Cap'ns Blog Uno-9-76
Yaaaar!! Oi's filled me first log book so Oi's started a new one an Oi's called it B seein as me other one was A. Oi opes I don't fill this one too quick as Oi's not sure what Oi'd call the next one.
The nites be drawin in an Oi ad ter light me ship's candles during daytime. The cost of candle's gon up sumthing rotten an Oi not be best pleesed. Oi as ter take on extra crew too ter relite em as every time wind gets up they blows out - it be a full time job keepin em burning. It be a terrible drain on me treesure chest an sometimes I wonder wevver it be werf keepin the deck lit just ter avoid all me crew bumpin inter each ovver in the dark.
Capn's Blog 11.10.76
Shore Leave agin. Most o the crew disperse to visit their relatives in the clink. I finds me way to an old tavern by the name o 'Le Vache Rouge'. Used ta be called 'The Red Cow' but it's turned into a Gastropub and gone all froggy. I skulks in a dark corner eatin me Tarte au Pomme de Terre avec le boeuf grissle. Suddenly, in between me frantic chewin, I overhears a familiar froggy voice in the next cubby hole...it be dastardly Captaine Lafitte plottin to poison me Fish Head Stew supply! My hand reached fer me cutlass, but then I remembered I was already usin it to cut up me meat...belay that I thought, I needs ta use cunnin here. I left the tavern disguised as a French Waitress...Dave L's a handy chap to know when it comes to dressin up in wench's garb!
The Yar 1706
YArrrrr...
Th Admiral Benbow is indeed a foine establishment. Me an the lads have bin takin the trappist beers with great delight.
After a few rounds, Saucy Gert introduced us to a fine pastime known as KArrrrrr-e-oke. We wuz singing a whole heap of hits from the 80's (1680's) O'id conveniently forgotten. Some of the songs the lads were beltin out included...
Eye of the Pirate - Surviv-arr
Take on me - Argggh Ha
Sweet Wench of Mine - Cannons and Roses
YArrrr..O'im going home to see if Oi can find me spandex gear. It's toime fer a revival...YArrrrr...
Capn's log Yarr date 17.11.70 (that be an Elton John album!)
YYAARRR I swaggered into the Admiral Benbow saying:
Ahoy me hearties how be they hangin?
I forgot I was still wearin me French Waitress outfit!!!!!
It be hard runnin for yer life with a skirt on!
Arrr, that were you were it?
I remembers suppin me grog when I sees a right rough lookin' tart bein' chased out the door by a dozen o' me crew.
I hears that half o' them were screamin' fer their money back.
Capn's Blog Supplemental
YYYAAARRRRGH...luckily fer me the sex starved marauders caught up with Old Blind Mary the Fishmonger's crippled one legged mother...she was just behind me as I made a desperate lunge for me ship's gang plank!
YYYAARRRR...that Capn Lafitte will pay for this with his Frog's legs!!!
Bin confined ter me cabin all day wiv only an old copy of What Ter Do On Long Journeys. Ther dont be much they rekkon ye can do on yer own, wot wiv me crew busy on deck, but Oi ad sum fun wiv one or two ideas.
Capn's Blog Supplementary
Note to oneself:
Never, Ever enter 'The Admiral Benbow' dressed as a French Maid...
That sounds far too much loik innuendo...
Never go in to the drinking hestablishment named arter the esteemed Admiral Henry Fitzroy Benbow, dressed in a French Maid's attire!
YArrrr...
There be nuthin wrong with wearin me pink dress in there though. Oi hear Saucy Gert quite likes a bit of colour in the ole place.
ARRRRR, but ave ye entered the Admiral wearin it?!!! ::)
YArrrr...
Not likely. O hang there was this one time...YArrr.. never mind. :-[
Cap'ns Log 06-10-33
Truble wiv me wind-power. Becalmed in the English Channel. Sent First Mate off in the row boat to stop all em ovver ships pilin up be'ind us in the shippin lane. Not seen im since. It be nightfall soon. Oi rekkon e's jumped ship.
Capn's Blog Haloween
Gulp...it be haloween and I be skulkin in me cabin. Last year the ghost o Capn Cronan appeared and demanded grog or he threatened to curse me ship!!!!
Luckily we'd just been to Antwerp and were carryin a cargo of Belgian beer and chocolate. We gave Cronan the beer, all 20 gallons of it. Half an hour later, on the stroke o midnight the blaggard came back belchin loik Hercule Poirot and demandin the chocolate! It be toim fer an Exorcism!
