YArrrrr...
So yer though we'd bin closed, well yer wrong.
The monks are quite partial to Playbilge...as many of 'em are blokes yer know! They have allowed us to undertake publication of the magazine, provided we give the odd human interest stories eg. Squiddlie Breedin'.
During me toime in the garden, Oi've had some toime to reflect on me wicked former ways and decided I don't have any...YArrrrrr!!!!
Send us in yer favourite articles. O'ill post a list of assignments for yer writing pleasure. But just remember keep 'em humble. Think Brenda humbly, think Sea Hag photos humbly etc...YArrrr, yewl get the hang of it.
So Oi now declare the new PlayBilge open fer business.
Welcome back Playbilge.
I tried thinkin of Brenda Humbly but I still nearly fell out o the Crows nest!
arr! we can get the old pirate ship gallery going! no point in havin wimmin an stuff when ther be only one wench a pirate needs!
here be me trusty pirate vessel!
(http://www.chuckhawks.com/bismark.jpg)
YArrrrrr...
Ere' be one of The Arghhh 9000 engagin' the Battleship Yamato, durin a recent voyage off the Pacific.
Let me just say they wuz warned before we engaged em'. Bart's fishhead stew concentrate had 'em heavin' on the decks.
(http://www.users.bigpond.com/kceg/artimages/battleship.jpg)
That's Sibling BlueNose takin' our humbly acquired submarine tracking aircraft for a spin. Awesome!!
YARrrrrr...
Nice ship Goat Starer, but the rudder looks a little vulnerable.
Just avin another go at that movin text, I'll try one o me cannon:
Bang
Quote from: beagle on October 11, 2006, 09:09:35 PM
Nice ship Goat Starer, but the rudder looks a little vulnerable.
Arr! ye scurvy swordfish can damage a boat of this type so oi makes sure I always takes a few o these with me.....
(http://www.diehl-bgt-defence.de/uploads/tx_cliwsprograms/RAM.jpg)
YYYAAARRRR...That be the biggest cigarette lighter I've ever seen. Must use up a lot o petrol!
That e be! finding the cigarette afterwards be the bigger problem! Yarr!
YArrrrr...
That's an awesome harpoon there Goat. O'ill show that one to me whaling mates.
Make sure you fit it with a proximity fuse rather than a contact one matey, so they just stun the whale, or you might get something like this happening:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtVSzU20ZGk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtVSzU20ZGk)
(Anyone not seen that before?)
Oi had not see that before.
They blowed 'er up real good! Not good enuff, but good!
Quote from: DaveLThat's Sibling BlueNose takin' our humbly acquired submarine tracking aircraft for a spin. Awesome!!
Yarr, this anti-submarine flyin be the thing fer me. Ear's a photo wot Oi took a while ago when returning from a bit o' submarine huntin':
(http://i107.photobucket.com/albums/m320/BluenoseCod/Finals640.jpg)
Avaarrrssstttt me hearties, a Pirate loife fer me! (In an umble toadfish way o' course)
Quote from: Sibling Chatty on October 14, 2006, 10:15:55 PM
Oi had not see that before.
They blowed 'er up real good! Not good enuff, but good!
This could be the only way to get rid of Big Brenda should she ever (god forbid) shuttle off her enormous mortal coil!
Nae, when ther be not a bunch o' poirates pumpin' er full of hot air, she be a size 10... ;)
Belay that...
No woman o mine has ever been a size 10...
not since I were in junior Pirate school anyway!
I knew this would reappear
YEAH
and some fine pirate ship photos ye all been submittin too
YYYAAARRRR I be workin on a fine portrait o me ship 'The Big Brenda' in action against The Royal Navy. I has employed the talents o none other than Thomas Gainsborough a fine upcomin artist who has agreed to throw in a portrait o me in full pirate regalia. He had to be a quick worker to get the picture done afore the Navy ship sank!
Arrr! I be working on a vessel that will let me take me plunderin ways ashore! this be be me pro-toe-tipe!!
(http://members.aol.com/APowelson/pirate.jpg)
an while ye be at it here be a picher O me house fer when oi have to be ashore wenching!
(http://generallyawesome.com/2005/photos/pirate-ship-house.gif)
Yarrrr...
To kick off the proceedings, Oi thought we'd start with...
SEND IN A PICTURE OF YER DREAM FORTRESS
YArrrr..If only the bank manager would lend me some more dubloons, 'ere what O'id be kickin' around in...
(http://www.novision.fi/viapori/Durlacher.jpg)
YArrr...this be the Finnish Krespost Seaborg. Is that a 254mm cannon you've got in yer front yard or are you just pleased to see me YArrr!
(http://www.novision.fi/viapori/evillinki.gif)
Jest think of the wenchin' parties we could have in that condo...Arggghhh-mazing!!
AAARRRRR it be BIG, but is it loaded? :taz:
this be mine! oi ad ee as a wee nipper and it repelled me brothers hoards!
(http://strategicsimulations.net/catalog/images/SSAIR06706.jpg)
whilst we are on subject what will we do without airfix! all my childhood dreams smashed!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/5301438.stm
YYYAAARRRR...Here be me ship 'The Big Brenda' in hot persuit of the biggest ship in the navy arter they had the cheek to ask for a refund on the Fish Head Stew I sold em!!!
(http://homepage.mac.com/antonyroberts/.Pictures/ship_attack1.jpg)
YArrr...
Goat, that fortress looks doubly pleased to see those soldiers.
O'im sure the only reason Oi got so much joy from doin' Airfix was from the vapours comin' off that glue yer had to buy...YArrr!
Bart, it's nice to see the Big Brenda in action. Do yer house yer crew in that stern decoration?
I aint seen me crew for weeks, it takes so long to get from me cabin to the upper decks. They seem to be doing a good job though. ;D
Me boat all lit up for tha holidays
but to be honest I just found this on the net somewheres
Children's / Cabin Boy's Section
WHERE'S CRONAN?
That murderous blaggard Cap'n Cronan is hiding somewhere in this happy scene. Can you find him before the body count gets too high?
(http://www.goldup.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/wherescronan.jpg)
Arrr
It has been brought to my attention that this 'ere picture has bin cropped down. If ye wants to see the whole thing, look here:http://www.goldup.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/wherescronan.jpg
(http://www.goldup.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/wherescronan.jpg)
From Cabin Boy Jim (Lad)
Is this a trick question...I thinks Capn Cronan is in the beer tent so ye can't see him?
Is thar a prize...can I have some water wings as I am capn Cronan's cabin boy!
Quote from: Black Bart on October 23, 2006, 11:07:19 AM
From Cabin Boy Jim (Lad)
Is this a trick question...
Arrr Jim Lad,
he were there last night, but the image 'as bin cropped down a bit (probably because it hung over the border).
If ye wants a proper go, look 'ere: http://www.goldup.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/wherescronan.jpg (http://www.goldup.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/wherescronan.jpg)
Cap'n Must-Try-Harder
YYYAAARRR, I claims me water wings...he be hidin in the trench on the right hand side...if I could write I would put an X to mark the spot, Spot!
Excited Cabin Boy Jim (Lad)
Aaaarrr, Boy Jim Lad, but Oi sees im ther too. Ye'll ave ter giv me one of em water wings and swim round in circles. ope yer dont get seesick.
Cap'n Lord Cap'n Lord Lord Treadmill-Floater
Bog off...Ye be all grown up Lord Treadmill and therefore not eligible to enter the competition,
Nya,na,na,na,nyaaaa!
I challenge ye to a game o conkers, double or quits!
Oive moved out of me old hovel an this be me new landlubberly home!
(http://www.neatorama.com/images/2006-04/daniels-woodland-pirate-tree-house.jpg)
Aaaar!! Playbilge needs an oliday cottage rental ads page Yaaaar !! Slip me 60 dubloons an Oi'll see if the editor will place yer ad.
YArrrr...
Ere be a picture of The Argghh House when Bart finally wins office.
(http://img522.imageshack.us/my.php?image=yarrrhousezv9.jpg)
I can't see me house! It could be this stupid computer though. :'(
YArrrr...
Oi think Oi've fixed it. I'm gonna wanna pay yer a visit for a few home renovatin' tips. Oi quite like a good cannon on me front lawn.
(http://img522.imageshack.us/img522/5978/yarrrhousezv9.jpg)
Quote from: DaveL on October 25, 2006, 09:58:26 PM
Oi quite like a good cannon on me front lawn.
them yer will be loving me new abode!
(http://img2.travelblog.org/Photos/21665/80300/f/492575-Imperial-War-Museum-0.jpg)
I always thought ye belonged in a museum!
ps.The pic is of the Imperial War Museum, Lambeth...well worth a visit if ye haven't had much action for ye cannons for a while.
Arrrr! it be me favorite museum in christendom! and on a serious note the holocaust exhibition should be a required visit for all schoolchildren.
here be a few of me holiday homes...
