Dear Siblings and Mateys,
Your Agony Aunt is now open for business in the Monastery. If you have any Piratical or Monastical concerns that need addressing by non-divine intervention, please ask. You may also pretend to be Aunty Black Robe and provide us with your infinite wisdom.
RAmen.
Let the Agony Begin!
Dear Auntie Black Robe,
As a Toadfish, I try to be as tolerant as possible, but I'm having trouble in one area: I'm lactose intolerant. Is there anything you can suggest to help me be more tolerant and understanding of my dairy-based foodfriends?
Sincerely,
Trying in Toronto
Dear Trying,
You cannot be held responsible for the merely physical properties of your body. Try being spiritually tolerant of lactose, even as you avoid the unfortunate consequences of actually ingesting the stuff, by not eating any.
So long as you tolerate the existance of lactose, even its proximaty to yourself, good karma will flow. No one said you have to eat it to tolerate it.
Aunty Black Toast.
Dear Aunty Black Robe
As a toadfish sibling, I strive to be tolerant of all forms of life, including those small 6-legged creatures that are currently inhabiting my kitchen.
There are many of these, and I have taken to giving them names. There's George, Donald, Richard, Condie and their many, many siblings: George II, George III and so on.
My problem is this: even though I'm trying to be tolerant, every time I see little George IV or George XIV scurrying for the dark corners, what I really want to do is squash'em with my foot - or worse, I want to introduce strong poisons and wipe out the lot of 'em.
What's a person to do?
Dear Bob,
ye have to be true to yerself. Ye are hamstrung between yer humanity an' yer spiritual self. The moral side o' ye thinks that all things should live, while yer spiritual side recognises that ye'll be doin' em a favour by crushin them under yer boot (the varmints will be re-incarnated as something better).
I often had the same dilemma when raidin' a merchant ship.
Well, I be sure the merchants be much happier as goats or badgers or something.
Dear Auntie Black Robe
Oi be shocked ter ear thet somefolk be impersonatin ye. Can this be true?
In fact, Oi erd a lot of rumers abowt a lot of fings but most be unmentionable.
Anuver fing Oi erd was that ther Black Bart bin an ran off wiv all the cutlasses everyone as bin leavin at the door of the Monastery an no one knows where e be hidin.
Oi be puttin bungs in me ears from now on.
Lord Cap'n Earl Field Marshall (Water Div) Treadmill Snr.
Now that is funny. I have the vapors!
Quote from: NoName on September 28, 2006, 01:19:56 AM
Dear Auntie Black Robe
Oi be shocked ter ear thet somefolk be impersonatin ye. Can this be true?
In fact, Oi erd a lot of rumers abowt a lot of fings but most be unmentionable.
Anuver fing Oi erd was that ther Black Bart bin an ran off wiv all the cutlasses everyone as bin leavin at the door of the Monastery an no one knows where e be hidin.
Oi be puttin bungs in me ears from now on.
Lord Cap'n Earl Field Marshall (Water Div) Treadmill Snr.
Remember that Black Bart has been fitted wif the Pirate electronnicle watchin and trackin' boot...an' that the constabulary of the arear is well aware of his darstarly ways. They's goin' ter git him a metermaid outfit, as he been spendin' so much time in the gutters...he can mark tyres while he's crawlin thru.
Bart woodn't take all them cutlasses. He learnd a long time ago to niver steal more that yer able ter carry.
Dear Aunty Blackrobe,
YArrrr..
In me days with the Corsairs of Tunis, Oi wuz employed as a code breaker to decipher the Ottoman communications.
During a recent trip to a Museum in Paris, this Albino geezer in a monks robe started chasin me through the museum.
Ee said Oi 'had sumthin very valuable and ter hand it over. Oi barely escaped wiv me loife....Yarrrrr!
As Oi be a pirate monk. How should Oi's handle this varmint. Oi thinks is name was 'Mr Opus Day'
YArrrrrs sincerely
Capn MIDL
Dear Cap'n MIDL,
Oi be not wantin ter take Aunty Black Robe's place but even as a recent convert ter the ways o' th' Toadfish, it seems ter me that ye'd be foine takin the blaggards 'ead orf wiv yer cutlass so long as ye do it in a 'umble and respeckful way.
Cap'n One-Eye Nick
Dear Cap'n MIDL
Cap'n Bluenose be right. I's heard o' this "Hopeless Dave" monk, an' ye can feel free to hack away at 'im. I hears he enjoys it.
YArrrrr...
Mr Opus also likes to whip 'imself stupid as an act of contrition. He would 'ave loved being on my ship. He could have saved me the trouble of regular crew floggins.
Maybe if Oi can makes 'im feel guilty enough, he'll flog 'imself to death.
YArrrrrr...
Opus was asked to leave The Black Spot's ship as the floggings were not severe enough. Last I heard Spot was using a Knout
Dear Auntie,
Quote from: Bluenose on September 27, 2006, 11:02:01 PM
No one said you have to eat it to tolerate it.
Aunty Black Toast.
Umm... really? Wow. Is
my face ever red!
Do you know of any cannibal support groups? Something along the lines of a "Human-anon"?
Sincerely,
Was Trying, Now Confused, In Toronto
Human-anon? I thought that as with the AA meetings the first thing you did was to say your name.
On the topic of tolerance and cannibalism, perhaps you should talk to the nice German chap that ate a very willing volunteer.
Personally as Human (and anon :D) the only form of cannibalism I support is metaphoric and with my significant other. ;D ;D ;D
Dear Auntie Black Hood
Ther be a terruble risk of mistekin identity. Wot wiv everyone bein idden by their long robes (witch be a right pain wen tryin to run a ship Oi can tell yer an wot wiv them gettin rapped round me peg leg).
Some scruvy scum be thinkin that Mr Opus Day be none ovver than Opsanus Tau oo be often known as Opus. Oi dunno as ow it might be intentional identity theft, but it Oi can smell truble.
Yours confidentially
Lord Cap'n Earl Cap'n Lordy Lordy Treadmill (Portsmouth Passport Office)
Opus Day?? Of Opus Day an' the Knights??
Yaaaargh, they be me fav'rit musical conglomeration...
Sincerely,
Bloody Bertram Benderhatcher, MPE, DDS (Mrs.)
If we consider the diet of vegetarians, can we conclude that cannibals are humanitarians?
Dear Aunty Black Robe,
Followin' a recent delivery of carrots to a 'Mr B. Bunny' one of me crew members skin started to turn orange.
O'im afraid he got stuck into the carrot cargo and now he's complainin' that he can see all'goings on' in the dark. He keeps asking 'Whats up with Doc' or sumthin' silly.
As me crew be very private in all their dealin's, O'im afraid he may see a few things he's not supposed to see.
Would it be best if Oi give 'im two eye patches until the carrots wear off?
Yours Sincerely,
Capn Beta Carotene
Dear Cap'n Carotene
Ye must get rid o' this blaggard at once afore 'ee disrupts the whole ship.
I suggests ye get a wifle and cweep up on 'im vewy, vewy, quietly.
Yours
Cap'n Fudd
Yarr, Cap'n Fudd be given yer good advice there, but make sure it's wabbit season.
Cap'n Daffy
Cap'n Carotene....
Tell the blaggart to shut 'is gob, as Doc's on the lam. Letters, bags o' doubloons and the loike can be forwarded 'ere:
Doc Otis c/o Sibling Agujjim
Toadfish Monastery
North Portsmouth
Quote from: Bluenose on October 03, 2006, 12:37:31 PM
Yarr, Cap'n Fudd be given yer good advice there, but make sure it's wabbit season.
Cap'n Daffy
Yarrrr, but it be Duck Season...
Auntie...
Me crew and Oi made a big haul. We captured a ship owned by someone named Brach. It were full o' crates and crates o' gold doubloons.
Me crew stacked 'em on the deck in da hot sun, and now me ship is covered in melted chocolate and little pieces of foil.
What do I do?
Cap'n Confuddled
Dear Cap'n Confuddled,
ye be in a bit o' a fix here. Ship's rats be very partial t' chocolate.I suggests ye get a few more cats aboard before the rats take over. I kin suggest a place where ye might obtain a few fer free.
Yours
Officer Dibble
Yarr, be careful o' any o' them thar cats wot have glow in the dark red eyes. Cap'n DaveL had a bit o' trubble wi' one o' they ones a while back...
An anonymouse friend
YArrrr...O'id better explain Tiddles the Cat to Aunty Blackrobe.
