For sale: One right boot (size 11), One left glove, and one contact lens. All as new. 4 groats the lot. Box 116A, Portsmouth.
Yarrr...
VENDOR: Sporting Kitcsch Memorabilia Pty Ltd
ITEM: "The Piractica Football Team" signed official team photograph.
NOTES: A fully signed photograph of the entire side, taken just before their semi-final massacre vs Portugal.
As the entire side cannot read or write, the signatures alone are worth a hefty fortune (for comical effect).
A cheesy montage the entire violent sport fan industry will love and enjoy. Only 2,500 in stock. Semaphore your order NOW!
PAYSWAB or TREASURE CHEST TRANSFER ONLY
Fer sale.
One peg leg warmer.
Material: lurex backed fake-fur
Colour: pink
Size: expandable 23 - 650 cm L ; 23 - 650 cm W
Additional descriptive detail:
Handy fer winter. Keeps yer peg leg from freezing up. Useful fer nights out on the town.
Special Autumn Discount: add 10% to cost
Bidding started at £934
Bidding Closes: 31.10.2008
PAYSWAB/TCT/CroninCard-(debit only)
Up fer Bid
Complete set of sails for a four-rigger and ketch.
All in a fetchin' shade of pink, wi' lavender lashins, trimmed wi' Chantilly-syle lace an' faux Zebra fur.
12 matchin' hammocks, 2 full staterooms of foine furniture and linens.
Enterpreneur takin' loss on stock fer the proposed "floatin' red loight districk" after makin' purchase of a ship arranged by Capt. Cronin.
Also available, assorted lots of frilly outfits, slinky dresses and negligable negligees, gen'rally in colors to match th' sails.
All offers considered, any mode of payment accepted, except cash transfer by Capt. Cronin.
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.3% (Thanks Mum)
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
Ye genuine Treasyre Map o Capn Kidd. No photos available as yet. Printed on ye parchment effect vellum.
No reserve.
Postage £999 dubloons
Starting bid: £0.01
You are bidding on:
One full set of French Navy uniforms. A few holes and slashes in the items, but this is reflected in the low starting price.
BUY WITH CONFIDENCE
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.1% (Sorry Mum, I didn't know there were still rats living in the pockets!)
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
Complete set of Collectors Pirate Cards originally free with gallon cans of 'Ye Olde Fishe Heade Stewe'.
Ideal to swap with yer mates on long voyages.
No reserve.
Postage: 8 pieces of 8
Now Oive taken up a life on the Briney sea oi av fer sale...
1 house - pokey
1 donkey cart - donkey not included
1 wife
house and cart free to anyone brave enough to tak me wife!
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.1% (Sorry Mum, I didn't know there were still rats living in the pockets!)
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
One family of ship's rats. Only one previous owner. The big one's tail is missing arter an unfortunate incident with me mum's cleaver.
No reserve.
Postage: 8 pieces of 8
Also see my other items:
Genuine Pirate Treasure maps,
condition: used.
Seller: fishstewpotscousin
Feedback: 0.87% (Sorry Auntie, yer blaggard son wer allus the blacksheep!)
Member: Since 1764
Genuine Pirate Treasure maps,
condition: unused.
No guarantee on accuracy, take as unseen, owner collects, COC, Caymen Islands, ask fer Madamoiselle Lolita.
Starting bid: 1 Groat
Or Buy Now 10 Groats
You are bidding on:
One Cooking Pot, previous owner Black Bart. This was the cooking pot which produced the infamous Fish Head Stew that wiped out half of Portsmouth in 96.
BUY WITH CONFIDENCE FROM AN ARBAY REGISTERED SELLER WITH 100% POSITIVE FEEDBACK.
I be accepting PirPal, Cheques but only if written with a quill on 18th Century parchment or 12 bottles of Grog.
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.1%
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
4 Buckets of Galley Slave chafing ointment. For external use only. Made from the finest ingredients. Not tested on animals (apart from galley slaves). May cause a rash on first application due to high Fish Stew content.
No reserve.
Postage: 4 pieces of 8
Also see my other items:
BRAAAAAARRRGHSSO for shinin up those tarnished cannons and other fittings. 100% Calico body bags (weights not included). Rat poison (alright it's just Fish Head Stew concentrate but it works!).
Vendor: MarseilleXXX_Hot
Item: Madame Chantal's Gold Pass
Notes: Extremely valuable item for the pirate looking for more than a quick visit after disembarking. Access to all areas of Madame Chantals, including the notorious 'Count of Monte Christo Room', where the word 'solitary confinement' takes on new meaning.
A Madame Chantal's Gold Pass will redefine the word 'pain'. The entire girls ensemble will be on hand to give you 'lashings' of attention. Wow, was that an electric cattle prod I spied?
Return to your ship a changed man. Permanently.
PAYMENT: Dubloon on Delivery Only
Enquries from Monastical Football Teams are encouraged.
Quote from: Sibling Chatty on October 23, 2006, 04:43:22 AM
Up fer Bid
Complete set of sails for a four-rigger and ketch.
All in a fetchin' shade of pink, wi' lavender lashins, trimmed wi' Chantilly-syle lace an' faux Zebra fur.
12 matchin' hammocks, 2 full staterooms of foine furniture and linens.
