Toadfish Monastery

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods.

He leaned the old 12 gauge shotgun against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of a few ounces of buckshot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to... and
there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news.

Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole

"Da bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done
to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic
surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis
Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers,
so you don't pee in your eye."

A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.


About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.

He went to the club to inquire as to why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scot: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

Scot: Aye, I also do the same.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scot: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in
the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.


Scot: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen and I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus but this is the first time I've heard that
you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!