Toadfish Monastery

Yarrgh...thee Great Shyppe Venganza FSM has sunk wiv all hands...no wreckage...no nothin...tis a Mystery loik thee Mary Celeste.

Aaargh I didn't realise thee Pyrate Olympiks was goin on ere as well.

Black Donald and co are all actual Scottish myths and legends.  I went up a Scottish mountain myself once, it was gorgeous, eerily beautiful.

The Abominable Scotsman

A terrible storm had driven our shyppe north.  After 3 days the storm abated and we found ourselves off the craggy coast o Scotland.  An Englishman needs ta think twice afore he sets foot on Scottish shores, let alone an English Pirate...but we were driven by thirst and hunger.

After getting ashore we came across an old man who, on seeing a Pirate, cried out in terror:

"Arrrrgh Och a Fachan!  The beast with one leg, one arm and one eye is upon us...we're dooooomed...dooooooooomed!"

I explained that we were only humble Pirates looking for food and drink and he calmed down a bit and explained that in Highland lore there was a creature called a Fachan...

"Tis terrifying, with one leg, one arm and but one eye...and very, very ugly!"

"Yes thank ye'" said I "Less of the ugly if ye don't mind...now where can we find food an drink ye daft old sod?"

With that the old feller drew close, his breath smelling o whisky, and he said:

"Och ye'll be needin to cross the mountain....on the other side ye'll find a village inn...but mind ye don't meet with...Black Donald!!!!!!"

"Black who?" says I.

With a furtive glance toward the hills the old fellar answered:

"Black Donald haunts these hills, tis said he is the devil himself...if ye see cloven foot prints...run, run for yer lives!"

I grabbed the old sod by his ragged collar: "Look mate...tell us how to get to the Inn...cloven footprints my arse...tis likely to be a deer or a stray sheep."

"Nay" said the old un "An watch ye don't meet Old Shellycoat...och the terrrrrible bogeyman...he haunts the rivers and streams...he be covered in shells an ye'll as like hear him rattling."

Well I'd has enough of this and said:

"If ye don't tell us how to find the Inn It'll be your bones what rattle you old rascal."

Finally we got our directions and set off up the mountain path with the voice of the old man in the distance still shouting:

"Ye're doomed dooooooomed!" and "Don't go near the old castle and mind ye don't come upon the black beast with the head of a cat and the body of a cat..."

Sure enough as we climbed ever upwards, we saw cloven footprints leading off into the bracken.  A little further we stopped for a drink at a mountain stream, a rattling sound came from the misty heights above! 

Upward, ever upward we climbed until we reached the snow line.  Suddenly out of the mist loomed a dark craggy shape, it was a ruined castle with ivy clad walls and the wind howling through it's empty windows.  Snow had began falling so we decided to take shelter in the ruin before pressing on for the village below.

We were almost under the shadow of the castle walls when a terrible cry pierced the gloom:

"Och ye bampot, ye bauchle, ye gomeril...there's no way ye've got four aces!!!!"  "Tis bad enough lookin at yer face like a bashed thripny without ye cheatin awa ma money"

This was followed by the squeaky terrified voice of someone protesting his innocence and though we were afraid our curiosity led us forward into the castle to see what was going on...and there we saw an unbelievable sight...

It was the game of Texas Holdem from hell....

There in the middle of the keep sat a very ugly man with one leg, one arm and one eye, an old man in a black suit...with cloven feet, a strange creature who appeared to be covered in shells and...

The Pirates stared in horror...there at the head of the table sat...

Snarling and slavering like a maniac, clutching a bottle of Buckfast Tonic Wine, wearing a string vest and a massive Tam o Shanter with ghastly lank ginger hair hanging from it...there sat...A Glaswegian!!!!!!!!

That was it...we ran back to the ship as fast as our peg legs could carry us!

i prefers Jenny Agutter meself...

I watched Logan's Run the other night and it inspired me to write this song about Jenny Agutter:

Jenny Agutter Song

I watched a film
Called Logan's Run
Dystopian vision of the future
It was so much fun

Suddenly a woman
Appeared on my screen
Her clothes were so skimpy
It made me scream

Her body so sexy,
Her face so meek
I watched the film again
Only next week

Now I'm not much of a science geek
I don't read New Scientist every week
But I'm going to invent time travel
Just to see Jenny Agutter's clothes unravel

OOOOOH Jenny Agutter
You make my heart flutter
You make my voice stutter
You're from another world
OOOOOH Jenny Agutter
Your outfits are flimsy
Bordering on the skimpy
They're almost bound to get torn

I had a dream
Late last night
Chased by a Werewolf
It was a terrible fright

But as I ran
I wasn't alone in my curse
For with me was Jenny
Dressed up as a nurse

Her body so sexy
Her face so meek
Her Skirt so short
I glimpsed a bit of cheek

Now I'm in love
With this starlet from heaven
It's just a shame
she's nearly an Octogenarian

OOOOOH Jenny Agutter
You make my heart flutter
You make my voice stutter
You're from another world
OOOOOH Jenny Agutter
Your outfits are flimsy
Bordering on the skimpy
They're almost bound to get torn

**********************************************************

Blimey...ones worked up a bit of a thirst whilst teaching the scullery maid how to peel her onions...pass the Caraaaafe.

yarr we should ave the nearest equivalent over here in Yurp...Shirley Bassey Day.

Yarr ye may larf...but that be Swansea's most excitin attracshun!

That and Bonnie Tyler!

Does this one count?

Yarr I wouldn't mind de-scaling that Dave!

What stitch does a Dalek Seamstress use?

Skaro-stitch.

Did Dave get im this time?

Only askin because me presents turned up again...more bleedin socks!!!!

Talking of Pompeii my wife and I have always wanted to visit the site.  There was an excellent documentary on the beeb this week focusing on the real lives of the people who died at Pompeii.  Having seen the sort of x rated paintings and phallic symbols the Romans have adorned their walls with I think we might have to leave the kids at home!  Franky Howard got it absolutely right. 

Toe sucking was nothing!!!

I switched the dish washer off too soon and left a pool of dirty water at the bottom.  When I tried to find a setting for rinsing out the machine I could make no sense of the symbols whatsoever...easier to understand the Egyptian book of the dead!

Aye matey but it takes a lot outta me writin them true tales...thee memories can be quite vexin.

I've been fillin me head with loads o nonsense written by Algernon Blackwood so gawd knows wot I'll come up wiv next.

I just read his terrifying tale 'The Windigo" a terrible crittur wot runs around in the Canadian wilderness farting on hinocent travelers an hunters.