Enterpreneur takin' loss on stock fer the proposed "floatin' red loight districk" after makin' purchase of a ship arranged by Capt. Cronin.
Also available, assorted lots of frilly outfits, slinky dresses and negligable negligees, gen'rally in colors to match th' sails.
All offers considered, any mode of payment accepted, except cash transfer by Capt. Cronin.
Oid loik to start the bidding at seven dubloons (three of 'em's wooden) and an Archie McPhee Monkey Groan Ball. These would be noice gifts for the monks.
You are bidding on:
One really big treasure chest. Full of gold and precious jewels. Worth loads of money. Quick sale means CronanCard an' PayLots are unacceptable. Cash only. Will arrange to meet winning bidder in dark alley behind Madame Fifi's. Make sure ye have the money with yer.
Fer sale
Foive Lines o Sea Shanty
Oi be a Pirate, Gis us yer money,
Yer gold plate, an yer parrot;
Else me first mate, along wiv is bunny,
And is fish bait, will fix yer Sonny
Jim
Amazing bargain. Beats yer measly one line mooosic fer the same price - only £11,000 ter yoo.
Created by a Master Cap'n Poet.
Fer an extra 3 bob yer can ave the choir thrown in.
CroninCard only. That's giv us yer CroninCard and we givs yer the Shanty. innit.
For sale 1 Dubloon or 12 bottles of Rum
Big Brenda's bloomers which she left on me ship when she slipped off with Black Bart for some night time fun.
These enormous bloomers can also be used as a replacement sail thus improving the speed of yer ship in windy conditions.
Buyer to collect (to big ter post you see) from Calico Jack though be sure to bring four sturdy swabs with yer to carry them away with yer.
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.1%
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
Genuine lock of hair from ye Blackbeard's beard. Tis black and curly and thar be a limited supply so bid early to avoid ye disapointment. Presented in a fine pewter locket to hang round the neck o yer loved one, lovely birthday present for him or her.
No reserve.
Postage: 12 pieces of 8
Also see my other items:
Shavin from Blackbeard's peg leg. Genuine lock of hair from Anne Bonney's beard. Genuine bottled Kraken juice.
You are bidding on:
A bumper collection of 50 customisable ransom notes.
Each one is carefully worded to extract the greatest amount of cash from the recipient. Just put the victim's name in the first line and you're ready to go. Just wait for the money to roll in!
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.1%
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
Vintage movie poster from a classic film of the genre:
(http://homepage.mac.com/antonyroberts/.Pictures/Fair_wind.jpg)
Start the bidding at 40 dubloons for this extremely rare piece of movie memrobilia. ;D
JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN
THE DELUX CAPTAIN CRONAN MASK!
(http://www.goldup.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/cronan5.jpg)
Step aboard any ship, and watch panic break out.
Made from heavy duty latex. Reeks of booze for added authenticity.
Current bid: 4 Benson & Hedges King Size
Fer sale:
Bottle of false nail glue.
Save on staples. Glue yer parrot ter yer sholder.
Price: exchange fer tube of golden eye patch ointment.
Seller: Honest John
Feedback: -1376 (PowerConner)
Buy It Now Price: 1 Groat
Have you got unpleasant odours in your ship?
Then cover them up with
THE "BIG RON" AIR FRESHENER
Simply squirt a small amount of "BIG RON" into the air, and all previous smells and odours will be undetectable. It's like Big Ron is there in person!*
Available in three fragrant varieties:
Last Night's Chicken Bhuna
Essence of boiled greens
And the ever popular "Heavy Egg"**
One squirt, and that terrible stench from the galley will suddenly become insignificant!
*Do not use in enclosed spaces
** May induce vomiting
BUY WITH CONFIDENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YArrrr...
O'im pretty sure Oi've got a crewmate that can produce all three essences in one sitting. It's good fer fumgatin the vermin in the bilge.
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.1%
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
Job lot of Brightly Coloured genuine Parrot Feather Quills. Ideal fer fillin in your Log or writin out death warrants.
No reserve.
Postage: Pieces of 8, Pieces of 8, Pieces of 8
Fer Sale
Distance Learning Course
Module One
Ow to sail far away
Module Two (practical)
Sail far away
Module Three (practical)
How to chuck yer crew overboard
Module Four (theory)
How to survive at sea with yer rudder locked into a permanent circling round a barren island. For ever.
No returns. Guaranteed to work every time. No repeat bookins.
Price: bid starts at 10 Cronins.
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.1%
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
Genuine squid ink refills for Brightly Coloured genuine Parrot Feather Quills.
Buy now 4 dubloons .
Postage: Pieces of 8, Pieces of 8, Pieces of 8
You are bidding for a
Ship' Cat called Cuddles. This is a vicious rat eating, snarling, clawing, ugly flea bitten moggy. I am selling it as it old, half blind and vomits a lot.
SELLERS WARNING: Your new pet will give you years of fun (well days as it is on its last legs) but for your continuing enjoyment of your cat please do not go anywhere near it.
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.1%
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
Cat...O Nine Tails. Guaranteed to strip the flesh of a man's back. Only one previous owner. Other whips in stock. One of our happy customers writes:
I had a chance to use this whip for the first time last weekend and it certainly did the trick. The blaggards wont look sideways at me again in a hurry!I'm new to single tail use, but with this whip I'm sure I'll pick it up very quickly. I'll certainly be a repeat buyer.
