maddening.
Seeing red, Lil decided that she would hunt down the pirates and cut off their...
......... hair which they had all died red so they could impersonate Black Bart who had frilly shirts which matched Lil's frilly garters. Without their flowing red locks they would lose their strength and become mere feeble replicas of their former selves. In fact, Lil suspected they had all cloned their................
...head lice so that they all had the same, scratchy appearance.
So Lil snuck into Carl's to steal a pair of scissors. But as she was sneaking back out of the door, Carl spotted her and gave chase. Lil took off one of her garters and shot it like a rubber band, hitting Carl in the eye. Momentarily blinded, Carl stumbled into a sign that said "Tuxedos for Rent" and knocked himself cold.
Lil then...
...planned out her path around town... she was the best rodent for getting around town and back . Dogs and cats and rats with and without peg legs were everywhere , just last week Lil infected ...
...a giant hamster, who transmuted and started walking with a pegleg immediately.
'That disease could start a pandemic if it crosses over into human beings. Off to quarantine the lot of ye' said Master Bob Berwick, The Portsmouth Quarantine Officer.
Master Bob was a strange man, with a passion for cleanliness. If fact every morning he would disinfect his workplace with a large...
..........bottle of carbolic acid. Any unfortunate animals too close would be rendered totally bald. Soon there wasn't a single animal in the quaratnine quarters with any fur. The animals got together and formed the Anti Quarantine Quarters for Animals (AQQA) brigade. They made secret plans and tunneled their way out. The town was awash with bald peg leg animals.
Bob Berwick was very embarrassed at his total lack of..............
...animals in quarantine. This was particularly bad, since it happened on the day the mayor of Portsmouth came to inspect the quarantine facility. Finding no patients there, the mayor fired Master Bob on the spot.
Dejected, Master Bob went into the business of renting tuxedos, which were in high demand by pirates that were on shore leave and wanted to impress the ladies. One morning, there was a loud crash outside his new business. When Master Bob went to investigate, he found his sign in a shambles and an unconscious man on the boardwalk. Master Bob knew at once that the man was Carl the blacksmith/barber, because Carl was missing a(n)...
... sense of style. Barbers are notorious for their lack of style and don't even get me started on blacksmiths and their shameful lack of ...
...shoe savvy. In his new line of work, former Master Bob would obsess contiunually about the cleanliness of his tuxedos. His use of carbolic acid in this instance was met by his wife Beatrice with a swift...
...refusal to let him back in the house until he had managed to get the smell out of his clothes.
Master Bob rolled Carl off of the boardwalk and into the street. After all, one could not have poorly shod, unconscious people blocking the door to one's tuxedo shop. Master Bob was also picking up the pieces of his sign, hoping that he had enough glue to put it back together. Money was tight, and Master Bob didn't have enough for a new sign.
Meanwhile, Lil was running along with Carl's scissors (she had never learned not to as a young mouse) when she ran into...
... a brick wal...
..."Ouch", she yelled, grabbing her injured nose.
She had dropped the scissors in a mud puddle. As she began frantically searching for them, she realized she had completely forgotten WHAT she needed the scissors for. Then it came back to her. She needed them to...
...chop off a big...
...pirate's flowing tresses.
That's right, she recalled. She was supposed to be saving Phil, whose innards were in dire danger.
Lil finally found the scissors and set in search of aspirin, for she had a terrible headache from running into the wal...ouch. Once she had found one of those little white pills and taken a nibble off of it, Lil was off to save Phil, her darling hamster.
Lil finally found the two rushin' pirates hiding in a...
.........tub of lard. Bravely she hacked at them with her scissors but the two rushin' pirates were so lippery with lard that instead of cutting off their hair she cut off their.................
...electricity. As the lights went out, the two pirates rushed for the door. One of them thought he had grabbed the door knob, but instead had grabbed...
(BTW, welcome back to the CBF Griffin.)
........a black ball that had stuck to the door the last time Black Bart had attempted to play pot black. Owing to the fast pirate's left-hooked stirke, the ball shattered into a thousand pieces and showered all over the other fast pirate leaving him looking like a .....................