YArrr Date 10.11.1706
There be nuthin werse than wunderin'if Black Spot and Tansy are gonna take part in this years 'Yuletide Festivities'ie Blowin the crap out of Santa, midair.
Oi know that 3 billion children may want our 'guts for garters' but the thought of seein a big chubby bloke hit the water is worth the 400mm contraband ammunition Oi payed a dodgy weapons manufacturer from Transnistria.
Oi can't wait ;D ;D ;D
Capn's Blog yarr date: 10.11.76
YYAARRR in preparation fer the annual attempt to rid the world of Santa I be stirring up me crew fer action. As any good sea capn knows preparation be the secret to a successful raid. I has planned a full scale naval excersise, a dummy run fer the real thing. What we needs is a target and I suggests any o the followin:
Scumsoft Elpdesk Headquarters
Inland Revenue Headquarters
Des O Connor
The only problem be how do we get em afloat?
Rovaniemi 4.12.06
Me scoutin' team hidin' out in the Arctic Circle has spied a great deal of activity. Elves buzzin' here, dwarves running there.
Saw Santas sled bein' fitted with anti-aircraft missile decoy flares and 4 x 500kg bombs wif special messages for Bart, DaveL, Spot and Tansy written as follows:
Dear - - - -
Please find attached a little something special for the Festive Season.
Merry Christmas!
Love Santa
YArrr...after all we've done to him, he still thinks of us. How sweet!
Capn's Yuletide Log 4/12/76
Spotted Dave L's Scoutin Party staggerin drunkenly accross the icy Lapland Wilderness...shoutin 'Where's beardy and his Red Nosed pal?' Stupid Bastids nearly blew me cover when one o the clots called over:
'I'm sure that Reindeer looks loik Black Bart!'
Four days into me secret hoperation and I be blendin in with the others well. I be gettin a bit sick o the oats and hay (especially as I suffers from Hay fever!), and a problem be developin with the reindeer behind me, Blitzen...he's taken a fancy to me rear end and I be dreadin the long flight to Europe!
15.12.06
Sydney Headlands AA Battery - Progress Report
1. Radar Operational - CHECK
2. 'Big Brenda' Super Gun Operational - CHECK
3. Copious 450mm Ammunition Supplies - CHECK
4. Supplementary Bomb Shelter (in case he fires back) - CHECK
5. Rescue Boat - UNCHECK
6. Life Saving Equipment - UNCHECK
7. Reindeer Resuscitation Gear - UNCHECK
Come on Big Boy!! If yer survive yer journey across the North Pole, 'The Big Brenda' will be waiting for yer.
See yer on the 24th December, Chubby Chops.
Love
Capn DaveL
Capn's Yuletide Log 15/12/76
YYYAAARRRR I has pumped Santas Sleigh full of condensed Fishe Heade Stewe. In it's frozen state the Stewe will remain armless, but as he flies into the warmer air above Europe...BOOOOOM!
I will have pulled me quick release harness long before that, twill be a surprise fer the other reindeers, especially that Red Nosed bugger.
Should Santa somehow survive the detonation twill be over to Dave L.
Plow the skies with guns and rockets - Falalalalalalal-arrgghh
Santa will get blown out of his socket - Falalalalalalalarrgghh
On the 24th of December - Falalalalalalalarghh
Pirates will give 'im a night to remember - Falalalalalalalarrrghh
Gave me first lot of xmas gifts ter me crew. They be complainin it be a bit early but now Oi can re-use ther gift wraps fer me second load o gifts.
Capn's Xmas Log 19/12/06
Twere me birthday yesterday (true - 25 agin) and the crew all clubbed together ta give me a celebration. I enjoyed it all in all, but arter about alf an hour me arms started to ache what with pointin me heavy pistols at em!
Arrived at Chrissmus Island terday after a long and stormy passage. It be stripped o Chrissmus trees. Shockin. Me first mate be checkin awt the Travel Inn as ther dont seem to be much else goin on. It be dead quiet an no sign of any festivities. Yer can't rely on anything these days.
Capn's Post Yuletide Log 28/12/76
Did we get the hairy brute this toim?
24.12.06
Location: Sydney Headlands, Coastal Anti-aircraft battery.
Notes: (yarrr, the toimes are slightly 'out of whack' due to me festive celebrashuns)
1800: Skies all clear, word from Black Bart - fishhead stew, administered successfully. Heading for Europe.
Open a nice bottle of rum.
1830: News: Black Spot's galleon engages Santa over Portsmouth. Several escort sleighs are downed in the English channel. Santa alters course for Canada.
Time for some egg nog.