(http://www.otsego.org/ochs/d-tour/cannon.jpg)
(http://www.city-data.com/cpicc/cfiles11874.jpg)
(http://www.rowanpix.com/forts/images/admin-bldg.jpg)
and this is me lovely sea view
(http://images.wildmadagascar.org/pictures/piotr/DSCF5853.jpg)
YYYAARRRR I don't know if thar be a history section in Playbilge but the archives ave turned up this rare picture of Dave L and a Ginger haired Black Bart sayin goodbye to their wenches at Portsmouth. Dave L be tryin out some new gear for Francine the Flagellator (who can be just seen in the background wearin her Capn Bligh outfit - always a favorite with the sailors)!
(http://homepage.mac.com/antonyroberts/.Pictures/botanybay.jpg)
A centrefold for All Hallow's Eve for ye lot, courtesy of Wapsi Square...
(http://wapsisquare.com/comics/20061031_avastyescurvyscoundrel.jpg)
http://wapsisquare.com/d/20061031.html
YArrr...
Bart, put that inciminatin' photo away. If Sibling Bluenose foinds out Oi 'borrowed' his manacles there will be hell to pay...from Francine the Flagellator Oi hopes :D
YArrrr...
Aggie, that be a bewdiful lookin centrefold there. She can inspect my cargo-hold any time.
AAAAAARRRGH...she be the most gorgeous cartoon wench since Wilma of the Flintstones! I tried drawin a cartoon Brenda McTavish but I ran out o paper!
YArrrr...
How's about a few of yer favourite tattoo pics. Oi be keen to gets the Jolly Roger tattooed on me bum with 'Made in Piratica' emblazoned on it.
Although Oi quite enjoy this one...
(http://www.doubloon.com/2005/PERFECT%20TATTOO.jpg)
YYYAARRR...That pirate tattoo looks a bit smudged...what ave ye been up to Dave?!!
Wot be them strange vertical white marks on that lady's upper body? As er bin got at by Cap'n Cronin?
YArrrr...
Would anyone like to get Space Invaders on there instead?
Watch out when yer eat the fruit!! YARRR!
(http://crystaltips.typepad.com/wonderland/pacmanbumtattoo-tm.jpg)
AAAAARRRRGH...that's put me right off me breakfast!!!!
that has made me manly pirate ARRRRR! turn into a maidenly EEK! get it off me telly ye scurvy landlubber!
May Oi be so bold as to henquire wot is All New about this magazine?
Quote from: NoName on November 10, 2006, 01:24:24 AM
May Oi be so bold as to henquire wot is All New about this magazine?
YArrrr...
Oi believes the editorial changes were as follows:
1. The font is different;
2. There are more tattoos than usual;
3. There are more bum photos than usual;
4. Brenda is yet to make an appearance;
Other than that, not alot really ;D
Speakin nice bums, check this one out. Not too much or else...
(http://www.wackypackages.org/originalart/scans/bum.jpg)
That old white haired fellar is Santa after we've finished with im!!!
So jest bits of it are changed? Loike jest editorial changes? Loike Oi culd tek it ter the Disciplinary Trading Standards fer not beein All New an misleadin sellin and sich like. Or I culd get a windfall an av an oliday insted?
YArrr...
Take the holiday matey and report it here. We'll make yer our saucy holiday travel writer.
ye can make yer words fly about in the new playbilge:
Go Go Go
Oi!
Oi'd loike tuh prezent moi matey Loose Laura. This picture wuz taken last summer woile we wuz anchored in port. Seems the gent wuz cunfuzed 'bout her name...
(http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/2492/woman20piratexn9.th.jpg) (http://img165.imageshack.us/my.php?image=woman20piratexn9.jpg)
YArrrr...
Looks like she's rearrangin' the goods in 'is top pocket wif somethin a bit sharp there.
Loose Laura looks loike she might 'aves a few advanced surgical skills there matey.
YOWCH!!
YYYAAARRR we have a similar woman here in Blighty goes by the name of Rebecca Loose...took the edge off many a young swashbucklers sword includin David Beckham's (aledgedly)! ;D
Here is my lil fortress at the Danish Narrows. No Royal Navy scoundrel ever tried to show up here after I installed this lil pea-shooter I bartered from a passing German raider.
(http://www.reuber-norwegen.de/VestAgder/VestAgderKristiansandVara02_g.jpg)
I fear I was a bit too long absent and the cottage needs a new layer of paint at least.
(http://www.reuber-norwegen.de/VestAgder/VestAgderKristiansandVara09_g.jpg)
YArrrrr...
Thanks Swato. There be nuthin better than a holiday abroad to check out a few big cannons.
That bunker looks like the one Santa Claus used when Piratica played his little helpers. No wunder Black Spot couldn't get a clear shot, that concrete slab is Gi-normous!
Antlers at the ready!
And here is my weekend cabin on the other side of the narrows (at Hanstholm). I call it my "Bellicosevue Moby Dick"
(http://www.zuport.dk/imageuploads/1117434865/thumb565_battr_i_leitstand.jpg)
Don't tell the RN, my 38 cm gun is currently in maintenance and I have to be content with the 17 cm ones I usually only use for salute purposes.
Trustworthy mates are invited for visits occasionally
http://www.museumscenterhanstholm.dk/oplev_museet/video/ (http://www.museumscenterhanstholm.dk/oplev_museet/video/)
Portsmouth Chamber of Commerce Presents...THE MEN OF PORTSMOUTH CALENDAR 1707A calendar which shows off 'Natures Best Assets' amongst Portsmouth's most ordinary citizens.
* See Big Ron wearin' only his best smile;
* See Capn DaveL bein' inventive with creatures of the sea;
* Marvel at Black Bart's strange tattoos - in the bonus sealed section (YArrr!!)
*And just what is Constable Wilkins doin' in the lockup?
A calendar loaded full of 'too much information' that'll leave you cravin' for them to get their gear back on.
1. Model 2. Name 3. Setting 4. Assets Covered by...
1. Mr January 2. Bustlin Brian 3. Bathroom 4. A shifter spanner
1. Mr February 2. Capn DaveL 3. Quarter Deck 4. A haddock
1. Mr March 2. Capn Bluenose 3. Crows Nest 4. A telescope
1. Mr April 2. Honest John O'Grady 3. Used ship lot 4. For sale sign
1. Mr May 2. Goat Starer 3. Paddock 4. A goat
1. Mr June 2. Capn Black Spot 3. Gunnery 4. A cannon ball
1. Mr July 2. Big Ron 3. Butchery 4. An apron
1. Mr August 2. Constable Wilkins 3. Padded Cell 4. A truncheon
1. Mr September 2. Bill Piggins 3.Portsmouth Bank 4. A change purse
1. Mr October 2. Thomas Graverson 3. Plumbing supplies 4. Down pipe
1. Mr November 2. Erik 'Skol-up' Nordstrum 3. Dribblin Parrot 4. A rum bottle
1. Mr December 2. Santa Claus 3. Concrete Bunker 4. Xmas Stocking
|
Get your copy today!!
YArrrr!
I wouldn't put that calendar up in the kitchen...it'll turn the milk sour!
YArrrr...
Wait until 1708, we've got the village green grocer lined up. And as for the use of zuccinis, he's all for it! YArrrr!
We also may get the local court judge, the harbour master and the light house keeper as well, although tellin yer what they'll cover up with may make yer shudder ;D YArrr!
Oy, one of me ancestors married the light-house keeper's daughter *, ye don't want to get the wrong side of me, me lad.
* circa late 1700s.
YArrrr...
That be way after this photo shoot matey. Oi thinks we be safe.
Mind you, we may 'aves to contact Scumsoft for a copy of Piro-shop. Oi heards there is some serious airbrushin' that needs doin', particularly on Honest John O'Grady.
Oi wouldst loike tuh submit a pikchore tuh the mag'zine.
The ladies un oi arr thinkin' o' havin' it as an emblem...
(http://img293.imageshack.us/img293/5702/milkshakego3.jpg)
Verily that is very,very,silly...what about a medieval version of Cyprus Hill!
YArrrrr..
Ere be a noice little video of the worlds biggest cannon lettin' off a round in WW2.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxuW8gG8Hfg
Oi wouldn't mind one of those for me attack on Tiddle's fortress.
Crikey...those German's really didn't like us much did they?
Have you seen Southparks 'Make Love Not Warcraft' on YouTube yet, it's hilarious.
YArrr...
Just though O'id lets yers know, Playbilge is celebrating its 1 year anniversary (as of yesterday)
HAPPY BERFDAY PLAYBILGE!! :toadfish::balloon: :balloon: :balloon: :toadfish:
YAAAAAARRRRRRH!
Oi'll get an order in on rush for a rum cake!
(no candles.... the blaggerts use overproof rum).
Many happy returns to Playbilge...I be workin on a card to celebrate the event! Pop the bubbly!