(TY, Aphos)
...an example of electrolysis gone wrong. It was an unusual case of the Pot calling the Kettle Black Bart. Suddenly there was a shout from inside The Admiral Benbow: 'No it isn't,' followed quickly by: 'Yes it is you landlubberin, bilge swallowin...'
...poopy head. (Some of the pirates at the Admiral Benbow were rather immature.)
Any way, back to the rushin' pirates. After the ball exploded, they smashed down the door and stumbled into the light. One of them had a piece of ball embedded in his palm, and thought someone had slipped him the Black Spot. In mortal terror, he lit out for parts unknown. At least, he hoped those parts were unknown to whoever had given him the Black Spot.
Confused as to what had gotten into the first pirate, the second pirate...
........whose hair had been ripped from his head by the departure of the first, rubbed his bald head in the tub of lard so as to make it nice an' shiny. The light from his bald pate was so bright that it highlighted the swolen...............
....agonised face of the Bosun, who staggered on to the deck, clutching his head and guts alternately, and cried out
"Fer Gawd's sake, don' look inter th' jakes, Mad Will ate ahll the Stoo!"
Just then the cabin boy....
...the Minute Waltz on his...
...equally shiny bald head...
.........sporting a particularly fine ginger wig dropped his.......
.....bucket of parrot cage sweepings into........
........ the mouth of the..........
...nearby river, resulting in...
We interrupt this fable to bring you breaking news from the office of the Chief Constable for Portsmouth
Constable Timmins: The Portsmouth Constabulary are currently searching for for a particularly scurrilous pirate who goes by the name of Innuendo. He was though to be hiding out in the Continuous Salty Fable, but recent checks have shown that he has not been there for some time. In fact local residents say there has not been a sighting of Pirgella's wobbly blancmanges for weeks. If any one finds this desperate character, please send him back to the fable before irreparable damage is done to its salty reputation.
We return you now to your regular programming.
Arrr it be OK constable I has located Innuendo...formally a problem only associated wiv The Dark Avenger...they has got tagether ta form a Quintet:
(http://www.innuendo.ca/innuendo.jpg)
They be performin aboard 'The Big Brenda' every Saturday Night and they has just released a single by the title of "I'd loik ta get my mittens on Pirgella's luverly..."
...nearby river, resulting in...
......seriously off topic spluttering which mangled his..........
...Pellets !" , yelled Phil . He was lost again . "I've got to get back to work " . After dodging the cats and stray dogs about town he found himself at a still . He decided to run a long the walls until he found ...
...a seriously off topic river, with banks as far as the eye could see...
...There was the First Pirates' National Bank and the Privateer's Savings and Loan and many, many others. Piratin' these days was a very successful business, and many banks were need to stash all that stolen loot.
After seeing all those banks, Phil began to get ideas about...
...a wench he'd once known in Plymouth...Wendy Wenlock...she were known as Wendy Banks cos ye could always bank on her to give ye a...
....couple of Cronans fer yer trouble......
...helpin' her carry her groceries up to her flat, where she would...
...say hello ole Mrs Banks, the land lady, who never missed a beat, because...
...was a nosy old biddy. She once saw...
..... a bald one-eyed one-legged pirate with a parrot on his shoulder. At least, that's what she always claimed. No one ever believed her because she was off her.............
...rocker, because her estranged sea captain husband left her for a...
...vacation villa in the Caribbean, where he spent all his hard earned Doubloons on pretty...
...pink dresses...Oh yes, he was a raving...
.........DaveL impersonator but never fooled anyone as he had a much bigger..........
...mustache.
Phil was going to be late for work if he didn't hurry up, so he flagged down a hansom cab and tipped the driver a...
......nod. The driver misunderstood and thought Phil was propositioning him. He leapt out of the cab and got out his.....................
...log book....'Look here', said the Cabby, 'I had Henry Kelly in me cab last week.'
Phil looked worried: 'You HAD Henry Kelly...no wonder he never turned up at The Admiral Benbow, he must have had a really sore...
...tail after the driver slammed the door on him , " ouch ! , just for that , there's no tip for you man ! "
The driver choose the bumpiest cobblestone road he could find , the jostling of the cab tossed the rodent about compounding the pain in his stub of a tail .
" Oh me , this tail is getting shorter and more flaccid all the time , and I was going to surprise Lil on Valentines Day with a good...
...rendition of...
