Simple Jokes Thread

[Sibling DavidH]

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning
and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night.  Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was
saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

[Griffin NoName]

We used to coat my grandfather's back with vaseline. He went downhill after that.

[Sibling DavidH]

We used to coat my grandfather's back with vaseline. He went downhill after that.

[Griffin NoName]

We used to coat my grandfather's back with vaseline. He went downhill after that.

I know. A truly awful joke

[Sibling DavidH]

Only awful in a way.  It's right in the old Music Hall tradition.

"I say, I say, I say, my wife's gone to the West Indies...."

All the siblings below me know the rest of that one.

[Swatopluk]

I fear I don't get that one. Some of the variations I can find make sense, so I can't say whether there is sense in this one too.

The sibling below me prefers physical comedy (i.e. custard pie ballistics)

[Sibling DavidH]

Sorry, Swato - it's a very British thing.

Picture two stand-up comedians:

A)  "I say, I say, I say, my wife's gone to the West Indies."
B)  "Jamaica?"                          (D'ye make her?)
A)  "No, she went voluntarily."

or:

A)  "I say, I say, I say, my wife's gone to the East Indies."
B)  "Jakarta?"                             (D'ye cart her?)
A)  "No, she went by boat."

[Swatopluk]

I guessed something like that since many variations work that way:

My wife attended a concert in the Far East.
Singapore?
Yes, and the orchestra was even worse.

The sibling below me will now ramble about assaulted peanut.
Edit: Sorry, mistaken thread

[Aggie]

If Facebook existed years ago.....

[Swatopluk]

What do you call a Na'vi mammary?
A Blue Tit

[Aggie]

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard. "

[Sibling DavidH]

^ :LOL:
----------------

Ralph and Edna were both  patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.  He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled  him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hanged himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I hung him up there to dry.   How soon can I go home?'

[Sibling DavidH]

It was late autumn and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota
asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the
old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was
going to bring.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter
was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should
collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He
went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is
the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at
the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it
still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going
to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
going  to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."
"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting sh*tloads of firewood."

[Swatopluk]

Reminds me of two other meteorologist jokes

The university goes on a picnic after the head meteorologist has forecast good weather but suddenly a rainstorm starts.
It turns out thet the head meteorologist is the only one who has an umbrella. When people ask him why he of all people after forecasting good weather has an umbrella, he answers: "My wife said that it looks like rain and that I should better take the umbrella with me."

The king's meteorologist has a problem. His weather forecasts are always 100% wrong. But there is a new kid on the block that also makes weather predictions that turn out to be 100% accurate all the time. The old guy visits the new one to find out and, after a significant amount of money has changed hands , the young genius is willing to part with his secret: 'I wait until you have made your prediction, then I predict the exact opposite.'

[Sibling DavidH]

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F___ the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'.