Tiddles used to be me favourite bilge ratting ole puss. When Oi punished him for bein lazy, he turned all evils and devilish on me.
He ended up mutineerin'and takin over me ship. Now he sails the Meditereanean plunderin' merchant vessels for their wares.
Oi hears he may try to enter the Monastery...(yikes!)
Yaaarrr, 'tis sad when yer own puss terns on yer...
Mebbe he jist become a Republican, and wi' get ovvur it arfter the next US elections.
Dear Aunty Blackrobe,
Durin a recent naval exchange in the Indies. Oi found a very large canonball had lodged in me crewman's Bob's forehead.
At first me crew were terrified, but after a few days they got used Ole Bob's metallic disposition.
Now they be makin up jokes abouts him like:
'Knock Knock...Whos there'...'Bob'...'Bob Who'
'Bob down or you'll get a canon ball stuck in yer head'
Or when someone gets a headache, they keep sayin'
'I've got a mighty 'Bob's head' comin on'
Can yer help me educate me crew about bein' a bit more sensitive to his unfortunate disposition?
Kind Regards,
Capn Paracetamol
Dear Cap'n Paracetamol
If Oi weres you Oi'd tell yer crew ter find anuvver ship. They sound mighty cruel ter me.
Best,
Lord Cap'n Earl Cap'n Lord Treadmill-Sackum von Oilywaters
Dear Cap'n Paracetamol
Sorry to hear about your yer friend's unfortunate accident.
Just make sure that ye he doesn't listen to any o' that Motaaarrrhead 'ead bangin' music. The consequences on a crowded dance floor be too terrible to contemplate.
Yours
Cap'n Fluff Freeman
Dear Auntie Blackrobes
I be an honest seafarin Pirate who aint got nothin to do with recent mutinous behaviour whats been a goin on. Would ye loik to buy some nice stew?
Yours Capn Jamie Oliver
Dear Cap'n Jamie...
Arn HONEST pirate. Me thinks you air a disgrace to all of piratin'. Nobody trust arn honest pirate.
A Concern'd Pirate
Dear Cap'n Jamie
Oi bet yer stew be too thick ter suck through any railins.
Lord Lord Lord Cap'n Treadmill-Boris
Dear Lord Lord Lord Cap'n Treadmill-Boris
Ye clearly be the product of a public school and aint never loikly to eat no stew. I successfully distributed Redde Cowwe pies to the local heducation Hauthority but only for use as door stops!
Yours Capn pie squasher.
Dear Wise Ones
I been recently banned from navigatin tha ship doing to tha fact I wuz head banging to Mega Death (the #1 poirate heavy band o all times!) and we almost went aground in tha Caspian Sea. Althogh we didna go aground some o the poirates soiled their codpieces and our poor wee cabin boy- Swabbers- fell out o the crows nest and is now sportin a goodish lump on 'is noggin. He be seein only double today so 'e is improvin- the barber suposes he won't be passin on anyway.
What could I be a doin to regains the trust o me shipmates and me captain?
truly yours
Saucy Gert Pettigrew ( I been moonlightin on the side so I be obliged ifin ya don't snitch me out at the Benebow)
Dear Cap'n Saucy
It be soundin' like ye've hacked yer crew right off.
There be only one solution. Hang yer cook. I finds this always be a great morale booster.
Yours
Cap'n Popular-But-Starving
Dear Cap'n Popular:
Oi've a special treat for ye, on behalf o' the Galley Guild. Goes by the name o' Cleaver Surprise...
Ye can 'ave a Banana Split wit' crushed nuts for dessert.
Doc Choppy
Quote from: The Black Spot on October 06, 2006, 03:11:12 PM
Hang yer cook. I finds this always be a great morale booster.
Dear Cap'n Popular-But-Starving
Are there any members of your crew that avoid the long drop due to their indispensibility and value to the crew and ship (apart from yerself o course)?
Yours Capn Judge Jeffries
Dear Auntie Bathrobe
Morale on me ship be a bit low, an me cook's done a runner.
How do I catch the bastid?
Yours
Cap'n Queeg
Dear Cap'n Queeg,
Ye shud ave nailed is peg leg to the deck long afore now.
Ifin 'e made is ashore in Tahiti then ye mightent no ketch 'im.
An whomever be a servin the vittles nowins migh' best be wearin notin under 'is kilt as it might distract from the poor grub till ye can getst a newwish cook.
sorry I been a no 'elp
Saucy Gert Pettigrew
Dear Cap'n Queeg
Yer wanna check wevver which appen first. Mebbe yer crew be missin the cookin. Did e leave anyfin on ther boil? Yer culd pour it over em that'd liven em up.
Lord Cap'n Count von Delia-Treadmill
Dear Aunty Blackrobe,
As yet we have not bin plagued by cross-thread-itis. Do yer think it will last?
Koind Regards,
Capn Straight Laced
Dear Capn Straight Laced
I think there be a general ban on innuendo what with this bein a monastry an all...
Oy, brother Carlos...careful with that enormous church candle ye nearly stuck it right up me...
Yours Capn Broken Vows
Help me, me First Mate as run off with me wench. I really miss him, what shall I do?
Dear Auntie Blackrod
The other night I were dreaming that I were eating a big crusty meat pie.
The next morning I couldn't find me pet tortoise anywhere.
D'ye know where I can pick up a few more?
Yours,
Cap'n Birdseye
Quote from: Calico Jack on October 10, 2006, 03:59:30 PM
Help me, me First Mate as run off with me wench. I really miss him, what shall I do?
Dear Calico Jack
sends 'im a free dinner pass for tha Admiral Benbow and be thare watin on 'im sos ye can explains fings to 'im and sos 'e sees how much ye needs 'im on tha ship. In addition I willa be sure to keep 'is tankard full o our bestest ale!
Sincere like
Saucy Gert Pettigrew
Dear Aunty Black Berry.
Me monkey wus pinched orf me shoulder at the footy turnamint las' season. Some o' them Hooligans (not OUR Hooligans, them bad 'uns) was mauradin' about bein' cheeky, and he just was thar one moment, gone the next.
My insewerants comp'ny, Lloyd's of Lleeds, chose to replace him wiv a "creature of equal or better value" and have give me a monkey that is of a much larger size. Oi'm not sure wha' kind he be, but he claims to ha' been raised near a cousin called KoKo. (Me second mate be deaf, an' he an me monkey be able to communicate quite smartly. The monkey ha' taught me 2nd mate sevral new werds.)
Oi'm wonderin' if Oi should just sign him up as a crew member an get meself a parrot. (He can raise the mains'l and brace the masts as fast by himself as me crew can do werkin togevver.) Me only uvver alternative is to build a large perch onto the shoulder of me jacket, as the little bloke be weighin' near 13 stone, an' shows no sign o' stoppin' soon.
Oi'm about to think them people at Lloyd's got me the wrong kind o' monkey...
So, dear Auntie, do Oi promote me monkey to crewman an' git me a parrot, er shuld Oi keep the littul feller on me shoulder as long as Oi can still stand up??
Most Sincelery,
Cap'n Mortland Pendergrass Smythe-Smith John
Cap'n Mortland...
Seein' as how your monkey's pers'nal hygiene is likely better 'an your crews', and can prob'ly count higher, I says make him a full member o' the crew. And see if'n he will take his loot in bananas.
Dear Cap'n Mortland,
Cood Oi get th name o the place wot you got yer monkey from, Oi'd loike ter get wun jest loike im coz 'e sounds loike 'e wud be much better than me curr'nt crewe. Reckon e'd be cheaper to feed too.
Cap'n Bluenose
Dear Antie Black Adder
All this talk of monkeys as made me
yearn for some o those great shanties o the 60s:
Last ship to Clarkesville.
I'm a Buccaneer believer etc etc
It also reminds me o the time I swapped me hentire crew for a bunch o monkeys...it worked out well, but that be a story for 'Far fetched annecdotes o the sea' if ever it returns.
Quote from: Black Bart on October 11, 2006, 01:52:41 PM
Dear Antie Black Adder
All this talk of monkeys as made me
yearn for some o those great shanties o the 60s:
Last ship to Clarkesville.
I'm a Buccaneer believer etc etc
Ye'll be off to Davy Jones' locker if ye keep up with that rot around 'ere!
Dear Auntie Black Robe
Can ye clarify somehtin what's buggin me. Is Davy Jones a horrible tentacled monster what lives in the deep or is he that English bloke from 'The Monkeys' what wouldn't harm a cabin boy?