Pop!
(http://homepage.mac.com/antonyroberts/.Pictures/Daft%20images/Models.jpg)
YArrrr...
Where would we be wifout the services of the ARGHHH Modelling Agency. They've supplies us wif many fine centrefolds.
YArrrr...who be that stunner on the left? It's a pity it's sittin on Paris Hilton's shoulder...YARRR!!!
Now, Oi though we might like to start a new photo competition. It's called:
Send in yer Favourite Saucy Vegetable or Fruit.
Oi though O'id kick off the proceedings wif this little ripper!
(http://www.foodsnherbs.com/bitter_melon.JPG)
My favourite berry, the Moltebær (or Multebær)
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/c/c1/Hjortron.jpg/800px-Hjortron.jpg)
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/c/c1/Hjortron.jpg/800px-Hjortron.jpg
Dogfish Head Brewery has made an Arctic Cloudberry Imperial Wheat beer, which was inspired by the cloudberry lambic dubbed Soleil de Minuit made by Brasserie Cantillon for the Akkurat pub in Stockholm.
(http://www.jezuk.co.uk/files/rude_spud.jpg)
my favorite potato
You'll find these at Portsmouth market...it's where Pirgella shows of her best fruit!
(http://homepage.mac.com/antonyroberts/.Pictures/More%20daft%20images/melon.jpg)
YArrr,
Nuthin really to say about this one!! :o :o :o
(http://media.freewebjunk.com/pix/36/sexy_carrot.jpg)
http://media.freewebjunk.com/pix/36/sexy_carrot.jpg
Dave...I thought my Melons might be too big but whatever you've put up is obviously too rude for us to be allowed to see!!! (No pic on my computer)
I can see it just fine... very tasty!!
It aint just veg getting into the act. All sorts of plants are joining in...
(http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/superslacker87/BoardStuff/lilac.jpg)
YArrrr...
Thanks Bart, I've posted the link as well. It casts some strange dispersions on the real gender of 'Katie Carrot' (Mr Potatohead's friend) that pic.
Arrgh! Wait O'ive just found a very strange looking tomato...
more from the carrots....
(http://www.sodamnfunny.com/Picture/Fruit/carritd2.jpg)
YArrr...
Is that shovel in yer garden, or are yer just pleased to see me?
Ahoy shipmates! oive recently been perusin one of them thar 'lads mags'! (boi accident ye ken - oi thought e be about cannons bein called 'loaded'). In it oi saw n'article aabouy yer favorit positions! with woodcuts! (most o the lads in that thare mag seemed to favour some kind o lyin down but to me that just aint piratey!)
So oi thought Oid share with ye all me favorit position.....
It be....
- Standin on a box in the street like this fella
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/9/9e/Portobello_pirate.jpg/180px-Portobello_pirate.jpg)
what be your favorite positions lads?
any'ow that be me lot as oive just dicovered pitates have a bit too much likn fer goat....
"One year we had a special punishment for the pirates - they had to drink mannish water. This is a Jamaican delicacy with the main ingredient being goats testicles. We only had one goat so had to mix baby potatoes to disguise the two real testicles. I won't divulge to you the two happy recipients! in fact, obtaining the goat was a story in itself..." (http://www.seafairpirates.org/AboutPirates/LogBooks/2000/TrialOfThePirates.htm)
Arrrr...
Here be summit fer those lonely winter nights. A Triffid in bondage.
(http://images.foodnetwork.com/webfood/images/cooking/fruitandveggieguide/big_beets.jpg)
Now does that get yer sap risin' or not? Hellooooo.... Hellooo... Anyone...?
YArrr...
Goat, that bloke standing on the box don't look like any vegetable Oi've seen.
Spot, Oi can see there may be a new calendar coming up called 'The Vegetables of Portsmouth' Oi thinks your Beetroot just got Ms July...YARR!
Oi ran into this mutant coconut off the coast o' Italy... Methinks it one o' E. Rasers genetic experiments gone awry. Last Oi 'eard 'e was trying to grow a tree wot had Viagra in the fruit. Looks like 'e succeded...
YArrrr!!!
E.Raser coconuts!! Mighty impressive.
O'm not quite sure to make of these. But it looks like someone has mutilated their vegetables, bein' bored at a bad dinner party.
Where those toothpicks are goin'is makin' me wince wif pain.
(http://img179.imageshack.us/img179/2268/veggiesdp4.jpg)
Quote from: DaveL on December 06, 2006, 08:27:08 AM
(http://img179.imageshack.us/img179/2268/veggiesdp4.jpg)
'Ang on... That's me number one harpooner's head on that table! I wunnered what 'appened to 'im.
AN IMPORTUNT PLAYBILGE ANOWNSEMUNT
Ladies and Gentlemen:
* Fresh from his highly memorable concert at the Aaaarghh-stock Music Festival...
* Riding high on the success of his home handyman special...
* Soaring on the back of his famous appearance as 'Mr July' in The Men of Portsmouth Calendar...
Comes an evening with someone who'll send your Global Warming predictions way off track.
Playbilge International in conjunction with Portsmouth Entertainment Inc presents an evening wif a bloke you will seriously never forget...
A NIGHT WITH BIG RON AND THE INCREDIBLE WIND BAND – 'UNPLUGGED AND UNVENTILATED'
Hear the 'master of the sausage' make some noises you'd never expect, as Big Ron and band sing famous tunes from his forthcoming album 'Let One Rip'.
See Big Ron alter the composition of the atmosphere before your very eyes (and nose).
Watch fans in the front row struggle for breath, as Big Ron shows the true meaning of asphyxiation.
Hear Big Ron crank out all the tunes (and other sounds) that'll truly take you breath away.
His repertoire will include his hit singles:
· 'Not Near a Naked Flame'; :-X
· 'See Me, Hear Me, Smell Me'; :-X
· 'Me and You and a Vindaloo'; :-\
And his latest hit:
· 'Go Easy on the Lentils':P
Durin' interlude Big Ron will be reciting his famous Butcher shop stories. So if the lack of ventilation don't get you, his exploits with his sausages surely will.
Make your bookings today through SCUM-TEK Ticket Office today.
The first 50 customers will get a bonus sausage and autographed respirator.
BOOK NOW! YARRRR!
Getting back to the erotic fruit & veg topic, I do like a nice pear...
(http://homepage.mac.com/antonyroberts/.Pictures/More%20daft%20images/Pair.jpg)
I love it when Pirgella poaches her pears in rum...
YARRRR!!!
(http://www.nancyfarmer.net/dolls/images_guests/guest_tomato1.jpg)
Now that's what I call...Tomato SAUCE!
I believe this link will take you to soem tomato sauce...
http://www1.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/764748/2/istockphoto_764748_saucy_tomato.jpg
Time fer the Chrissmus centre spread.
(http://www.christmas-treasures.com/PossibleDreams/Images/71195.jpg)
Ter think that some Pirates be plannin ter take pot shots at this loveable guy. Join Playbilge Campaign ter Save Santa terday. Sign our petition.
YArrr...
That photo looks like a shot from a mortuary after they've restored 'im. ;D
Nuthin like a bit of formaldehyde. ;D
Quote from Griffin:
"Ter think that some Pirates be plannin ter take pot shots at this loveable guy. Join Playbilge Campaign ter Save Santa terday. Sign our petition."
That be not Santa ye great pilchard...that be The Black Spot in his cunning disguise to help pop the beardy git, should myself and Dave L somehow fail!
Oi thought e looked a bit over-familiar ;D
Allright...I'm getting worried now...
Where are the pictures of Santa exploding over Easter Island?
Exploding pictures have been banned after Playbilge suewed by Big Ron.
This month's centrefold shows Pirates following girlies in their new careers as Beefeaters.
(http://s41.photobucket.com/albums/e284/Griffinit/th_beefy-pirate.jpg)
YYYAAARRRR...That be just a picture of Dave L getting into his pink dress! ;D
YArrrr...
As part of reinstatin' Playbilge to it's former glory, Oi've contacted the girls and they are all agreein'. The monthly centre folds shall return.
If the Men of Portsmouth Calendar is the best Rupert Scurv-doch can muster, then there be plenty of room fer improvement!
Here be the lovely Miss Tiffany for yer lads!
MISS JANUARY
Name: Miss Tiffany
Occupation: Pantomine Singer
Favourite Past time: Screamin' loudly at suitcases
Likes: Men in pink dresses, or dressed up as Brenderella
Dislikes: Goats, Men who like fishhead stew, The Piratica Soccer Team
Where will you be in 5 years time: If the bubonic plague don't get me, O'ill be pullin' beers at the Dribblin Parrot.
(http://www.brianbelge.com/Wench-Tiffany-sharpened-tri.jpg)
The dirty cow has got her knickers showin!!!!
I fink she's saying "Big Ron showed me a sausage this big."
