Gained in Translation

[Griffin NoName]

Sir

If you would present us with some recent toe nail clippings we will endeavour to eliminate you from our enquiries.

C.

[The Meromorph]

Dear sir or madam,
You may be aware that the Organization maintains a comprehensively indexed database of Camel Toe nail clippings. Regrettably our airtight security arrangements strictly limit database access to the senior Help Desk staff.
The Organization deeply regrets any inconvenience this may cause you, but I am, in point of fact, authorized to access the said database on your behalf. If you will kindly and expeditiously place the aforesaid toe nails into my trustworthy hands, I will undertake to compare them with our database. Please note that the entire toe nails must be supplied.
Please also note that the comparison process normally results in the complete destruction of the samples and any matching items filed in the database.

Bertram Bentwhistle, chief deputy adminstrator of the Organization's Help Desk.

[Griffin NoName]

** Warrant **

This authorises the following persons

PC Fat Boy
PC Luke Skyskater
WPC Amarilla Petworthy
DCI Jack Scribbins

for the folllowing avtivites
category A
~~~~~~~~
to enter the property of the Organization for the Health and Safety of Camels
to rummage around
to hack into the Organizations databases
to download the Organisations databases to any medium of choice
to remove the Organisation computers to a place of choice
to examine the accounts of the Organization for the Health and Safety of Camels

Category B
~~~~~~~
to interrogate staff members of the Organisation
to bang up Bertram Bentwhistle, chief deputy adminstrator of the Organization's Help Desk
to bang up Bertram Bentwhistle cronies

Category C
~~~~~~~
to seal the premises of the Organisation
to bring in and use digging equipement at the Organisation

Category D
~~~~~~~

to suspend all activities of the Organization for the Health and Safety of Camels

[Swatopluk]

Dear sirs, missesis and related gendered people
I have noticed that there seems to be a dispute concerning the species of a certain quadruped and whether it can be categorized as a camel or an elephant. Without knowing the animal in question personally (and I do mean, not in the biblical sense) I would nonetheless beg you to consider the possibility that it may be a Bakthrian moose. In order to help you gentlebeings with the identification I will add the picture of this specimen very dear to me (I assure you that it is a purely aristotelic relationship devoid of any parthenogenetic aspects).
Yours semihonourably
ADH (horse liver)

[Pachyderm]

Man, what is it with the youth of today?

Quite large, often beige, variable number of humps on the back. Bad temper, projectile spitting and often found in the company of men wearing blue cloth, = camel.

Very big, grey (never beige), short tail, long trunk, no humps and dirty big teeth sticking out = elephant.


And now there is a third contender, the Bactrian Moose!

It's all lies, I tell you. The camel did it, and ran away....

[The Meromorph]

Dear sir or madam,
Perhaps you are not aware that the, as it were, headquarters of the Organization are in an undisclosed location, and not, in point of fact, accessible to persons with flat, and probably ill-cleaned, feet. Allegedly valid warrant. or no allegedly valid warrant.
All contact with what I must describe as the 'general public', whether they have flat and or grimy feet or not, must be conducted through the Organizations Help Desk.  Regrettably our airtight security arrangements strictly limit physical access to the senior Help Desk staff.
The Organization deeply regrets any inconvenience this may cause you, but I am, in point of fact, authorized to deal appropriately with such 'members of the general public' as yourselves. If you will kindly and expeditiously place the aforesaid alleged warrant into my trustworthy hands, I will undertake to deal with them in the manner prescribed by Organization policy. You are advised that Camel Toes may be involved.

I remain,
your helpful, and only, interface with the Organization,
Bertram Bentwhistle, chief deputy adminstrator of the Organization's Help Desk.

[Griffin NoName]

Tattle Gossip Column. Monday.

The beautiful Amonia is to present her new young man, Bertram, to her parents this evening. We at the Tattle wish the young couple well.

[The Meromorph]

Dear tattle,

Cor! There won't be a dry eye in the place!

Is it true that that there nice young master Bertram made 'is fortune playing Cripple Mister Onion?


Cor! 'E ain't arf cute!

[Griffin NoName]

Tattle Gossip Column. Tuesday.

Mrs Amelia Swashbuckle was delighted to make the acquaintance of her daughter Amonia's new young man, Bertram. She spent several hours in secluded conversation with him.

Meanwhile, in other news, Dr Smartpants has gone missing. He was last seen on Sunday evening at the laundaurette in the High Street. Anyone with any information should call the police and ask for DCI Jack Scribbins.

We regret to announce that our Letters page has not been printed today.

[Aggie]

Valentine's Day is coming - don't forget your Sweatheart!  

this was in the weekly marketing email from the local Asian mega-supermarket, so there's really no excuse

[Opsa]

Ooh! That's some steamy valentine!
Foux de fa fa!