Yours Capn Jack Sparrow
Dear Captain Black Sparrow,
whilst I believe your question betrays deep seated emotional issues I can provide you with a simple answer. Google it, hit I'm feeling lucky and go with that! I even went so far as to do it for you....
http://www.davyjones.net/
and it is indeed the guy from the Monkees.
yours
auntie black robe
YYYAAARRR he be lookin good for someone what lives under water!
Dear Auntie Black Robe
I has met a gorgious young lady in the Indies what wants to marry me. However I has some reservations and need yer fine dependable advice. We wents to see the bishop to harrange the ceremony and he looked at us very stern like and said, "sex before marriage is wicked"...himagine my shock when the young lady sais: "Yes, and it's brilliant after marriage aswell!"
I thinks the young wench be a bit flighty...should I go ahead with the match or not?
Dear Bart,
As to ye wench prolem
Practice makes perfect ;D
have fun
Der Auntie Black Robe,
Yesterday Oi saw an ole adversary of mine...Capn Hossenfeffer. He was extremely upset that he was written out of the Continuous Salty Tale.
Oi tolds 'im that he was an 'old hat pirate' and that Big Ron was far more interesting. Then he started cryin'...
Oi tolds him that he just wasn't innuendoey enuff for us blaggards.
Can yer give Capn Hossenfeffer some advice on becomin' a modern day pirate?
Koind Regards,
Capn 'orrible Bastid (wears Prada)
Dear Worried in the Indies
Beware!! Remember what happened to Mr Rochester. Why not hang on a while until you find a nice English governess?
Lord Cap'n Earl Count Treadmill-Bronte
Quote from: anthrobabe on October 12, 2006, 04:12:03 PM
Dear Bart,
As to ye wench prolem
Practice makes perfect ;D
have fun
YYYAAARRRR...I've had plenty o time to practise durin me long voyages...it be toim fer the real thing!
YArrrr...
Bart, Oi thinks O'ill let that one go through to the keeper (or short stop).
Dear Aunty Blacklove.
I think I'm in love. I've been havin' a dream about one o' Mme Fifi's lasss for a week now. I just can't get t' young lady out o' me head.
Is thar a cure? I don't want t' be seen by me crew as a softie.
Best regards Captain Grog Cupid
Dear Capn Grog Cupid
Tis a mistake to loose yer heart to a lady o the night...it be far too expensive for one thing. My advice would be to hang around the entrance to Pirgella's Evening cookery classes where ye might meet a nice young wench on her way back from learnin how to make the best stuffin. Then arter invitin her round for Sunday Lunch ye can quite likely say: "That's the best stuffin I've ever had!"
Dear Auntie Black Robe
November the Fifth be approachin' an me crew are getting all excited. They's bin makin' fireworks an collecting driftwood to make a big bonfire. They's also made a big effigy o' Guy Fawkes to burn on the fire. I said to the swabs "Arrr, yer Guy looks a bit wrong to me." an' they all said "No,no,no, Captain. It's absolutely perfect for the bonfire."
I'm not sure though - did Guy Fawkes really have a pegleg, hook, eyepatch and a parrot? And did 'ee really wear a captain's hat?
Yours
Cap'n Howie
Yaaarr!! Cap'n Howie,
That be a variant on the old Fawke Andles mix up. Tell yer crew to look that up on Google. That'll sort em owt.
Yours
Cap'n Lord Count Treadmill-Wick
YYYAAARRR... By the toim his illiterate crew ave learned how to use Google, Capn Howie'l be burned to a crisp!
Still twill be a nice display to watch, I'll sort out the baked potatoes and the sparklers.
Dear Aunty Black Robe,
There is a very rude butcher, who keeps talking about sausages all the time. Please tell him to stop at once!!
Yours prudisihly,
Lord Albert Uppington Penning-Smythe IV
Dear Lord Albert Uppington Penning-Smythe IV
Oi thinks ye be a bit muddled loike. It be rude ter keep avin a butchers at someones sausages.
Not yours at all yer rude b!
Lord Cap'n Earl Cap'n Private Treadmill
Dear Aunty BlackBottom,
Oi hev herd that thar be a goodly number o' Poirates here thet read quoite hesitantly. Do yer think Oi should write slower ter make it easyier fer them to read??
Capt. Willard "Gumby" Pokewhistle-Ponder Smythe
Dear Capn Willard,
Knowin' the literacy skills of pirates, O'id say that the chance of a pirate bein able to read anything at all would be near zilch.
O'id be goin' for hieroglyphics or a talking book, as anything that involves connecting letters and sentences together will just throw 'em totally.
Koind Regards,
Aunty Blackboard
Dear Auntie Blackrum.
In t' past few days I've been "shoppin'" for beer and rum for t' Football Squad and in order t' brin' some o' it aft t' t' monastery, I forbid me crew t' drink any o' it. T' be a good captain, I haven't had any meself either.
But now me crew be becomin' very upset becuase o' t' lack o' alcohol and I fear a mutiny. Because o' t' lack o' alcohol in me blood, I'm too weak t' fight them on me own.
What shall I do?
Yours sincerely Captain Alcohol Boy the Alcoholic
Dear Capn Al
Ye be in big trouble thar. Ye could try distractin yer crew with appropriate hentertainment such as dancin girls from the far flung islands of Thong or puttin on a nice cabarrrret! Should ye not survive, the players o Piratica appreciates yer sarcrifice!
Yours Capn Thirsty
Dear Auntie BlackBill
Me frend Michael as bin elpin the perlice wiv ther enquiries. Oi be worryin Oi moight lose me title. Wot can I do ter keep it?
Lord Cap'n Lord Lord Lord Treadmill-Skint OBE
Dear Lord Cap'n Lord Lord Lord Treadmill-Skint OBE,
There be too much emphasis placed upon titles these days. People only use them to cover up their own insecurities. So judging by the length of yours, O'id say you'd be near paranoid. O'id say you could afford to lose at least 3 of those Lord titles, and still hold yer own in His Majesty's court. Losin' yer double barreled surname wouldn't hurt either.
As you be as rich man though, O'im sure you can come to some...ermmm...understanding wif the authorities. Perhaps your friends testimony could go "missing".
Arrr...the power of the dubloon.
Kind Regards,
Aunty
YYYAAARRRR...
Thar be nowt wrong wiv double barrel names just look at the loiks of:
Tara Palmer Thomkinson
Camilla Parker Bowles
Helena Bonnham Carter
Heather Mills McCartney...
AAAARGH I see what ye mean matey...what a bunch o landlubbers!
Dear Auntie Blackmail
Summat terribul as appened.
Yours
Treadmill.
Dear Treadmill
Thank 'ee fer the heads-up. We'll all be gettin' our stories straight. Looks bad for thee, though. See yer in court.
Cap'n Watertight
Dear Auntie Black Robe
I be concerned about the sudden outbreak o name shortenin as hilustrated by Capn Lord Treadmill etc etc. Where will it all end and will I have to loose half o my name - I come from a long line o peelers and I be afeared I might loose the stable bit!
Yours Capn C-_tstable
Dear Auntie Blackrobe
I did some shoppin' on Arr-Bay the other day. I saw summit that looked really good, an' I bidded on it. A couple o' days later a boxful o' right old rubbish were delivered to me. It were all dreadful tat, nothin' like the description at all.
Something must be done about this. There must be some way to stop yer biddin' on yer own auctions.
Cap'n Daley
Dear Cap'n Daley
Don't put yer own name on the Arr-Bay listing. Then you won't buy yer own stuff.
Yours
Treadmill
Dear Auntie Blackstuff
Legend has it that Capn Cronan's Treasure be more splendid than all the treasures o the Orient. However I has heard a rumour, in the smoky back room o 'The Admiral Benbow', that what the treasure be actually is an empty Old Nick bottle stuffed with Ye Redde Cowe beer vouchers! Be thar any truth in this fabulous rumour...I needs to know because I just bought the genuine Capn Cronan Treasure map of Arr-Bay.
Yours Capn Arnie Sacnussem
Dear Cap'n Arnie
Many be the legends surroundin' Cap'n Cronan's treasure. While it be true that 'ee has a hoard o' beer tokens an a carton o' 200 Superkings hidden under 'is bed, all the gold an' jewels be buried in a secret place. Until 'ee can find an off-license that sells beer an' fags in exchange fer plunder that is.