Here's a picture of me alternative virtual pirate life on 'Second Life'. That's me in the foreground, standing infront of me ship and me Inn (The Black Shuck Inn). I has even got a virtual cannon to fire at the neighbours!
(http://homepage.mac.com/antonyroberts/.Pictures/More%20daft%20images/Inn_1.jpg)
Introducin'
MISS FEBRUARY
Name: Miss Gwenda
Occupation: Apprentice Butcher at Big Rons, Portsmouth
Favourite Past time: Filletin' Shanks
Likes: A big bratwurst, Anything to do wif hacking up carcasses
Dislikes: Cocktail frankfurts, Lighting matches near Big Ron
Where will you be in 5 years time: I'm ambitious girl. I'll be givin' the Portsmouth Butcher scene a bit of competition. Jes don't tell Big Ron!
(http://www.mwart.com/images/pl/Medieval_Costumes_Pirate_Wench_Cos_RD8465_5242.jpg)
YYYAARRRR...She'll ave to be more careful with her cleaver...the daft wench has cut her clothin to shreds, and it looks loik her hair's got caught in the sausage machine!!
Oh my that poor wench has been attacked by a rabid hair crimper!
Tonight's TV Listings
5.00 Portsmouth 90210 The glamorous lives of the pupils of Portsmouth Pirate Public School. This week Principal Cullinane gets blown up by a dodgy still.
6.00 Doctor Whook This week, the time travelling pirate spends all day in the tavern, and at closing time uses the TARRRDIS to go back to lunchtime and start again.
7.00 The News A roundup of today's murders and kidnappings.
7.15 Jolly Rogers in the 25th Century
8.15 Film: Titanic Captain Cronan takes command of an unsinkable vessel.
8.17 Cannon Fat bastid who shoots people
10.30 Tonight's Weather A dark and stormy night like yesterday. And tomorrow. And next week.
YArrrr...
That be a fine nights viewin' there Spot.
Here be a nice picture of a 'French Hooker' for yers! YArrrr, Oi must have had too many grogs that night we docked in Marseille. Yarrrr!
(http://www.rugbyheaven.smh.com.au/ffxImage/urlpicture_id_1048354492612_2003/03/24/2403rh_ibanez.jpg)
AAARRRRGH...Look at em those Froggy Peasants are fightin over a round o Camembert cheese again!
Book Review:
The Faceless Pirate by Captain Cronan.
2420 pages, 2 groats.
This is Cap'n Cronan's third novel, and is just as impenetrable as the other two. Cronan's use of arcane language, second level metaphores and sprinklings of pidgin latin make this book a daunting task for the casual reader.
It is, at turns, touching and funny. Many paragraphs trick the reader into thinking that a profound point is being made, but upon reflection the reader realises that it's utter drivel. Whether this is a clever ploy on Cronan's part is uncertain; some critics maintain that the banality of some of the passages is an analogy of the pirate's existance, while other critics maintain that Cronan is just spouting rubbish.
The plot deals with a shepherd who dreams of being a pirate. It is uncertain from who's viewpoint the tale is told. Sometimes it seems to be the shepherd, sometimes one of the sheep and other times by the scarecrow in the next field. It is also possible that the narrator is actually a pirate who has not yet met the shepherd, but may do so at some unspecified date in the future.
The shepherd has never seen himself in a mirror, and so spends much of the book wondering if he has the look of a pirate. The secondary characters are unable to see the shepherd because of a series of strange occurances that happen everytime they try to look at him. It is also possible that the shepherd does not exist, but is only a figment of the pirate's imagination (but the pirate has not yet thought of him). These paradoxical elements are at the heart of all Cronan's work.
A worthy addition to Cronan's body of works.
MISS APRIL
(http://www.medievalfaire.com/photos/wellWench.jpg)
Name: Ms Myfanwy Llandilo-gogogoch
Occupation: Rugby Cheerleader
Favourite Past-time: Findin' the father of her lively young boy named 'Bart Jr'.
Likes: Leeks, Choral Singin', Ginger Cats answerin to Tiddles
Dislikes: Pirates - particularly ones from Portsmouth,
French Hookers
Where will you be in 5 years time: On a big fat pirates pension ie, the 50% Black Bart will give me if Oi ever catch him in Cardiff again.
HHAARRR HAARRR HHHARRRR...She be lookin even lovlier than what I remembers...lucky I never goes to Cardiff matey!
I don't wants to worry ye Dave but ye forgot Miss March...infact ye set up the photo shoot...and then forgot her!!!!
Miss March:
(http://www.halloweenhouse.org/halloween05/pirate1.jpg)
YArrrrr, that be why I forgot her matey. That anorexia nervosa must be doin' the rounds at the Pirate modelling agency.
Now it's toime for another Playbilge send in yer favourite photo competition. O'ive entitled this one
SHOW US YER BIG ASS
(http://www.photohome.com/pictures/mixed/donkey-1.jpg)
YArrrr!
Miss March be very topical. It be a scandell er was left owt. Size 0? She be size -1 Yaaaarrr!
Sorry, I though Dave said a Big Asp!
(http://www.reelotech.com/images/snake-small.JPG)
Ooops slight slip of the tongue there Bart! Oi thinks Oi meant to say Big Aspen
(http://snowshare.ringingspurs.com/wr_bilder/aspen_mountain_ajax.jpg)
Oi quite likes this one
(http://www.cartoonstock.com/lowres/rjo0296l.jpg)
If ye don't put up yer photo o Miss May soon...she'll be Miss Mayn't! ;D
MISS MAY
Name: Ally McWench
Occupation: Free lance entertainer of the night
Likes: Meeting up after dark, Dimly lit areas.
Dislikes: Madame Fifi who booted her out, after she was found running a rival enterprise called 'Ally Cats'
Where will you be in 5 years? I'd like to think my services are complimentary to those offered by Fifi. I'm hopin me busines will grow.
Not all us girls are petite, pretty and capable of doin the 'can-can'. It's amazin' how Portsmouth's darker-lit spots can facilitate some negotiable affection.
(http://www.bearskinrug.co.uk/_articles/2006/09/07/samples_from_14/alley_wench.jpg)
YYYYAAAARRRRGH!
I wish I'd kept me mouth shut now!
YArrr, Oi thinks she looks a bit like Brenda m'self.
Never met her though ;D
MISS JUNE
(http://www.tatiana.info/pictures/pix7/Cancun-mermaid-tat-4.jpg)
Name: Miss Tatiana
Occupation: Professional Dugong/Manatee Impersonator
Likes: Fishy Looking Types, Fancy Seaweed Restaurants
Dislikes: Being out of water for >3 minutes, My current limb arrangement, Deepnet fishing trawlers
Where will you be in 5 years? If the Japanese fleet don't get me, hanging out in Portsmouth Harbour looking for some decent limbs.
AAAARRRRRRRR...Mermaids be very frustratin to a red blooded pirate loik me...ye don't know whether to try to make love to em or to chop their head off an throw it in the stew!!!!
How distasteful This brings up a number of other possibilities. I feel my mind is being polluted by the contributers to this unpopular magazine.
Lord Cap'n Treadmill-Whitehouse
Quote from: Black Bart on June 05, 2007, 09:22:13 AM
AAAARRRRRRRR...Mermaids be very frustratin to a red blooded pirate loik me...ye don't know whether to try to make love to em or to chop their head off an throw it in the stew!!!!
Aye, their heads don't be fish-heads and their tails...
Bart, ye needs a reversed mermaid!
Hm, there was that underwater episode of Futurama ;D
Quote from: Agujjim on June 05, 2007, 03:33:08 PM
Bart, ye needs a reversed mermaid!
GGGGAAARRRRR...that aint helped me Mermaid Fantasy one bit! :o
Yarrrr...
Oi feel sorry for the male dugongs and manatees comin into mating season. Their mating calls have no hope of snaggin' the likes of Miss Tatiana.
First yer have to impress her wif yer big trident. Then yer have to wine her and dine her at some fancy sushi joint.
Speakin of limbs what happens if your a Mer-man? Wouldn't your aerodynamics in 'a certain region' make swimmin' a bit difficult?
Retractable as with many other mammals (e.g. whales).
YArrrr..
Oi could see it being used as a stabilising device during a heavy storm.
We are introducing a new feature to keep our readers amused during those long periods of idleness at sea. The colouring competition. Colour in the picture below and send it to us. Best entry will win a prize.
(http://www.myfreecolouringpages.com/animal_coloring_pages/cute_sheep.gif)
Loik dis?
(http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x97/Swatopluk/cute_sheep.jpg)
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x97/Swatopluk/cute_sheep.jpg
YArrrr,
I think the less mentioned about Sheep or Mermen in Playbilge the better. O'im havin' wicked thoughts...
I didn't know Bart knew Flossie. Thought we'd got all those old images removed from the Net.
No, No, No...Flossie had a much fluffier and bigger...