Capn Bligh.
Buy now 12 dubloons .
Postage: Pieces of 8, Pieces of 8, Pieces of 8
You are bidding for a
The Black Spot Guide to Pirating (Volume 1). This is being sold as I have now bought Volume 2 (same as Volume 1 but with less blood on it). This contains such invaulable tips as.
1. How to use yer Cutlass.
2. How to use yer Pistol.
3. How to tie yer chef to yer Missile Launcher.
4. How to flog yer crew.
SELLERS WARNING: As this book was dictated by Spot himself it appears as a long list of illegible grunts. However you can obtain a version in Pirate English by clicking on the link below.
www.spotwantsyourmoney/youscurvyblaggards.com
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.1%
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
2GB Scumsoftpod pink - Gay Sea Shanty collection included. Pink ear phones.
Buy now 4 dubloons .
Postage: Pieces of 8, Pieces of 8, Pieces of 8
You are bidding on:
"BACKUP" copies of...
Portholes XP Piratical: The flagship o' the scumsoft programs. This be the high end o' the Portholes(tm) Operating System. Ye'll never get a blue screen with this one (it's been replaced by a black one).
Scumsoft Orifice: Scumsoft's famous suite o' programs. Each one contains hundreds o' features that ye'll never use. Comprises:
Scumsoft Turd: Word processing program especially designed for people who like the spellchecker to put lots of "Z"'s in words. Oh, there's also that talking paperclip.
Scumsoft Inhell: Professional spreadsheet. Handles over 75 different types of mathematical functions! Handles pivot tales, data matrix inversions and complex data analysis - even though the stupid bastids who buy this will only ever use it to add and subtract.
Scumsoft SharpPoint: Makes your presentations even more boring! Huge packet of sickeningly twee images included.
Scumsoft AutoVoyage: Get lost quicker than ever!
Comes on one handy disk.
Also included: Scumsoft key generator. This is for educational use only. It is purely coincidental that it will activate all of the above.
These are for backup only. The winning bidder will of course already have original, licensed copies of these items.
!!!!!!!!BUY WITH CONFIDENCE!!!!!!!!!
Ye be biddin on:
Well known Pirate Cusswords Volume 298a, Sub Section 29, Part III by Bartholemew Noir
Sellers warning: Do not allow this book to come into contact with children as spontaneous combustion may result.
Current bid: 14 Dubloons
YArrrr...
Do yer know if youse can buy Scumsoft Orrifice complete wif 'Roget's Cussword-saurus' edited by Bartholomew Noir.
Oi heards it will convert entire texts into completely offensive garb in just one click. Just the thing for incitin' warfare on the high seas...yarrr!
Yarr! Well, ye can buy that easily enuff, but ye'll be needin a new 'ard drive ter load the cussword database, see the 'elpdesk thread.
FOR SALE
I bought 'Pirates of the Carribean Dead man's Chest for 10 Dubloons, problem is its total rubbish. Does anyone want it, yer can av it fer nuffin.
SELLERS WARNING: This product is total crap.
GGGAARRRR...Ye should ave bought me copy o the classic Pirate Film: 'Fair Wind to Java' when ye had the chance! I'd ave signed it for ye aswell and Big Ron was givin away free chipolatas with every copy sold.
For Sale:
NOVELTY ELECTRIC SHOCK HAND SHAKER
Shake yer victim's hand, an watch 'im jump as 'ee gets a harmless but powerful electric shock.
As new. Only used once.
Reason for sale: Owner dead. Serves 'im right fer tryin' it out on me.
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.1%
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
Scumsoft Helpdesk matchin Desk and Chairs.
There are some blood stains but I am sure these can be easily removed. Also some chips to surface of desk due to cutlass strikes but otherwise in perfect condition.
Buy now 40 dubloons .
Postage: Pieces of 8, Pieces of 8, Pieces of 8
Vendor: Scumbag Extravaganza
Item: Nigerian Email Scams for Pirates, Volumes 1-9
Author: President Laurent Kabila
Notes: This highly succesful techinque has been used by spambots to liberate vast sums of money from evil corrupt African regimes...and all they need is your bank account - AWESOME!!
Now President Kabila (which may or maynot be his real name) is given you all the secrets to this highly successful techinique.
Learn how to pretend to be a highly disaffected African emissiary. Learn the secrets of grovelling in one easy lesson. Watch those millions start rolling in, YArrr!!!
Throw that treasure map away. Toss that shovel in the bin. Your fortune could made at the drop of a dodgy grovelly email.
Payment: 1 million dubloon. By dodgy bank transfer only.
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.1%
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
Nigerian severed head (Freeze dried).
Mounted on mahogany back board. Comes with certificate of authorisation reading:
President Kabila - born 1970 died suddenly 8.11.2006
Buy now 48 dubloons .
Postage: Pieces of 8, Pieces of 8, Pieces of 8
Fer Sale
Electronic Sodoffko
Only slightly used. Some numbers missing. No power cord.
Price: reserve ^&¬95
CroninCard only. Buyer collects. Locations supplied on credit clearance.
As a power seller on Arr Bay you will be pleased to hear an exceptional item of Pirate legend has come into my possession.
This be the First Plank on The Black Spot's ship. By Spot's standards this plank lasted a long time, 3 days in fact, before it was worn through as over 2000 Swabs, Navy Seamen, Wenches, Cats and Parrots all made a one way trip to the sharks.
