Simple Jokes Thread

[pieces o nine]

 

[Opsa]

So, there's an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Jew sitting on a bench. The Englishman says, "I'm tired and thristy. I think I could do with a beer". The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty too. I think I need some wine." The Jew says "I'm tired and thirsty. I think I have Diabetes".

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

A woman wanted something different for a pet, yet she wished to rescue an animal in need.

So she went to the local animal rescue shelter, and they had just rescued a parrot-- one what talked.

And talked and talked and talked.

That would be all well and good-- the woman did not mind a talker.  The problem was, the parrot also had a rather "colorful" vocabulary, one laced with 4 letter words and worse.  It seemed the parrot's previous life was in a mechanic's shop, where swearing was routine.

So she went to the local vet, to get advice-- he suggested that since parrots hated the cold, every time the parrot swore, she should put it in the freezer for a bit.  Soon enough, the bird'd get the message.

She went directly home to give it a try: once the parrot swore, the woman took his cage, & plopped it into the freezer for 5 minutes.

*ding*

After the timer went off, she went to take the parrot out.  And this is what it said:  "Ma'am, I promise never to swear again.  And might I ask, what it was the chicken did?"

[Opsa]

Fast learner!

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

From an actual sign posted on the door to the stairs:

Please, when using the stairs
Stay to the Right when going Up
stay to the Left when going down
This will keep people from
running in to each other.

wait.... what?

[Swatopluk]

My wife has jaundice and a very broad mouth. She can't go near a post offce without getting fed with letters.
(German letterboxes are traditionally yellow)
My dog has no legs and also no name. Why should he since he does not come anyway when called?

[Sibling DavidH]

From an actual sign posted on the door to the stairs:

Please, when using the stairs
Stay to the Right when going Up
stay to the Left when going down
This will keep people from
running in to each other.

wait.... what?

I actually worked in a school where that was the rule for a long time.  Then one day the headmaster, who as usual was pacing nervously up and down like a cross between Groucho Marx and Max Wall, dramatically clapped a hand to his forehead and cried, "My God!"

"What's wrong, Tony?"

"The stairs, the stairs!"

"What about the stairs, Tony?"

"If the children stick to the right going up and the left going down, they'll all be on the same side!"

Not one of us had spotted it before - including the kids, seemingly.

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

From an actual sign posted on the door to the stairs:

Please, when using the stairs
Stay to the Right when going Up
stay to the Left when going down
This will keep people from
running in to each other.

wait.... what?

I actually worked in a school where that was the rule for a long time.  Then one day the headmaster, who as usual was pacing nervously up and down like a cross between Groucho Marx and Max Wall, dramatically clapped a hand to his forehead and cried, "My God!"

"What's wrong, Tony?"

"The stairs, the stairs!"

"What about the stairs, Tony?"

"If the children stick to the right going up and the left going down, they'll all be on the same side!"

Not one of us had spotted it before - including the kids, seemingly.

It's all about your frame of reference:  if you were looking down at the stairs from above, as in a map or drawing, with the stairs oriented bottom at the bottom of the page, and going up towards the top (assuming no landing 1/2 way), then the sign would make sense-- right going up, left coming down.

Or if you limit your frame of reference to those persons going up, then it also makes sense:  up-->right, down-->left.

However, if you use as a frame of reference, each individual stair-walker?  It doesn't work:  a better sign would have been "Always keep to your right on the stairs".

This is because "left" and "right" are relative terms, typically relative to the individual.  In contrast to absolute terms such as 'North' or 'South'.

One reason why I never give traffic directions using "left" and "right".   

[Swatopluk]

That's why one should use starboard and port

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

That's why one should use starboard and port

I prefer my port in a glass, preferably.

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

Jimmy, once again, threw out his Red Baron pizza in disgust, "It tastes like old burnt used motor oil!  Horrible!"

His friend had heard this complaint many times, but this was the first time he witnessed the actual cooking of the pizza.  He walked over to the trash can, where the cooling pizza, minus one slice (which was only minus one bite) lay in a forlorn heap.  His friend wryly observed, "perhaps you ought to try cooking it without the plastic wrap."

[Sibling DavidH]

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said,
"Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

[Roland Deschain]

^ Brilliant!

Griffin, that was pure Woody Allen and [classic] Mel Brooks there.

A corporate executive, a Tea-Partier, and a union worker are in a cafe, and order a plate of 12 cookies. The executive takes 11 of them, and turns to the Tea-Partier saying, "You'd better watch out for the union worker. He's trying to take your cookie."

[Sibling DavidH]

 Having read 50 Shades of Grey, a Welsh guy persuades his girlfriend to try anal sex for the first time.
He says, "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word twice and I'll stop." She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."

[Griffin NoName]