Simple Jokes Thread

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

A Gringo is down in Guadalajara on vacation. Outside the central market the tour buss driver gives everyone 2 hours to be back at the buss. The Gringo heads out into the plethora of trinket stalls and endless rows of ****ty taquerias only to loose complete track of time. Frantic he runs down an alleyway where he comes across an old Mexican in a sombrero sitting next to a burro taking a siesta.

The Gringo says "Scuze please Pour Favor. Que Hours Es? What time Pleeeze?" The Mexican tips back his sombrero, reaches out, grabs the donkeys balls, and says - "About Two O'clock." The Gringo, breathing a heavy sigh of relief, thanks the old Mexican and heads back for more shopping. Sometime later the Gringo realizes again that he has lost track of time. In a panic he runs back down the alley and awakens the old Mexican a second time.

"Scuze please Pour Favor. Que Hours Es? What time Pleeeze?" asks the Gringo while wiping the perspiration from his brow. Again, the Mexican tips back his sombrero, reaches out, grabs the donkeys balls, and says - "About Two Tirty."

The Gringo, realizing he has plenty of time, says "Graziass, Graziass." As he turns to head back to the buss the Gringo can't help but pester the old Mexican one last time.

"Scuze please Pour Favor Signor. Just how do you tell time by grabbing a donkey's balls?" The Mexican tips back his sombrero, reaches out, lifts the donkeys balls, and says - "Ju see dat clock on the church over there?"

[Aggie]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.  Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.  Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.  They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.  Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.  'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.  'I would like it infrequently,' she replied.  The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered:

'Is that one word or two?'

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

And one from Down Under:

A young jackaroo named Richard from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home.'Dad,' he says,'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane That will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says.'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says,'I'll get him in the course.'

So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father.'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says,'I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,'So, is your daddy
still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers,'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.

The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous." "I  thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately."Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ....
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"What the heck would they want with a plasterer??!"

[pieces o nine]

These all made me smile, Bob.  Thanks for posting!   


Two nuns are driving at night when a vampire suddenly leaps onto the hood of their car!

"Quick! Show him your cross!" exclaims one sister.

So the other rolls down the window and yells, "GET THE HELL OFF OUR DAMN CAR YOU BASTARD!"

[Swatopluk]

A Jew opens a furniture shop in Iceland specialised on shelves. Accordingly he calls it the Whole Shelf Shop.
After just a few days he asks that the phone  be disconnected and laments that all his customers seem to be Nazis (although very friendly ones).
"Why do you think that?" he is asked.
"Each and everyone calling or coming into the shop opens with 'Heil Hitler?'"

*'Whole shelf' in Icelandic is 'hæl hilla', the correct pronounciation is 'Hail Hitla'

[Griffin NoName]

The Dalai Lama goes into a pizza shop and says to the waiter............... make me one with everything.

[Roland Deschain]

The Dalai Lama goes into a pizza shop and says to the waiter............... make me one with everything.

Someone's been watching programmes on the BBC.

I would place a joke here, but all I can think of at the moment are inappropriate ones, so here's an inappropriate one.

Three nuns are talking together and one of them suggests talking about their recent holidays. The first nun describes the size and shape of the bananas she saw, using her hands expressively. The second nun describes the size and shape of the melons she saw, again using her hands expressively. The third nun, who was a little deaf, says, "Father who?"

[Griffin NoName]

The Dalai Lama goes into a pizza shop and says to the waiter............... make me one with everything.

Someone's been watching programmes on the BBC.

Yes, but most people here don't ! Perhaps we have a duty to make sure jokes reach farflung places?

Actually, wouldn't be surprised if this joke isn't on youtube.

EDIT Yes it is, and I forgot it was american to start with so no gains to our farflung friends.

It's funnier to watch than just to relate.


[youtube=425,350]xlIrI80og8c[/youtube]

[Roland Deschain]

It is our duty to spread jokes far and wide, although some do lose something in translation (see video, lol). There's a programme on the Romans on Auntie at the moment, which looks at the ordinary folk, and the presenter read out a couple of 2000 year old jokes. It's the same spirit.

Australian, not American. Also, the Dalai Lama's meant to be visiting Aldershot this year. I'm considering going there just to see him, as that would be something to remember in years to come, just like the people in Lancashire when Gandhi visited.

[Griffin NoName]

There's a programme on the Romans on Auntie at the moment, which looks at the ordinary folk, and the presenter read out a couple of 2000 year old jokes.

mmmm Mary Beard. I watched the first one and just got really irritated by her. So much, that I couldn't watch any more, which is a great shame as the content was very interesting. There's a tremendous row going on about her; some people have been being rude about her - claiming she's a dyke and stuff - gratuitous (I don't know whether she is hetersexual ot other and couldn't care) - can't think where I was reading about it, somewhere online I think.

.............the Dalai Lama's meant to be visiting Aldershot this year. I'm considering going there just to see him, as that would be something to remember in years to come,................

Wow! Keep me posted. Would love to see him too.

[Sibling DavidH]

I like Mary Beard, although it's easy to see why she annoys so many people.
As for the Dalai Lama - why Aldershot, of all places?

[Griffin NoName]

Isn't there a barracks in Aldershot?