...er, I don't know what ye be talkin about!
Just get colourin yer blaggards!
Behold the colourful language!
Quote from: Black Bart on June 08, 2007, 11:45:06 AM
Just get colourin yer blaggards!
Here's Flossie as seen on a summer's evening, the dappled sunlight playing on her firm. luxuriant...
Sorry, wandered off again.
(http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h119/osborn_2006/cute_sheep.jpg)
And here's flossie in the style of Damien Hirst.
(http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h119/osborn_2006/cute_sheep_hirst.jpg)
and of Francis Bacon
(http://www.sheep101.info/Images/carcasses.jpg)
(http://www.sheep101.info)
Diamond Flossie
(http://s41.photobucket.com/albums/e284/Griffinit/th_diamondflossie.gif)
YArrrr...
Apologies in advance!! :o :o
But (butt) speaking of floss, Oi can't werke out the necessity for this stuff. Ewwww!
(http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_mar2001/FannyFloss.jpg)
Just when PlayBilge was showing signs of gettin all sophisticated, what with Damian Hirst and Francis Bacon...Dave L soon brought it crashing down to it's filthy, mucky roots! ;D
I'll take four hundred yards of the stuff...for Big Brenda!!
It's about time you announced me the winner and handed over the prize you blaggard. Here's a hint as to something tastefully understated and appropriate (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6712015.stm).
Wouldn't ye rather have this jewel encrusted bra of Big Brenda's instead?
(http://www.zafu.com/roller/resources/blog/VSbra20001.jpg)
Nope. Got lots of sparkly women's lingerie already. Oops.
Think you're conning me anyway. It's way below Dolly Parton size, let alone BB.
Maybe suitable for the sheep ;).
You've been watching that Woody Allen film again.
Quote from: beagle on June 12, 2007, 01:07:40 PM
Nope. Got lots of sparkly women's lingerie already. Oops.
Think you're conning me anyway. It's way below Dolly Parton size, let alone BB.
No one could afford that many diamonds...not even rich buggers like Damian Hurst!
Quote from: beagle on June 12, 2007, 01:17:47 PM
You've been watching that Woody Allen film again.
I would never...and I definitely don't know how to handle tits. ;)
Special Playbilge report on the Pirate Raidin Party.
It be goin well...no serious casualties yet, although Walktheplank has turned into Cilla Black (an improvement in my opinion). The Black Spot had a post deleted for bein reckoned ta be hobscene! I as tried me best to offend everyone but I has failed. They don't even know who Capn Cronan is!!!
The biggest news is...we found E Razer!
At the moment we are about ta launch a recruitin drive fer the Pirate Public School!
YYYYAAARRRRRRR!
Send E.Razer me parrots best regards and one of is white fevvers.
RAIDING PARTY UPDATE No.2
YArrrrr...DaveL raiding party correspondent 'ere.
Indeed it be going well.
* We had the most people ever log onto Omnia, 559 when we started posting.
* Other news...well the boys got me married off to Pirgella.
* Bart's old cloning experiments have resurfaced
* I manged to fire a few broadsides at a cheeky little cabin boy that got up me nose.
* Ditto - trolls that got up me nose. Heckling is such a fine pirate art!
* A few old pirates came out of the woodwork - remember Pachyderm, Kaoshin00
* Bart and I got into a few heckling contests and have managed to 'take the mickey' on many occasions.
Well back to the war room!
All very well, but where's Miss July?
Oh yes, I'll get back to you shortly. After the photo shoot. :mrgreen:
MISS JULY
Name: Miss Portsmouth Fair 1707 - Edwina McSporran
Occupation: Colonel Cutlass Shop Assistant
Likes: The art of poultry preparation, usin brushes on Sunday dinners, lookin voluptuous durin the most borin' of tasks, preparing the Colonels secret herbs and spices.
Dislikes: Big Ron's aggressive marketing, Sail-away restaurants other than Colonel Cutlasses
Where will you be in 5 years time: Now that I've won Miss Portsmouth, O'i hops to open me own chain of Colonel Cutlass franchises.
(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y284/zonker25/bodaceous-babe-buttering-a-turkey.jpg)
AAARRRRGH...Ye've distracted me from me raidin again!
Does she do puddings aswell?
Letter to the editor...
Dear Editor,
I thank you in advance for running this humble missive through your spell check.
Due to the letters of anger from certain members of the community
(mainly the ones from Sister Tankardsly at St Agathas home for wayward girls) and I still maintain my innocence- I've never once recruited barmaids there at all!-
anyway
due to complaints
this publication is now behind the counter and all persons must show appropriate ID (or bribe me) to purchase it
Sincerely
Saucy Gert Pettigrew
Gert, you'll not get proof of intelligence from this lot, let alone the design bit!
YArrrr...
There be nuthin more intelligent than the art of basting a turkey.
I had a delightful caption for that turkey bastin photo then thought wisely not to post it
I'd probably be banned on at least 3 continents----
:mrgreen:
My favorite thing of all is when I can make my grown daughter look at me in shock and go "Mother!"- in that special tone of voice she has.
My delight when my kids were growing up was to provoke a "Daad-dee!" in that voice...
That's when I knew I was doing my daddying right! :P
When my kids were of that age, I only had to threaten to dance...
new column suggestion for playbilge(seeing as it is a fine family entertainment publication)
NOT
Before we were pirates/siblings
a primer on younglings of all ages
(or how we warped the little buggers)
Quote from: anthrobabe on July 10, 2007, 04:41:12 AM
...a primer on younglings of all ages
(or how we warped the little buggers)
Eary, by dancing! :o ::)
But I don' t have any. Now I feel excluded.
No, wait, I can reveal how I warped the younglings of others.
Ahh, forget you read that last sentence....
*saunters nonchalantly away, hands in pockets, whistling a happy tune*
YArrrr...
Playbilge will teach yer kids the right way to baste a turkey. It be very heducational!
I will never look at turkey the same way again.
We were discussing mammary items in another thread----- now there is a quest for ya!
AAARRRRRR, mammaries...aint them the things what gets mistaken fer mermaids?
No. You be muddlin em up with "Get ye ter a mammerie".
Ahh, that be where Oi be going wrong.
Arrrr...the old Playbilge be still goin strong over on verganza...still full of porn and debauchery as ever!
We are a wee bit short on dat at de moment, ahn't we?
But this be 'The All New Playbilge'. It be far more high brow, with only 50% less debauchery than Playbilge.
I think ye be mistakin high brow with somfin else matey
Another casualty from de TEA wars:
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos_files/cup%20of%20tea.jpg)
I can't get capn rowan ta visit cause ye piks on 'em so fierce about 'is love 'o tea
play nicely like a good pirate so 'ell come visit-- :mrgreen:
There's only room fer WUN tea-lovin' pirate, an' thats me. Well, ter be fair, there should be room fer more'n wun, but Oi'm a big lad....
Quote from: Pachyderm on September 29, 2007, 06:43:03 PM
There's only room fer WUN tea-lovin' pirate, an' thats me. Well, ter be fair, there should be room fer more'n wun, but Oi'm a big lad....
Arrrgh, avast, shiver me timbers...the Tea Sickness has spread to the Monastry...
Tell us ye aven't come in ta contact with the Dread Rowan Rowboat matey!
Hide the grog!
Batten the hatches...tis worse than a Cap'n Cronan attack!
'An wear be Miss October? This publication be rubbish.
Arrrrgh...ye remember the feller I told ye about what were obsessed wiv a certain part o wench's bodies..he posted a Miss October on the Verganza Playbilge...I can copy it here if ye really wants!
It aint too bad actually...it was his other posts what got im into trubble.
Dave L has done much worse if ye arsks me! ;)
I believes the aformetioned Miss october photo is a fake-- a really big fake- if ye gets me drift.
Post if ye must.
Oh- speakin o pitures, I've jus come into persession of 'bout 3 or 5 pitures o Black Bart 'isself 'avin a cup o tea a mornin on 'is poop deck.
Biddin comences at 1500 hours at tha Benbow.
YArrrr...
Oi just posted Doris Bates up at TOP, she be a fine lass, capable of breeding and racin' many a good sheep.
Her prized sheep Alvira has been at the centre of a few doping scandals. She's hoping Alvira can win a few 1000 dubloon next year.
http://www.venganza.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2776&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=585
Arrrr...It be alroight fer an ozzy Pirate ta post pictures o sheep...but if a Welshman loik me does it, people will start talkin in whispers about wellies and leisure centres!
Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!! Ther be sheep..... an' sheep !!
an...sheep:
(http://farm1.static.flickr.com/111/293978472_b18685d80f.jpg)
Bart-- you are seriously disturbed.
Bart, yer need ter get a breedin programme goin' wiv the sheep pirates.....
(http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e284/Griffinit/sheep_pegleg.gif)
YArrrrrr...