Dear Auntie BlackPlague,
Me parrot is ackuzin' me monkey of hinterspecies Sexual Harrassment fer messin' wiv her feavvers an' not keepin' 'is paws to 'himself. Oi hev troied ter hexplane that 'ee don't mean no 'arm by it, 'ee's just checkin' fer tiny livestock, but se be determined to see it through.
In th' meantoime, th' monkey is arskin' me HR Director if there be a rule against datin and/or marryin' wiffin' the firm. How do I convince th' two o' them ter get to know each ovver better before many mistakes are made?
Yours,
Captain Lord Confusin' Procrastinator Jones- Jones Highsmith, MBE, PhD, EIEIO
Dear Auntie Blackhanders
Oi be puzzled ow come sum peeple be gettin away wiv the titles an double-barrel names in these tryin times.
Mebbe you culd pass me name onto the roight person ?
Treadmill
cc. ISP
Yarrrr that be immunity service provider Yaaaarr!
Treadmill:
Simple thievery.
Au. BlBd.
YArrrr...
What sort of blasphemy are you sproutin' Treadmill? Shouldn't that be Tread-mill, wif a few Lords and Esquires thrown in?
YYYAAARRRR Dear Auntie B
It be toim fer me to reveal me true title in these henlightened toims...
I wish ta be known as:
Captain Bartholomew Roberts OFH, HOC, SSDC, CEO Bart Industries.*
*: OFHS - Order of the Fish Head, HOC - Head of Cloning, SSDC - Survivor of the Scurvy Disciplinary Court.
Dear Blackbone
ey up they even stripped yer title. this be serius.
Oi'm wiritin to me MPP. Copy below.
Yours Treadmill
Sir Jim-Jams Felony
Member of Parliament for Pirates
Dear Jim Lad
Oi be writin to enquire when we gets our titles back. Some people (names witheld) be using fake wuns. Ye can tell oo they be by their names Yaaaaar! Oi lent me title to ther enquiree an Oi cant see why they are hanging onto it -cept it does av a habit of changin? Do yer think that may av something to wiv it being kept from me so long?
Yours Treadmill..£££
Dear Auntie Backhander,
Oi bin tryin ter order sum supplies from a sertin pirate wot az gone all poncy loike and expecks me ter call 'im "yer grayce" and "yer lordship" and such 'an Oi doan fink it be propper. 'E sez 'e won't supply me wiv ani fish 'ead stew unless Oi place an order in writin to Captain B_______ R_______ OFH, HOC, SSDC, CEO B___ Industries (no names no pack-drill, loike), wen all Oi ever dun before was to send me cabin boy round an tell 'im ter deliver wot Oi need ter my victualling yard.
Jess coz 'e az added sum fake titles ter is name dosn't mean Oi gotta bow and scrape does it?
Cap'n Confuzed
YYYAAARRRR don't ye worry matey, I be sure ye've got a few letters to put arter yer name. Ye can start with:
SSDC - Survivor of the Scurvy Disciplinary Court. So far that be just about everybody - not a single hangin! Then ye could ave:
OTPL - Owner o the Turbo peg legs!
It be just to impress the wenches.
;D
Dear Auntie Blackscrubmine
Oi bin appointed ter ther enquiree inter them titles scandals. So far we delt wiv OBS JCB U.N.C.L.E WHO an Bart. We've banned em all. Oi'd be appy ter deal wiv any ovvers ye suggest.
Treadmill Inc. Sub-Contracter
Dear Auntie B
As usual we went Trick or Treatin on haloween in Portsmouth. For extra effect this year we took Capn Cronan with us...no bugger would open their door and we came home without so much as a pear drop! As ye got any suggestions fer next year?
Yours Capn Donald Pleasance
It be simple you be using Cap'n Cronan for the wrong occasion. Leave it 5 days and then throw him on the fire on Guy Fawkes Night.
Yours helpfully Auntie Black Robe
Dear Auntie Blackbeard
YYAARRGGH...I be afeerd I be loosin me grip on reality. I keeps havin nightmares about Pirate Ladies chasin me with meat cleavers and demonstratin their uncanny choppin abilities on onions. I thinks the membrane between reality and the events o the Continuous Briny Fable be blurrin! I has never been the victim o female violence apart from havin an Apple Strudle thrown at me by a German woman. Can you give me anything to sleep better?
Yours Capn Red Eyes
Dear Red Eyes
Nuffin puts a man to sleep quicker than an Apple Strudle - especially if an East German woman hits yer between the eyes with it.
I's sure Madame Fifi could arrange it; she gets all manner o' strange requests.
Yours
Auntie Cadillac.
Dear Auntie Blackness
Belay that last plee from the heart. There be nothin I loik more than havin a gorgeous wench pelt me with my favourite desert! As long as it aint Apple Strudle or Rock cakes as they can prove fatal!
Yours Capn Kinky
Dear Cap'n Kinky
QuoteThere be nothin I loik more than havin a gorgeous wench pelt me with my favourite desert!
I's afraid all me best girls be booked up at the moment, but would ye be interested in havin' BingoWings Agnes throw a bucket o' fish head stew over ye?
Yours
Cap'n Redlight
YArrrr...
Madame Fifi's girls include the food throwin'as standard. If the visit goes awry, at least you wont leave hungry...yarr!
YYYAAARRR...if it be anything loik last toim, the custard was a bit lumpy!
Dear Auntie Black Widow
Oi erd yer do exsellent insurance and pension policies an if'n Oi pay enuff loike ye'll giv me a peep under yer hood.
Oi be sendin me check in fer yer consideration. Please tell me yer terms an conditions by return. Oi claim me 14 years ter roight ter cancel.
Cap'n Lord Treadmill-Banks
Dear Capn Lord Tradmill,
For starters, Oi don't trust youse insurance blighters. O'id much prefer me ill gotten gains O'ive accumulated through murdering and pillagin'.
O'im currently in great pirate managed fund ie It's buried in a big hole in the ground yewl never foind. No fees and charges in my account!
YArrr!
Dear Auntie B
Sometime ago I was found guilty at the Scurvy Disciplinary Court and sentenced to Transportation to the Southern hemisphere. The sentence was later commuted to electronic tagging and to make certain improvements to me crew's diet. Every so often an inspector turns up to check on my progress. The first toim he poked his nose in I forgot all about me punishment and made the blaggard walk the plank! After a period of community service where I was forced to improve the signage fer Madame Fifi's various hestablishments, the inspector turned up again. This toim I explained I had made improvements to the Fish Head Stew...foolishly the man insisted on tastin it! Anyway my question be...how many hinspectors does the Scurvy Disciplinary Court intend to send round as I cannot be held responsible for the death toll!
Dear Cap'n Black Bart
Ye need not worry yersel. Wen they run out o Inspectors, they'll be slingin ye in a Portsmouth bail hostelry. Ther ye will be sooopervised an therefore free ter do wotever ye loike. Oi ear them places be great fun.
Dear Aunty Blackrobe,
As a concerned citizen, O'im outraged that Portsmouth Chamber of Commerce has stooped to new lows, releasin 'The Men of Portsmouth Calendar'. Oi wuz going to call the police. However, as Constable Wilkins appears as 'Mr August' bearing only a truncheon, there be no hopes.
Portsmouth already be a centre of vice, wif Madame Fifi's and the Pirates running around. What's next, poisonous fishhead stew?
Please make 'em stop!
Kind Regards,
Concerned Citizen
Dear Concerned Citizen,
ye don't fool me. Ye be Rancid Keith Flack 'oo runs the cake shop. Yer only upset 'cos yer not in the calendar. Yer swiss roll be too small.
Yours
Auntie
Dear Auntie Blacked Out Expurgated Parts
I never gave my permission fer me photo ta be used in the naughty calendar. I be wonderin how they got a photo taken from that angle...Oh hang on a minute I remembers now, that night, madame Fifi's, fourteen tankards o Blackbeards Revenge Stout...it's all comin back...
How come the lense didn't mist up?
Dear Bart
I remembers bettin' the boys in the tavern that I'd get a picture o ye wi' yer crutch behind yer neck an' yer spyglass bent double.
Even after buyin' yer 14 pints o' "Blackbeard's Revenge" I still made 15 Guineas profit.
Yours
Auntie Darkroom
Dear Auntie Darkroom
Let that be a warnin to all those young inexperienced pirates out there...14 pints o Blackbeard's Revenge + uncompromising position without proper regalia + cold foggy Porstmouth air = 3 nights in bed with flu and only Pirgella to rub vic on me chest! Or was it Bingo Wings Agnes? It was all a blur...
