Toadfish Monastery

Ye Pyrate's Life be Merrye and Gaye

I wuz born a fierce Pyrate
So me mammy said ta me
Before I could even walk an inch
I was the terror of the sea

I nivver went ta school
Nor any sort o church
I slapped a wench about a bit
then left her in thee lurch (when I was 8 )

By thee toim I was in Long Trousers
Thee king's men were after me
I said goodbye ta mammy
An set sail upon thee sea (after passing me Pirate articles and studying navigation for 4 years)

I swashed me buckle accross the briny
From Nantucket to Mandalay
I nivver shed a tear at all
for a Pirate's life is gaye

Then one day I stood upon thee deck
The First Mate he spoke ta me
He said he loiked thee cut o me jib
An I filled his heart wiv glee

Now it it seemed ta me a strange thing
That a man who loiked a drink
Could stand upon the poop deck
In a dress four shades o pink

I always thought he was a Spanyard
But it seems he comes from Perth
And when he arsked me for a kiss
It filled thee crew with mirth

I had ta let him down kindlee
For I aint that sort o man
But we soon arrived at Bancock
A place of which he was a fan

Altogether now:

Oh Ye Pyrate's Life be Merrye and Gaye
Merrye and Gaye
Merrye and Gaye

Ye Pyrate's Life be Merrye and Gaye
But the First Mate's even Gayer



_{fixed yer 8 to not be so smiley - Aggie}

The Parable of the Ten Wenches

And lo there came a Pirate from the West of Esher who's name was 'Walktheplank' and his hair groweth not. But verily he placed a wyge upon his barren head and went forth to speak unto the people.

When many people had gathered before him they were filled with awe at his flowing locks and verily they asked for a tale to sooth their earthly woes. Then Walktheplank spoke in a voice full of pathos, some would say it was pathetic, and the many sat down and listened as one.

And lo the Pirate did tell them the Long Winded Parable of the Ten Wenches. These ten wenches went down to the docks to meet a pirate shype which had lately come to dock. Five of these wenches were foolish and five were slightly less foolish and all of the wenches were drunk and verily they fell asleep.

And as they slept upon the dock the Captain and his men did gaze down upon the wenches and the Captain spake: He that can tell me which of these wenches are the foolish ones and which are the less foolish shall have the first choice thereof. And the shype's carpenter did say: "My captain, the first 5 wenches on the left are the foolish ones for it is a chilly windy night I have observed that they have forgotten their undies.

The Captain was true to his word and verily the shype's carpenter did choose there of the 5 foolish wenches for he liketh what he saweth.

And at the end of this sermon the multitude did rise up and asketh Walktheplank:

What meaneth this parable? For verily we hath fallen asleep half way through.

And the Pirate rose up in great anger and smote the multitude saying: Payeth attention next time ye blaggards!

See if you can guess the popular song from this piraticalated version:

In my imagination
I has found Cronan's Booty
I dream about it all the toim
In me mind the celebration
Twill be a big sensation
Thinkin the treasure could be mine
In my imagination
The ale is strong an Belgian
The vouchers are in me hand
I be dreamin
The Old Nick Bottle blue
Stuffed wiv vouchers thru and thru
But dreaming`s all I do
If only they`d come true

I should B so lucky
Lucky, lucky, lucky
I should B so lucky in the South
I should B so lucky
Lucky, lucky, lucky
I should B so lucky in Portsmouth

To inspire us all I've started a list of famous Pirates. Model yourself on one of the real Pirates of yore, simply marvel at their dare devil lives or make up your own legends.

Famous Pirate Biographies No 1:

Blackbeard:



Edward Teach (c. 1680– November 22, 1718), better known as Blackbeard, was a notorious English pirate in the Caribbean Sea and western Atlantic during the early 18th century, a period referred to as the Golden Age of Piracy. His best known vessel was the Queen Anne's Revenge, which is believed to have run aground near Beaufort Inlet, North Carolina in 1718. Excavations of the site are ongoing and may have uncovered Blackbeard's cabin.

Blackbeard often fought, or simply showed himself, wearing a big feathered tricorn, and having multiple swords, knives, and pistols at his disposal. It was reported in the General History of the Pirates that he had hemp and lit matches woven into his enormous black beard during battle. Blackbeard is the premier image of the seafaring pirate.

He wasn't as good as Black Bart though.

Post a headline with missing words...next person fills in the gaps in an amusing way eg:

Big Ron Takes Blame for ******** on Black Bart's ship

This is a 'Woman's Own' type magazine to amuse the hard working Pirate Housewife whilst her Swashbuckling Pirate husband is away at sea. It's time for her to take a well earned break from the household chores, settle down with a nice cup of tea and read...complete saucy nonsense.