1930: News: Tansy and Agujim engage Santa in a Pirate sleigh, towed by drunken varmints. The effects of the stew are noted. Santa's sleigh wobbling frantically.
Tansy has trouble taking aim, instead taking Prancer and Blitzen out.
Time for the Xmas turkey and heavy pudding.
2200: Notes: Radar picks up Santa over Australian East coast. Adjust picture to fit the 'blip'on the screen. Anyone for Guiness?
2230 zzzzzzzz '...all is calm, all is bright'...zzzzzz...hic..hic
2245 Radar blips are going beserk, spotted the bugger!! Several elves begin dive bombing and we hit the deck. Flotilla engages, several elves downed.
2250 In a drunken stupor Oi fired the Big Brenda at sumthin' yellin 'Yohoho, your toast DaveL'...
Suddenly there is silence...
2255 Santa not spotted by Bluenose in Melbourne. Time for a fizzy vitamin B.
0000 zzzzzzzzzzzz...hic...zzzzzzzz...burp...zzzzzzz.
Capn's Post Yule Tide Grog 4/1/77
Note to myself:
Don't let Gunner (formerly chief engineer) Scotty mix the condensed Fishe Head Stew concentrate next toim!
Note to ship's carpenter:
New peg leg needed sharpish!
Note to ship's cook:
Venison for supper again.
Capn's Log Supplemental 16/1/77
Written by Bosun as Capn be indisposed
The Capn has locked himself in his Cabin. No, no, the cabin boy's not in there with him, it be that darn Scumsoft computer! He's given orders not to disturb him till he's beaten Spot's score on snake! Thar be strange noises emergin from the porthole...Capn's got someone in thar with him tho...sounds like... Homer Simpson?
"Doh, Doh, Doh, Doh, Doh..."
From the Log of Capn' Calico Jack from the Summer of 69
Location off Cornwall near the Sicily Isles
"Many years ago we had to take refuge from Storm Force Winds in the harbour of a remote island. I sent a landing party aboard to get provisions and wipe out the local population, they never returned.
I sent another party ashore the following dawn leaving me alone on me ship. All that night all I heard was the sound of the wind but then something more sinister. Howling wretched screams, it were the sound of men being tortured.
What was I ter to, in the end I took me last dinghy and sailed ter shore. Of me men there was no sign except for a message scrawled in the sand.
YE MEN ALL BE DEAD,THIS BE THE SECRET ABODE O THE PIRATE YE KNOW AS CRONAN. GO NOW AND WARN ALL SEAFARERS TER STAY AWAY.
Then the incoming tide washed away the message an I jumped on me dinghy an escaped back to me ship. As soon as the winds dropped I was away from that ghostly place and back to civilisation.
This be a warning to ye all, whatever yer do stay away from the Sicily's an especially from the Beast known as Cronan"
Capn's Log Supplemental 16/1/77
Written by Bosun as Capn be still indisposed!
Capn, Capn...Ye ship has run aground on some god foraken shore of Cornwall. Ye know what appened the last toim we came to Cornwall...Capn, Capn!
I puts me ear to the door o the Capn's cabin but all I could hear was: 'Doh, Doh, Doh...YYYYAAARRRGH, drat these snakes me up arrow key's fallen off again!
YArrrr...
Oi haven't bin arounds much. O'ive been gettin me prized maggot ready for the big race - The Grand Wriggler.
Every mornin' me and me prized maggot 'Pupatin' Princess ''aves bin up at the crack of dawn. Then it's off to the gymnasium, where Oi put me PP through a torturous weights session.
Then it's off for a run along the beach 'Hup Two Hup Two' (cue music from Rocky)....
Then Oi takes her down to the sports pyschologist, who puts her through a number of visualisation sessions.
'Picture yourself wriggling across the finish line...'
YArrrr...the world of championship maggot racing is a very competitive business.
Now if only Oi could stop her from turnin' into a blow fly...
YArrr!
Capn's Log Supplemental 30/1/1777
Yarr, ye neede ter install an egg-nishner inter yer ship ter keep th' tempratchure down. That will stop ye maggots from ternin into blowies.
Capn's Blog Astroid Date 2/2/77
YYYAARRRGH...Bleedin first mate let a sawbones in to assess me health arter I spent two months solid tryin to beat the frogger Score. He looked orrified when he saw me hunched over me Scumsoft G5 thrashin the arse of me cabin boy who was workin the controls, blisters on all his fingers, eyes bloodshot, emaciated...
Sawbones demanded I give the lad some rest...I reluctantly agreed so he be back on Fishe Stewe tastin duty till he recovers his health!