Oh Dear, can someone please tell Bart he's bin werkin too hard. Yer need some time away from the farm matey ;D
Ye best not be goin near Alvira the Sheep, or Doris Bates for quite some time!
Blaggards...tis only a Piggy bank, er, Sheepy bank...
...tis a bit worryin where ye has ta put the cronans though!
I be worrin a bit 'bout ol Griffin now--- that peg leg sheepy bank is sure scary.
Aaaaaargh! but it were a foine taistey leg o' mutton ;)
YArrrrr...
Bart must be devastated that ye be eating his girlfriend.
His dismay would probably explain why he's been postin' pictures of Mr Blobby
over at TOP.
(http://wirelessdigest.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/blobby_1.jpg)
One day in the future when you people are on the nightly news I will remember this day and smile knowingly!
Poor Mr Blobby, 'is feet look freezin', they 'av terned purple. Wot 'as Bart dun to 'im?
You should have heard what The Black Spot said about the rod which appears to be supporting Blobby!
Looks like a purfectly servicable peg leg ter me. ;)
:whip: :censored:
YArrrr...
Oi think all that Mr Blobby talk is making AB use whips and censored symbols.
We might need an exorcism, or is that Blobby-cism?
Out vile Blobby out!!
Arrrrrrr...Tis the Admirable Benbow Quiz Nite tonite...ye've heard all about it from Griffin:
"Yes it is, no it isn't etc etc...meanwhile the team gets drunker an drunker...we never can understand why we keep losing!
The only good night was when, after arguin meself silly, gettin drunk and losing as usual, I went ome clutchin 6 bottles of 'Holy Grail ale'!
'Ow abowt a PlayBilge pic o' ye all tuckin' inter a plate o' Red Cowe !!
An excellent idea...I shall take me camera with me next time.
More pie landlord!
YArrrrr...
Oi want some Mr Blobby photos. Now Oi know why me childhood was incomplete. We never got that Blighter in Oz.
Although we did have Marty the Monster...
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/337034/marty_monster_v_kangaroo_lmfwao/
That last clip explains so much
so many things just fell into place
In USA all we had was Captain Kangaroo with the Mr. Moose hand puppet that always made a box of ping-pong balls fall on his head--- Oh and Mr. Green Jeans
come to think of it
that explains alot as well.....
I still chortle with laughter when I watch that video. Marty the Monster gettin mauled by that big kangaroo - lucky Marty doesn't have any Jatz crackers.
O heck, now Bart's gone and done it. He's posted Mr Blobby with a mullet over in the bad haircuts thread.
Behold the horror!!
http://www.venganza.org/forum/viewtopic.php?p=252539#252539
Arrrgggghhhh, 'tis the BAGPUSS that really bothers me.
We had to contend with Bagpuss, The Clangers, Zippy, Bungle, Blobby...no wonder we truned out weird! :o
Who rememebers "Danger Island" from "The Banana Splits Show"?
Pirates! Chongo! Slapstick Islanders! Isolated wild animal shots!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ql7dIIItdo&NR=1
*blank stare*
I remembers "Danger Bay", but that were different, except for the wild animals.
[youtube=425,350]q-m5J10e2Rg[/youtube]
YArrrrr...
That was awesome Aggie. It's nice to see the actors with enduring names, still high on the 'A list' (not). Oi haven't heard of any ofs 'em.
I'm having a flash-back now-- I think
I do remeber the Banana Splits-- in a sort of flashback fashion---- yes I do
Danger Bay as well
Quote from: DaveL on November 03, 2007, 07:27:17 AM
That was awesome Aggie. It's nice to see the actors with enduring names, still high on the 'A list' (not). Oi haven't heard of any ofs 'em.
Good ol' Canuckistani Public Television. Taught us to love animals and hug trees from a young age, that one did.... :D
Quote from: Opsanus tau on November 02, 2007, 06:44:58 PM
Who rememebers "Danger Island" from "The Banana Splits Show"?
Pirates! Chongo! Slapstick Islanders! Isolated wild animal shots!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ql7dIIItdo&NR=1
Arrrrrrrrr...Cap'n Cronan were still only 350 years old in them days!
" Danger Island !?! So that was what it was called...i remember a " Gilligan type sidekick ", there was aways a Banana Spllt story ( with a song ) and a chimp detective or someting with chimps in costumes ... Does anyone remember any cartoons from the show?
Oi 'as fownd ther perfect Pressie ter put in that Black Bart fella's Christmas under-sized sock
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51Z5TQPTR0L._SS500_.jpg)
Yaaaaaaaaaaargggghhh!!!!! Glow Colour Glitter Sheep @ amazon
Aaaaaaaaaaargh!!!! It be a roight shame wen yer sock be not big enuff fer the real thing !
'Ows abowt Playbilge get 'em in bulk ;)
Arrrrrr...I'll ave half a dozen packs...twill brighten up the lower decks no end!
I actually have the stars and moons in my bedroom already (not very piraty I know) but I like them.
Those sheep remind me of Sesame Street and the torture that Ernie used to put Bert through at bedtime. Like the one where Ernie is trying to count sheep and their baaing is keeping Bert awake so he tells Ernie to count something quiet so Ernie counts balloons- that get bigger and bigger and bigger until POP- and Bert (who has finally drifted off) is awakened and yells bloody murder! (why it the world do I remember this stuff but have no idea where my glasses are?)
They'll either be on yer head or ye've left em in The Admiral Benbow privvy again!
Aaaaaaaaaaargh!! Oi specs ther be lots o' glasses in that privvy !!!
Arrrgh...meself, The Black Spot, Cap'n Cronan and Green Cap'n Smith were at The Admiral Benbow quiz last night, sinkin a few tankards o grog...as usual, orrible sandwiches an we lost. I thinks we must be gluttons fer punishment.
None of us were wearin glasses, although I noticed the landlord wuz wearin a noice new pair.
yes and I tooks em back fum 'im--- idiot. 'e finks they makes 'im look smart....... Ha!
now I can see- and it's very frightening
btw- which o ye lot left ye wig under me bar? it looks like a drowned rat
If ye all remembered to put yer specs on yer feeble old eyeballs, ye'd be able ter see wot ther ovver teems were writin' - ye mite stand sum chance o' winnin ther quiz. Wiv less than wun brane cell between ye, ye needs ter develop yer tactics. Yaaaaaaaaaargggh! Tell them lads ter sharpen theyre act or Oi be forced owt me bed wun dark nite ter sort ye owt an' Oi ken tell ye now, that'll cost ye !!!!!!!!
Arrrrrrr...That landlord be an unscrupulous blaggard...he keeps sayin 'Marvelous' all the time an I be wonderin what he be so happy about...be he waterin down the grog or somat?
Oi belief' "marvellous" wer a word wot young un's used ter use bowt 2 decades ago - ruffly translates as "innit". Likely 'e jest be wantin' yer ter fink 'e be top brass.
Marvelous!
Marvelous-- pip pip and tally ho
Toodle Pip and lets go and Dilly Dally with Uncle John Cobbly.
Number one in a new Cap'n Cronan cartoon strip:
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos_files/cronan_strip1.jpg)
Number 2:
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos_files/The_crona_strip2.jpg)
That reminds me of someone I know.
The blaggards in Spain at the moment...sinking a few San Miguels instead!
Let's 'ope 'e sorts owt ther Spanish Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghda !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arrrgh...it were too late to save the Titanic:
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos_files/cronan_strip3.jpg)
SSDD!
always SSDD --- same old raiding, pillaging, mayhem, the overexposure of large cannons, way too much grog and ale, gratuitous innuendo, keelhauling, just the same old same old
wait........
SSDD ain't all that bad is it
all in favor raise ye peg legs and gimmie a hearty YYAARRR!!!!
Y'ARRGGGHHHH, it's the surprise stuff what buggers yuh.
Love the Cronan strips, Bartie.
The terrifying thing is I don't have to make them up...they're all based on true Cronan family events!!!!
Sometimes I think the Admiral Benbow will sink beneath us as we imbibe!
No the terrifying thing is, one is still alive despite it.
Another terrifying thing is that Miss January must be about due.
YArrrrr...
Oi didn't know that she was expecting. She looked awfully slim in the photoshoot. ;D
I'll see what I can come up with. ;)
MISS JANUARY
Name: Gertrude Racketycoo
Occupation: Professional Pigeon Impersonator
Likes: Hanging out on rooftops, finding my way home, eating birdseed, painting public statues white.
Dislikes: Tiddles, Birds of Prey, Competing against seagulls for chip wrappers
Where will you be in 5 years time: I've developed a cult following in the local park. The real pigeons love me. But hey, if the patrons keep throwing me bread, I'll be able to go on extended vacation.
Maybe one day I'll meet the bird of my dreams and settle down in a rooftop somewhere and breed like rabbits pigeons. Coooo...Coooo
(http://farm1.static.flickr.com/220/445275068_be9ae6cd73_o.jpg)
As I thought. Terrifying. Frightening the pigeons in the park (Lehrer).
