Toadfish Monastery

www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=5030&nl=2

If that doesn't work, go to Konraband and type

"idiot on game show phone in" in the search box.

I have never been to Australia. I am sure there are many products I would not be familiar with. But, still....


Can I have a culling license, please?

Moi question is this?

Oi really loikes this 'ere smilie thingie  (  )


'Ow does Oi go abaht gettin' it as me wallpaper?

Or is there a py-rate whut as could do us a big 'un?

Oi can barely toipe, let alone go muckin' abaht wif pictchoors....

Found this on the old PC.

A friend and myself used to give each other little questions to answer. The title is hers, the words, mine. In return, I asked "Belgium. Why?" and got four pages about brassicas, the Spanish and trousers. And cave paintings of Mammoth hunting using carrots.

A Revisionist's examination of the existence of the Earth, outside the parameters of the collective and racial memory.

This treatise begins the onset of conscious thought by our most distant ancestors. Admittedly, this consciousness was probably aimed at the 3 fundamentals of life around this period:-

1.   Can I eat it?
2.   If not, can I mate with it?
3.   Should I, at this point be running away?

Heavy stuff indeed for someone (thing?) with the brain capacity they had.

Over the course of the development of the human race, brain size increased, cognitive power magnified, opposable thumbs were tested and found to be a good thing. (All this evolution, and for what? To spend a seventh of your week trailing behind a kind of mechanical sheep). Primitive weapons were developed. Some unsung genius discovered the value inherent in the club ( less than all the other suits, but with a longer range. And no scarring of fingers due to teeth. ). Then the exciting addition of pointy bits. This dramatically altered hunting techniques, and led to further development in the thought processes, viz:-

1.   Can I eat it?
2.   If not, can I mate with it?
3.   Why should I run away from it, for I am armed?

One of the great early thinkers, Ug of Gondwanaland postulated an extended version, with the inclusion of his now infamous Point 4.

     4. Curses and naughty words, my pointy stick is bro...........

Eventually, as human kind grew and spread out to cover the globe, thought patterns were similarly expanded, to encompass more than the satiation of instant desires and immediate gratification (although, in an infinite and varied universe, there is a place and time for anything. With, of course, the always notable exception of Liechtenstein. Which only exists to prove there are places in Austria so tedious that even the Swiss can't stand living in. Liechtenstein, the only country on the globe I traveled through and didn't realize it.)

"Nice valley. No sabre-tooths (Smilodont fatalis₁) . Bison. The wife can grow stuff near the cave. And the Jones's in the next valley have discovered fire. Must have them round to dinner...."

However, being new to the area he was fleeced by unscrupulous Neanderthals, and ended up buying the one patch of land in the entire valley the mastodons used as a lavvie.

It is believed that the last words of the long-lost Atlantean civilization, before it disappeared into myth and mystery were:

"Darling, I think I left the tap on"

Sumerian philosophy was neatly encapsulated by the most notable mind of Ancient Sumeria, Achmedbenazzer the Mildly Insane, in 4356 B.C.

"What, in the name of all the Gods and every thing Holy is all this bloody sand FOR.."

Egyptian thinking was coloured by a series of religious beliefs, most notably that when you died, it might be a good idea to sit you in salt, pull your brains out through your nose and thus ensure an eternity swigging beer with the Gods.

The idea of sitting in some secluded paradise, supping with the Immortals, is by no means exclusive to the Egyptians. Virtually every society has its version. The major difference is that societies based in hot climates generally have an afterlife of redolent luxury, in the shade of pretty trees, with plenty of wine, olives, larks tongues in aspic and nubile women with diaphanous trousers and no sense of shame.

However, Northern climes tend to an eternity of mortal combat. Anthropologists believe that this is the ultimate manifestation of the desire to be warm.

Another belief common to most societies is the Wheel of Time, Flywheel of the Gods, Dirty Great Wooden Disk of Fate, call it what you will. This is both a generative and degenerative process. It is usually seen as cyclical, never-ending and will eventually get back to the same point. Norsemen, however, have a slightly different view.

Two blind Gods sit at either end of a magic rope. One braids and slices the fibres to make the rope. The other, in a monumental fit of pique, frays and separates the fibres, dropping the remnants to the floor, where they are eventually to be incorporated once again. What this is meant to symbolize has been lost in the mists of time, but it may well indicate the mindless tedium of Norway.


1. Knife toothed killer. Some repression among the paleontologists, perhaps?