This fine memento to Spot's quieter days has been carefully restored to its original condition essentially by gluing it together where it split down the middle.
As this is such a collectors item I invite discreet bids via my web site address below.
www.calicojackwillripyouoff.com
Fer Sale:
1 Bowler hat
1 Umbrella
1 Briefcase (embossed "Inland Revenue")
1 Fountain pen with gold nib (engraved "Customs and Excise")
All in excellent condition. One previous owner.
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.1%
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
Genuine Capn Hook's hand.
Retrieved from the shark at great personal risk. Pickled in vinegar and mounted in display case.
Buy now 60 dubloons .
Postage: Pieces of 8, Pieces of 8, Pieces of 8
Or see my other items:
Box of one dozen Capn Hook hands. Assorted Anne Bonney Brassiers and Knickers. Condition: Used.
Fer sale boi Loose Laura:
- One (1) pair o' men's trousers. Slioght stain in thu crotch area. Gots the smell out tho.
- One (1) men's blouse. Sloight tear in the underarm area.
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.1%
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
X Capn Cronan ship.
Suffers from rising damp, wet rot, very wet rot and general undersea encrustation. Cannons very rusty, balls stuck together in a heap. Needs a good clean but once ye've swept the skeletons off her she'll come up a treat.
Buy now 148 dubloons .
Postage: Pieces of 8, Pieces of 8, Pieces of 8
For Sale
The new all purpose Pirate Hook.
This product provides the ultimate in comfort plus it comes with the following upgrades.
- Extra sharp hook useful for keeping swabs in order. A cleaning kit for getting the blood off after those swabs have been dealt with is also provided.
The hook is curved round in a semi circle and makes an excellent bottle opener.
It comes with a furry cover for protection, useful for going o the toilet or for intimate moments with yer wench.
Due to a special deal we have made with our suppliers this will be sold at the special offer price of 1000 Dubloons.
Vendor: Wicked Parrot Accessories Pty Ltd
Item: Deluxe Booty Perch
Notes: The parrot perch that sent the womens movement behind 30 years is back!
This deluxe model has been moulded in rubber from a unique sitting with the one and only Brenda McTavish. Cost includes bonus seed trays in a few locations you'll never imagine (owch!)
Watch your parrot take bites that would make any red blooded pirate wince with pain (he bit her where?). See Polly fling his seed like you've never seen it flung before.
Comes with bonus Booty Perch repair kit, for moments where Polly gets viscious with his beak.
Cost: 200 Dubloon + postage
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.1%
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
'The Life and Times of the Nun of Dresden'
A complete history of the infamous Nun's activities from 1425 to 1483. Written by the reknowned historian:
Professor E Razer of Tagliatelli University
Buy now 48 dubloons.
Postage: Pieces of 8, Pieces of 8, Pieces of 8
Also see my other items;
By the same author:
Dead Swan at 56 degrees > altitude 40,000ft
25 dubloons and:
'this is undoubtedly proof of something. I am not sure what just yet'.
30 dubloons
Advance Offer.
Unused Xmas Gifts. As new.
Batch lot. Buyer takes all.
Cronin Card only. Half price if 90% deposit paid before 25th. 900 Groats.
Vendor: BB Industries
Item: Distillery Pipes
Notes: Absolute clearance sale. All items must go. Bustlin Brian's current cell arrangement with Elroy, the 300lb over affectionate maniac, requires urgent financial remedy with his prison guards.
Quality Distillery Pipes, as used by Portsmouth Pirate Public School. Buy 'em cheap. They also make great curtain rods (Hang on, they are...ummm..nevermind).
2 dubloon/metre. Make it cash. Cold, hard, cash.
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.1%
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
141 pairs of curtains.
Condition: USED
Buy now 50 dubloons.
Postage: Collection only, rear of Bustlin Brian's Plumbing supplies, Portsmouth
ye are bidding for:-
1 Pantomime dress as worn by Black Bart as an ugly sister in the production of Brenderella.
SELLERS WARNING: This dress is torn and full of holes as Dave L took retribution on the outfit with his cutlass when Bart pinched his Christmas Sherry.
In all fairness, ee din't know her name was Sherry when ee pinched 'er...
Up fer auction:
One Elderly Granny, low mileage, fully equipped. Recently in the shop for a complete check-up.
Comes with regular wheelchair, power wheelchair and own piano.
Oi kin probably afford ter pay ye aboot 2 quid to take 'er off me 'hands...
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.1%
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
Set of Four handkerchiefs
Printed with the initials CC
Dodgy lookin treasure map on reverse
Condition: Damp and Musty
Postage: half a Cronan
ye are bidding for:-
One Judge's Gavel as used by Sir Ronald Siegfried Algernon Humphrey Ethelred Winston Whistlecock in many Scurvy Disciplinary Hearings.
SELLERS WARNING: This is no normal Judge's Gavel, it is in fact a broken Judge's Gavel as the handle fell off when the exasperated judge hurled it at Black Bart after one of many interuptions made by the Welsh Pirate during court proceedings.
Quote from: Sibling Chatty on December 28, 2006, 07:12:32 PM
Up fer auction:
One Elderly Granny, low mileage, fully equipped. Recently in the shop for a complete check-up.