Arrrrrr...it be the puckerin what does it.
I thought it was "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"?
A very speshal Playbilge anownecement...
PARROT SLAPPING
YArrrrr...
Have you ever felt the urge to lash out and try sumthin new? Wanna get a buzz without all the killing and maiming. Well why not try -
PARROT SLAPPING
* See your agressive tendencies subside in an instant, as you belt your fellow pirates around the head with your prized bird.
* Unleash the warrior within and the parrot without, as you swing your bird like he's never been swung before.
* Amaze your friends with some really cool manoeuvres including:
- The Beaker
- The Flapping Wing
- The Screaming Macaw
- The Parrot Pooper Attack
* Watch as your faithful Polly turns into a deadly weapon before your very eyes.
Here's what our new converts had to say about Parrot Slapping:
- I was a boring Midshipman, until I grabbed the Captain's Lorikeet and belted him over the head with it. Now (after serving 6 months in the brig) I be doing the professional circuit. Seaman Staines
- 'My parrot has never been happier. Last week he took out three humans with his parrot pooper manouver. He always eats lots of seed for that one! B.Cuzzen
'Can't wait for this Saturday's action. I've got a prized Cockatoo that will do more damage than last years storm off the coast.' O. Tau
So if it's action you search. Then why not go and grab one off the perch.
(http://www.hedweb.com/animimag/macaw.jpg)
ARE YOU TALKIN' TO ME PUNK? RAWRK!!!
Uuuurk...which bit does ye hang on to if ye be doin the Parrot Poop attack?
And if you wish to humiliate your enemies, use the now infamous "Polly Want A Cracker" manoeuvre, where your Parrot pal attempts to stuff a ship's biscuit in any available orifice.
Under no circumstances attempt Capt. Cronins sordid "Polly want a Nosebleed?" maneuver, unless you are properly armed, defended, bunkered, and already running like a poop deck...
Or indeed the ancient and deadly Cap'n Cronanmagnon hunter gatherer attack:
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos_files/cronan_magnon.jpg)
That pikter alreddy be syndicated ter annuvver publicashiun. Pays up BB, ye be cheetin.
An' Pachy, if ye fink that a mere pucker can poisen pidgeons ye be in a bad way.
Oi be werkin on me Polly Swoop Deck !!
It's ahll th' Stoo, see. Oi'm a luvverly, cuddly sort o' a Capting, ahll friendly loike an' ahll, but th' Stoo gets 'em from abaht 50 yards...
Oi 'erd Red Ken be interestid in that Stoo !!
It's th' only fing whut is more nauseatin' than 'e is. Gawd 'elp us if'n they is ever in th' same room....
Coming to a theatre near you...
PUPATING PRINCESS - THE MOVIE
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/ca/White_maggot.JPG)
Cue low toned authoratative sounding American voiceover man:
They said she'd never make it:
'Your maggot hasn't got a chance, just look at him all white and puny' (Captain Evans aka Brad Pitt)
Seaman Jake Bolger (aka Justin Timberlake) lands on board The Big Brenda and quickly learns that real pirate money is made on the quarterdeck racing maggots.
'5 dubloon on Magg-ician, 5 dubloon' (Seaman Watts aka Hugh Jackman)
In the cold hard world of maggot racing, one lowly swab is gonna show some tough old Pirates the meaning of success.
But with the odds stacked against him, only the help of a wise ole dog with an unatural love of fly larvae can help him get to the top.
'There's only one thing in this world to cling to and that thing is hope. Hope and horse droppings (Ole Mad Dog Moroney, aka Dustin Hoffman)
(http://dragonflypower.com/images/explosionimages/tachnid-maggot.jpg)
On the day the big race, there will be only one winner. Can that winner be Pupating Princess?
'Bzzzzzzz, bzzzzzzzz, bzzzzzzz' (Pupating Princesses Mum, aka A Blowfly)
Share in the magic, as one man and one maggot change the course of history.
Share in the hope as a man with bad sanitary habits, shows the world that underdogs (or underflys) too can rise to the top.
Share in the dream, share in the joy.
Pupating Princess - The Movie, coming to a theatre near you.
It looks like being a great week for Cinema lovers with the release of Roman Porkscratching's 'One Million Years BC'. The epic adventure set in CronanMagnon Europe stars Rachel Squelch and James T Cronan:
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos_files/cronan_welch.jpg)
What a Film! Beautifully captures ancient mans struggle against the odds. The dinosaur fights are truly authentic and Rachel's struggle to keep her bikini and make up in place are a tour de force.
The Daily Shmail
PS BC of course stands for 'Before Cronan.'
At last New Playbilge is worth reading.
Protesters gather outside Portsmouth's Cimema as controversial film "The Passion of St Cronan" is released:
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos_files/St_Cronan.jpg)
Directed by 'Mad' Ken Frussles, the film follows the life of controversial mediaeval Irish Poet St Cronan. St Cronan was infamous for his appalling verse and his bizarre sexuality. Very little of St Cronan's poetry has survived because he was killed by his own flock, allegedly burned on a pyre of his own poetry. However this short verse is attributed to him:
Through winter's storm
and summer's bounty
I am the only queer in the county
O'er blooming dale
and grassy hillage
I am the only gay in the village!
St Cronan is the patron Saint of Boy bands
Oh, Dear Deity of Choice!
I may never sleep again. The image haunts me, it is burned into my brain!!
That lazy S.O.B. of an editor 'as hasked me ter supply this months centrefold. 'e sez 'es too busy off at a Duckie Party or summat.
Seein' as Oi is a wench, Oi present ter yer all
Mr February
(http://images.lovehoney.co.uk/prodimages/700/13494.jpg)
Full story on Mr February (http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=13240), otherwise known as the I Rub My Duckie Travel Size Pirate Special Edition, will 'av yer oyes poppin' an' scare yer cabin boys - and don't forget ter wotch ther video of him in action !!
Lor Luv a Duck!
I was wonderin why me cabin boy spends so long in the bathroom wiv his rubber duckies!
Blimey this be a good year for films with Cap'n cronan in:
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos_files/Kronan_destroyer.jpg)
I hear the next movie 'e 'as in tha works 'll be
The Cronanator!
Good idea. ;D
Quote from: Black Bart on February 15, 2008, 03:02:31 PM
Good idea. ;D
so who you gonna cast in the Sarah Connor role? If you say Paris I will kill you myself.
PlayBilge in Association with R-Tel International presents an artist of world reknown...
Big Ron McGregor and The Incredible Wind Band present their 3rd and noisiest album:
Fruit Fruit Makes you go Toot!!
(http://www.soldiersperspective.us/images/August2005/peppermint_farts.jpg)
Hear the band crank out some of the most amazing sounds ever heard by human hearing.
Feel the breeze, as Big Ron has you checking your underpants more time than ye can ever remember!
Featuring Big Ron's new smash #1 'Our Bodily Moment', as heard on Greys Anatomy (during the colonoscopy).
Here's what the critics had to say about Big Ron's new offering:
'This album gives new meaning to the sayin "It stinks", as it really does' Kenny Barnacle, New Piratical Express
'Big Ron delivers his work with real power. In fact his bum is so powerful, it's an alternative energy source' Larry Roperot, R-TV
'That song turned me off Greys Anatomy and me dinner for weeks' Leonard Whipper, Greys Anatomy addict.
And if you download Big Ron's album off R-Tunes, we'll throw in a bonus sausage making kit, complete with Big Ron's favourite recipes.
Share the love...Share the gas...Buy Big Ron's new album today!
Aaarrrgh...I be too busy wiv me new Vibratin Duckie to listen ta music or watch movies!
'Cap'n, ye've been in the bath for a whole week now...the men are gettin restless!'
Aye, but tis 'ard ter keep ther water 'ot enuff !
Arrrrr...nice use of peppermints!
Quote from: DaveLArrrrr...nice use of peppermints!
Yarrr! It be one fing ter larf at yer own jokes (oi does it all t'toime. Oo else wood appreciate em as much as me?)
But it be a sad fing wen ye as ter compliment yer own PhotoShoppin! Wot koind uv pyrates be ye hangin out wif, so ter speak?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Oi'd loike ter point out that peppermint be a sovrin rememdy fer nausea, indigestion, flatoolence, dysenterrry, diarrrea, an hookworms. (It also be ooseful fer wot ails lady pyrates, on hocashun.) So that be a
bootiful poster, but hit be arrrtistic licence hinsted of scientifically accurrrate, loike.
Yarrr...
Me photoshops been down, since Oi upgraded me machine with Windows Vista. Oi need to spend more $$ on another photoshop version.
Now Oi'm reduced to doing links without layering (plus windows paint be really crappy fer graphics)
I giggle meself silly when Oi do mock adverts, particularly the music industry, as it be ripe for the picking, piratey style!
