Toadfish Monastery

May I just take this opportunity to wish everyone here a Happy Hogmanay? I can? Excellent.


I propose to give you the toast of the Highland Regiments.

"Here's tae us!"
"Whaa's like us?"
"Damn few!"
"An' they're a' deid!"


We're a cheery bunch, the Scots...   


Happy Hogmanay!  

One of our consultants was out doing a survey the other day, and as he was diving in and out of a hedgerow, looking for badgers....

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-12895053

I went to Dublin for the Easter weekend, to do a survey on the Thursday, then spend some time with a friend. Went out on Saturday afternoon and some rotten bastard had stolen the van!

I don't know what some Dublin knacker would want with a water sample collecting pole and some hi-viz jackets, which is about all that was there.

Bastards.

Secret Santa visited our office today. Lots of cool stuff was in evidence.

I got a pair of little remote control helicopters that shoot at each other.

Now my Quest is to find two leather flying helmets, goggles and those scarves which stick out behind you.

Office War is officially declared.

Now I can be a Pirate of the Skies as well....

I was wondering who you erudite and surprising lot would consider as anti-heroes?

There is, of course, the usual suspects. Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Cap'n Cronan etc., but what about the unsung anti-heroes? The folks who quietly got on with whatever nefarious deeds they should be infamous for?

I'll start with a deadly duo, Thomas Midgely Jr. and Charles Kettering. Midgely was a mechanical engineer, but turned his hand to chemistry. And, believe me, the world would have been better off if he hadn't. Kettering was a research bod from day 1.

Not content with discovering that tetra-ethyl lead makes an effective anti-knock" agent when added to petrol (cheers, Tom), he went on to
co-discover (with Kettering) dichlorodifluoromethane. Also known as Freon. Yup, leaded petrol and CFC's. Quality legacy.

One historian remarked that Midgley "had more impact on the atmosphere than any other single organism in Earth history."

Over to you...

My quest for gainful employment is (at least temporarily) over.

I am going to Belfast, working for an ecological consultancy. They told me to brush up on badgers and otters, so I'm guessing that will be what I'm surveying...


Mother was a bit concerned "Oh, Belfast, that might be a bit risky". Then I pointed out where being married to my father has taken her. Nigeria, Libya, Rwanda, Dundee....

Right.

I am looking for a job. I would be perfectly happy to move anywhere on the planet to work. (getting very bored of doing nothing but job searchy type stuff.)

Looking in the environmental/ecology field, and in emergency planning and disaster management.

If anyone comes across something suitable, could you let me know?

Thanks,

Andy

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Fh8sXjtpPwo&feature=related


Internet access, time to spare and an active imagination is a bad combination...

TEHRAN - Iranian security forces' feathers may be ruffled
as they investigate possible espionage involving pigeons
flying around the country's Natanz nuclear reactor. Media
reports indicate security forces seized two "spy pigeons"
near the uranium enrichment facility in Natanz and a second
location, Ynetnews.com reported. One pigeon wearing metal
rings and with invisible strings attached was caught near
a rose water production plant in  Kashan, reports said.
Iranian sources say it's within the realm of possibility
"that pigeons were used to spy on the nuclear facility in
Natanz," Ynetnews.com said. The birds -- possibly stool
pigeons -- were handed over to defense officials. Last
year, Iran's media reported 14 squirrels were arrested
for espionage. "The squirrels were equipped with the spy
gear of foreign agencies and were stopped before they
could act, thanks to the alertness of our intelligence
services," the country's official news agency reported
at the time.

The following excerpts are actual answers given on history   
tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th   
and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected by two   
teachers over a period of three years. Read carefully for   
grammar, misplaced modifiers, and, of course, spelling.   


Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.   
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.   
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.   

Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies   
who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert.   
The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have   
to live elsewhere.   

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made   
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.   
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He   
died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.   

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.   
He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the   
bible. It sounds Like he was sort of busy too.   

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them   
we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth   
is a young female moth.   

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving   
people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose   
of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his   
career suffered a dramatic decline.   

In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled   
biscuits, and threw the java.   

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of   
Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he   
was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you,   
Brutus."   

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a   
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all   
shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a   
long while.   

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg   
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important   
invention was the circulation of blood.   

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper   
which was very dangerous to all his men.   

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shake-   
speare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his   
birthday. He never made much money and is famous only   
because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and   
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.   


Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented   
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin   
were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin   
discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also   
declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He   
was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still   
dead.   

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's   
Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which   
he built with his own hands... Abraham Lincoln freed the   
slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.   

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater   
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving   
picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes   
Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's   
career.   