Yours Calendar Boy
Dear Auntie BlackSushi
Oi bin invited up ter Lunnon fer sum meetins wiv a few Cap'ns. Oi eard ther be an outbraik o strainje poisenin ther an be wunnerin if yer knows if Bart's fish-had stew as reeched em parts yet? Oi be afeard an wunnerin if it be safe ter go?
Yous
Cap'n Lord Earl Treadmill-Brolly
Dear Cap'n Lord Earl Treadmill-Brolly
I think that Bart not be allowed within the city walls, so ye be all right there. As long as ye avoid any glow-in-the-dark pies served up by a man in a homburg an' trenchcoat I think ye'll be OK.
Yours
Auntie Checkpoint
Dear Auntie Black Sausage
I had a meetin with a noice Russian bloke t'other night who was prepared to sell me Fishe Heade Stewe on the Russian Black market. After we sealed the deal for four thousand barrels to Moscow he insisted on a sample fer himself loik. I was prepared fer such an outcome and had cleverly diluted the Stew with Polonium 210 which had reduced the bright neon glow of the stew to a normal pea soup consistancy. Anyway my question be do ye think it be more dangerous to be a Pirate or a Russian Spy?
Yours
Captain Anthony Blunt
Dear Cap'n Blunt
Re yer questiun.
It depend wear yer be. If ye be a Pirate an yer stick ter the high seas ther be no evidence it be dangerus. Jest keep away from them new-fangled flying ships. An peeple wot speek funny.
Lord Cap'n Auntie Treadmill-Brolly
With the festive season sweepin up on the Port side in full sail I've taken the liberty o lookin back to last year. here's a couple of insites as to what wuz goin on then, first one's by me and the reply is The Black Spot:
Dear Auntie
I has been a good Pirate this year (up until me plot to capture Santa with an enormous net). I has treated me crew to a plate o biscuits every month and only had em Keel Hauled if they look at me sideways.
I has asked Santa for a new Tricorn Hat (me parrot shat all over the old un) and a Sonar installation so I can search fer the Wreck o the Hisparus.
Do I have ta go ta bed early and should I leave Santa a pickled Herring or a Mug o Rum?
Yours Sincerely
Captain Tiny Tim
Dear Tiny Tim,
well, assuming a worst case scenario (Santa escapes the nets, rockets, cannons, grapeshot and Iraqi supergun) I suggests ye leaves 'im an alka seltzer. Cap'n DaveL is bound t' leave Santa a bowl o' fish head stew, an I reckons he'll be in dire need o' something medicinal.
Arrr...
Dear Aunty Blackrub,
Someone told me Santa Claus doesn't exist. Does this spoil our plans for this years anti-aircraft action?
Dear DaveL,
Of course Santa exists, at least for now*. Who do you think eats all the fruitcake and drinks the glasses of port/whisky/rum left out on Christmas eve? And just who do you think leaves all the presents under the tree for the little kiddies to break on Christmas morning? The tooth fairy? The Easter bunny, perhaps? You know in your heart that Santa is real, now get back to work on making that special celebration dinner for your crew.
*It remains to be seen what the case is after your "anti-aircraft action".
Auntie
Dear Auntie Blackpants
As usual I has been in a quandry tryin to think what ta buy me bunch o cutthr...me loyal crew for Xmas. I has searched on Aaaarghbay, nothin but tat on there. I searched on Arrrghmazon...too expensive. As ye got any suggestions on what to buy the crew what has everything...they've already got vouchers for 2 minutes at madame Fifi's, a years supply o Fishe Heade Stewe and Pirgella's 'Hot in the Galley' cook book.
Yours Capn Scrooge
Dear Cap'n Scrooge,
Ye culd offer em a "Free Cruise" and then set sail on a sorty o' lootin an' plunderin on the Spanish Main. Not only will ye be keepin' yer crewe 'appy, but ye'll be makin a tidy proffitte as well.
Auntie Blackheart
Dear Auntie Black is Black
Thank ye for the suggestions, but we spent our summer vacation in Spain and the Spanish Navy be still on the lookout fer us!
Yours,
Capn Errol
Dear Auntie BlackArts
That fella Davy Jones Hockney be wantin ter paint me crew's portraits fer is new exibission. Do yer think e be an onest blokie or be e after the perlice rewards?
Yours
Lord Cap'n Earl Treadmill-Poolside
Dear Lord Cap'n Earl Treadmill-Poolside
That Hockney fellar be a right lubber. I seen one o his paintins o water and it were crap. All he'd done was wack a bit o blue paint on and drawn a big splash in t'middle with a dab o white paint. The blaggard couldn't even be bovered to draw some waves!
Ye'd be better off commissionin that new up and comin artist...what's is name...Picaaaarghso. At least he can draw faces.
Yours,
Capn Brian Sewell
Dear Cap'n Brian Sewell
Oi don't know as oo ye can be referrin ter. Davey Jones Hockney draws loads o waves.
<image removed>
Me cabin boys be gettin excited abawt is proposed visit.
Oi bet yer crew think ye be a spoilsport. Ther be no better sport than swimmin.
Yours
Cap'n Lord Earl Cap'n Treadmill-Pool
Dear Sewell
I has no truck wi' artists meself. One came aboard me ship to paint me portrait last week. I sez to 'im "Arrrr... paint me proper. Don't pretty it up, paint me warts an' all."
"Certainly Captain," he said, and went to work. A few days later, 'ee said it were finished.
When 'ee unveiled it in front o' me an me crew, I were shocked. What 'ee had painted looked nothing like the fine figure o' a man that I saw in the mirror each morning.
Me noble, thoughtful face 'ad bin replaced by brutish, primitive lookin' features. Me cheery grin 'ad become a thin lipped evil smirk, an me gentle, contemplative eye peered out with a reptilian stare of low cunning. The whole thing had a ghastly air o' smug viciousness about it.
Enraged, I turned to me crew. "'Oo thinks this looks like me?" I hollered. Everyone shook their heads rapidly. I turned to the artist an' I lost me temper a bit with 'im.
Oh well, expect me to be sellin' a secondhand beret an' a few brushes an paints on Arrr-Bay shortly.
Dear Sewell
Oi's ad ter remove the painting by Davy Jones Hockney. It appears that it were playgiary or summat an Oi ad a load o complaynts. Oi ope ter win ther bid on aaaarghbay fer a portrait o The Black Spot but Oi as swarn I wont go abuv 3 farthins fer it.
Yours
Lord Cap'n Earl Treadmill-Poolside
Dear Black Spot
I disagrees with ye, them artists fellars can come in handy. Take the toim when I were accused of not buyin a round a drinks at the Pirates' Tortuga Beach Party. Luckily I had bumped into Gauguin who appened to be passin through on his way to Tahiti, and I had the fellar paint the whole scene with me handin over a huge bag o dubloons to the bartender.
I keeps the picture in me cabin, so when me crew come in fer their monthly wages - four and half biscuits each - they can plainly see what a generous Capn be lookin arter them.
Dear Auntie BlackTeeth,
Me computer has gone wahoonie-shaped on me, and Oi am reduced to th' borrowin' of computational abilities from an ol' shipmate. 'Ee be a roight foine feller, but 'ee 'as arl these hextra knobs and buttons on his computer fer stuff that no respektibul Poirate needs.
Me question is, shuld I jist corntinyu to use 'is device, since 'ee is tryin' ter repair moine, er shud Oi flog this 'un and buy grog?
Your Obdt. Servt.
Captain Clueless
Dear Cap'n Clueless,
Oime shure the answer ter yer question be found if ye look deep in ye 'eart. Tis obvious ye shuld wate til yer shipmate 'as got yer komputa werkin agin an then go fer the grog option.
Boi the way, wuld ye be interested in one o Prune Komputer's latest gadjets, the pPhone? It be jess the fing fer all ye piratical kommunicashuns, ye can use PMS (the Pirate messagin Systum), Send em pmails, store all ye favrite sea shanties and wotch yer faverite pirate movees and even talk ter all yer blaggards on it. It be a right new must 'ave fer the modden pirate and only 500 Dubloons.
Cap'n Blackmarket
Dear Cap'n Blackmarket
It was ye what sold me that job lot of special life vests weren't it ...
When me ship sank in Portsmouth harbour they turned out to be inflatable cabin boys ye blaggard!
It was the position of the inflation valve what caused the most embarrassment!
Yours Capn Redface
Dear Aunty Blackbeard,
Life in prison ain't exactly a hoot.