Comes with regular wheelchair, power wheelchair and own piano.
Oi kin probably afford ter pay ye aboot 2 quid to take 'er off me 'hands...
I'll take 'er, pervided yer doan mind me selling her and her dam' wheelchairs on, an' keeping that ther pianner...
She be yours...
Oi kin deliver wen th' water level goes down, or ye kin pick 'er up whet ye manage to sell orf the rest o' the lot and take th' pianner.
Let me know, so Oi have a chance ter change me cellphone number.
SELLER: fishstewpot
FEEDBACK: 0.1%
MEMBER: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
Ye Inflammable Flags of Imperial Nations ready to burn at your chosen riot or uprising. Flag can be over-printed with your chosen despot's portrait to really get the crowd going. Each flag is impregnated with kerosene and guaranteed to go up like a bonfire.
To order online go to: www.inflammableflags.com
Hello Mr Fishstewpot
I have tried to click on the link to buy your flags and it does not work. I need four dozen flags of the USA with big picture of Mr Bush on them. Do you deliver to caves?
Yours Sincerely
Mr B Laden
Dear Mr Fishstew
Blast you...the link does not work. How do I get your flags. I need seven hundred UK flags with extra kerosene. Please to be printing the flags with portrait of Mr Blair. I would also like to take adwantage of your offer of free lighters.
Yours Sincerely
President Bob Mugabe
ye are bidding for:-
The Black Spot's famous Pirate Ship 'Fifi's Princess' This fine vessel has sailed to all four corners of the world and with a fair wind and a sober crew can outrun anything the navy can muster. Due to unforeseen circumstances (see below) The Black Spot has now acquired (stolen) another vessel.
VIEWING: Prospective buyers can view 'Fifi's Princess' at the bottom of the Solent where the ship sunk after being struck in the amidships by 12 large cannons fired from a navy patrol vessel.
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.00001%
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
Calico Jack's wig
Condition: Damp and Musty
Postage: half a Cronan
Ye be bidding on:
BLACK BART'S WALLET
This be the very wallet that Bart takes with him when 'ee goes down the tavern. As new. Never opened.
Comes with free list of excuses of why it's not your round.
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.00001%
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
The Black Spot's 'Open Boat' Survival Kit
Contains:
One Plump Cabin Boy
One Worn Out Compass
Laminated Photo of Big Brenda
One tin of Shark repellant (Fish Stew)
List of Crew members to be Keel Hauled when ye gets home
30 Gallon Barrel of Grog
Postage: half a Cronan
Quote from: The Black Spot on February 16, 2007, 03:13:37 PM
Ye be bidding on:
BLACK BART'S WALLET
This be the very wallet that Bart takes with him when 'ee goes down the tavern. As new. Never opened.
Comes with free list of excuses of why it's not your round.
I am now the lucky owner of Black Bart's Wallet, however I can't get it open. Can you help me please as I need to pay my 1 Dubloon to enter Fifi's weekly quiz competition.
Seller: bludav-international
Feedback: 99.999%
Member: Since 1788
You are bidding for:
Genuine night parrot
Be the first pirate on your ship to own the famous endangered night parrot. Extinct in the wild, we are the only suppliers of this exclusive bird.
We guarantee to sell only one bird per ship, so be the envy of all your mates, get a night parrot now!
Bidding starts at 100,000 dubloons
Shipping: 500 Dubloons
Insurance: 1,500 Dubloons
Seller: OpenBoat
Feedback: -12
Member since: 1695
Can't sleep at night? Noisy squawking keeping you awake? You need
THE NIGHT PARROT STRANGLER
These heavy duty gauntlets make twisting a Night Parrot's neck a breeze.
Price: 2 dubloons
Postage: 52 dubloons
**BUY WITH CONFIDENCE**
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.00001%
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
Dark Avenger Costume
Condition: Used
Includes:
Purple cape
Yellow Gloves
Yellow Utility Belt
Purple grappling Hook
Purple Shirt
Purple Pants with large hole in gusset area, only about the size of a peg leg, easily sown up.
One tin of Shark Repellant
Reserve: 50 Dubloons
Postage: half a Cronan
Seller: OpenBoat
Feedback: -121
Member since: 1695
Current Bid: 1 penny
THE FULL SIZE BLACK BART MODEL!
This is your chance to own a lifesize (5'1") BLACK BART MANNEQUIN!
Wonderful attention to detail, from the grizzled walnut like face down to the woodworm riddled pegleg. Even the dinner stains down the front of his shirt have been faithfully reproduced!
Features:
* Glazed expression
* Arm moves with realistic beer swilling motion
* Utters four phrases: "It's your round", "where's me pint", "I've left me money indoors", "I'll pay you back next week".
* Wallet sealed shut for extra realism
Be one of the first to own this outstanding piece of history!
---------------------------------------
Questions from other bidders
Q. Is this the standup version?
A. I'm afraid Bart is unable to stand unaided. However, this can be rectified with a broomstick of the correct thickness.
Q. Is Bart easy to store? I only have a small cupboard under the stairs.
A. No problem. Lots of people have had him in a cupboard.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUY WITH CONFIDENCE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Arrr-Bay
I has a complaint about the seller 'OpenBoat'.