Capn's Blog YARR date 8.2.77
YYYAARRRGH...I be sailin around the Western shores of the Isle of Wight when the lookout spotted the flag o the Black Spot (a Skull and cross bones with a big black pistol hole in the forehead!) flutterin ahead. As we passed close by we hobserved Capn Black Spot merrily Keel haulin some of his crew and shoutin out: "Cast me adrift would ye mutinous blaggards!"
I turns to me first mate and sais: "Must be his birthday again, he loikes a good keel haulin on his birthday!"
Capn's Log Supplimental
Gah! I turns me back fer a couple o' days an' I can't find nuffink. It's all bin moved about. Still some things never change - Bart's still puttin' the hours in at the Arcade, an' DaveL still be top o' the Simon game. Mind you, I thinks DaveL's score will still be top when hell freezes over.
Capn's Log Nocturnal
Oi bin wunderin if DaveL is really Simon maskeradin under a false moniker.
Capn's Log Yarr date 21.2.77
Thar I was reclinin on deck, glass o rum punch in me hand, dusky wench massagin me forelock, baskin in the glow o Arcade domination...
Suddenly, the look out cries: The Black Spot's flyin out a message in semaphore:
"Hingland hexpects Bla Bla Bla...Beat yer Simon Score Harr Harr Harr..."
Staggered I grabbed me eyeglass and gazed upon the rampant ship. The Black Spot's crew all lyin about in a deathlike swoon, gibberin loonatics, poor baskets, the men all painted from head to foot in either red, green, blue or yellow paint...
I did not think even he could be this cruel!
....
Right men get the Dulux out, we've got a challenge on our ands!
Ye Chronicle of Sir Bartalot
Part One: Ye Mornin arter ye Knight before...
Sir Bartalot hath returned from his highly successful Quest to find the Holy Grail...it wasn't difficult, there were 6 of them and they camest in the post!
Bartalot: <Groans> verily mine head durst throbeth...I have a strange memory of Golden Haired maidens floating down to me with a shining cup...no hang oneth, verily it was a shining tray with...Oh no, not 6 bottles...6 bottles of Holy Grail Ale and a Valiant Vindaloo!
Sir Bartalot's page appears at the chamber door...
Page: Morning Sire, whilst thow be questing today?
Bartalot: Clearest off ye little Tike and telleth the minstrels to blow offeth somewhere else...OOOOHHH My head doth spliteth in twain!
Page: Shall I tell the Princess Brendallavere to give you a rub down sire?
Bartalot: HMMMMMMMMM...That soundeth good, but pray tell her not to sing rugby songs like she usually does! Now go and fetcheth the chilled toilet tissue...
:drunk: :ROFL:
:beer: :oops: Five grails too many perhaps :halo:
YArrrr date 1707.
Place: Portsmouth Art Gallery
Event: The Masters of Portsmouth
YArrr, wots the world comin to? All these hoity toity types in black skivvies lining up 3-deep to view summit Oi can barely comprehend. A squiggle here, a line there, is it really because these arty types arn't getting enough 'in-the sheets' action at night?
If these blokies just spent more time down at Fifi's they wouldn't need to excise all their frustrations with a piece of canvass. Except Tolouse Lautrec of course, who really did hang out at a place like that.
Yarrr, you can gives me a copy of PlayBilge any time. Now that's art! And it doesn't have one thing to do whatsoever wif being deprived of any 'horizontal folk dancin'. No sir! No not a bit....
Not one single bit. None at all....Ok, Oi can see you don't believes me...but yewl just haves to trust me.
Yes me, a life time susbscriber...YArrrr...Oi think Oi'll just go and stand over here now...
Capn's Log: Yarrr Date 30/4/1707
I were walkin' along the street this mornin' swiggin' back a bottle of Captain's Delight, when everything starts movin' about like. Well I knows what's comin' next, so I runs into the nearest building (the art gallery) lookin' for a khazi. Needless to say, I didn't find one, an the old Captain's Delight worked its usual stuff an' I launched a high-powered high-pressure chunder all over this big paintin' on the wall.
Bumped into Cap'n DaveL later. 'Ee said loads o'them arty types were studyin' it an' marvellin' over the "dazzlin' use o' textures" an' the "subtle nuances o' colour".
I think I may 'ave found a new racket.
YYYYAAARRRRRR...That be an absolute load o Pollocks!
Ye stupid Constable.
Capn's Blog Yarr date 25.5.76
BBBBRRRRRRRRRRRR...tis freezin!