Oi've been forced to share me prison cell wif Elroy 'The Brute' Timmins. Elroy was incarcerated for going beserk and murderin' 6 of his majesties finest ina tavern one night.
What's worse, I 'aves to share a bunk wifs him. As Elroy is on the top bunk, his weight causes awful sag in the matress. Plus he snores like a jackhammer.
From time to time, Elroy gets lonely and needs a cuddle. Oi keep tellin him he's a grown man, and only babies need cuddles.
Other than that he's well balanced and fine.
Do yer think Oi 'aves anything to worry about?
Kind Regards,
Bustlin' Brian
Dear Brian
D' ye remember the toim ye came round ta fix me plumbin...
D'ye remember what my husband did with the plunger arter he saw what a terrible job ye'd done...
That's what Elroy's going to do you unless you can glue yer back to the wall!!!
Dear Auntie Black Robe,
Oi be a stewdent o' the Portsmouth Piratical Public Skool and th' other day there were a gianormous exploshun durin our distillery class. Oi noticed that after the insewerants claim were payed that the new still be a Stillmaster 3000 Ultra Professional instedd o' the bit o' old rubbish wot woz there before. I speck there as been a bit of creative claimin goin on, an Oi wood not be surprised if our Distillery Master were not involved 'coz 'e be shifty lookin character.
Wot dyer rekommende be me approach - shuld Oi jess blackmail 'im, or do ye think Oi orta try a more subtle approach. We bin gettin sum good advice in ARGH 109 where Mr Kyoodle as been teachin us some o' the finer points o' wealth liberatin, but Oi not be shoore if it be a good idea to try 'em owt on the faculty staff.
Master Sneeky Basket
Dear Mr S.M Basket,
Your plan be a very devious one and Oi thinks that Mr Kiyoodle would be most impressed wifs yer initiative. O'id be checkin to make sure Mr Kiyoodle is not a beneficiary of the insurance scam.
Then O'id send a little blackmail note to Principal Cullinane, notifying him that his Mrs Cullinane will be waiting for him outside Madame Fifi's ifs he doesn't cough up 5,000 in unmarked dubloon.
If yer pull it off, you are guaranteed an A+ in ARGH 109. Ifs not, well you can always bribe yer way to an A+. YArrr!
Koind Regards,
Aunty Black Robe
Deer Aunty Blackmarket
Me latest scam business venture be goin off loike a firecracker. The swabs are buyin Captain's Delight loike there be no tomorrow. Of course iffe they drink too much o' it there won't be, but Oi digress.
Me new still be werkin a treat and Oi'm not havin enny trubble keeping up wiv supply from that front, an Oi got me scurvey little baskits foine yung students scowtin aroun gettin me plenty o bottles, plus we got in a job lot o' Captain's Delight labels so there be no worries there.
Wot Oi' am 'avin a bit o' trubbel wiv is the ratte poison sekret ingredient No 27. Oi seem ter 'ave exhorsted the Portsmouth supply o' this essentshul additive. D'yer 'ave enny sudjestyuns o' wot Oi cen use until Oi can get a shipment in? Oi 'ave considered usin Bart's Fishe Eadde Stewe but there apeears ter be sum palatability problems wiv it. Enny advice will be gratefully received.
Cap'n Bluenose
Dsitillery Master
Portsmouth Pirate Public Skool
Dear Distillery Master Bluenose
You're doing a splendid job helping to finance the school by getting your pupils to produce your hooch fine liqueurs.
Re your request for secret ingredient 27: I'm afraid that I'm all out of aromatic spices and gentle aromas, so please find enclosed some stuff that the cook uses to scrub out the oven.
Keep up the good work!
Auntie
Dear Auntie Black Robe
I has had the misfortune to be sent on a quest to find the Holy Grail. I read back in history to see what appened to the last lot what tried this questin lark. I noticed that the laddy what succeeded had passed all sorts o moral tests and was full of mental cunning and physical strength! The rest o them ended up dead in orrible ways! Do you think I have a chance? I can tie 3 different knots and I am quite good at Space Invaders.
Yours Black (Mine's a Shrubbery) Bart
Dear Bart,
You should be safe on your quest so long as you keep you Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch in your kit bag. Avoid strange women lying in ponds distributing swords - it always ends in tears.
Auntie Black Knight
Dear Auntie B
Yes, yes, yes...but will I end up with a nice shrubbery?
Yours
Black Alan Titchmarsh
Dear B.A.T
ye be gettin some foine shrubbery should you memeber
#1) whots the airspeed vilocty o an unladen swallow
and
#2) gets into the rabbit fore ye delivers it
yours,
tha ficticious Eric Idle aka Roger the Shrubber
( aktualy it jus be me)
Dear Aunty Anthro
Thank ye kindly,that be foine advice. I be avin a lot o trouble with Rabbits of late!
Yours
Sir BartGalhahadalot (reknowned but useless Quester)
Arghhh...
O'im quite partial to a bit of Welsh rare-bit meself. So's Tiddles Oi hears. YArr!
Dear Auntie Blackrobe,
One day during a particularily fierce sea battle I stood to close to the marinara cannon and now I have a slightly perforated eardrum.
It doesn't affect my hearing very much but every few years my right ear gets clogged with wax which does affect my hearing.
Quite handy when i don't want to hear my cat wailing to get out to the crows nest for some crows in the morning but it feels awlful.
Can you recommend a safe solution to loosen it up?
Dear Brother Sister's Uncle
Wot ye be wantin' be a tin o Black Bart's Fish-Head Stew.
Wen you as got a old o this, by careful application using yer ship's funnel to the affected area, ye will obtayne a dramatic improovement. Be sure to av a bucket nearby.
Ere be a demonstration o this amazin remedy (http://www.robshouse.net/node/1769)
Yours
Auntie Black Arts
The Black Spot had a novel solution to any swabs complaining about perforated eardrums. A quick slice of the cutlass and the ears were removed, e found that he didn't av to many complaints arter that.
Dave L's solution was to push one of is swabs up the cannon an used em as a silencer.
Black Bart used to provide extra rations of Fish Head Stew to his swabs. After eating a few helpings of that disgusting muck having a perforated eardrum was the least of yer problems.
Dear Auntie Blackrobe,
A fortnight ago me mates dragged me to boarding party.I regret it doubly! It was a lousy party and to top it all I got hit with grapeshot!
How do I get those awful grape stains off my favourite silk shirt?
Dear Mr Grape,
Going to a boarding party these days ain't what it used to be. Not wif all those flashing disco balls, funny 'hug drug' tablets and pulsatin' music to contend wif. Last time Oi came across one one those poncy MC blokies wif a turntable, he wore the point of me cutlass...Yarrr!
If Oi wuz you, Oi'd limit your activities to a few murder and pillage excercises. They are far more rewardin'. That is unless you are on the receiving end.
There be nuthin werse than removin' grape stains from a puffy pirate shirt. Last toime Oi tried heavy grade sand paper and it wore a few big holes through it. So instead Oi did something far more sensible. Oi employed a 'home handy wench' called Molly to do me laundering. YArrrr!
YArrrr...that girl has more sense than 10 of us blokes put together. How do 10 pirates change a light bulb? Ask Molly to do it...YArrr!
Koind Regards,
DaveL (a bloke)
erm...sorry Oi mean Aunty Blackbeard
Dear Grape Splattered
wear yer favourite puffy shirt durin' yer next cutlass fight. I finds that a pint or two o' the claret stuff covers up even the most stubborn stain.
Dear auntie
How does I get blood stains out o' me best frilly shirt?
Yours
Cap'n Butcher
Dear Cap'n Butcher
Has ye tried concentrated grape juice?
Auntie
Dear Aunty Black Robe,
The ships cat has caught all the rats on board two moons ago.Now the favoured parrot "Squawker", is missing.
What do you make of this?
Dear My Parrot is Missing,
Does your cat answer to 'Tiddles'. If so, O'id abandon ship immediately.
Kind Regards,
Aunty Black Robe
Dear Auntie Black Robe,
One o' me crewe 'as gone crazy, 'e be jumpin about sommett feerse loike an makin groatesk faces and shoutin out all koinds of gibberish. Me ship's surgeon reckons 'e eever be mad or sumwun 'as put a stoat down his pantaloons. There be a big bulge in 'is nether regions but Oi 'ad jest put that down to us bein at sea for a while loike.
Wot dyer rekomendde Oi shuld do wiv 'im, Oi'm a bit inclined ter chuck 'im over the side, but sum of the utther men thought you moight know of a cure.
