Redneck Jokes.

[The Meromorph]

Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks

Dining Out
1.   When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2.   If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
Entertaining In Your Home
1.   A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.   Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
1.   While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2.   Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
3.   However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
4.   Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (Outside the Family)
1.   Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.   Be aggressive.  Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3.   Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday."  If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theatre Etiquette
1.   Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2.   Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings
1.   Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.   Kissing the bride for longer than 5 seconds can get you shot.
3.   For the groom, at least, rent a tux.  A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4.   Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1.   Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.   When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3.   Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.   When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.   Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Tips For All Occasions
1.   Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.   Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3.   It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4.   If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.   Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

[The Meromorph]

A Redneck Valentine

Kudzu is green,
my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
I'm plumb outta my wits.
Still them fellers at work
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles
And stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no fire ant
Upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old
Like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
it's a new trollin' motor.