I was the winnin bidder fer the 'Full Size Black Bart Model. I was well happy seein as it only cost me 1 penny. I hinstalled it in me cabin and took off on a month's vacation in the Carribean thinkin me crew would be none the wiser as they slaved over the ship and Fish Head Stew production.
One day into me holiday I gets a letter from the Bosun askin where the hell was I and who the blisterin hell was the hansome fellar in me cabin?!!! I henclose a picture o the so called Black Bart model and I wants me money back!!!!
(http://www.bloglines.com/images/plumber-pirate.jpg)
Item: Inflate-a-cabin boy (IaCB)
Vendor: No-Friends Enterprises (NoFE)
Notes: The life at sea can be a very lonely pasttime. Some of us don't have hired help when we need it.
So isn't it nice to know NoFE can help ease your lonely voyage with a speshal friend to keep that cabin fever at bay.
This fully sized inflatable cabin boy, will provide you wif all the help you need.
The ideal converation piece at your next card game. Get your fellow scurvy dogs all jealous, as yer whip out your IaCB.
Your IaCB comes complete with a list of readily usable phrases like 'Aye-aye Captain' 'Here's your pipe and slippers Sir' and 'I'm off up the crows nest now Capn'
Just make sure your friends don't ask him any complex questions like 'What's the area of a rhombus?' or 'What do you think about the Colonial harbour tax?' and you'll have 'em fooled.
Your IaCB come complete wif an awesome instruction manual, written in some undecipherable text you'll never understand.
To Sell: 11 Available - Buy 'em all and start yer own soccer team!
Payment: 100 Dubloon, PaySwab Only.
I as for sale the latest in Pirate Technology
THE CROWS NEST ELEVATOR
Why do yer need one, well when you are tracking close to shore an yer want to keep away from the navy patrols, yer need someone in yer crows nest quick.
This machine is in fact a see saw an yer place it in a strategic position on the deck under yer crows nest. Git yer cabin boy to sit on one end an ask one of yer heavier crew mewmbers to run up and jump on ye other end, I use Big Brenda an it works a treat. Yer Cabin Boy is transported to the Crows Nest without the need to spend time climbing up the rigging.
SELLERS WARNING
Yer need 10 spare cabin boys cos yer will lose a few of em before you get yer aim right.
PRICE
I as a job lot of these as me supplier went missing at sea after e insisted on payment so yer can purchase yer Crow's Nest Elevator fer the bargain price of 10 Cronins
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.00001%
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
150 ipod nanos
Condition: Used, needin the salt water dried out of em and smellin of penguin.
Reserve: 150 Dubloons
Postage: half a Cronan
Seller: OpenBoat
Registered since: 1659
Feedback: 4%
Ye be bidding on:GENUINE APPLE I-PATCHSick o' all the high pitched screamin' when yer plunderin' a ship? Simply strap this round yer head and ye can slaughter to the sounds o' yer favourite sea shanties.
Holds 3 hours o' music. More than enough to slice up even the most stubborn crew o' a merchant ship.
BUY IT NOW: 60 Cronans
!!!!!!!!!!!BUY WITH CONFIDENCE!!!!!!!!!!
For the Pirate who never wants to get lost at Sea I can offer the latest in Satelite Navigational Technology
BART BART
Ye can attach a computer console on yer bridge an wherever you at sea yer can hear on the screen the soothing tones of Black Bart guiding yer safely to yer destination.
SELLERS WARNING 1: It may help not to be to specific when yer tap in yer coordinates, if yer are at sea, tap in land an if on land tap in sea. Tests on the equipment indicated that finding the 2nd option is more successful.
SELLERS WARNING 2: Once yer exit the Solent it as been discovered the directions offered by the system are faulty so yer may perhaps want ter use more reliable measures like a compass, crows nest or throw yer parrot 200 feet in the air and see if it can see anything.
This product is being offered on a free 30 day trial if yer don't like it throw it over the side, every other blaggard has.
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.00001%
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
The Cap'n Cronan Treasure Game
Be the first player to find the treasure in this all action deluxe board game from PAAAARRRKER. The game includes deluxe parchment gameboard, 6 pewter scurvy pirate characters, 6 minature pewter weapons (the unlucky one gets the pewter haddock), 6 ransom cards, a wad of Grog Vouchers and a barrel of Old Nick. The Seventh player has to be Cronan himself and it be his job to kill everybody before they drink the Old Nick.
Full instructions included
Can be played with 2 to 7 players (although 1 player plus Cronan be a very short game)
Suitable for age 48 years and up
Not suitable for age 3 years or less due to likelyhood of bein eaten
No Reserve
Postage: 4 Grog Vouchers
Seller: Scurvey Disciplinary Court
Feedback: 0.0099%
Member: Since 1694
You are bidding for:
Judge's Underpants
Only partly worn. Suit Cap'n wanting to impress.
Full instructions and washing label included.
Price: 2,0000 Cronan. Deposit required.
Deposit??????
Deposits and Underpants don't go well together!!!!
I suppose "only partly worn" was subtler ;)
For those who think I have gone loopy see foot of page here (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/6747975.stm) and video (http://search.bbc.co.uk/cgi-bin/search/results.pl?tab=av&q=judge%20underpants&recipe=all&scope=all&edition=d)
Seller: Sinbad the Sailor
Feedback -99%
Member since 648
You are bidding for:Extra large barrel of rats tails
Slightly rotting barrel of rats tails looks like calamari when battered ,no one will know the difference ,excellent opportunity to start up a restARGHraunt or just hack them on the street.