Cap'n Throw the Blaggard over the Side
Quote from: Bluenose on March 23, 2007, 06:39:08 AM
There be a big bulge in 'is nether regions but Oi 'ad jest put that down to us bein at sea for a while loike.
Dear Cap'n 'Throw the Blaggard Over the Side'
I has heard of this condition what be quite common with Seamen. It be a side effect of consuming all that Fish Head Stew. After a voyage of more than four months the Seaman's diet should be supplemented by regular portions of fresh fruit. Otherwise all those fish hormones build up , causing temporary insanity and enlargement of the genitals. If the condition goes untreated it can result in the seaman developing gills and a blowhole in the top of his head! At this point there be nothin for it but to get your Harpoon ready!
Yours sincerely
Ships Doctor Stanley Sawbones
Dear Cap'n Throw etc.
Throw this nutty scurvy ridden mad bastid over the side at once!
As ye can see from the post above, ee's now pretendin' ee's a ships doctor.
Auntie
Dire Annie Back Rub,
Eyes jess got me nuu pegleg , hows duz eyes keep dur woims furm etten up dis won?
Dear BC
Eet der werms foirst yersel.
Yours
Auntie Black Widow
My Dear Auntie Black Robe,
In the midst of my recent shopping trip to the Orient I stopped to break fast and found myself signed aboard a pirate vessel.
The fashions on board are simply hideous!
How do I tell them without injury to their sensiblities.
Dear Connor-sewre of Foine Cuisine,
Pick up a few tins of the "Fish Head Stewe" they've been serving you and point out that the ingredients label is written in an unknown language, so as to not have to list only non-food items. Then clunk the Cap'n on the head with the tins and mutiny!!
Auntie Rabble-Rouser
Dyer Ann E. Beckrib'
Wiles uh leeve tuh cee me ole Mum ,dee loco Preezt envitz me umbel self tuh suppuh.
Wells i sez yah, been reel ungree enprezt loik i waz tuh meet so zi et tee.
Me mum sez tuh brang uh holstez pezint.
"Watz ez i tuh brang ",i sez .
"Tells me morr abouts dis envadayshun", she sez.
Wells i tole er 'an nouh she sez uh shunt go.
........
I tole me Mum,' well Mum! the loco Preetz sez hez soo fahmusht an' affer he dun widda ulta boiz he wantz me fuh dezurt in duh Wrektor Ree.
Wut shud uh do?
I wantz tuh cee sum famuhst shipwrekz.
But me Mum sez, nah!
Yurs trulee,'Blood' Elias Stanes ,Ableseamen HMS Comet
Dear "Blood"
the first thing ye should do be to take some electrocution lessons. Yer accent be makin' me eye water.
As to yer priest problem: take 'im a bottle o' Captain's Delight as a present, an' open it straight away. It has a decent sized cork in it.
Yours
Auntie
Dear Auntie
I must confess ta leadin a double loif. By day I be an honest office worker, but by night I turns into a fierce scurvy pirate! The trouble be, a bit loik Jekyl and Hyde me two lives be blurrin. T'other day I ran through a colleague's lunch apple with a plastic cutlass and ran off with it shoutin: 'Yarrrrr Booty!'. It be true he were on holiday at the toim and was unable to defend his fruity hord...but I be worried about the future...where will it all end? Will he come back and demand the return of his apple (which to be quite honest weren't a very noice apple anyway)? Will I descend into a life of pillagin and mayhem? Any suggestions Ye great Scurvy Wench?
Sorry about that last bit...
Yours Capn Tea Boy
Dear Cap'n T Bar
Ye seem to av problems wiv the piratin side o yer personality since yer wuldnt be able ter eat an apple anyways.
Oi sergest sum positive affirmations.
Start with: Me teef be rottin stumps
Say it over an over fer 15 minutes a night.
We can try others once yer get the hang o that wun.
Yours
Auntie Black Magic
Deer Anti Black Robes,
My son "Bloody" (not hes reel name) insists apon goin to the preests ball.
Goin ta have et in the rectory he sez.
I don't no 'bout dem preests affer wots i red inna penny dreadfuls.
Bloody be a regular pirate an all . Butz i be afraid sumfing bad befall em.
Do you thing sumfing evil gonna get 'em in the end?
Dear no-name-supplied,
Get your son a pair of cast iron under britches. That way nothing evil will get him in the end.
Auntie Black Bottom
Dear no name
As yer bruvver tried bein a Cabin Boy?
Obvious suggestion really!
Yours
Auntie Black and Blue Bottom
My dear Aunty Black Robe,
Over two decades ago wilst in a state of youthful naive curiousity i foolishly sought enquiry into a free publication from a commodore L.Ron Hubbard.
I did nay realize at that time said M.Hubbard did not receive such rank ,in fact further enquiry to his status reveiled he did not nary receive a commision as ensign!
Now i find myself receiving the unending entreaties to purchase all manner of (in my opinion)useless materials from his office.
My problem is thus:How do I put to an end to this torrent of wasteful and unwelcome correspondance landing upon the threshold of my humble abode?
I have returned a veritable sack of material back without breaking the seals with polite (and now very rude)replies to ceast and desist yet it seems my plees have been ignored.
Must I seek consul from a barrister?
Can you help me? They are causing me much ire and destraction.
Desparately yours, Sick of scientologists.
Dear SoS,
O'id be tellin' Mr Hubbard that his Mrs 'Old Mother Hubbard' still doesn't have any bones in her cupboard to give her poor doggie, and get his act together domestically.
If he were serious about lookin after his Missus, O'id be tellin him to give all that Xenu Volcano stuff 'a big miss' and get a real job.
Barring that, Oi know a couple of lads at the Portsmouth dock who can assist for a small fee. Slip 'em an extra dubloon and they'll pay Xenu a visit an' get that E Meter reinserted in a place 'where the sun don't shine'.
If yer need any references for their handy werke, just ask the Purple Avenger (if yer can find him).
Their semaphore number be 1800-BLACKSPOT.
Koind Regards,
Aunty Black L. Ron
Dear SoS,
Write DECEASED, no forwarding address on all of it and send it back.
Auntie Black-Bordered Envelope
Better yet, write DECEASED and a (non-earthly) forwarding address!
Dear Aunty Black Robe,
Upon my retirement from the navy i invited the ships cat Topper(not his real name) to reside with me since he had not set aside enough catnip and kibble for his golden years.
We get along famously, however ,the life of a landlubber is quite foriegn to him and sometimes I find him stumbling and tipping over when it rains as if compensating for the roll of a ship.
I find it quite amusing and he is beginning to adjust.
But I cannot get him out of the house ,do you think it is because he feels the other cats would mock him for his pegleg and eyepatch.
Yours truly, Concerned About Topper
Dear C.A.T.
Havin' a feline friend is indeed a pur-rrfect past time. Your moggy be your friend for life. Always eager for a pat, a saucer of milk and a warm lap to curl up and fall asleep on.
99.9% of all cats are OK in my book. That is unless he's called Tiddles to which the term 'evil, stinking mutineering, backstabbing varmint' will apply. DAMN YOU TIDDLES!
Erm sorry, where was Oi..,oh yes Topper.
Anyways, Topper may require a good debriefing session from his seafaring years wif a shrink. This may be difficult, as modern psychotherapy is still about 300 years off being invented.
So you may have to employ more contemporary methods from the 1700's such as:
1) Grabbing Topper's tail and givin it a good tug;
2) Drainin' all his blood out and chanting strange noises;
3) Calling the cat exorcist round to expel the seafarin' spirits away;
4) All of the above (recommended)
Before you know it, Topper will be the biggest landlubbin puss in Portsmouth. Next he'll be givin Big Ron a run for his money in his mercantile pursuits.
Best of luck and koind regards,
Aunty Black Meow
PS You can contact a very good psychotherapist down at the Portsmouth dock. He be the same bloke who fixed the Purple Avenger up. YArr!
Dere Annie Backrubs, AHHHH GAGAGAGA!
Eyes resently sewed a gross o' canned spinach to Saucy Gert on ARR-bay.It wuz of da highest qualitee AHHH GAGAGAGA!
Butz shes be besmirching me gud name since it dint come wiff an opener. AHHH GAGAGAGA>
Butz the cans got all la vitamins and minerals loikes I sez in dere advertisemint.
Nows she bin tellin all la strippers 'bout me bin a cad ana rake , Eyes neffer gardened in me hole life.
Nows me dear Olives wount speack to me.
