Simple Jokes Thread

[Aggie]

'The Obedient Wife' 
   
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
     
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
     
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
     
Well, he died and was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!' 

     
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
     
'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
     
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him' 

     
' Do you mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?' 

     
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about two seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

[anthrobabe]

In honor of Bob and that last one which was very funny.....
and as today it will be about 85 degrees with 1million percent humidity here in AR we will be turning on the AC and what would we do without them HVAC people we all biotch and moan about.......



The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary.
Since the man was a fundamental Baptist, he thought it'd be funny to try and mess with the lady's mind. In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered."
The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!"
Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"
The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"

[anthrobabe]

Funeral !

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband`s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn`t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he`s wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn`t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads."

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

A maid asks her boss for a pay increase.

Her boss was annoyed at this and asked, 'So you want a pay raise. Why do you think you deserve one?'

Maid: 'Well, ma'am, there are three reasons... The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maid: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maid: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maid: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maid: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maid: 'No ma'am, the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'



.

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

A physicist often visited a local ice cream store-- it had a nice bar, where one could order ice cream treats, and enjoy.

Anyway, the physicist always ordered two of whatever it was he was eating that night-- one to eat, and one to put in front of the empty stool next to him.

After weeks of this, the ice cream vendor got up the nerve to ask him why he ordered two, ate one but not the other.

The physicist replied: "According to the rules of Quantum Mechanics, there is a distinct possibility that a beautiful woman will spontaneously appear on the stool next to me, and seeing the delicious treat, I'm hoping she will be grateful and fall in love with me."

"I see," replied the vendor. "Why not just buy an ice cream for one of the single women in the store? Maybe one of them will thereby fall in love with you..."

To which the physicist replies, "What are the odds of that happening?"

[Griffin NoName]

If you receive an email about Swine Flu which warns you not to eat pork, ignore it. It is spam.

[Earthling]

Two fish in a tank. The first one looks at the scond one and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

[Pachyderm]

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

[anthrobabe]

And here's your how to on that camo lap top!

http://www.instructables.com/id/High_Tech_Pine_Needle_Camo_Painted_LapTop_Computer/

[Griffin NoName]

From the Simon Hoggart column in the Guardian:

Chap goes to the vet with his budgie, which he fears is dead.

The vet says he can't be sure and needs further tests. In comes his dog, a labrador, who sniffs and licks the bird, then shakes his head. Next the vet brings in a cat, who looks at it, then slinks morosely away. "I'm afraid your budgie is definitely dead," says the vet. "That will be £1,010."

"What?" says the owner. "More than a grand to tell me my budgie is dead?"

"'Fraid so," says the vet. "Normally it would be a tenner, but then you had the lab report and the cat scan."

[Swatopluk]

What does the racist tree ask his neighbour?
You aren't a Yew, are you?

[Earthling]

Two fish are swimming along, and the swim right into a concrete wall. One fish looks over at the other one and says, "Dam!"

[Swatopluk]

What's Spanish for violin case (Was heißt Geigenkasten auf Spanisch)?
Fidel Castro

[Aggie]

A maid asks her boss for a pay increase.....

Reminds me of another joke.

A rich man takes his 18-year old son to the doctor's office.

Man: 'Doctor, my son needs treatment for the clap.  I think he caught it from the maid.'

Doctor: 'Not a problem, I can prescribe something for that.'

Man: 'There's another problem...  I think I caught it from her as well.'

Doctor: 'Not a problem, I can prescribe you some as well.'

Man: 'There's a bigger problem...  I think I passed it to my wife.'

Doctor: 'Damn! Now we've all got it.'