Exciting new Long Winded Paperback is book of the month:
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos_files/fist_fullo_cronans.jpg)
See long winded Tales for first instalment.
Dennis Weevily's pen moves more swiftly than than the glue on Walktheplank's Wig. Hot on the tail of his last novel comes this epic tale of adventure on the high seas. The Duke de Richbastid sails to a remote island in the Pacific where he encounters a lost tribe and a creature from the very pit of hell itself. This book has everything, human sacrifice, women in torn clothing, a big ship, treacherous seas, exotic locations and a truly massive goat:
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos%202_files/Devil_goat.jpg)
Don't read it on the train or people may laugh at you.
Bart,
Give Madame Fifi back her goat this instant! You know the reasons why matey.
Thank the Great Teapot you turned up DaveL. Bart has been posting all over the shop with no restraint. It's been a nightmare.
YArrrrgghh...
The blaggard be gettin all high brow with his Dennis Weevily novels.
I've just downloaded something like photoshop for free - so it's time to brush up of me graphics. It has an unfortunate name though.
http://www.gimp.org/
Quote from: Griffin NoName on September 16, 2008, 01:46:46 PM
Thank the Great Teapot you turned up DaveL. Bart has been posting all over the shop with no restraint. It's been a nightmare.
Arrrrrrr...everyone hignores me these days anyways...I been tellin everyone we're ALL DOOMED fer years...ye best read all o Dennis Weevily's novels afore it be too late!
BWA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAARRRGH!
Does ye think me hat's too big...now be honest...I wont be offended.
Quote from: Black Bart on September 18, 2008, 02:34:17 PM
Does ye think me hat's too big...now be honest...I wont be offended.
Oi' finks yer culd trim yer fur ;)
Oi' neerly mistook ye fer Nannook 'o the Nawf !
Yarrr, as they sais in Texas, "he be awl hat an no weevils."
Now I don't fink dem Texans have got any right go around accusin me of havin a big hat:
(http://www.karnival-house.co.uk/acatalog/28410sm.jpg)
Dave L (assisted by Big Brenda) makes early preparations for his annual assault on Santa:
(http://www.cirkus-dk.dk/billeder/Bonbon%2020040926%20h%20low.JPG)
Oi seez them 'as 'is an' 'ers lavatoories in case 'o h'axidents !
Rumour has it that the Somalian Pirates are bein led by this dodgy geezer:
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos%202_files/bart_somali.jpg)
Yarrr, oi 'opes as thee status wotch that 'leader' be warin bain't 'pyrated'...
Quote from: Black Bart on November 18, 2008, 03:12:19 PM
Dave L (assisted by Big Brenda) makes early preparations for his annual assault on Santa:
YArrr...
Bart thanks for the reminder matey. Does anyone have any spare anti-aircraft (sled)shells?
If he's learnt anything from the last 2 years, it's that he knows what's coming.
Quote from: Black Bart on November 25, 2008, 01:59:55 PM
Rumour has it that the Somalian Pirates are bein led by this dodgy geezer:
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos%202_files/bart_somali.jpg)
millions of years from now when the archaeologists of the day dig our remains from the ice they will encounter this and say
good thing they are all dead
(love the tooth detail btw)
Oh and for Dave L
it is officially the day after Thanksgiving and around my place that means
it is time to break out the Christmas Music-- so put on your dancing boots--
[youtube=425,350]yon2YuXssvo&feature[/youtube]
Quote from: anthrobabe on November 28, 2008, 06:44:40 AM
Quote from: Black Bart on November 25, 2008, 01:59:55 PM
Rumour has it that the Somalian Pirates are bein led by this dodgy geezer:
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos%202_files/bart_somali.jpg)
millions of years from now when the archaeologists of the day dig our remains from the ice they will encounter this and say
good thing they are all dead
(love the tooth detail btw)
Oh and for Dave L
it is officially the day after Thanksgiving and around my place that means
it is time to break out the Christmas Music-- so put on your dancing boots--
[youtube=425,350]yon2YuXssvo&feature[/youtube]
Wot tooth detail? I be takin after me dad:
(http://www.dougmacaulay.com/kingspud/photos/tthomas.jpg)
Aaarrrgh as promised...the Hexclusive Pirate Party photos...No1:
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos%202_files/Pirate_Party1.jpg)
Top Left: Black Bart's Treasure and The Necroplankecon (some o the treasure's been eaten).
Top Right: Black Bart, The Black Spot and Cap'n Cronan
Middle Left: Fish Head Stew
Middle Right: The effects of the Fish Head Stew
Bottom Left: The Black Spot takes a mouthfull o Fish Head (and regrets it)
Bottom Right: The excitement be too much for one buxom wench.
Pirate Party Photos No2:
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos%202_files/Pirate_Party2.jpg)
Top left: Ye Necroplankecon
Top Right: A fighting fit Bart attempts to hog the grog
Bottom Right: Happy crew members
Botton right: The Black Spot with his chopper
Aaaarrrrggghhhh! Yer all perfectly g'aaaarrrggggeous ta see! Makes me old heart proud. But the fish heads have me stomach grindin' a wee.
Looks like so much fun. Wish we coulda been there, Bartie ya old sea-stallion.
QuoteOh and for Dave L
it is officially the day after Thanksgiving and around my place that means
it is time to break out the Christmas Music-- so put on your dancing boots--
Oh my stars, Oi think I've just been trumped in the hideous TV character wars that thing be truly hideous, AB
Barty, the boys look like they had a ball. So glad Oi be 10,000 miles away from that stew, that looks ghastly!
Savage Chikkin be a roight foine comick strip.
'ere be a fayvrit:
(http://www.savagechickens.com/images/chickensprail.jpg)
Aaarrrgh I forgot there be an Alll new PlayBilge as well...thar be a back log o Girly picks ta post up...where's Dave L when ye needs im?
YArrrrr...
Do we have that many wimmen in New Portsmouth to do centrefolds?
Nah, those there are be all off playing Jello!
Now *there* be a hinterestin hartickle oidea fer ye, DaveL:
"Thee Wenches ov Jello Resslin"
This wood be wun ov them moor sereeyus hartickles, not wun ov them ye turns thee magggotzeen sydeweighs t'reede...
Aaarrgh whenever I look at those photos of thee Black Spot tryin to eat the Fish Head in me Pirate Party it makes me larf my ed orf! ;D
MISS JANUARY 2010
Name: Sirena Drake
Occupation: Pirate Mermaid, Model, Actress, Mixologist
Likes: "Chillin" with a cognac martini after a long day; being shaken, not stirred; gentleman pirates.
Dislikes: Ripple; Mad Dog 20/20; Buckfast Tonic.
Where will you be in 5 years time: Lounging in Baccarat Crystal stemware.
Miss Drake was discovered at Schwab's Oyster Bar, was quickly signed by IMG, and is currently under exclusive contract in the "Martini Mermaid" ad campaign. Criticized by some for her piercings and tattoos, she is much in demand for her edgy retro style, shell-like ears, and limpid pool eyes. Ms Drake has rescued several pilot fish from a local shelter, which accompany her on all outings. An outspoken PETA [Pirates for Ethical Treatment of Aquariums] activist, she has done several PSAs urging fans to neuter their finned and suckered friends, and not patronize unscrupulous dugong mills.
Although rumored to be an item with Captain Cronan, Ms Drake has also been seen on the arms, hooks and tentacles of many high-profile gentlemen pirates around Portsmouth. Fans will be excited to learn that Ms Drake will be in Portsmouth this summer for the filming of Steven Eelburg's upcoming project, Ghost in the Shell.
(http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh27/pieces_o_nine/Mermaid-Martini.gif)
Aaargh! Oi nivver goes near Schwab's Oyster Bar mesel'. These dratted mermaids do get abowt.
Cap'n Treadmill bar Stoole
Assoc. Support Ethnic Mermaid Try EVerything Cleansing (SEMTEC)
YArrrr...
Nice tail!!
Yarr I wouldn't mind de-scaling that Dave!
Does Dave need de-scaling?
Time for a new playgirl? I suggest this stunning beauty:
(http://rimafauzi.com/blogs/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/ugly-girl-201x300.jpg)
This must be the worst magazine in the World.
Oi'm not sure, oi saw a leter to the 'Heconomist frum a prisner thankin' em for not puttin pitchers of scantily clad wenches in it, so's the guards'd allow it to be red in the brig. That must be the worst magasine ever, if ye's allowed to read it as punishment!
(http://wapsisquare.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/pirate-gal-04.jpg)
She appears to have two legs. They are making amazing progress with prosthetics.
Oi be amazed at thee bouyancy ov 'er bosom. 'Ow duz she keepe 'em hup near thee clavicles loike that?
Oi imagines that her bodice be made of a very strong material.
Must look into finding some of that, meself...