Me freen Wimpy be returnin all da hambergers I loan'd him on friday!
Sweet peas bin reel sour.
An' on toppa dat Saucy Gert be chasing me about the seven seas in a dingy...iffen eyes don't haves enuff trouble wiff Bluto!
Wots an' honest sailor ta do???
Yeres with much bewildermint , Popeye the Sailor
AHHH GAGAGAGA!
Dear Popeye
Call her bluff ! Whenever she hoves into sight, yell "BLUFF" at her. She's a ninny if she sets sail without a can opener. What would she do if she got stuck in the can?
As to your friends. Who needs friends you can't rely on in a crisis? Join Pirates Anonymous and find a new lot.
Yours
Auntie BlackEyes
Dear Auntie Blackwotsit
I has joined 'Pirates Anonymous' and it baint be doin me no good loik. Their office be situated right next to the Naval Dockyard, and whenever I tries ta get in there be loads o the King's men outside askin "Are ye a pirate?" So I has ta pretend I aint a pirate by dressin in a smock an carryin a piggy wiggy and pretendin ta be a farmer. Then when I gets inside and I sais:
"I am Black Bart and I is a Pirate", everybody just bursts out laughin!
Yours,
Capn Wurzel
Quote from: Black Bart
So I has ta pretend I aint a pirate by dressin in a smock an carryin a piggy wiggy and pretendin ta be a farmer. Then when I gets inside and I sais:
"I am Black Bart and I is a Pirate", everybody just bursts out laughin!
Aye, I remembers that night. We were laughin' 'cos we thought that the pig were a ventriloquist.
Dear Auny Blackrube ,
I want experience the BIG POND ! I would like a position on a pirtae ship.
The problem is that I walk like , talk like , and do pretty much everything , like a duck .
Do you think I could fool them into thinking I'm a parrot ?
Whats the trick to talking by the way ? I almost have my physicians name spot on .
Maybe I could find a spot in the crows nest ?
Yours Truly , Gilbert
Midair Anti BlackRobe ,
YARR! I jus be back frum a long voiyage ...a cuppel muntz into et hARR! be groan on me roite han .
I dont mine thee hARR! so much , but it don't match me leff han .
Wot shud I do ?
Sinsurly , Seaman Stanes
Dear Auntie Blackrobe
If dem raidin party pirates return we be needin a moighty big bath fer the lot o the sweaty blaggards...moight a sheep dip be best?
Dear BB
Moighty big baths be the least of it. We will be demanding blood tests.
Yours
Auntie B
Aye, Oi remembers well that some o' the parts the lads be raiding in be known for propagating foot-in-mouth disease!
Me Deer Anteuppa Black Robe ,
We dun set sail , me gran'pappy an me , doan to Nassau Town we did roam .
But da Sheriff Johnathun Wilberforce Percial Wickentingdonhamshirefordvillerockanstone IV
He woodint leff me alones .
I feel so broke up.
I wanna go home .
yers ...... John B.
Me Deer Annie Bleck Rub ,
Uhh be in puzzelmint bowt sum dem Fence Pirits .
Uh wuz havin grog wid dem en got loss lookin fer da 'ead , anyhows uh herd a bunch dem goin on bowt da john bin dark .
I hadda go fine a buckit !
I was wee barrassed en all bowt it , but uh cud toss the buckit o'er en nun wiser , it be butter dan peed all awares .
Wuz uh wong Annie ?
Dear Captain Cuzzen,
It is apparaent that you have contracted a very nasty case of E-Raser-itis. The only known cure is to take five bottles of Captain;s Delight XO every day for a month and then wait until you feel better.
Auntie Black Rum
Dear Aunty,
That Captains Delight mob sure an ingenius bunch of marketers. First they come out with standard stuff. Now it's this blooming Captains delight XO.
But those blaggards don't fool me or my committee!
I know it's because that school is bleeding hard, cause of all the fines they've incurred.
Serves themselves right.
Kind Regards,
Mrs Primrose Postlethwaite OBE
President
R.W.U.C.T.A. (Right Wing Upper Class Twit Association)
Oi! Yer big fat scragger, Dear Mrs Postlethwaite,
Auntie Black Beard telled me abowt yer rant referred your inquiry to me. You shuld shut yer filthy mouth We have taken your comments under advisement. Them blaggards from the Council an the Ministery of Health an the Constabulary have been right baskits lately It is true that PPPS has incured some legal penalties recently, so what, we be makin more munny than ye can jump over but we are managing to keep our heads above water.
Ter shut ye up As a token of our appreciation for your concern we wish to offer you a bribe a gift of a case of
Captain's Delight XO each for you and yer ugly mates your good self and your commitee.
Now p*ss of an leave us alone Thank you for you inquiry,
Or oi'll stick ye wiv me cutlass Yours sincerely
Cap'n Bluenose
Distillery Master
Dear Aunty BR,
That Stillmaster has been over practising his use of strikethrough characters.
We the concerned citizens R.W.U.C.T.A. are dead against it. Perversion of the Kings grammar should be banned instantly. Myself and the ladies of Portsmouth are signing a petition to have such practices banned.
We are also organising a protest outside that dastardly Public School this Friday to stamp out vice, bad grammar and evil.
Praise the Lord!
Mrs Primrose Postlethwaite OBE
President
R.W.U.C.T.A. (Right Wing Upper Class Twit Association)
Dear Primrose,
Bugger Off! Concern noted. See you at the rally.
Love Aunty BR
Dear Auntie Black Label,
Oi bin ahearin that them stuck up wowsers from the R.W.U.C.T.A. be plannin an protest ousyde the PPPS gates on Saturd'y. Oi 'ave made arrangerments fer the boys from the seniour class ter be on guard and they bin issued wiv live ammo jest incase.
Now since this be a busy toime fer the lads, Oi wuld really rather that they did not 'ave ter leave their posts in the distillery ter man the ramparts. Ow much Captain's Delight XO d'yer think we wuld need ter "leave" outside the schoole gates on Saturd'y ter avoid the need fer a confruntashun?
Your Repeckful Servant
Cap'n Bluenose
Stillmaster, Portsmouth Pirate Public School
Dear Aunty,
As we have not heard from you for over 5 months, we presume that RWUCTA's abduction of ye is going well.
We kept scanning RRR-Tube for hostage videos of ye? Was that you with the hood on, seated at a chair next to 4 well-to-do looking ladies?
The signs saying 'Ban Vice at PPPs' looked extremely snazzy, BTW!
Are there any plans for a release date?
Any terms and conditions attached?
We can arrange for the unmarked dubloons, if they so desire.
Kind Regards,
Mr Berty McCracken
President
Concerned Citizens of Portsmouth
Dear Aunty
Don't worry. We have got Mr Berty Mc Cracken now. He won't be troubling anyone again. We knows ye be enjoying the Rest Home and the last thing ye want is rescuing.
Best Bitter an all that.
Freddy Big-Fists
Deer anty bakrub ,
i iz heer noaw
et tookd long tyme ta fine ya
if yu has a picktour ove yerseff
et wood bin ezsir
an not so harrd
yer nefyu BB
Dear Nefyuu,
If you want to see a picture of me. See Playbilge edition XXLIII dated May 1674.
Time (and gravity) do take their toll you know.
Deer Arntie Blackpudding,
Oi bin laid up in sick bay fer the last ten days or so wiv plastik tubes stiken in me arme an Oi be gettin a moight tetchy. Haven't 'ad even wun gallon o' rum since they hadmitted me. Kin yer send sum o' the boys round ter make a distraction wiv matron so Oi kin get Smiggins from the PPS Advance Distilling class ter slip me in sum o' the goode stuff?
Cap'n (dry as a chip) Bluenose
Dear Cap'n Bluenose
'ave ye tried sukkin on them h'anti-septic wipes? There shuld be plenty arouwnd.
Yers Truly
Auntie Blackrobe
Dear Aunty BB,
Lately I've had an addition problem, sucking on antispetic wipes. You see my alcohol has run out and I'll do anythin' to get a whiff of the alcohol/
Should I just save up and buy a nice bottle of wine instead?
Yours,
Percy Halfpint
Dear Percy Halfpint
That's plain disgustin'.
Yers
Aunty Blackrobe
deer anty backrub,
now i gunna make sum
banana gutz pye !
how much shud i sell et fur a bite ?
yer nefyoo BB
Dear Nefyu,
You can sell as many as ye like. As long as ye give me a bite (or four) first.
Love Aunty