Must be at least 25,000 units,THINK OF THE PROFIT! seller must make room for fresh inventory.
NO RESERVE!
Winnig bidder pays 5 pieces of eight for shipping and handling.
Act now for once in a lifetime opportunity.
Seller: Saucy Gert Pettigrew
Feedback: astounding
Member since 1660
Ye be biddin on: A special surprise mystery item. Guaranteed to provide hours of fun and enjoyment. Safe for pirates of all ages- not to be taken internally however. 100% dubloon back if not 100% satisfied, unless product opened or user deceased. This will delight and amaze all your shipmates- in fact when you receive it your response to it will send them running for their cameras.
No reserve--- just send me your credit card number and I'll take care of the rest.
Item shipped in your credit card statement so no postage necessary ;)
Seller : Popeye
Feedback :?????
Member since 1792
AHHH! Ga Ga Ga Ga ! ,ye be bidding on WON GROSS O' CANNED SPINACH.Yes mateys that wud be 144 2lb cans of spinach!
Enuff fur a won yeer voyage!
Be da foist to take advantage of dis new technology!
Eech can be full and vitimins an' minerals ,mainly iron and lead ,eyes meself has jus etten five cans....now ...wots wuz I saying?.....Ah Ga Ga Ga Ga...Opening bid be two hambergers.
Winning bidder trades olive oil fur shipping and handling..AHHH GA GA GA GA !
I'd like to report seller Popeye
I bought the spinach- delivered that skinny gal and the black rot gut pirate didn't include a can opener so now I'm stuck at sea wif 30 hungry deck hands and 144 2lb cans of spinach
_____________________________________________________________
Seller: Saucy Gert Pettigrew
Feedback: flabergasted
ye be bidding on one pirate ship, comes complete wif crew o 30 and 144 2 lb cans of spinach--
NOTE buyer must bring own can opener.
price: one small rowable dinghy so's I can makes me escape from these hungry deck hands
AHHH GA GAGAGA !
I foines mesefs wonce agin much malined!
Yarrr! thems cans is wot gots all la minerals ARRRR GA GAGAGA , eyes be rite opin an' honest.
Dis negatiff feedback be rong dis toime ! AHHHHHhhhh GAGAGagagagagaga................
Seller : Jason
Feedback : :ROFL:
Member since : 1342 BCE
By the gods ! , ye who enter into bidding may be the one to possess the one and true ...GOLDEN FLEECE ! .
Think of the power to be yours when you don this magical and mystical one of a kind item.
Great peril and hardship did we face...many a shipmate did suffer a cruel death to obtain this priceless treasure.
But for this week only, a price, maybe your price , will make ye a being to be reckoned with.
ACT NOW!! Starting bid is 1000,000 talents , 50 vestal virgins , 5 free passes to the oracle and a new pair of sandals size 10 1/2 ( xtra wide at the toes please).
Seller must pay off gambling debts to Hercules , Pericles and Euclid .
Ask seller a Question:
Dear Jason
This had better not be just another Sheepskin what's bin sprayed with gold Xmas paint. Can you prove that it be the real Golden Fleece...we demand a miracle.
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.00001%
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
One Pitbull Terrier
Name: Charles but answers to Fang or Godzilla
One previous owner...deceased
Loves children...that's why we had to chain im in the bilge!
Good at killin Bilge rats, either the organised or disorganised type.
Any Reasonable offer considered
Buyer to collect only...please bring a large iron cage.
Fer sale: Used Diploma Tutor
Condition: Scarred
Reason fer sale: Has "issues"
Sellin Poynts: Will maximise yer opportunites fer testin yer anger responses
Quality: ken teech yer more than yer ever need ter know abowt people
Relevance: after a good bashing wuld make admirable figger 'ead
Buyer Collects
Price: free
Seller:Odysseus
Feedback : :snark:
Member since : 1237BCE
Ye be bidding on one Wooden Horses Head.Very convincing horses head...Certain to lively up your next raid.
Opening bid is a ride home since I be shipwrecked again and all my crew be a five letter word for live bacon anyhow.
Winning bid collects me and the head .
Vendor: Modsales.com
Item: 1 x Pirate Moderator
Starting Bid: Name yer price!
Notes:
Is your board infested with insipid maritme characters on a raiding party? Can't seem to get rid of insidious posts and delete references to wanton characters without warning? Having trouble getting your biased opinions across to other members without being heckled continuously?
Then how about controlling them with an evil blaggard who can speak their lingo?
* This drunken rude old chappy with a penchant for wimmens clothing, can get your pirate boards under control like never before.
* Watch him invent silly threads that will confuse the newest wannbe pirate.
* See his scurvy mates make continuous references to Fishhead stew, Madame Fifi's, Big Ron and Knockin Shops in a matter of minutes.
* Watch as your Serious threads became inhabited once again by Pseuo-intellectuals and know-it alls, as those pesky Pirates return to their own forum patch.
This moderator comes complete with it's own collection of strange avatars, that will confuse even his own crew.
Get your board under control today!!
***Start Bidding Today (or we'll stay even longer)***
Dear Modsales.com,
I wanna return that pirate moderator ye sold me. I tried im and e be yoosless.
