Simple Jokes Thread

[Swatopluk]

Granny told me not to go to certain places of ill repute because I'd see things there I was not supposed to see. But I nonetheless went there

And what did you see?

Granny

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

LOL!  Well, naturally. 

[pieces o nine]

^^   

[Sibling DavidH]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an  Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk,
a German, an Indian, several  Americans (including a Hawaiian and an
Alaskan), an Argentinean, a  Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an
Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan,  a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a
Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a  Colombian, a Pakistani, a
Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a  Pole, a Lithuanian, a
Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman  Islander, a Ugandan, a
Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an  Icelander, a Mexican, a
Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an  Israeli, a Venezuelan,
an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a  Syrian, a Brazilian,
a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, aHungarian, a Canadian, a
Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a
Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an  Armenian, an Aruban, an
Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a  Virgin Islander, a Georgian,
a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a  Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a
Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a  Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino,
a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a
Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a  Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an
Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a posh  restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group,
"You can't come in here without a Thai. "

[Swatopluk]

Reagan, Thatcher and Kohl were driving in a car together.
They crash.
Thatcher: I am so sorry
Reagan: I a sorry too
Kohl: I am sorry three

(Helmut Kohl's lack of English was a running gag at the time)

[Sibling DavidH]

Ha!  Swato is heavy on wire today

[Swatopluk]

Kohl is on a state visit to Africa and visits a Safari park.
He spots a lion. 'What a nice Dang Eru"
He spots a crocodile. 'Look, another Dang Eru'
He spots an elephant 'The best Dang Eru yet'
His guide asks him what he is talking about.
'Didn't you see the sign? ALL ANIMALS ARE DANGEROUS'

[Griffin NoName]

......................., a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a posh  restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group,
"You can't come in here without a Thai. "

[Sibling DavidH]

God and the Harley Rider  

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for such a worldly thing. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help all of mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?  

[pieces o nine]

Too bad the Harley rider didn't follow the Mother instead of the Father.     

[Sibling DavidH]

A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.  I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.  I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man.  I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking brick wall."

[Griffin NoName]

 

[pieces o nine]

^^   :sad but appreciative smiley:

[Sibling DavidH]

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

He calls home.

'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

[Aggie]