Simple Jokes Thread

[Swatopluk]

How do you call it, when an Tolkienian treeherd defends mafiosi in court?

The Ent justifies the Means

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

Here's one I came up with the other day:

What is the difference between a fundamentalist-zealot and a zombie?






One is a brain-dead raving monster, and the other is myth.

[Swatopluk]

That reminds me of this one:

What is the difference between the Zeppelin 'Hindenburg' and Rush Limbaugh?

The one is a flaming Nazi gasbag, the other a dirigible.

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

What is the difference between a modern lawyer and a catfish?




One is a bottom-dwelling scum-sucker, and the other is a fish.

[Swatopluk]

What is a vampire attorney?
A bloodsucking lawyer

[Sibling DavidH]

What's the difference between a street vendor and a dachshund?

One bawls out his wares on the pavement ...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

An SAS unit captured a Taliban leader in Afghanistan and took him to a warehouse where they gave him a dice.
The SAS Leader tells him to roll the dice.
"Roll the dice. If you get a 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 your head comes off"
The Taliban leader says "What if I throw a 6?"
The SAS leader says "You get another go."

[Swatopluk]

Was ist der Unterschied zwischen Medizin und einem Mönch?
Medizin ist ein Heilserum, der Mönch hat ein Seil herum

Was ist der Unterschied zwischen dem Osterhasen und einem Volkswagen?
Der Osterhase kurvt mit Eiern rum, der Volkswagen eiert um die Kurve.

[Sibling DavidH]

Was ist der Unterschied zwischen Medizin und einem Mönch?
Medizin ist ein Heilserum, der Mönch hat ein Seil herum

That joke is against the Geneva Convention _{I imagine}.

Why did the electron cross the road?
Because it was on the other side, probably.

[Sibling Zono (anon1mat0)]

Was ist der Unterschied zwischen dem Osterhasen und einem Volkswagen?
Der Osterhase kurvt mit Eiern rum, der Volkswagen eiert um die Kurve.

And here I thought VW had some good will/image left in Germany...

[Swatopluk]

Calories are the little critters that sew your clothes in the wardrobe tighter during the night

[Aggie]

They keep letting out the seams at my place.

[Sibling DavidH]

[Sibling DavidH]

Q.  Why do Marxists drink Earl Grey tea?
A.  Because proper tea is theft.

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

Street observer 1:  "It must be hard to be Gothic and gay."
Street observer 2:  "It's easier than being a Jehovah's Witness and a vampire."

[Sibling DavidH]

A man walks into a bar and hears this most amazing, concert-level piano music coming from a bar. He walks in and he sees this foot-tall piano-player playing on a very tiny piano. The man sits down and orders a drink, contemplating the peculiar sight.

"Y'know, that is one small piano-player," he comments to the bartender, "Pretty darn good one, though."

"Yeah," grumbles the bartender, "I got him from a genie wish."

"No way, dude, seriously?"

"Yup."

"Nah, you're shittin' me."

"Nope, dead serious. The genie is just outside the back door, go see for yourself. He can grant you a wish too."

So the man steps outside, and sure enough there's a genie waiting there who asks him what his wish is. The man thinks for a moment and says "I wish I had a million bucks."

Suddenly, something swoops down and slams into the back of his head. After shouting a quick profanity, he turns around and sees that it was a duck. A second later, another duck attempts to bite his leg, and then another one comes out of nowhere and goes for his arm. He turns his head back the other way and sees a huge wave of ducks coming down the alley, coming straight for him. He fights off the ducks and runs back inside before they can follow him.

He goes to the counter and asks for a drink, more than shaken by this confusing experience.

"What the @#$! just happened? I asked for a million bucks, and all these ducks started to attack me!" he shivered.

The bartender just smirked and replied, "What, did you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"