Ye shuld be offerin me money ter take im offen yer 'ands, loike. In fact iffen ye do nay give me my money back, plus 100 Dubloons, Oi'll be bringin im right back ter yore place an leavin im, with a "fresh" round of red cowe sanwiches.
Wotz with the pink dress, anyway? 'E be scarin th littel kiddies.
Cap'n Green Whiskers
Webmaster
Barbary Coast Internet Forum
I'll do ye a swap...yer pirate moderator for Charles my Pit Bull! He be a really effective moderator in the mold of good Ol Auntie Dee Dee!
Is Charles the Pit Bull organic?
Have a look at the picture of him in Playbilge...tha's Organic enough for me! I think you are confusing Pit Bulls with Brassicas.
Seller : Odysseus
Feedback : >:(
Member since : 1237BCE
BY THE GODS ! Ye be biddin upon the true GOLDEN FLEECE !
Do not allow yeselves to be deceived by sorcerers and rogues !
All I ask of ye is a ride home to me wife and boy .
Winning bid delivers me from Circe's Island , I am not to be cursed for any difficulty's along the way .
seller :Popeye
Feedback : :taz:
Memmer since : 1789
AAAHHHHHHHGAGAGAGA.....Ahoy me mateys , ye be bidden on 2 DOZEN FISH EADS PACKIN OLIVES OYL. Hurry ups en bids me hARRties me Olives can't hole it much longARR!........AHHHHHHHHHgagagagagagagaga.....
Winnin bidder retoiwns da container . AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHgagagagaga..
Quote from: Bruder Cuzzen on July 24, 2007, 07:01:25 AM
seller :Popeye
Feedback : :taz:
Memmer since : 1789
AAAHHHHHHHGAGAGAGA.....Ahoy me mateys , ye be bidden on 2 DOZEN FISH EADS PACKIN OLIVES OYL. Hurry ups en bids me hARRties me Olives can't hole it much longARR!........AHHHHHHHHHgagagagagagagaga.....
Winnin bidder retoiwns da container . AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHgagagagaga..
Popeye- iffin it be anyfink likes that spinach debacle then NO Thanks!
Arr! Gertie , I be sorryable bout dat..... twas Wimpys fault Ahhhhgagagaga....Ye wount be havin eny trubbel wiff da fish heads in Olives Oil .
Ta get dem out ye dont need en op' ner . ye just tickle Olives troat wid a parrots fedder . AHHHgagagaga....
seller : Popeye
feedback : :snark:
memmer since : 1789 CE
Ye be bidden on Sum Can Opinneers..... daze be garrrrrrate fer opininz canz .
Opnen bid be a can o spinach.......AHHHHHHGAgagagagagagagagaga..............!
Seller: fishstewpot
Feedback: 0.1%
Member: Since 1765
You are bidding for:
Pair of slave maidens...seen here holding up a pillar but equally handy for holding up your main mast.
No reserve.
(http://www.dragonflybeach.com/vintage/p349.jpg)
Postage: 12 pieces of 8
Also see my other items:
Pair of genuine Pigmy Book ends. Pair of Elephant Garage door props. Pair of real Porpoise water skies...can also be used as garden pond fountains...duel porpoise!
Aaaargh! Bay Reviews.
Seller: fishpotstew.
Remarks on this seller. 'e be tryin' ter sell maidens wun o' witch be short o' a garland or two !
Buyer Beware.
Arrrrgh...ignore that warnin me hearties...here's one o me satisfied customers on a pair o terrapin water skis:
(http://www.sacbee.com/static/weblogs/travel/going_places/archives/twiggy5.jpg)
Seller: Saucy Gert
Feedback: Wunderful if ye know whots gud fer ye
Member: Since 1538
Ye be biddin on: Two slightly used straw beds from the rental rooms at the Admiral Benbow. By slightly used I mean worn to a frazzle and fairly stinking to high heaven.
Why ye shuld by: Be the only pirate to owns the very beddin slept on by both Captian Cronan and Knuckles O Shuffles(but they insists not at the same time ;)--
Price for these priceless pieces o history: no minimum but it better be alot- Gertie needs a new mirror to go behind the bar
Seller: Professor Nathaniel Winter-Wartson
Item: Tartan leg warmers - designed and woven by Swatotartans Inc.
Condition: Hardly warn, only a few holes
Can be viewed at http://swatotartslegs.com/warmers
Free if collected before Tuesday, 25 Scroats exrtra for every day after that.
Bargain! All stock must be cleared due to pending hygeine inspection.
Seller: Cap'n Bluenose, who else yer stoopid lubber?
Item: One large Vat.
Condition: Used, slight staining from rumm and butter.
Can be viewed at The Admiral Benbow (http://toadfishmonastery.com/forum/index.php?topic=72.msg152145#msg152145)
Price: 3 cases o' Cap'n's Deloight XO or one 24 hour pass to Madam Fifi's Palace D'Boudoir
Y'aaarrrrgggghhhhh... I user ter 'ave one o'those. Now it just seems loik a beautiful dream....
Wouldjya toik a half hour pass to Fifi's?
Dun! Yer kin pick it up from th' adm'ral B's enny toime ye wants...
Quote from: BluenoseDun!
Ar, Oi thinks she has been. :mrgreen:
Arrrghh, wot the heck. Tis Yuletime arfter arl.