....the Sound of Music. Now I'll have to substitute............
... a falsetto becos ove ...
......the state of my............
...Von Trapps. The family Von Trapp had seen better times, even Maria Von Trapp was working as a ...
..... night porter for the Count of Monte Christo, which included washing his.............
<Oh, thank goodness. Someone has resurrected this thread and saved Phil and Lil from oblivion.>
.........socks and dirty windows. Once, while washing his bedroom window, Maria saw the Count......
.........trying to shove something up his............
..........mistress's..........
... mattress's ...
.......bed covering. As the Count pulled out his........
......wad of bank notes from under the mattress, Maria nearly lost her............
.....cell phone down the gutter drain as she attempted to speed dial......
....... the Speed-Dialers Anonymous Helpline. It was no good; she just couldn't get her finger..........
........into............
.....any.....
.........open........
...or.....
...even get one of those little Tamogotchi thingies to perform on the screen...suddenly...
...the count looked up. In the corner, he saw a...
.........looming figure puffed up with..........
...menace like some deranged Robin, it was none other than that criminal mastermind...
.......Heinz Bean, with a nasty looking..............
...wart on his nose, which was how you could tell he was a villain. Bean planned to...
..........prevent speed-dialing altogether by combining haricots, tomatoes, and large quantities of methane which would act as ................................
...catalyst for...
......change. And change is exactly what he got. Underneath...................
...his pantaloons wuz a skid mark larrge enuff to blot out thee ...
...filthy imagination of a Portsmouth street urchin...Heinz being German, could not tolerate having tarnished underwear so he made his way forthwith to the Chinese Laundry on deck 4. Somewhere in amongst all the steam was Wan Hung Low the dedicated laundry man singing a song he remembered from his childhood in Szechuan...Happy, Happy, Happy, Talky Talk...talk about things you like to do...if you don't have a dream about escaping the oppressive totalitarian communist regime of Red China, then how you going to have a dream of escaping the oppressive totalitarian communist regime of Red China come true...
... tru ta form , tha kracken tryd ta grab tha dreedid NEFYUBB ! ( dats ME !)
buttz nefyu sayd
HOKAY !
ya slippy munster , oim goona gib ya da bidniss end ob muy cuts less and den et ya fer supper !
an den
an den
ummmmmm
I GOONA cook ya fer supper and ...
....feed yer to me dogs. No one will.....
... stoppe tha dreedid NEF YOO BLECK BEER ! fwum savin Portsmiff !
Taaaaa Daaaaaah !
now i be tha heewoe
i comandid
an alla towne folk gimme ....
... a good send off to lands far away where the turtles...................
... bwing me back alla way to Nuu Postsmiff agin.
HOKAY !
i comanid
now i wull sing ye all a song !
lalalaaa me meemememee
...
..tra la de doh..... Madam Fifi clouted 'im rownd the 'edd fer mekin' such an 'orribel noyse an' then.....
... HOOORAW !
ye sing so lubberly Nef YOO !
an din ellie buddy says
sing anuvver song nef Yoo !
i comandid
HOKAY
i sayd
an din......
... thee townes folke scattered in terror , during the riot of fear and panic several ....
...playgue rattes ran back hupord thee sinkin shippes...
... cos thay wanna git moor poppekorn fwum tha shup afoor et sunkd
an den ...
thay all kum bak wiff frens
an den ...
thay gimme lotsa stuff
an den ...
" sing anudder song nefyu !"
i commandid
an den ...
... thee playgue rattes committed hare krishna t' hex scaype Nef Yoo's caterwallin' ...
..... an' they was berried in the back yard o' Madam Fifi's while h'everywun fawt over the remaynes 'o the fish 'ed stewe. Then, suddenly.......
...Nefyoo had a request from Fifi to become her ktichen hand...
...whereupon the little blighter was set before an enormous pile of potatoes and given a vege peeler. Madam Fifi chained the brat to the floor and informed him that unless all the spuds were peeled in time to be roasted for dinner, there would be no rum for him. Deeply shaken, Nefyu picked up the peeler in one hand and a potato in the other and began to...
........scratched his head. He had no idea what to do. So he.................
...began t' complayne an makye vereeyus irritaytin noises huntil Madam Fifi's spirit broke. She hunchayned 'im an flugn im outsoide wivout supper *or* run, were 'e...