Post Short stories and other amusing snippets for our female readers.

Can you fix my blockage?

by Hayley Humpbucket



Mrs Morgan stared forlornly out of the kitchen window, her arms up to the elbows in the murky water in the sink. It had been nearly a full year since her husband Captain Morgan had sailed from Portsmouth Harbour and in that time life had become harder and harder for poor Mrs Morgan. It wasn't just the sink that was playing up, there were problems all over the house.

Mrs Morgan sat herself down for a cup of tea, a bun and a think. Suddenly a card dropped through the letterbox onto the doormat, she picked it up and read "Bustlin Brian's Plumbing Emporium - for all your Plumbing and Household Maintenance needs". Within minutes Mrs Morgan was on the phone, arranging a visit from Brian.

Next morning, when Mrs Morgan opened the door to Brian, she was momentarily taken aback by Brian's manly demeanor, his strong hands clutching his tool box as he stood in the doorway. "Come in," said Mrs M recovering her feminine poise, "That's a big tool box you've got there." Brian brushed passed her into the hall, his large frame accidently nudging her up against the wall. "In my business you need some big tools love, now where do you want me to start?" Turning ever so slightly crimson, Mrs M led Brian to the kitchen where he was soon busy with the sink.

Mrs Morgan sighed to herself, it was nice to have a man around the house again, especially one who was such a handyman. When Brian called out, "can you hold my bucket" Mrs M was there like a shot. Crouching under the sink with Brian was the most fun Mrs M had had in months. Sadly Brian had sorted out Mrs M's plumbing all too soon and after 5 cups of tea and eighteen biscuits it was time for Brian to leave. As he left, he said: 'You shouldn't have any more problems love. But if you need me, just give me a call.'

It was with sadness that Mrs M returned to the empty house each day during the following week. She almost wished she had an excuse to call Brian. So imagine her delight when she discovered the huge jobby she'd done the other night had completely blocked the loo.

'I'm sorry about that' said Mrs M when Brian turned up, 'lucky you had such a big ram rod.' Not only did Brian fix the loo but he also accepted Mrs M's offer of a pie and a pint of ale. Brian nodded sympathetically as Mrs M told him about her husband being far away and unlikely to return for many months. 'You make a nice pie Mrs Morgan, if you ever need a good rodding, don't hesitate to call me. 'Mrs M smiled, gazing into Brians eyes, please call me Cynthia,' she said, she was debating whether to ask him round for another meal when he got up, thanked her for a pleasant nosh up and said: 'Call me if you need me'.

After he'd gone Cynthia sighed to herself, she was only a customer after all, there was no reason to think anything would come of Brian's visits. Even so, Cynthia wished she had an excuse to call Brian back. Suddenly Cynthia had a flash of inspiration.

When Brian arrived to fix the water tank, he stared at Cynthia. 'I've never seen anything like it...It's most unusual for your ball cock to drop off and get jammed in your main faucet whilst severely inhibiting your air gap.' ' If I had to hazard a guess,' he said, 'I'd say this was the result of deliberate damage.'

A big smile spread accross Brians face. Cynthia blushed, standing there in her bra, knickers and suspenders, what an idiot she'd been., He'd seen straight through her.

'Well then,' said Brian, 'that's the plumbing sorted, now where did I put my ram rod?'

Anyone any good at building conservatories? (remembering it will be overhanging the poop deck...only joking).

"I'm here to answer piratey questions!, I have extensive knowledge about Piracy not only in the Caribbean, but the Barbary Pirates, Asian Pirates, and Fictional Pirates as well!"

A Quote from the long lost archives of Pirate Lore...now lets have some questions that do it justice...

Post your photographic memories of Ye Olde Portsmouth town, so future generations can marvel at times gone by.

Here be a rare photo of Fifi's girls...with their clothes on!

YYYAAARRR and ahoy me hearties. I be openin this topic for suggestions of amusin things to do on a long voyage or for when yer ship's becalmed in the middle of the ocean.

I likes a bit of Scrimshaw meself...

No, don't titter, taint nothin ye be doin at Madame Fifi's, it be the art of carvin or wittlin pieces o bone into helaborate hornimants such as sailing ships and snuff boxes.

The most common type o bone used be Whale or Walrus Tusk...but I prefers Frenchman or Spaniard! YYYAARRRR I can spend hours happily wittlin away until me hand gets tired.  The beauty of it bein ye can sell yer objects at Portsmouth Market when ye gets home.  I once wittled a Spaniards shin bone into an exact replica of Portsmouth Lighthouse...I was very pleased with meself but the Spaniard wasn't so happy!

So lets hear yer suggestions for whiling away the long salty hours.