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had   
a large number of children. In between he practiced on an   
old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from   
1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in   
the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half   
Italian, and half English. He was very large.   

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts   
and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and   
started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam-   
boat caused a network of rivers to spring up.   

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the   
Species. It was very long. People got upset about it and had   
trials to see if it was really true.   

Madman Curie discovered radio.  She was the first woman to do   
what she did. Other women have become scientists since her   
but they didn't get to find radios because they were already   
taken.   

catsthatlooklikehitler.com

Not joking, it's a real website. I just don't know how to make it link....

Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

Common Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as rationality became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Bovine Definitions of Forms of Government

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your feudal superior takes some of the milk.

Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The Government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

Bureaucratic socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you need.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

American democracy: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the President is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair Cowgate.

British democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and buy a bull.

Hong Kong capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to a publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debit/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cow's milk back to the listed company, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

Feminism: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

I try to find out an interesting little titbit of information each day, just to keep the ole noodle oiled, and to store things away. You never know when some useless trivia will win you that pub quiz...

Todays nugget is this:

Cash (Johnny Cash, of I Walk The Line fame) enlisted in the United States Air Force. After basic training at Lackland Air Force Base and technical training at Brooks Air Force Base, both in San Antonio, Texas, Cash was assigned to a U.S. Air Force Security Service unit at Landsberg, Germany. Assigned as a morse code decoder on Russian Army transmissions, Cash was the first American to discover that Josef Stalin had died.

Just how much grog did this require?

Hi folks, a quick question for the more technically minded.

How do I post pictures?

I realise that this is a ridiculous question, and it may well be that I am missing something tragically simple, such as a "press this, and it will be done" button, but not good with technology. Blood system, food webs and population dynamics, no problem. Putting a picture into a post, beyond me.

Any and all assistance gratefully accepted..

Andy

But was gripped by the muse earlier on (it stings, and I am not comfortable sitting down yet...)

Idly surfing the intarweb one day
I discovered a place where I wanted to stay
With Opas and Aggie, Chatty, Griffin et al
Arms open in friendship, a hearty "welcome y'all"
All that is asked is that you behave humble,
And they'll usher you in with a big Toadfish "rumble".
A Novice you start, in the Tide Pool you play
For full Toadfish status, it's the Siblings who say.
There's pirates in New Portsmouth, squidlings in the moat
To keep out the trolls, the door is guarded by Goat.
There's a garden, a Lido, Swato in his lab.
Take it in slowly, this place is just fab.
Krabbies abound, Kiyo's down in the pub,
Bart's making stew, best keep clear of the tub.
Others there are, Anthrobabe, Kanaloa and Cuzzen,
Alpaca, Qwerty, Mero and Bluenose, the place sure is buzzin'
A haven of rest, sanctuary, I'm sure you agree
Full of warmth and wonder, DaveL and now me.

As the title says, my brother has a new job. He is going to be working for a company called OneWater. Guess what they sell?

Welsh water from the Brecons. But, and here's the pitch, after the overheads, the cash goes to put in things called Playpumps in Africa. Usual borehole idea, put in a school, with a 2500 litre tank attached. Pump is not normal, hand-operated  standpipe, however. No, pump is attached to a roundabout, suitably placed in the playground. Kiddies play, water is pumped into tank. Anyone wants water, tap on base of tank.

I thought it was pretty cool...

 Chuck Norris responded to the Chuck Norris Facts on his official website, chucknorris.com, with a statement. He was generally surprised and flattered by the attention. Admitting some of the statements were indeed humorous, he tries not to take any of them seriously, and he hopes that such statements will interest people in real facts about Chuck Norris contained in his literary works. 

On October 23, 2006, Chuck Norris' first column for WorldNetDaily consisted of yet another response. It began similarly to the above quote from chucknorris.com, but then disclaimed Norris' own prowess in favor of God and Jesus Christ.

One of the satirical "facts" made of Norris states that "There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live." Upon hearing this, Chuck replied:

    It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures. By the way, without Him, I don't have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things — and so can you."

Childhood destroyed!! Chuck is a fundie! If I hear Mr T has gone into televangelism, I may just have to end it all.....

Been listening to the audio book of Thud, by Terry Pratchett. it contains the story Sam Vimes reads to his son every night, the Where's my cow? of the title.

Verses are as follows:

Where's my cow?
Is that my cow?
It goes "baa"
It is a sheep
It is not my cow.

etc.

Let's do our own.

Where's my cow?
Is that my cow?
It goes "AAAARGGGH!"
It is a pirate.
It is not my cow.