...started calling out for his favourite pet dinosaur named...
... Teddy , Teddy was tan in color and resembled a brontosaurus , the wool that encased thee eider duck down was well worn from years of playtime and illusions of grand mayhem . He was summoned once more to wreak havoc .
" Hokay Teddy , I comane ya ta go scare Anty Fifi ,
an she gunna wun away ,
an den we wull share tha pie she maked ,
an den ...
...we'll eat a mysterious source of protein, most likely this prehistoric...
...........penguin, which will upset the Greenpeace folk no end and.........
...made them hungry for some deep fried Walrus instead.
Back in New Portsmouth, there had been much discussion in high circles that...
... thet sumfing sumfing sumfing or sumfing ...
...a local lawyering family, universally loathed for their lack of ethics and morals, the senior partner (William Jennings Something) was being investigated for ...
...wearing trouser with no visible means of....
... ove xkap eckape egret egritz agriss ta git owt of ...
...of a sticky situation involving a glue pot, and piece of sticky tape and a....
..........divining rod last used in Madam Fifi's parlour for...................
......strapping up a particularly reluctant......
............wallflower. Meanwhile Big Ron had lost all sense of his................
...casings tensile strength and was forced to place a mail-order for...
...a super strength batch, contaning a large amount of nitrites, which caused people to break...
....nitrogenous wind of immense volume and notably peculiar....
...noise in the note of F#, which was Big Ron's most favourite key, because it sounded like a far...
.....distant cow, enjoying the attentions of...
... " bull !"
i comandid
ye beddur git ta wun ove me hydee spotz an b hush !
if ya dunt wanna b'kum suppur
an den ...
...the most hideous accident known to man occurred, when...
...a kraken...
..ate all the casings and then lit rip with a blood curdling, ear splitting, almighty fa...
...la la la la, la la, la laaaaa...
'Is it Xmas already' inquired Big Ron? Well if it's the season to be jolly, perhaps I should start making a few of my special...'
..............inflatable sausages. That reminds me o' the best stuffin' Oi h'ever........
...had with a Sémillon. It was in Paris, near the Boulevard Soixante...
...... duex which was just a block away from...........
....disaster....
. Walking along the Bois de Boulogne with an independent air, you could hear the girls declare...
...their utter disgust with...
...the seargant major and his useless.......
...parrot called...
..."Half-Beaked Pete"...
... , A Norwegian Blue he had obtained from a down and out hedge fund manager in a dive in Caracas. He sometimes wondered whether he was right to have swapped his...
...foul mouthed blue Macaw, named 'Cedric', who had an annoying habit, which entailed...
..guffawing loudly at attractive young lasses who pass by his perch and then exposing his...
artfully tousled hairpiece to...
...unsuspecting 'Merkins...
...from the United States of...
...Mexico who had being stranded since '86 spring break...
..............were starving for......
...a wig to put on their nether...
..lander "boyfriends"....
.....large....
...throbbing....
...........outboard motor. The sea was rough and...............
...choppy, with a swell of.....
..........massive......
...white capped waves that...
.......overwhelmed the........
...Netherlanders' boyfriends who jumped overboard clutching their enormous....
........parcels of food and swam vigorously towards the coastline. Unfortunately their clothing.................
...wuz hincrusted wiv golde tringkits an...
.....attracted the magpie fish leaving the poor swimmers without any.......
...visible means of support, so they began to...
...flounder in the...
....wake of a very large......
...mob of angry flounders that...
...were angrily denouncing out-of-control gummint interference, in the form of banning seine fishing...
...as it was causing...
...too many dead species making a mess of...............
...Sir David Attenborough's...
.........programme planning with the lovely Denise.....
... Richards who was sneaking her way into...
.....Black Bart's.....
...pants...
...which were being altered by Portsmouth's foremost tailor...
...by appointment to His Majesty King Charles, none other than old silver scissors himself...
...........said scissors being waved about a bit too close to.......
..Sir David Attenborough's short and...
...remarkably ugly...
.............floppy................
...drive, on which Sir David kept his secret photographs of...
.....interesting positions.................
...of rocks left by melting glaciers in...
................secret locations deep within...................
....his basement....
.............along with his amazing....................