AAARRRRGGHHBERG 101 hidin amongst a flotilla of icebergs just off Greenland. The men are gettin fed up of wearin the penguin outfits...four of em ave been killed and roasted by hungry esquimos...ye just can't get the staff these days!
Main drawback of the 101 is it's tendancy to stand out against a background of palm trees and windsurfers! Come to think of it ye don't get many icebergs in Portsmouth either...AAAARRRGH, will I ever set foot in blighty again?
Head over to Hans Island, matey - there's a bottle o' brandy there for ye's, but mind you leave the whiskey alone.
Or p'raps we should just send Cap'n NoName to devour the Danish.
Cap'n's Log 5.25.76
Munch, munch, munch, munch...... burp!
Capn's Blog 5.6.76
AAARRRRR...I never thought I'd see such foul canabalism on the high seas...or on the low seas for that matter. Luckily the ship's chef is Swedish or we'd have had a Scandanavian riot on our hands.
YYYAARRRR...if that Capn NoName eats the Danish for breakfast...what hope for the Norwegians at lunch time! There's only one way to stop this crazed canabal...maroon im on the island of IKEA!
Capn's blog 55a.6.76
Oled up in ospital wiv sum kind o blokkage in me gut. They be thretenein ter take the nife ter it but Oi wont sine ther stupid form givin permissiun as ther idea of a nife be pathetic. Me ships cook culd show em a real nife Yaaaaaaaaar!!
Capn's Blog 8.6.Virtual 76
Here be a lovely shot of me Virtual Aaaaaaarrrgh 9000 sailin serenely passed an island in Second Life. She be cabable of a virtual 4 cannon broadside and could sink another virtual ship...if I could find the blaggard!
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos_files/Myship1.jpg)
Capn's Blog
Oi joyned 2ndlife a few days ago. Oi be orrified to ear ther be pirates ther alredy. Oi fought it'd be an eezy targit. Oi'm goner sulk in me cabin fer a munth.
this wer fown in a bottle - the date be washhed awf
Capn's Virtual Blog 11/6/76
YYYAAARRR thar be pirates allright...well I've yet to meet any other than meself actually. But I did meet this rather fetchin Octopus t'other day:
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos_files/octopus.jpg)
Cap's Blog yarr date 19.10.76
Arrrrrrr, tis a while since I dropped a blog...the Fish Head Stew ran out an we were forced to eat Roasted Bilge Rat again.
Secret Blog of a Call Cap'n Arrrr! Date 19.100.00003
Locked in me cabin agenn. 'Em cabin boys fink it be funny. They be larfin' out t'other soide o' theyre faces if'n 'em new Oi got me cell fone in there. 'Ad a roight foine nite fanks ter Peter Serafinowicz's Pirate Chat - Aaaaaarr!! Oi ken talk dirty fer anywun. Luvvin' it !! Oi jest 'av ter say me peg leg's comin' awf an' ther punters be putty in me 'and. Er, 'ook.
Off Blog Aside:
I saw that Peter Serafinowicz sketch...hilarious and a good idea for a thread perhaps...Pirates talkin dirty...Dave L will love it!
Alo deer dyawee
taday b in da sprin tyme
I am will have a koncert in da Benbow.
Amisshun b wun shiny pebbel anna buttin
if ye et bigg buttin ye git free popkorn .
I'll hava ticket iff ye takes reqwests !
30-05-1609
Yarrrgh, oi 'as re kwested me fayverit shanty by Poco, but oi 'as yet t'ear Lil NefYoo standin an delivverin. Oi remaynes diserpoyntid.
Jus a minit dyawee !
I stull tryn ta figger wot et B .
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
ummmmmm
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
i stull finking bowt tha song ???
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
dunt tell me !
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Oi kin sees wye ye aint guest hit; yer onlee yooman...
Can someone get me off this R-Box 360. Oi can't stop playing Grand Theft Galleon IV. Oi just won meself a new 'Arggghh 9010' and it's a killer with the cyber wenches!
If me missus catches me playing anymore, there's a storm comin'...yarrrr and I don't mean bad weather.
Aaargh Year 1784 Aaaargh.
Put the Curse o' Cronan on DaveL's R-Box 360 aaaaaargh.
Year 1678...3 years later
My hooks are startin to wear out...bin playin Grand Theft Galleon IV non stop for years.
Need to attempt a bankrobbery mission armed with a broken bottle and a bread knife. This is game is gettin tuffer by the month.
Log Year 1672
Oi be rakin' it in from a new versiun o' a game wot Oi h'invented - Grand Theft Galleon V.