Simple Jokes Thread

[Swatopluk]

The basically same joke is known in German with the writer J.M.Simmel instead of the pianist and lemons/melons in small pigs (Melonen in kleinen Schweinen)

[Sibling DavidH]

I won't stick this in Swato's masterpieces, it wouldn't be fair.

Don't bring Cthulhu

You can bring Pearl,
She's a darn nice girl,
But don't bring Cthulhu.

You can bring Rose
With her turned up nose,
But don't bring Cthulhu.

Cthulhu always wants to do,
What the boys don't want to do,
When he struts his stuff around,
London bridge is falling down,

You can bring cake
Or Porterhouse steak,
But don't bring Cthulhu.

Cthulhu gets blue
And he goes cuckoo
Like a clock up on the shelf,

He's the kind of smartie
Who breaks up every party,
Whatever you do do, don't bring Cthulhu,
He'll come by himself.

[Aggie]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says,
"Ted, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Ted says, "I feel like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a newborn baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

[Swatopluk]

How does on call Persian followers of the late Roman writer Publius Flavius Vegetius Renatus?

Vegetaryans

[Griffin NoName]

If you talk to G-d you are praying, but if G-d talks to you, you are schizophrenic.

[Sibling DavidH]

I was given this key-ring tag yesterday -



It just tickles my imagination.

[Swatopluk]

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/scissorsbeatspaper.jpg

[Sibling DavidH]

Got a 404 error there ^ Swato.

----------------------------------------

An RC priest and a Hindu priest are making some toast.
The priest takes the lid off a tub of margarine to spread over the toast and says to the Hindu, "I can see the face of Jesus in the margarine."
The Hindu replies, "I can't believe it's not Buddha."

[Swatopluk]

OK, same image as in Post above but from different source

http://strange-land.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/scissors_0preview.jpg

[Bluenose]

Life in the Australian  Army...

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! 

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and susages, eggs and bacon but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka* last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!!  You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya  gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers -  he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving  daughter,

Sheila





* The Royal Queensland Agricultural Show is universally known as the Ekka

[Sibling Zono (anon1mat0)]

No wonder why in real life the farmers are overrepresented in the army...

[Swatopluk]

No wonder why in real life the farmers are overrepresented in the army...

Nothing new there. In the past a soldier had to be robust first, everything else was optional and intelligence often seens as a negative. In some countries recruits were country lads only with city dwellers exempted by default.

Sorry for dragging the thread into serious territory.

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

Blue-

Robert Heinlein's short story, "The Tale of the Man Who Was Too Lazy to Fail" is highly reminiscent of your story.   It was a piece buried in the extended novel, Time Enough For Love, published in the late 70's.

The wiki entry, while accurate, is too dry: wiki link

Love your story, though-- but if you want a longer tale in a similar vein, find a copy of RAH's missive.  Pity, it's short enough, I thought sure it would be up on the web somewhere or other, but alas, it does not appear to be.

Worth digging out, though.

[Swatopluk]

Strolling down the sidewalk in Las Vegas one hot summer day, a very well-dressed Gentleman (with curly moustachio) came upon a beggar, squatting there in the heat, who verbally buttonholed the Gentleman:

'Please sir, my beloved wife is real' sick, and I need to raise $300 as fast as I can to pay for her life-saving medication'.

The Gentleman's eyes narrowed: 'How can I know that you won't simply take the monies I give you and run into yon casino and gamble it all away?'

The beggar's demeanor instantly changed from supplicating to almost haughty: 'Oh no, I GOT gambling'-money!'

[Pachyderm]

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks -
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"